[Losingitslowly]

Libu, while it’s great to self exclude from the sites that you usually play if you find yourself struggling to stay off of your phone then why not install the software that makes sure you cant gamble on your phone? I am one who was self excluded from many many many sites and there are still more than I could join. If you cant then you simply cant. It is uncomfortable to think about not being able to but take the steps to install it qhe you have them strength to want to quit for good. It took me a while to commit to it because the thought of not being able to was unpleasant, but after losing a whack of cash one day I did it and it has saved my butt these days. We all want to have the strength and will power to say no, but in the beginning you will need a bit more than that. Gamban is great for me and should work for you on your devices. Invest the small amount in the beginning because you will save it 10 fold the first week you dont gamble. I hope it works out for you.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks kin. I hope that you are well today and feeling more hopeful. I am starting to reroute the energy I used to place on trying to find ways to gamble and using it on better things. I am starting my seedlings today before I go to work at my second job so it gives me hope. I was looking at the property today, placing plants here and there in my mind, thinking of all that I could actually accomplish if I put my time into planting and being outdoors instead of sitting on my butt indoors playing slots. I love my garden and growing things and it makes me feel alive. I am hoping for that to flourish this year instead of doing a half ass job like I did every other year and feeling the joy of growing both plants and myself. Its day 15 and it is getting easier. All I can say is that blocks that work and stop me from gambling are the what I should have done long ago, and thanks to the makers of gamban for your latest update. I hope that you are all strong and gamble free today

[Losingitslowly]

Daniel drake, you are no worse than the best of us at the wrong time. You are able to gamble and so you do. The only reason I have not gambled in 15 days is that I CAN’T. I have so limited my access that I actually have no way of doing it. It is the only way when you are at your weakest and so you have to put some blocks in place. I am not sure what you can do, only you do. You have to do whatever it is, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, to make sure you cant. I know that I put blocks in place but there and always something I could do to get around the blocks on my electronics and so I never had more than a few days clean. It made me feel hopeless if I knew that I couldn’t gamble at all so I never fixed the issue and I always failed. You have to overcome that feeling of despair that sits in your stomach and do whatever it takes to make sure you cant place a wager or put money online. If you are serious you will do it. Take the hard steps now and dont think that you are weak because you cant just stop on your own. We are addicts and addicts need help in the beginning. We need to be separated from the source of our addiction and that is what you need to work on. Strength and time will help you later.

[Losingitslowly]

Its day 14 and I must say that it is a first. Two weeks without gambling has been hard and easier than I thought. It’s been hard because I have so wanted the buzz I get from the slots and the unknown and easier because if I had only found a way to put better blocks in place months or years ago I would have totally prevented all this mess. The loop hole that I had been using has been blocked by a software update so I cant gamble on my phone. I will admit that over the last two weeks I have tried to find a way through it to, but alas, I have failed. So I sit at two weeks gamble free and catching up a bit on my bills. I’m still in a pickle but if I can just learn to look at the long run with a bit more hope, the short run wont be quite as scary. I have started a diet as well and am trying to lose some weight, so that is something else for me to focus on. I am feeling a bit elated at the two week mark as I dont think that I have reached this point EVER, so here’s to a bench mark day for me. I hope that you are all strong and gamble free today as well.

[Losingitslowly]

Craigmac6, you are in good company. Many of us have been on before. Many of us have had other addictions that we have been able to kick and by the grace of God, never pick back up again. I was a smoker of 20 years by the time I became pregnant and gave it up because I couldn’t stand the smell anymore. I’ve never gone back and although I have thought about it from time to time, I’ve never had the urge to try. I am on here for my second time. I am also working 2 jobs to try to make up the mess I’ve made. I enjoy my time gamble free as well and i will admit that the only reason i havent started again is the blocks I have in place on my devices wont let me. That is what matters though, isnt it? That I haven’t gambled in 14 days. It’s no different than an addiction to drugs or alcohol is it? In the beginning of treatment from any addiction the key is to keep the addict away from the source of the addiction, one way or another. I will be able to resist more as the pathways in my brain are rerouted, as the urges begin to dissipate. The same goes for you and if you know about your 30 day mark being the big hurdle, put blocks in place so that your brain doesnt trip you up. I welcome hearing your day to day triumphs and that you are making your way to a better place. The only alternative is that you will be working 2 or 3 jobs for the rest of your life so that you dont lose all that you have. Doesnt sound good, does it? Keep up the fight and we are all here.

[Losingitslowly]

Falling38, those feelings are addiction and nothing more. I was at the party with my nephew who is a recovering heroin addict. He is not yet 30 and has been on methadone for 5 years. We were talking about him getting a job at a clinic helping other addicts and my sister posed to him that he may be around others who still use. Would it be a problem? He stated that if he is around others who still use or talk about it he is fine, but put it in front of him (heroin) and his palms will start to get sweaty. I couldn’t help but identify with that part of what he said as we are no different. The only way to stay “sober” is to avoid it altogether. It’s harder for gamblers and food addicts because it is everywhere now and at our fingertips. I am on day 12 and the only way I got that far is my technology is totally blocked now. No way to get on no matter how hard I try. I could go to casinos but like I said, it would require an entire day and I dont allow myself that amount of time due to other work obligations. All you can do is make it as hard as you can for yourself to slip up. All addictions are disabled by abstinence so we are no different. Stay away. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. I had a dream last night that I was at a huge casino. I tried to play one game but couldn’t understand the games rules so I left. Then I got caught on an elevator and got stuck in the restaurant area, then the video game and kids play area. Everything was preventing me from gambling so I just left. What does that mean to me,? That blocks are in place and they are working so I might as well just leave well enough alone. I wont go to a casino. I too am banned from the ones in my area so I wont risk getting caught. I’m hoping that all of the urges dissipate eventually and that it will get easier not to gamble than to even think about it. It’s a lot to think about so do your mind some good and find something that relaxes you and do that as often as you can. I’m enjoying preparing for gardening season soon. It’s almost spring now, the start of a new season of growth and promise. Put you in the mix and start fresh and new and grow stronger. Hope everyone is strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks njp for the encouragement. I took a much needed day off yesterday to spend time with my sisters and parents as we executed a surprise birthday party for my mom. It was like a military exercise. My mom is always in charge of everything that goes on with the family and didn’t want a party this year so we went against her wishes and did what we wanted and she loved it!. I have not spent a lot if time with my sisters over the last few years due to my gambling, and it’s nice to spend time with them until the inevitable happens and someone starts talking about how well they are doing. My brother in law was showing pictures of the new renovations he is making to their bathroom and the green eyed monster reared its ugly head. I am barely keeping my head above water due to my gambling and although things are getting better, I still feel like crap. I hate that I cant feel happy for my sisters when something good happens to them. I feel jealousy. I wasnt like that to this degree before, but my addiction has made my self image and self confidence plummet to almost zero. I have gained weight steadily over the past few years and feel ashamed of this as well. I need to start working on making me feel better about me so that I can feel happiness for others as well. It’s TRUE that you cannot love others until you love yourself. I woke this morning with all of these thoughts present and swirling and it is making me dizzy. I have work today in the afternoon and am going to put that in the place in my mind where it belongs. It is 6 hours of this day, no more and no less. I will not think about it after that. It is not important enough to occupy more than that. I am going to try a more rounded approach to my day and my life each day by making me a part of the planning. I am trying to lay plan to paper so here’s hoping I can do it. I hope that you are strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I sometimes have bad days at work. Its probably the same for everyone, but with two jobs, I get twice the chance. I have a weird relationship with working. I was raised in a family environment where your work ethic was everything to the family reputation. When I started my first job at a store where my grandmother frequented, the only thing she said to me is “dont embarrass me”. I have always been a hard working and conscientious employee. I have received many promotions and new positions because of my work ethic. When I got married, I did it mid week at a chapel so that I didnt miss too much work. For 15 years I worked 6 days a week and did all my paperwork at home or on my lunches. I was an employers dream employee and I loved every minute of the recognition. Then I lost it all. Not the job, the love and recognition. To make a long story short, I worked for someone who abused me, for lack of a better expression. He took all that I gave my job and used it as a weapon against me. He tried to get me fired as a way to save his own ass and it was then that I lost all confidence in myself. It was then that the gambling started. I have never been able to get back what I lost, what he took from me. I cannot separate myself from my work. When i work with an idiot i feel it on a level that is bizarre to most, like it is somehow my fault he’s an idiot. I NEED to be appreciated and well thought of. It’s like a drug to me. My second job is just a menial job working two afternoons a week. I am there for 12 hours a week. I work with people much younger than me sometimes and they are easily ruffled and sometimes very bossy. I worked with one last night who muttered under her breath “why are you talking”. I wanted to smack the little sow. I was trying to help her with an error that she had made and couldn’t resolve. I guess I wont do that again, right? Wrong. I am just the type of employee that will always step in and try to help, even if it is never appreciated, because that is what team members do. I am at a point in my life where I should be retiring soon. I have another 8 years or so to wind down. I am at a loss at the idea because work is all I know. I have been at the same company for 38 years. While I know that it has been the source of much of my joy and confidence over the years, it has also been the source of the anguish that started me on the road to being an addict. I need to examine my relationship with this entity and perhaps change the dynamics. It’s a dysfunctional relationship that I cannot get out of quite yet, so I must learn to adapt it to be more healthy for me in the short run. It is something to think about for sure.

[Losingitslowly]

Because I have been trying to quit for so long I realized aged ago that u had an issue. I have banned myself from all of the casinos and gaming houses in my province and cant even stay at a hotel that has a casino attached. I have not gone to a land based casino since any before covid started. They are not really my weakness ( so to speak) since if I wanted to go to one I would require an entire day to do so. My weakness is usually the one you can go to any time you are home, and even some times when you arent. The online are way to easy to access and require nothing more than an electronic device. I had many of those in my home so quitting has not been easy. I am trying to move past the feeling of never being able to gamble as a bad thing since I felt the same way when I was quitting smoking the first time. It was the best thing I’ve ever not done anymore. I have to be more positive and forget what I am “missing” and think more about what I am gaining. It is getting easier with time. I came home last night to an empty house, thought about trying to find gambling sites not covered under gamban and just thought it not worth the trouble. It’s a start. I hope everyone is strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

Working late the last few days has given me some much needed relax time but u find myself stuck on what I can do to fill the void in my life. I have tried cooking and baking and have gained 10 pounds in the process. I am hesitant to try too much in the way of fitness because i already ” enjoy” sore feet and knees. I am working so much these days that I dont want to tire myself out too much by overdoing it, so I am looking for other things to do. The weather is getting somewhat nicer so I can start to think about my garden. I should start my seedlings soon!!! That’s a good thought to have. I am on day 7. Does it count as a day 7 if you were trying to find ways to gamble but you couldn’t? My blockers are working great and I cant do a thing. I could go to the casino but with all of the time I spend going to or being at work, I dont have the time. I guess I can say that I am on day 7 today and feeling good about it. I just wish that the urge to try to find a way to gamble would leave. I am having trouble digesting the idea that I will not be able to do it ever…. I guess that is what recovery is about. I need to purge the urge. Today is about paying bills and getting myself back to where I can feel secure. I hope that you are strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I would not dare ask my sister to be the one to take charge of me. She lost her husband two years back and is alone. She has a stressful job and has been forced to work from home so is isolated. I could not bare to have her feel that she has more responsibility than she already has. I have borrowed money from her that I must pay back although she will never ask for it. I must carry the burden myself because I have gotten myself into this. Thanks for the suggestions though. I got through last night alone in my house my doing extra chores and preparing meals for the next couple of days. I like to be busy and organized so it’s a benefit/benefit for me. I am in my day 5 now and feeling good. I did a little housework this morning before I get ready to go so I feel the day has started well. I hope that you are strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I will short post today. I am on day 4 and feeling good about achieving better this week. I have been making plans with my sisters to throw a surprise birthday party for my mom this weekend so I am happy that I have clarity and time to take part in something constructive for once. It’s been a long time since I have done anything other than work and gamble, so today feels good. Hope that everyone is strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks g rec. I dont really have unaccountable funds at all, I just use the ones meant for paying necessities to gamble. I am in a position where no one else could be responsible for my funds. I am single and no one except one sister knows about my issues. I am better now that I have self excluded from the one casino online that I could actually get through to with my blocks in place, and the trick is to now stop myself before I search for another. I am easier to stop if I know that I do not have easy access, so the trick will be to just keep my mind on the art of avoidance. If I know that I cannot, I dont have issues not gambling. I only have issues when I know I can and that leads me down the rabbit hole. Today I resolve myself to think ” I cannot so I will not “. I have the house to myself tonight so I might just go do a bit of shopping after work to avoid being here for too long alone. I am pretty tired so I will hit the hay early for some much needed rest. Hope everyone is strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks Grec and jvr. I have lots,of blocks in place but am very resourceful in life and can find ways around anything. I am trying to limit my opportunity as well, hence the second job, but as we all know, we can find ways around that too. I am serious about quitting, in my mind, but there seems to be a part of me that still has a grasp on my will power at certain times and this is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am short on impulse control, plain and simple. I need to work on that in my life as a whole and gambling in particular. I am trying a more rigid schedule to try and reduce my opportunity to act impulsively and am paying bills from my accounts first thing when I get paid to not allow access to cash. I did self exclude ftom the one casino I could play at so that is gone as well. I am a work in progress on many fronts and today is another day to begin some minor repairs. I hope everyone is strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I said it was a trigger, I knew it was a trigger and I let it trigger me last night. I have been reading other posts and have decided that I am angry now. I am no longer sad, upset or disappointed with the situation. I am angry. I didnt even make dinner for my daughter when she came home late last night from work because I was too “busy and tired” to get up off my ass. I am losing what I call life. I am not able to do things because I am burdened with this hunk of crap that pollutes my brain and fogs up my mind. I am going to think of gambling as a hunk of crap in my head that is growing every time I gamble. It will shrink if I abstain and so every time I even think about it, it gets stronger. I know I was triggered by the smallest thing yesterday, it was a treasure chest in an online zen matching game that reminded me of one on one of my favorite slots. I recognized it right away because it made me want to play. I thought about it and it made it stronger. I dont give the triggers the importance that I should and I need to be extra diligent when I realize that something had triggered in my brain. When the hunk of crap in my brain is shrinking it is fighting back and trying to get me to.play.I need to fight back as well. I am finished with being disappointed. Now I am fighting back!!!

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