[Logic55]

I couldnt even get through the barriers at London Paddington yesterday without getting sucked in by their advertising. I hate it.

Watching the football…get a £20 free bet for Cheltenham, when you bet in play on this match now. (that wasnt even at half time, it was on the hoarding).

My CG comes from a poor area, linked to horse racing, literally every conversation I have had with someone from there, Cheltenham has been mentioned.

Adverts for smoking were banned many moons ago, there are no where near the number of adverts for alcohol but gambling is just everywhere!

It must be so tough for those trying not to gamble at the minute, it is hard to get it out of your mind enough without it being shoved in your face.

Everytime i see something from Cheltenham, my heart just sinks. For others, i can only imagine it is like continuous itches they cant scratch.

I know I have lost my CG to Cheltenham this week… I’m sure I’ll have to assess the damage at the weekend…

And the brilliance of Gold Cup and Paddy’s Day on Friday…

[Logic55]

Wow, Lily. Everytime you reply i feel like things are so much clearer.

My CG is about to turn 30, i think he has gambled for all of his adult life and is leaned behaviour from his dad and hi s older brother. As for how long he has had a problem or how deep the problem is, its something that has come before me but as he is in denial its not something i know the details of. i know he has had problems as a result of pay day loans, credit cards etc. but he attributes all of that to the struggle of having a child at an age when he wasnt really ready. I’m under no illusion that they are problems caused from the gambling but shows the level of his denial.

The handling of money is something i have distanced myself from for a long time. i have slowed the idea of living together because he needs to sort himself out first. we had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about how he has given up on looking after himself and moving forwards and that is why he stuck in his situation. That is what is leading towards him wanting me to look after his finances.

he does have a thrift in work, where his employer keeps part of his wages. most of the guys he works with use it for Christmas presents and holidays. he has already spent that money more times over in his head than i care to think about.

All of that advice is really useful, and somethings i hadnt considered before so I’m glad I asked. My reasoning to do it from a second account of his it to keep the transparency. I can easily justify the direct debits and the money going in/out and its not “me stopping him getting his money” or taking his money off him, it is his his money, in his account that he is not able to access.

He is massively in denial about his gambling addictions. He looks to his dad and his older brother, who really cant function in a world outside of their own head and because he “isnt as bad as them” i dont think he sees his problems in the same way. when we have been able to talk before about the addicition, which is usually a very small window, i remember a conversation where i said that i didnt want to see him turn into his dad/brother and he said he loved me so much just for saying that about him and seeing something in him worth saving. Thats probably as close as I have gotten to him recognising that there is a problem.

As regards to any kind of professional support, he isnt anywhere near hitting rock bottom, he is pretty well protected by enablers around him, so to get him to go to a rehab facility would never be something he would consider at this stage. 1. as he doesnt recognise there is a problem 2. he wouldnt agree to not see his child for that long. Usual therapy he “doesnt believe in” he sees it as someone telling you how to think and judging him etc. GA meetings, i think it would be similar to his views on his dad/brother – why am i here? I’m not as bad as these guys.

I think he would benefit most from CBT but he needs to want to accept that help and, currently, he doesnt want the help.

I wouldnt be here on this site or still with him if i couldnt see the incredible person he is behind the horrible veil of addiction. As as long as I see more of him than i do of the gambler then i know there is hope. The problem is the longer he suppresses for and the longer he goes untreated, the more likely he will be to go the same way as his family members and I will have lost him forever.

Your messages are always useful and are very clear in relation to my garbled mess of outpouring of thoughts! Thanks once again for the support x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

I know the hard work and pain that has it has taken to be able to find your happiness with your partner and fills me with hope that there are ways to beat this horrible addiction.

Yes, our situations are so different. I was so naive to addiction before I met CG, I enabled him, I embraced his gambling as I didnt see it as more than one of those things that guys go, that I just didnt get. I wasnt introduced to his family for a long time (because he is ashamed of where he comes from, he has a lot of insecurities about who he is and his background) so I couldnt see the problems that were there.

I have changed my behaviour as i learn and i learn something new pretty much daily. Before I met CG, I couldnt even tell you where my nearest bookies was, now I see them everywhere and am shocked about the sheer amount of advertising there is in relation to gambling, particularly in comparison to other addictions. But that is another rant.

I agree, I hate how much gambling can ruin lives and whilst I do refuse to gamblewith CG now, I have in the past and I will in Vegas. And even if I didnt, CG would assume that I am. I thought about it for a long time, and the best thing I can do is be honest about what I have done and that I have lost money and reconfirm my belief that gambling is a mugs game. It creates losers and the house always wins. Its another example of the loss caused by gambling, not the joining in of CGs favourite past time.

Oh and I completely agree, CG surrounds himself with his fellow gamblers, he has fb groups sharing tips constantly, his dad, his brother, his work colleagues, he is surrounded constantly by gambling. his real friends he sees once in a blue moon.I am trying now to be a safe haven for him, but it a fine line to tread with someone in denial.

I understand what you are saying about taking the control of the situation and I am working towards putting myself in to a position to do that. Sadly, if he doesnt want to teke positive steps, the relationship wont move in a positive direction and then what is left? I am dealing with my own issues and hopefully, that will make stronger in being able to look after myself.

CG is talking about giving me control of his bank account, I’m not sure in what capacity or how to deal with this so any advice would be appreciated if you have done this before with your partner. The one condition I had was that I didnt want him transferring money into my account. I dont want to be accused of trying to steal his money or any of that manipulative bs so the only way I would agree would be to have control of his account/card. Im dubious about if it would work or even if he would give me enough control that it actually means i’m helping him.

I am trying my hardest to better myself as I know that CG craves that better life. Im hoping that if he can be present at the weekend, getting a break from his family and get some time with my functioning family, may do him some good. Things arent good for him at home at the minute. Thanks for listening x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Yes, I am terrible at it. I know we have discussed it before but I find it so difficult to truly look after myself. I always put others first, now i am realising, to a fault.

With regards to Vegas, yes I will gamble and I completely agree that to do that sends horrendous mixed messages and levels of hypocrisy. The only conversation I have had with CG about it he just said “wow..I would be dangerous if i was let loose in vegas.”

However, I am not an addict. I know that it is just a way of throwing away $$$. I’m not chasing a win. I know I will lose and will waste $xx doing it. And that is exactly what I told CG about it. For me its a “when in Rome” thing. And even if I did abstain, for CG Vegas = gambling. It would make no difference what I was actually doing there (we are doing plenty of non-gambling related things) but im sure we will all throw a few dollars on red/black, just to say we did it.

Everything sounds so positive with your partner ( I was just reading your thread) and I’m glad you have become so close and your are both now so emotionally available to fully love each other. I accept that I have my own issues too and I’m working towards them. I can only hope that if I’m working towards being in a better place, CG will want that for himself too.

Thanks for replying 🙂 x

[Logic55]

Thank you both Lily and Velvet for your considered replies.

Lily, I know you are right and after spending a long while upset that i wasnt worth enough, I remembered that it isnt that, its that he physically cannot empathise with me. i spent a long time talking to my counselor about it and i have it straight in my head that he just cant deal with it all and the gambling does and will come first.

I am definitely guilty of all of those traits you described, essentially leading to not looking after myself. i’m working hard every day to get better at that. and stepping away yesterday from a situation i didnt want to be in was a HUGE step for me and probably not something I would have done before.

As far as doing things for me goes, I will, in a few weeks be thousands of miles away from CG on a girls trip where I intend on being present. I know a full two weeks of not worrying will be incredibly difficult for me. Plus I will be in Vegas, which isnt a problem for me but I’m sure will affect CG in someway.

Velvet, I do have a very long and annoying contingency plan in place for getting me back to my parents (I cant drive myself as its my right foot that is broken). After the first week of the break, and what happened in my post, i realised that i cant rely on him as i would expect with a non-gambling partner.

I think CG is as desperate for the break to visit my parents as I am and seems concerned that he will be left to his own devices on saturday morning when I am off getting my hair cut (doing things for me!).

I have given him a bit of a bad rep, he has rearranged his time with his little boy to come with me and does recognise that it is important to me.

However, I’m well aware that it will probably be a “favour” that he will want cashing back in at some point.

Yes, my foot did lead me to feeling very vulnerable and isolated. but once i changed my attitude and stopped feeling sorry for myself everything got a bit easier.

I think I have come back to posting at exactly the right time as CGs home life is about to get turned upside down. Which really isnt needed during this week *sigh*.
I’ll update when everything is more under control.

Thanks again. Your responses just give me so much clarity on my situation.

[Logic55]

I havent responded earlier because of the reasons below.

Yes, I did hit a low and that crept into the last couple of weeks of additional boredom of not being able to do much more than sit around and look at my foot.

Last week, I really changed my mood and went back to how I would normally treat a SO. My logic, I can either let myself be pulled down back into the gambling spiral, where we are both in terrible moods and taking it out on each other. or i can rise above it and hope that CG can rise above it too.

And he did, the last few days/weeks have been great. he has wanted to see me more and even suggested that I saw him last week on payday. which was a big deal as i cant remember if there has been a single pay day this year where he hasnt gone off radar.

Yeah it is really difficult as long term its harder and harder to see how we would have a future together, even though I know it is what he desperately wants. He just has too much enablement around him to ever hit rock bottom.

I have been keeping visits shorter. Yesterday was very interesting as his village suffered from internet outage and he had no tv/internet all weekend. As i cant do anything, adding no tv/internet to that was driving me crazy and we were both getting on each others nerves. So I left and went back to the 21st century! usually, he would have some big kick off to justify why i had to leave. but he was super affectionate and waited to wave me off. Very unusual for my CG.

This week is going to be tough. All i can do is distract myself. somehow. Maybe.

[Logic55]

I havent posted for a little while as I have been focusing on me. Managed to fall down the stairs and break my foot so i’m very much out of action and really has opened my eyes as to how much I can only look after myself.

CG has been very frustrating. Initially, no help with getting to hospital, no checking I was okay and just the excuses that he would obviously be there if he could, but its too hard for him to get to me. However, even when he was able to get to me, he didnt come. Just so frustrating that, when I really do need him, he just wasnt present. it was so easy for him to detach himself from what was happening with me.

I know that that is my own issue and that he just isnt capable of offering me what I need when I am struggling.

Once i was in front of him though and he has to face up that i needed help, he was amazing. checking on what i need, breakfast in bed. taking on extra driving so i dont have to do it. he was amazing, why couldnt he just do that from day 1 instead of fighting against me!?

This week is filling me with dread. Cheltenham festival ending with a lovely double whammy on Friday of Cheltenham Gold Cup and Paddy’s day 🙁 I need CG as I want to visit my mum for her birthday and he knows this and ive set out clearly what I need. He has already said that the only way he will be sober is because of his son’s karate class that evening and he cant turn up to that drunk. so making it nice and clear that if he does stay out of the pub, he wont be doing it for my benefit….

Just dont know the best way to handle this week, apart from keep my distance…

[Logic55]

Sorry Lily that I have not been in touch sooner and thank you for taking the time to reply.

After my last message i spent the rest of the night upset and not sleeping and eventually manifested in making myself ill enough that I was not in work for a couple of days.

Obviously, I haven’t been doing enough to look after myself and if I’m not looking after myself then that needs to be my priority.

As a result of being ill and generally feeling rubbish, a lot of my own self-doubt and worry has kicked in. There hasnt even been time to worry too much about CG but I’ve found myself doing the worst thing and bringing him down with me.

I am focusing on me this week. Looking after me. Taking positive steps for me. and working towards getting my head back in the right place!!

CG has been quite argumentative this weekend but its something i find really hard to deal with as I can see he doesnt want to be throwing the tantrums and arguments that he does but he cant stop himself. Starting to see a correlation between payday when he gets his fix and the weekend, which is half way away from payday and when I am most around him and, therefore, harder for him to gamble/when he has ran out of money, which leads to him wanting to argue.

The world of excuses for where his money went this week was a new level of BS, even by CG’s standards. So frustrating!!

Sorry that this isnt a more positive message. Hopefully, by the end of this week, the positivity will be flowing!!!

[Logic55]

Velvet, I’m so sorry to hear about your bad news and you have been in my thoughts all weekend.

As is typical of life with a CG, the good time didn’t last long. Currently sitting here by myself after what can only be described as being thrown out of CG’s (we don’t live together, i just had to go home and i am safe) for no real reason at all. Feeling totally rejected, disrespected and used.

I can’t keep doing this. I need change. I’m broken. I need to step away now.

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Thanks for your message. I thought about writing down how i feel to CG but i know at the minute it won’t register with him.

This week has been a mixed bag really. We have had gig tickets booked for a while and that required an overnight stay. This made me anxious as our last hotel stay was a disaster on so many ways and ended up with me hundreds of pounds down. So naturally i was worried about this one. He was adament that it was booked but couldn’t show me confirmation of the booking or even name the hotel.

So i called him out on it. Told him that i knew it had never been booked in the first place. Cue full 24hr strop from CH. him “cancelling” the imaginary hotel.

When i finally got to talk to him properly we had a good chat and he opened up a little saying that he is really struggling with feeling depressed and stressed. Obviously no mention of the addiction problems but he is getting better at startimg to open up to me so i didn’t want to shut that down by bringing up something i know he is in denial about.

In the end we went to the gig with a cobbled together plan which was done in the car on the way there. But we actually had a really good time and it was good to see CG happy. And more importantly i felt happy.

One of the things i struggle with how to address is when CG wants to “treat” me when he wins a bet. Part of me feels like I’m owed something good from all of the stress from this gambling but really i know that isn’t the right answer.

[Logic55]

I think what you have said above is the exact reason that I have never written a letter to CG (or at least not one that he has ever/will ever see). At the end of the day I didnt think it would achieve what I wanted it to, so for now, I continue my search for my way to be able to express how I feel.

Yesterday was an eyeopener for me, not only to truly see CG for what he is but that i am starting to get stronger in my dealing of the situation. Maybe i didnt get it quite right as not reacting resulted in an angry explosion from CG (I was in the car so there wasnt really anywhere to escape or distract myself).

For me, there was a tiny victory in hearing CG wander off muttering “I guess i was pretty harsh with the things I said to you…” Not quite an apology for his unacceptable behaviour, but an acknowledgement that what he did was wrong. Which I cant remember ever happening before.

Yes, I’ve found those responses to be the best. “if you say so” provides a variety of responses depending on CGs mood. My usual go to is “i’ve heard that’s what you are saying but I dont believe that’s true” usually works quite well but normally lands somewhere with CG concluding that we will just have to agree to disagree.

He is a very good liar, he got it down to a tee in his last relationship. So it’s often hard to call him out on his bull. I just have to live with the knowledge that I am right and let him live with the denial.

Thanks for the advice, Velvet! As always, really appreciated! 🙂

[Logic55]

Hi,

Thanks again for taking the time to write to me. Your messages do me the world of good. I think this reply is a mixture of replying to you and getting stuff off my chest, so sorry if i ramble on about irrelevant stuff.

I am terrible at looking after myself. I think i am indestructible and that i need to look after everyone else. Trying not to look after CG is tough! The last couple of weeks have shown me just how vulnerable I am.

I agree with you that its so easy to get sucked in. I am seeing things so much clearer now and can start to see triggers.

I think my CG is worried that he will soon be rumbled. He has made it clear that he doesnt want to let me in, he wants to do everything himself but that he is incredibly stressed out.

The addictions at the minute are overwhelming and the lies are unbearable. No – I didnt have a bet this week. *open wallet* there are betting slips clear as day.
The thing that is making it really hard is facing up to the idea that he is also an alcoholic. Not as an necessity but as a coping mechanism.

Yesterday, he created an argument from nowhere, about nothing. He had been trying for a little while to get a rise out of me with insults and finally settled on me “sulking” as being the reason. He exploded. No i wasnt allowed in the house, I could just go home. This was the first time i saw the monster for everything that it really was. My CG holding my hand desperate to love me whilst throwing some horrendous insults, pushing me away and just letting out so much anger.

I could see that what he really wanted was to go inside, be by himself and drink. That’s why he didnt want me there he didnt want me to know.

Eventually he calmed down and cooked me an incredible dinner. Unfortunately, he definitely snuck in a drink or two when I nipped to the shops. He thinks I dont know. He thinks he got away with it.

And that is where the difficulty lies with my CG. There is no acceptance or acknowledgement of the problem. Its off limits. There is no conversation to be had.

Do i pretend that I dont know I’m being lied to over and over again? Do i call him out on the crap? Do i let him fall further into denial and lies to hide everything from me. I completely hear what youre saying about don’t put him down and make it about me, I havent worked out how to do that yet, whilst he is still in denial.

I have often thought about writing CG a letter. Something permanent where i cant chicken out of what i really want to say, like i have so many times. I’m almost running two parallel lives atm. The one where CG and I pretend like nothing is going on. He lies, i pretend to believe them. And the other where im strengthening myself and putting into place ways and means of escaping the gambling when the time is right for me. I am living a life of denial too. I’m not honest with CG, he isnt honest with me.

I hope I am doing better than I think. Im really feeling 1 step forward 2 steps back at the minute.

Sorry for going off on one.

Logic x

p.s. I have gone back and read your post. You strength is incredible and its so nice to hear your CG is doing so well. I live in hope!!

[Logic55]

Hi Tara,

I did reply to your message but it has disappeared so I will have to try and rewrite it. Maybe it will have a different perspective today.

I am definitely similar to you in many ways. And have definitely been guilty of enabling and falling into the trap of joining in, as it was something we could both enjoy (obviously, at the time i didnt realise the impact I was having joining in and dont encourage the gambling anymore.)

The gambling monster is rearing its head big time at the minute and the more we are creeping towards my CGs favourite pasttime – horses – big events (Cheltenham, Grand National) the more severe the gambling and the lies are getting.

That’s the thing i struggle with the most, knowing i’m being lied to and not knowing what to say…

Of course the answer is no i dont want gambling in my life and i will continue to push that. But, I know that this just makes my CG want to hide more.

For me the road out is long and difficult because I know that I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with not having him in my life anymore. Maybe that’s selfish but the truth is I really love him and it is his selfish actions which are driving me away.

You will never sound as preachy as some of my friends and, whilst I am better at talking to them now, for a while I wasn’t. They know I’m having counselling and I am talking again.

For a long time I was hiding what was going on from everyone around me. Mainly, due to CG’s manipulation that he would make it clear that he was unhappy that I was “slagging him off to anyone who would listen”. Obviously, I know better than this now and everyday I am learning more and getting stronger.

I agree that the processes are the same so I’m just trying to take comfort from what others around me say. I know i must be so frustrating to others on here that know i need to step away. It just isnt that easy for me right now…

Everyday is a battle. Everyday i feel differently about the situation.

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Thanks you for your message and our discussion on Tuesday. Sorry I couldnt stick around longer. Hopefully we will talk again soon.

I know I am not in a relationship with the man, but the monster and that’s hard because in reality, I have never really known CG. Everything you say about the addiction is spot on. He wont let me in or talk to me about anything.

He is switching between so many different things that he wants to get his life back on track…live with me…live on his own…get a car…get a dog…sort things out for his child…it changes almost daily and its impossible to keep up. For now, I have told him that if he want to be with me he needs to make it happen (it is protecting myself because deep down I know he cant follow through on it at the minute). But it is enough to want to see a change in him.

The last couple of weeks he has been very very distant. And we are going to go from that to spending a lot of time together next week. That worries me as keeping my distance has meant that we are argument free but i dont want to provoke the monster.

Your story fills me with hope that change is a possibility. But in myself at the minute i am not strong enough to see it through or give an ultimatum as I’m not certain that I can keep strong on it. So, for now, all I can do is fix myself and make myself strong enough to make logical, smart decisions for me. With or without CG.

Please dont apologise for telling me about your own life. As I discussed with Velvet yesterday, when I first started this i felt the whole “look after you first” mentality was a load of hippy hoo-haa. I see things much differently now and want to be happier, stronger and less stressed.

Thanks for the help.
Logic x

[Logic55]

Its taken me a few days to reply or post again. For a few reasons really but mainly because my thoughts are a constant battleground at the minute with no two days the same.

Firstly, White Tara, thank you for your words and I’m sorry that you have had such a stressful time with your CG. I’m glad that you have saved yourself and are taking care of you as your number 1. It took me a little while to reply to you as some of what you said hit home and i found myself reading your post in a million different ways. I totally agree with your comment “He himself may not be a monster but the gambling most certainly is.” It is a monster that I cant wait to rid of, in whatever form that may take.

I am currently reading up on codependency and this is something which I have been discussing on the helpline and I am looking forward discussing more in counselling.

Its amazing how coming to the realisation that there is something which I am struggling with, which needs to be explored more, completely washed over me until it was really pointed out to me (and i then went looking for an answer). Maybe I’m a hypocrite. I worry about my CG being in denial of his problems, when it was the same for me too.

This is the path to making me stronger and I’m excited to rid myself of constant stress and self-destruction and maybe actually manage to be happy. Fingers crossed!

[Author]

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