[lorraine]

Well it feels like does to me,every minute feels like hours,im exhausted from the time i awake to the time i go to bed.
Back on stress leave,work has been a horrible horrible stressful place for me to be,they want me gone,union guy told me.
Was given a few days to think about it,what i wanted to do,he said basically they want to pay me out.
But been almost 2 weeks and no communication from anyone,needless to say im at my wits end.
So today i was ask from the compensation board to provide back 5 years in chronological order all DR.s and medical professionals includong counlsers with numbers and addresses,YIKES omg i just panicked ,omg im so afraid they will find out about my Gambling .
So now i dont want to continue with this ,between my work bullying me,all i ever wanted was an outsider to come in and help me.But i should of known any insurance company that is going to pay your wages is for sure going to try and find anything on you in order not to pay,
I cannot run the risk of anyone knowing about my gambling.
All i want is someone on my side for once,but instead i get only people with their own adgendas,
I think im going to be jobless very soon,days away.
Kids dont know my second biggest secret ever since gambling.
Scared to death to tell them,that their mom is so hated at her job that they even told her the sight of her eyes is enough or could be grounds for dismissal.
So more lies they never end do they,
The past is maybe not the past yet at all ,maybe im still falling from the first time.
Im tired of trying ,i really for the life of me cannot see a happy ending at all.
A New Year is even a scarier thought for me.
Im just yaking aloud here cause im holding it all in .
Had a earthquake here last night ,went out side after for a smoke,wasnt even scared ,went right back to bed and said ,Its okay God you can take me im ready,and fell back to sleep no problem at all.
Need that happy day soon.
Hope any one who reads this has a very wonderful New Year i do.take care all

[lorraine]

I just need to vent,in 20 days my banning ends.
I have an appt with counsler on Nov 2 nd to rebann said she could do it from here office,i smiled and said thanks i would like that,thinking and feeling a little more private.
Well she knows im going for one day to the casino ,i need to be me for at least one day every six months.
Well im feeling so much pressure ,she said okay i will set up an appt with casino ? omg is this now a friggen three way group conversation,i cant do this ,when i rebann im doing all i can to hold it all in,last thing i need is a three ring circus with electronics.
For days after i rebann i suffer in silence ,depression is high now not so sure im strong enough to pull it together in just a few days this time.
I know she will not be to interested to see me after that,and in everyone of my meetings with her she yawns ever so politley but tells me i was not being heard ,all she hears is me rambling.
I know she cant help me ,she told me that herself,but i continued to go as i was in a very very bad way.
She did help me felt so good to puke it all out.
I feel like my world once again is closing .
The doc not mine dont have one,wrote on my medical work form a whole lot of mental health issues and ticked all the boxes moderatly,choices from slighty yup right to severe,so moderatly ,but im only sighned off work for a month ,now she recognized i was stressed and felt medically trained enough to tick those boxes,but never once offered any form of help to me,like say whos helping you with this ,do you have any support ?
So now in the next two weeks lol is she going to be as medically lazy once again to miracoulsy ticked im healed.
I will go back to work i have no choice,my bag of life is full but so is everyones,
Work will use that info against me,forever ,now i feel even more stressed ,this faking to make it is so hard.
Yesterday i watched the fall leaves fall for a long long time,
started to compare a humans purpose in life to a leafs .
just venting

[lorraine]

Well they finally called me back and for now im okay for my job,but when i return in a month ,i will have to attend an investegation meeting.worry until then.but at least i can function a bit now .Worry is so hard.

[lorraine]

Well back on stress leave for a month
Job on the line ,will find out today.
Still waiting for that happy friggen day,so much negativity around me ,and there is nothing i can do to change that,just so tired i really am.
Oh well just another day i guess.

[lorraine]

Well if i had to pick a place to land i would still choose this place,i was right i knew i could feel it,the depression came with me,finished my last anxiety class on friday, weeks,and the lady said she would c lose my file,and if i ever wanted to take more classes i would have to reapply all over ugh.Everyone else got told a follow up with them in a few weeks ,but for me when it was my turn we all could hear what was being said i expect the same talk ,but no i was the only one whose file was closed? Oh well back to square one i guess.I went to a GA meeting last night,took alot of self talk to get me there but i did it,as i walk to the door a group of ladies were chatting,and one i had chummed shortly with in the past from GA i see her i got kinda ready for a hello ,but as our eyes met she averted her eyes and looked away,i was kinda shocked and for sure hurt,but i kept going in ,she had to sit near me one seat right next to me or one over she chose the one over.I knew then she did not want to associate with me.And so i never tried again,whats the point.
I never got to share meeting ran out of time,but that was okay,my stories no different then any one else there really,as i stood to leave i left without one goodbye,not any different from any other meeting there for me.
Now the difference is i told myself all day lower your expections of GA to zero, and then when thats all the unity you get or support ,then you will have no reason to let it get to you,still hurt still feel stupid for trying again still felt alone ,but today as much as i try im so depressed and feel very much like i have been left for dead.LOL maybe just maybe thats how iam meant to ride out my recovery alone and weary day after day,punishment,after all i made this hell now i have to live it.
New address maybe ,new phone number maybe,new me NEVER .

[lorraine]

Thank you for your posts all of you ,i just want to say weve moved ,still a ton of work to do,but for over a the last few weeks before the move ,i was so scared that this was just a trick,and that some how some way my past was lurking in the back ground to ruin it all,as it is not just my past but sons too.
Well we are in here now ,but i still feel like i need to look over my shoulders as i close the door.still going back to old place for odds and ends,check mail and what not,when i walk through those doors the SMELL omg i destroyed the place thanks to my depression ,im now banned to the great outdoors to smoke and i have been trying really hard to maintain a normal life but been only a few days im afraid of the crash i will have,Will the fun like a new toy ware off and i will not want to play any more and the depression ,creep back in ,i can feel it its there but last few days i have been so distracted and busy ,it only creeps up in little place like looking out a window briefly i will get a overwhelming feeling of sadness.
But this place is a positive new start and will need a few months perhaps to see hey we made it.
Well kids did anyway,i just came along for the ride 🙂
Sunny day today,tons to do .thanks for listening.

[lorraine]

Well the kids got there house ,one more hurdle left lawyers to sighn final papers and keys next friday.
Im having a hard time excepting this move,as it had drummed up some old memories that were never really gone,i lost our last house to gambling,and all the fears came back,not dealing well with that at all.
Had to seek help for it ,so seeing my old counsler again .
This is how a gamblers mind that has been broken works.
As went through the last three houses to look at them ,they all have garages ,well everyone goes upstairs i lag behind to look up at the ceiling in the garage for places a person could possibly hang themselves ,nuts i know ,but that is my fear that i will gamble and cause more pain and heartache in my
kids life .
I told counsler i cannot live with the fear of comming home again ,when i really was in deep gambling i was always so afraid to come home.
I thought i lost that feeling but today i realized i actually never lost it,i still rush home after work to catch the mail before they do,i drive in an always glance at my door for a note or letter taped to the front door.
Sometimes landlord leaves a letter for the complex sticking out so we dont miss it ,well i tell you if i see a white paper of any kind i imediatly go back years ,butterflies in my stomach and i brace myself ,oh dear god now what.
I told her i will be always now pulling up and staring at a closed garage door afraid to open it,
Damages are deep in our home,to lessen them as time passes has helped,but wow to the surface they come fast.
Flooding me with horrible horrible panic .
Im thinking this house must be gamble free .
So we can once again live pain free.
He wouldnt close the account,as he didnt want to be apart of the self exclusion program he is not a problem gambler.i understand i said.
I did ask him one more time to put money on it for me,he did,was a long weekened all leaving me for 3 days ,i guess i just needed a friend for the weekened,
Have not asked again ,and the fear in me is so raw right now,im terrified to touch this new houses key,afraid i will once again have to drive down and road and roll down my window with tears in my eyes and throw that key as far as i could out the window as i drive away leaving it behind,
Gambling has given me so many bad memories ,and changed me forever ,i try and i do see old parts of me comming back,but i still dont have the mental strength to be consistant with it.Just yet
So some days i can do a budget,i can be content with just being me,but other days i just cant seem to cope.
I struggle with still trying to hide my past and that has proven to be socially damaging for me.
Im already afraid to get to know the new neighbours ,dont want to have to tell lies,cause when i do that ,when im alone it makes me sad.
And sometimes angry.
Im a compulsive liar too,gambling taught me that,but now i lie to keep me and my family safe but for the right reasons.
One day i started gambling , maybe One day i wont have to lie any more.
Recovery i struggled with,it sucked for me,never ever saw the wow this is a great day.
To busy holding down the past.
Our new home i pray will be nothing but beautiful memories for us.
And by me asking for help again tells me ,im scared ,and i know my kids dont have the strength to carry me forever .
I have become a ball and chain to them and i feel really bad for that,but ive truly been blessed with the most forgiving children ,proud of them for that.
And for those who made it to here to read this Please reach out and seek help ,dont wait till you have to write a post like this .
Night be good k

[lorraine]

Well i got back my notice son convinced me to ask and the landlord said okay ,very nice of him.Still in same place we have looked a and put offers in 6 places ,but hasnt worked out,we are putting an offer in this week on another place ,a lot higher on the budget and nicer.
But will not give my notice here till keys are in kids hands.
Im officially off my anxiety pills ,things are really messed up for me mentally right now,that was the only thing in my life that told me everyhing is going to be okay.
Im on holidays right now needed them,im still gambling online ,at the exspense of my son and daughters future,nothing seems to register the consequences in my brain,someone posted somewhere that a similar situation was described as emotional abuse ,Poof omg it is .that really hit home.
Is it to late i dont know ,crossing fingers they dont flag son permantley as a risk for gambling ,iam sick in the head i must be to think the world is that forgiving a second time.
It is not a financial burden my gambling as it is controlled but it is that it shows the transaction comming out of sons account.
But as i write this he is at the gym ,when he comes home i will TELL him CLOSE it for good .
Cause if you dont that sight may very well take my life or even scarier yours .
That is the reality of this addiction.
Just how far is to far no one really knows where their final bottom looks like.
But on a death certificate the truth will be written Suicide ,and not one word will be mentioned the reason why .
I know my emotions are strong right now because im naked without meds,but this is maybe what i need to feel it .
Sorry for always comming here and being miserable and sad .
Sometimes life is hard ,sometimes life is fun,sometimes like is boring,sometimes life is painful sometimes life is just that LIFE .One day i hope to be okay with that .
No iam not suicidal so forget that idea ,i still got alot of fight left in me.But will try to redirect that energy to a more positive use.
Hugs to all who read this.
And if your struggling and cant see the bottom look up!

[lorraine]

Phew now i can relax ,your right p just hard to think clearly when your so stressed.:) thanks for listening to me

[lorraine]

Well the seller produced at the last hours a 95 page report on the complex reguarding the balconies ,yah soon after we took possession we would of been slapped with a 20 plus thousand dollar repair job.So we declined the place.
Daughters landlord took back her notice ,will try today to get mine back but i dont think so.So stuff in storage.life in storage .Not doing well at all.

[lorraine]

Well my kids got the house,but i can tell you my stress level was so high i was not able to function ,we gave notice to move without really knowing they got it,i was so afraid we were going to be living in a motel .
The min i found out they got it,i burst into tears ,i knew i was in trouble heading for a break down,big time,callled in sick to work earlier cause i just knew i was not well.
This house buying rehashed up alot of ugly old memories of our days when i was loosing our house to gambling,i was froze unable to function.
My emotions were numb,all my senses were on high alert,that is a very very exhausting way to live and be.
And this addiction was comming for me again,not to gamble but to take the debt my sanity still owes.
After i calmed down a bit ,i had to let out this stress so i start a cleaning and sorting frenzy ,for about 3 hours this helped alot,and as i sat to have my coffee ,my addiction just had join me ,my thoughts remembered ,Oh yah even my damage deposit i gave has a gambling memory,you see i lied to a friend to get it ,and she willing gave it to me,took me months to repay her ,but i did plus extra.And i told her the truth.
So on a positive note today,when i get my damage deposit back this time that will close another chapter of my past.
Came home from work on the 1st to find sister had came back and packed all her stuff,i cried i did,set me back a bit,as i know that was her way of saying im done i dont owe you anything.
My sister has always managed to come out smelling like roses through life no one seems to be able to see the real her,sad but my sister is an addict and even i didnt really know how bad till we lived together.
But this time it really hurt cause i feel like we were just the dirt she was able to grow in till she didnt need us anymore.
The phone rang it was for her,I said sorry she doesnt live here anymore! Boy that felt good ,hah small pay back ,and thats the Leo in me .
Any way im going to be soooooo busy we move in 19 days,
When the dust settles i hope that by leaving here i will be able to leave more of my past here ,as this is the place we had to move to.
Since the day i moved here i literally walked in the door and sat on the couch and that is where all my will and desires or insterest stopped,and that is from depression ,not one day has not gone by where i have had a different view or feeling .
Depression is just another reality of gambling,they say the financial end can pick up itself rather quickly well for some yah but for others maybe not.
But i can tell you the mental banckruptcy is a million times harder.
Im still scared i will not be able to fight this depression,but i do know i will have a different view past these walls of omg what did i do.
Hugs to all ,thanks for listening.

[lorraine]

Well on friday realtor said lender and the insurer have agreed to allow the mortgage to be approved,so we went ahead with the house inspection,it went well ,they sent report off friday night,so monday or tues we will hear their final descision,but looks very promising on friday.
And sister moved out ,she hasnt been here for over a month she has been staying with her ex for transportation reasons.
So she decided it was okat to short me on the rent,again,hmmm she said hears the hundred i owe you and half the rent ,huh im thinking you still owe me 225. from monnths ago but i never said a word,
When she was leaving she asked are you okay with that i said not really makes me short now ,and i will have to borrow and now i have a debt ,your gambling trips just became my gambling debt ,funny how that works hey.
She says dont get upset i have it i will bring it to you tomorrow but right now i have to get my pedicure done ,WTF that hurt,she smiles and walked away and yup you guessed it she never came,
So told son he said thats okay ,and you know what we are now so close to being addictions free in this house now.No more stress every months end with her and her son fighting over money.That always upset me.
No more 12 hour days of watching real life murder shows ,that was probably the worst part of her living here.My tv has been off all but maybe 2 hours since she left.
I will miss her cleaning omg was so nice to come home and it was all done.
She is heading for a huge financial fall real soon ,her and her ex gamble alot.but both are in a kinda i think i can still lie my way out of what is really happening.But they cant fool a gambler nor my kids. I know there going to get worse before better.I just hope neither ask to borrow money over the amount of 20 dollars i WILL not fund there casino trips.
If we get thouse we will be living 2 blocks away from each other lol but no key will be shared.
Will be hard some up comming days im sure as i used to confide to her as she knew all my secrets,all of them.
Changes iam never comfy with,but as look at the empty space beside me where she used to sit ,im okay with that.
Thanks for listening ,still crossing fingers for my kids ,night

[lorraine]

I told my son let me talk to the lenders i will sighn anything to say it was me,
Communication is a little short right now.
And well not so sure my daughter is going to handle it well either,if they get that mortgage,it will be a miracle.
I dont agree actually with telling the truth to any one about your gambling addiction unless it is close family or friends.
If the legal world gets wind or a bank your in for a world of pain beyond your wildest imagination.
And this will follow you forever there will be no forgiveness from these people.

[lorraine]

Well got an update email my son did today,they are requesting all the paper wor regarding the details of bankrupcty,Im numb inside my stomach went into immediate shards of glass ,the fella said ,this doesnt look good ,your bank account shows money being put onto a gambling site,AL MINE ,he does not gamble but unfortunatly it looks like he is the one with the gambling problem not me.
He sent all the info to the fella ,but he said this does not look good.numb iam just numb i feel like my soul is in hold .
called in sick to work for tomorrow,i just cant do this anymore .
I fear for my sons well being too over this .
I wanna run away for the sake of others i do.those who could run from me did years ago .

[lorraine]

I thank you again for all the support,im doing way better ,was on holidays ,from my work for 8 days ,was so busy crazy busy.
I have totally gotten over my exculated depression from banning
And the long weekened is past that was really hard on me.
On friday the kids put an offer in on a townhouse,joined effort and well it was excepted,just waiting for the final approval of financing from the bank sometime this week.
Im so afraid my son will be denied they say he qualifies ,but just.
You see i made him go bankcrupt ,and he is only 26 months into his discharge,he said to me i sure hope i dont get screwed again.
AGH ,my stomach sank ,im not so sure how i will handle it if he is denied the quilt will kill me.
But if they do get it guess im moving,as i can not afford to live on my own,nor do i have the credit to even get utilities in my own name.
This means i will have to discard all of my belongings but a few odds and ends and clothes.
Trying and crying over this one ,but like all changes im sure time will heal it.
Took hubby out for a 2 hour walk tonight in his wheel chair nice ,fed him outside and when we put him back to bed ,they changed him and i noticed his bum was beat red,grrrrrrrr,sore sore ,i check him everyday for breakdown,so this happened like yesterday ,applied some cream i had ,but now i work in am the guilt is on the surface.
All of this just wears me out,and no matter how i try to make things okay ,im always blamming it all on me ,cause of the gambling,if i hadnt gambled etc .
So every once in awhile i get really depressed and i really need to shut my life down ,and it helps me.
Time is so far my best healer for anything,and this to shall pass i always try to remember ,but somedays it said more like and this too shall pass,WHEN when im six feet under,lol
Tomorrow i will go to work i do not feel refreshed ,im feeling the stress in me rising tonight,the go go go will all be back .
This life i guess ,and i should be grateful i have job.
So as long as thing stay on an bit if an even keel ,i will keep my head above it all.fingers crossed.
Again thank you for listening to me.

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