[lorraine]

So sorry for not responding to your posts ,not handling this depression very well at all,yah the sun is shinning but that is just making it all worse,holidays are here another years of memories i know i will miss,
We used to go to grandmas every long weekened,and stuck in my head so many years back i remember the excitiment in the kids all packed in the front yard ,just waiting for dad to come home for work so we could all pile in the car and go.
But hes not comming home anymore ,i know not to wait,so do they but know they know not to wait for me too.so many years have gone now,and we share different memories ,
I will sit here all alone all weekened ,visit hubby and talk about anything but what the world is doing without us.
Mentally and physcially burnt out.
Im not so sure i will be good to be around for awhile so please forgive me ,thank you for the support you offered ,but i need to hibernate again.Its just better that way for me.
Hope you all have a wonderful summer as it should be ,may the sun shine on your memories this summer dont wait for the next one k hugs bye

[lorraine]

Thank you for your post
I dont mean the old me the gambler,i mean just me as a person that i still exist me lorraine.taking time for me and just me,not doing for others.
But unfortunatly i found the worst place in the world to go to be with just me.
I do not like the gambler in me,who would my god ,me as a gambler is not good at all through and through rotten to the core.
Tonight i ran into a GA member and yes it is my meeting night,he was just passing the time till the meeting started in about an hour,i approached him and said hi ,having quiet time are yah and smiled,He ask me how i was doing ,i told him wow last week i sure needed some help,but ive since rebanned.He then looked away and picked up his cell phone as much to say this conversation is over ,ouch i walked away wishing i never spoke to him ,cause his rejection really hurt me.You know it would of made my year if he just would of said Hey Lorraine ,good to see you can you join me for a coffee,and hey see you tonight.but nope ,as i left i had to pass him again I waved bye but he couldnt even muster up a good -bye wave.
Now i know i shouldnt let that get to me,but it did ,it effin hurt ,and just the little more bitter inside ,hate that word unity.
Yah i never went to the meeting tonight told myself what the Hell for.I have tried other meetings found a great one ,but to far for me to go ,and well my car is on its last legs ,work and home is always enough of a wing and a prayer for me.
You say your in your infancy of recovery and have more support from others then family members,funny how that works i found that out a bit too.
Although my kids have stuck it out with me through hell and back .
Any way im tired ,i have to go to work in am so im off but please i really do appreciate all the posts right now i do .
take care night

[lorraine]

Well its true i can push people away,i have learned over the years ,guilty,i also have asked directly for help and been refused so many times ,i really had to stop.
GA well we are a small group,and yes i have said i need more help asked for a sponser,asked for the call list a few times.They dont do sponsers i was told,and the phone list is always in the making.
Went weekly for years .
And that last question i was asked What can i changed ,well kinda stumped me,i cant change my life ,only can change how i view it,cant go back and change the consequences of my gambling,wich will take me till iam 65.What i can change is stop gambling forever.work harder to make more money,cause stopping gambling still doesnt allow for me savings,i can stop feeling sorry for myself and just except my fate,and hope that it all one day i wake up happy.
Ah the serenity prayer,God grant me the strength and courage to get through this day and the ability to keep my big mouth shut,thats my version.say it every morning to myself going up the elevator to work,and just before i walk into the care home.
No one wants to hang out with me ,well cause for one thing when hubby got sick all my friends dissappeared one by one and thats okay i understand,my world isnt exactley ,shopping trips and ,dinners out ,or spa days,gym or yoga or even just going for a simple walk,im not interested in anything lost all joy for living a long time ago,and that is just reality for me.
Doing time.
Im sorry for axcusing people of not caring ,i didnt answer posts either,
Gambling shattered my world,Hubbys sickness shattered my world.
When i go to the casino i can still find the old me for a few hours,and i miss me.
But i know that is the dream world cause the old me is dead,i cant come back.
But for those few hours i can still find bits of the old me.But everytime i go back there is just that little bit less of the old me there.
What i guess im trying to say is its not the gambling im missing its more me.
Did you know that so little had change in 6 months the fellow told me he didnt need to update my photo,said i hadnt changed at all,and guess what same shoes,same sweater i was wearing ,same purse ,same car,same jeans,same messed up hair,same EVERYTHING.
Like time stood still ,and it did ive been stuck for years.
No one can be expected to help me ,until i can help myself first.
But i have a sneaky feeling that this is it,for me damaged ran to deep.and the worst is yet to come.
Still hurting tonight ,but i do appreciate all your time you took to write your posts thank you.
I really helps me to rethink a few things.
May be one day i will P we will meet in chat again ,that would be nice ,so glad you are doing well ,been a long long journey for you hugs.
Please be patient with me God isnt finished with me yet ,or is he lol .yikes night take care.

[lorraine]

Thank you for you kind words , and support ,i like your new nick sad .
Thank you too monique for your support and kind words.
It is not really about online support that i need so much i need a recovery friend face to face .Cause days like yesterday really are hard to get through alone.
But tonight im a little better been giving myself a blast of you better get grateful for a little more in life pill,so tonight im grateful for the banning process available to me,cause without it i would not be home right now ,safe and warm drinking my coffee.
Night still a little stressed.take care bye

[lorraine]

Thats how long the record shows ,since any contact here from anyone.
Not one person has bothered to send me a post to see how iam even doing.
Not even hey thought of you today.
Went to a GA meeting last week ,had to laugh really ,i was ask my name i was forgotten about,the one lady who took my number months before who said Oh you can count on me i will call you,well she was one of the ones who forgot my name.When i was asked what my name was it hurt it did i wont lie,I wanted to say does it matter no one will remember it anyway.
The she said later oh i have the new phone list ,i got excited a bit oh finally after like 3 years, i was going to get one ,but then she remembered she had to still make copies ugh.
And yah she never offered to call me or reask for my number for the new phone list so i take it im not it.
Was a good meeting despite my hurt ,you see my banning was ending on sunday and i needed to hear something to remind me of what and who iam ,and who i will turn into when i gamble.
Left the meeting ,with no outside support ,i just so badly needed to even at least have 10 min of someones time face to face to talk to.But it just doesnt happen for me.
So you guessed it the only person that will talk to me is my own head .Not a very good conversation in there i can tell yah.
I have been to the casino on Sunday,spent almost 18 hours out of the 24 hours ,i lasted 24 hours ,spent the last 2 hours or so,watching and listening to all the people around me.
I rebanned again ,left just knowing i just cant do this mentally again tomorrow,i had fun i did for about the first 12 hours or so,but i knew when it was time to go,i couldnt leave,not in me,not possible,an i needed help to go home so i needed help to get me out of there ,and banning was my only option again.
Came home so high wasnt funny,comming down was horrible,and when i awoke in the am ,it took me about 4 seconds to just know i didnt want to carry on ,the depression hit me hard .
Today i had to work and i did yesterday too but i called in sick to gamble ,rushed home told work a lie and raced back to the casino,thats pretty much when i knew i was no longer in control again.
Tonight im still feeling the depression im so sad im afraid i will never find happiness again.
Gambling has destroyed everything around me and in me.
Im so alone i cant talk to anyone ,but i can tell you the search for me might have to come from within.
But within is broken and lost.
I actullay believed she was going to call me waited for weeks ,sucker me huh.
Just one person to believe in me .
Feeling like i just dont belong anywhere ,recovery has not been a healthy envoirment for me emotionally,just cant seem to get past the hi how are you stages with anyone.
Unlikeable for life.
Night time for bed now,i dread the am .
Glad im not allowed in the casino ,it was the right descision.
I know that .
Sorry to vent like this but ,im really all plugged up with a million thoughts right now.
night thanks for listening.

[lorraine]

Ah your name caught my attention Westerncanuck ,im assuming your from canada ,me too ,love canucks well kinda,not into sports.
Wtg on your sobriety ,sounds like you are getting good face to face support.
Welcome

[lorraine]

Some people can change ,and some cant,im one of the ones that cant.
Not really upset ,a little dissappointed perhaps.
You see if nothing changes nothing changes so what the heck was i thinking in the first place to think i could ever lick this .
But i do thank you Maverick for supporting me,you always have take care and hope you have a wonderful Christmas if we dont chat before.bye

[lorraine]

Ah thanks maverick always good to hear from you.
Today was good daughter got an early appt to see a neorololgist on the 22nd instead of 15 months ,nice break.hopefully between him and her cardiologist we will have an answer soon.
And then today sister was just leaving early ? she had a 4 pm apt in vancouver,she said oh im going early ,im thinking what it is only noon,then she said going to bank to see if i got my overdraft,my heart sank,i knew then and there where she was going.I sure hope it was a wee little overdraft.
So now im home from work it is like 1130 pm? sisters still up,i said anything wrong? She says no ,but then i knew where she went again after her apt,Cause i had called h ome from work and asked son if she was home at about 830 ,he said no,hmm i thought oh maybe not comming home then okay.
But to see her awake when i got home ,I just know she blew all her overdraft gambling ,im so angry ,im so not looking forwards to her saying to her son no i cant i have to pay my overdraft.
She has no idea how bad she just made things for herself.
Viscous cycle she will be trapped in.
She will act like it is none of my business and that irratates me cause if we just joined together to beat the addiction i think we could.
Tommorrow is my payday so will be a very hard day for me,urges and foul foul moods,emotions all over the place,yah call it a temper tantrum maybe even ,but they are real ,and i go through them every payday.
Oh well she better duck tomorrow is all i can say lol.
Night all ,i know i can do this .have to.Dont want this years christmas mixed up in anyway with my gambling .Had to many of them already.

[lorraine]

i hurried home for the topic group ,and missed it by 3min locked out ,why do you guys do that .

[lorraine]

Hi thanks for asking,i read your post and nah you didnt vent to much,the more honest a post ,the more healing for you and the more helpful to others.
Stay strong P.
My daughters MRI showed nothing,but the neurologists report came back query a disease i have never heard of ,Ataxia?
I went online and looked it up and yes it does sound like it.
If indeed that is what it is the prognosis is not good,chances are it is progressive and permanent,but in some cases it can be only a temporary thing,
No further calls or appts were made regarding this,so tommorrow at 1130 i told my daughter be ready we are going to she her doc .
And yah her doc is a flamming useless doc who runs more for her methadone patients,and actually 90 % of the other docs in town dont care for her either.Kinda scarey .
My stress level is about a 1000 right now,had my last 6 teeth pulled and great except one he tore my gums so bad still in pain 9 days later,and at work i have all new bosses,and iam so afraid that this new boss will not be so easy going on my days off i call in sick for.but i need them i do.
And the owners of this building are approaching the tenants and making them offers to move so they renovate and raise the rent,yikes i dont want to move.
And i finally after over a year i got to see the pain specialist and after about 20 min ,he made me two offers take anti depressants for the pain and get a needle in my back every three months to help eleviate the pain.I said no thank you ,fix it just fix it,he then said sorry we cant help you.Left there feeling really low.
To be truthful i feel like im running down a long hallway full of doors and im racing to open each door with such anticapation of getting that feeling of omg finally i can rest thank you.
All i know is that i kinda feel numb these days ,taking ativan more and more .i just cant seem to figure any of this out.
I havent been gambling for 24 days and urges are mild but always present.
I have been going to bed at 7 or 8 at night so tired ,need to shut my head off lol.
I honestly think i just dont care any more most days,attitude is hurry up day so i can sleep .
Any way i worked afternoons today so it is just past midnight ,look out world tomorrow im up in 5 hours ,will feel like the living dead im sure lol.
Take care p we will make it hugs.

[lorraine]

She is not okay P .they just dont know what it is yet.
But your right im not in a casino.
Hugs P take care .

[lorraine]

Hope things are good for and your family,and i hope you had a very fun halloween with the kids.
Me i put up the No Candy sighn lol.
Im finally going to stand a chance at being gamble free again.nerves are shot ,son saved my butt Again.
Im not so sure why the fear of being homeless never stops me from gambling .I dont get it.
My daughter that moved up north moved back on thursday so relieved to have her home.the mommy in me needs my kids close and when i saw her thursday i knew why.
She left here perfect a month and a half ago,to come home with left sided movements,unsteady balance and uncontrollable movements all left sided .I said how long has this been going on she said about 3wks !!!!! Omg
So needless to say i took her to her doc and one look she said go to the hospital NOW .Dont go home first go now .we feared a stroke.
Well after a few tests and specialits it was not a stoke and she doesnt have any blood clots.phew.
But she will go for one more test of her brain.
I see my husbands disease when i watch her ,but something is slightly different about it, but not.
She was tested to not have it ,but my worst fears is that she does.
The doctor called it dystonic movements.
My holidays are over im back to work tomorrow ,my nerves are shot !!!!!.
I feel like my body fell backwards into a time warp of pain ,that i have been to before.
As my daughter sat along side me her movements never even phased me,she was my hubby.
But when i saw her i grew another pillar of strength ,not sure where it came from but i do it is taking from me to keep it up.
I never want to hear that expession Fake it till you make it ! again.
tired. hugs
Maverick im always glad to hear from you .keep safe .

[lorraine]

well no iam not knitting right now ,mind is in a ba d place right now and will be for a bit.
9 more days to get it right,banning is over.
It is consuming my every thought and mood.
Happens everytime.
Sat here again for a bit after i did do alot ,no gambling.
But what i would of given to of had a face to face person to talk to ,i was alone it was private ,but nope ,so i kinda figure
the only person who can throw me a lifeline is me.
Trouble is would i even catch it right now ,i dont know my addiction is raging ,telling me hope is comming hope is comming and i so depseratly need to know there is hope.
Sad that i think that way but i do.
Sure hope things are going okay for you sad take care hugs thanks for asking about me.

[lorraine]

Lasot dažus no tiem, es varēju sajust, kā mans satraukums pieaug, tāpēc pārlasiet un pārlasiet tos, un man šķiet, ka man patīk tas, kurā teikts: Tikai šodien es zinu, ka man būs programma, un es, iespējams, to precīzi neievēroju, bet būs. Tas man saka, ka saprot visas citas manas problēmas, un tikai šodien, ja tas ir viss, ko varat darīt, tad viss ir kārtībā. Hmm, palēniniet, palēniniet ātrumu un pievienojiet vēl vienu. Kā tad es šos nekad agrāk neesmu redzējis? Visgrūtākais man būtu tas, kas tikai šodien, es būšu patīkams .eeks man izklausās nogurdinoši. Lol, bet tā ir manā neglītā puse, mana aizsardzības siena pret manu netīro azartspēļu noslēpumu pasauli. Tāpēc varbūt otrais numurs var būt Tikai šodien es nebaidīšos.

[lorraine]

Hekk kif qrajt xi wħud minnhom stajt inħoss l-ansjetà tiegħi titla ', allura erġa aqrahom u erġa' qrajthom u sew jidher li nħobb dak li jgħid Biss għal-lum naf li se jkolli programm, u jista 'jkun li ma nsegwix eżatt imma jien se jkollha. Jgħidli li jifhem il-kwistjonijiet l-oħra kollha tiegħi, u għal-lum biss jekk dan hu dak kollu li tista 'tagħmel allura dak hu tajjeb. Whoops inaqqsu, inaqqsu, u żidu waħda oħra. Kif qatt ma rajt dawn qabel hmmm. L-iktar waħda diffiċli għalija tkun dik biss għal-lum li se nkun waħda pjaċevoli .eeks tinstema 'eżawrjenti għalija.lol imma dik hija l-parti kerha tiegħi, il-ħajt tiegħi ta' ħarsien għad-dinja maħmuġa tiegħi ta 'sigrieti tal-logħob. Allura forsi n-numru tnejn jista 'jkun Biss għal-lum ma nibżax.

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