[Logic55]

Yesterday I saw CG after all of the ups and downs of the past few days. There was no discussion about what had happened as I knew he wouldnt want to talk about it.

Sadly, I knew that he had been gambling hard the last few days, which is tough to see but isn’t my fault. There is still evidence of him wanting to make positive changes so I am holding on to that for now.

It is scary to think about how much affect me walking away has on his gambling. But what is really worrying is how much he suppresses. I asked him whether he had thought about us much over the few days away. He said that he hadnt thought about us at all.

The gambling illusion is back, bigger and bolder than ever with the multitude of excuses/lie about why he has no money. I have planned a weekend away with my friends this weekend. CG wasnt at all adverse to this, probably because he wont have to make up any more excuses for a little while. I wonder if he believes that I believe the lies?

On a positive note, I had my first session with a Councillor today. Just a half hour phone appointment. But she was amazing and i feel much better about everything. I will definitely be keeping that support up!

I think the world is a little less hazy today.

[Logic55]

So i’m back in the UK.

Messages between CG and I have returned but are very strained.

His child wanted to see me which i think soften CG up a little bit and is hard for me as it is not easy to be away from them both (I dont think that is a guilt tactic, i think realising that his child was missing me made CG think about things a little)

He is seeing everything as me creating the problems and trying to cause drama whilst he wants to lead a stress-free life.

I have been trying to point out that he needs to communicate better and that there will be stresses in his life whether i am in it or not. He is basically putting up every shield he knows to withdraw from me.

We will see how it goes. Velvet, i did speak to the helpline, it was nice to get some support so i will keep pushing with helping myself before I can help anyone else…

[Logic55]

Thank you for writing to me. I really need that right now.

I’m having a tough time with work and am carrying a lot of anxiety. More than any anxiety that I have felt before…

Rejection and disengagement from my CG isnt helping but I know that even if we were talking he couldnt help with my anxiety anyway. I just miss having him there.

Just feel quite worthless and unloved right now and am desperately trying to protect myself.

I will try and get onto the helpline but it wont be today so I will have to try and keep strong. I’m not as strong as i hoped or thought.

[Logic55]

So right now it is hard. I am out of the country on a business trip so cant really do more than text my CG.

After i walked out, I let CG know I was home safe and how much I had enjoyed the rest of our weekend. I also text to let him know I had landed safely. I heard nothing apart from him telling me to use the trip to move on and I was making him out to be a monster. I tried to reassure but that didnt go well.

The last I heard from CG was a text saying “yeah whatever…so long logic”. And i dont know what to do next. I sent a screenshot of a previous conversation of him saying how much he needs me to communicate with him and let him know when he is slipping up.

But I have now seen comments on the my journal page of a CG that resents being reminded of what they have previously said and now I’m worried that I have done something wrong.

For now its radio silence on both sides. I dont know what to do. During the day it is easier as I can distract myself with business. I’m scared about having to go back to the hotel room. every fibre in my being wants to contact him and sort this out…i know i cant. but it is so hard. Really struggling here.

[Logic55]

Yes, I think our CGs are very similar and you are not alone.
Please keep posting because hearing from you helps to remind me of that 🙂

You are definitely not crazy. I often get called a psycho because i dont just accept what my CG says and challenge him. That doesnt go down well very often. I’m trying to get better at finding a way to challenge the lies without provoking.

[Logic55]

Obviously, I do not know the details of you issues you were having previously and I cannot advise on what you can do, so I shall tell you what I have learned about my CG – perhaps you will see something similar in what I say, That is maybe the only comfort I can give…

Gamblers have by their nature low self-esteem and a willing to self-destruct. There doesnt seem to be any logic to this or consideration of the impact on others.

My CG will turn to others who he know will give him an easy ego boost, when I am not telling him what he wants to hear. It KILLS me. He will tell others that we are no longer together to get what he wants or tell people I wasnt what he wanted and that he needs something from them. Obviously, this means for me that there is no trust. However, I believe that he does truely love me and all of this terrible beheviour is a side effect of the addiction.

Noone around me understands why I would stay. There are so many”relationship dealbreakers” in what has happened. and I agree. But I am still there…

[Logic55]

This could be something I wrote..

I am exactly the same with my cg. Today I am abroad so not able to do anything more than text my cg. After last night i sent a normal text. I have had a combination of silent treatment, plain abuse and rejection.

I always fall into the trap of texting back (because, like you I’m a fixer, so don’t like to leave things unresolved.) i often wonder what would happen if i just stopped. If i stopped fixing. And didn’t reply like he expects me to.

I’m on the same rollercoaster. All i can say from my experience is that they cannot meet your emotional needs right now and what you are feeling and the emotions you have building up probably don’t really matter.. So you need to look after yourself emotionally first. Do something for you.

After that, everything seems a bit calmer.

[Logic55]

Hi Bosslady,

I’m new to all of this too so perhaps can’t offer too many words of advice/support. But all i can say is is that this is a very powerful and manipulative problem that can make you feel completely worthless and desperate to make things better. You are doing incredibly well to be so strong and to be the rock and the consistency that your children need.

Your post inspired me to be a little stronger today in my actions with my cg. I just wanted you to know that your strength helped me. So thank you

[Logic55]

Hope you had an enjoyable few days of celebrations. Thanks again for the message. The more i engage in this the more thereputic i find it and its so comforting to lnow there are other people there for support.

I know that my relationship isn’t healthy and all i can do it be as honest as i can with my cg and hope that he wants to be that honest with me too. I’m still working towards a discussion about his gambling but that’s still a future dream/hope.

I am starting to take care of myself. I do need that more. I have a girls holiday coming up which I’m excited about. Obviously i will be leaving CG behind but I’m much clearer now on the “I’m responsible for me, you are responsible for you” so am less worried about leaving him behind.

I’m trying option number 4 more and more and my post above was my first start in this. Yesterday CG told me about money that he has now saved for a car. I praised him on having the money to do something positive and said i hoped he did something really positive with it. Now its just fingers crossed and see if he can deliver on it!!

Today CG also discussed that it is likely that he will be taking a week off for an upcoming event which indulges his favourite form of gambling. From what i know of his brother already doing this before. It is a week off, in the pub gambling for the whole day, for a whole week.

Obviously i would much prefer for CG to be in work ( and even if he was he would only work in the morning so there is still plenty of pub time). I don’t even know how to deal with this. Saying anything negative goes against my whole “you decide” attitude. But the idea of him spending a whole week in the pub drinking and gambling fills me with dread.

I think the status quo has come about as i see it now that i am making his life easier rather thank making it better. They are two separate things. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I want to stand my ground but he will see it as an ultimatum. He will push away and that kills me.

CG isn’t speaking to me and i am about to go away on a work trip ( to where cg and i should have gone away). Everything is up in the air. Which is stressful for me as a fixer. I just have to let the land lie now i guess.

I won’t be in the group chat this week as i will be travelling. Hopefully i will be back (and on time) next week. Meanwhile i will keep posting

[Logic55]

Today marks almost two weeks since my CG and I last drank together. Today marks almost two weeks since my CG last had a drink. Today my CG fell off the wagon.

I know that gambling is my CG’s overwhelming vice but drink does him no favours either. But today i got a little bit stronger.

He made a few references to wanting to have a beer when we last met midweek but didn’t drink and said he was enjoying not drinking. I told him how well he had been doing without drink and not much more.

Again today my CG tested the waters debating if he should have a beer or not. But it was different. Almost seeking my approval to cave. Again i reminded him how well he had done and that it was up to him if he wanted a beer or not.

He got mad. Accusing me of judgy looks and being in a mood. I reminded him that i hadnt said anything about him having a drink. Its not up to me to make decisions for him. He is big enough to do that himself. That resulted in him pulling into the off licence and coming back with his beers.

We got home, enjoyed our meal and he had a coke. I hoped that this was just pushing for a reaction but my heart leaped everytime he went to the fridge. Eventually he came back with his beer, offered it to me, i declined as i was driving so he poured it for himself.

I said nothing and after a few minutes of debating with myself i realised i wasnt happy in that situation (the last time he drank was not a plesant experience and not something i want to be around again, he doesnt want to be like that towards me either).

So i said so. I said i thought it was better that i left as i wasn’t comfortable being around him at the moment when he was drinking. He agreed that i should leave as i had said the one thing that has destroyed our relationship (i let that comment slide). I stayed and tried to open the lines of communication. He told me he didn’t want to talk, and for the first time, without tears and without shouting, i left. I hugged him and let him know how much i love him before i left but i was clear and strong in doing the thing that was best for me.

I don’t know if i have done the right thing for my CG. I don’t know what it will do to my relationship. What i do know is that it was the best thing for me to do at that moment.

Today i got a little bit stronger.

[Logic55]

Thanks, Velvet. I think I could rant for England on this issue! And it feels so self centered. I’ll try not to rant though as that won’t help anything!

Yes, that comment from the CG makes total sense to me and my situation. With my CG, it is clear that he does care about me and knows that the way he is acting isnt good enough. But he cant stop. Or, more importantly, he doesnt want to. He often talks about how hard he tries to keep everyone happy but doesnt manage it. The guilt eats him up, but not enough to make a change…

Like I said, some of the fun activities fail. This weekend was one of them. There was an opportunity for a cheap weekend getaway, which is something he has talked about doing non-stop for ages and the perfect opportunity arose. All it took was putting money aside for booking low cost airline flights. The excuses came out, the delays on doing it and eventually the money had run out. It all feels like such a set back and I know I am not dealing with it in the best way.

When I said “finances not being a concern”, I meant it in two ways. Firstly, and most importantly, that there is no financial impact on me. This is something I have learnt the hard way. If he has no money to do it, we dont do it. Secondly, because of the way he chooses to live, he lives a very simplistic lifestyle. He is paid weekly so he, luckily, doesnt have the struggle of blowing a full month’s wage but his limited lifestyle outgoings means that his wage is almost all disposable income. That then goes into the bookies back pocket.

The moodswings and intolerable behaviour are what I find the most hardest to deal with. Do I fight fire with fire andstand my ground on the unacceptable behaviour? Do I sweep it under the carpet and ignore the issue…again? Do I let emotion take over and get underwhelmed and upset? Usually, a horrible combination of all 3. And that’s where I feel like I am letting him down. I cant support him enough.

I completely agree that abstention isnt enough and he needs real help but he is totally unwilling to face up to any of this and definitely wont seek help (I want to say “at this stage” but that may be optimistic!)

I know that no-one else is to blame for the choices my CG makes. However, the environment around him is so destructive and has so many layers to it, it is a whole issue in itself.

Velvet, thank you again for your support. I didnt realise how much i needed an outlet for this. Gambling seems like such a secretive addiction with no obvious symptoms and such a mystery around it. I too have fallen into the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil trap. And that needs to change!!

[Logic55]

Hi Velvet,

Thanks for you kind words and taking the time to reply to this!

The sober month challenge went well initially. He made it to about 3 weeks and caved in on the drinking first. This was due to his work colleages, ironically, betting on him to fail. One of the guys cut him in on the bet if he gave up and had a drink. Once he had failed with the drinking, he saw this as a failure of fhe whole thing and the gambling soon followed. I was really proud about how he had done but so disappointed that the peer pressure became too much.

I totally agree with what you are saying about becoming more informed. That’s why i have reached out to you guys. Really i need help with how to be supportive to him without enabling him. Its such a fine line.

My username was a deliberate choice. I am trying to be as logical as i can be but its sometimes easier said than done when emotions are involved.

I think peaceful happiness would be a struggle in the next 6-12 month and would be difficult but not impossible. I have set boundries for what i would expect (although that hasnt extended to limits on how he gambles as i feel that needs to come from him rather than me telling him). And now things are left in his control. I feel that if he is as desperate to make change as he says he is, he needs to come to a point that he does something about it.

I try to challenge his management of money with little tasks that require some forward planning and allocated money but if they fall through its not a financial concern. Meaning that there are fun activities to aim for away from gambling. Sometimes it works well, sometimes it spectacularly fails.

For him, there is no acceptance of the fact that there is a problem. And that is the part i struggle with the most. It is an off topic matter. He has said that he doesn’t want to change who he and that counselling isn’t something he would ever do. So this is the other problem i have: trying to get him to engage with something like this would be practically impossible.

For my CG, actions really do speak louder than words. And i would want that big change that you talk about before i could live with him. At the minute its almost a battle of wills, how long i can carry on v how long he will hold out on the fact that there is a problem. I’d love to see positive actions but i don’t know how he can get to that place without accepting that there is a problem. Or how we can move forward.

With regards to the families – on my part, my friends just don’t know enough about it and, understandably want to protect me. His family have much more experience with addiction to a point that they are almost numb from it. So talking to either side would be a challenge.

I feel like this is more ranty than my first post and probably much more disjointed…sorry about that but i do appreciate the response.

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