[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

I think the break was good for the both of us, it gave me some respite from gambling and it gave him space to think.

Oh I completely agree with you! But any recognition that gambling was detrimental to progress was completely absent from CG even a few weeks ago. So him now recognising that changes are to be made to improve his standard of living is an amazing start in my book. I was worried I would never even see that day!

In answer to your question, gambling is his security blanket. His self confidence is terrible and he will work as hard as he can sometimes to push me away, i think out of fear of rejection or that I will see him for who he truly is and wont like it. So he cant let the mask slip too much. Plus, i’m sure in his head, that if he tells me he is going cold turkey and “fails” like last time, I wont look at him the same way, so its an easy way to pacify me and protect himself because he cant fail if he hasnt quit.

Im working on encouraging him to trust me to let me in to offer support and, hopefully, if he can start to recognise that not gambling can make him happier than gambling, then the little bets can be knocked on the head. Its such a big ask for CG at this stage though. And as I’ve learned, it has to come from him, me adding pressure (or being “judgemental” as he likes to call it) wont help the situation. So i’m taking a massive step back and letting him figure it out on his own.

I’m still making the right choices for me. I had an interview for a new job, which is killing CG as it would mean I would be further away. But its what I need to be doing and I’m building up to find a way to discuss with him all of the support I have been receiving to show him that its okay to ask for help.

My mindset has completely changed in respect of all of this and im hoping that some of that will rub off on CG. I just have to keep making good choices and working hard on myself, the rest is out of my control. Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Thanks for checking in on me. I had a wonderful holiday, thank you. It was great to have a break and all of the trust and the worry that I was scared would taint my holiday, didnt effect me at all. Which is something that really surprised me.

My codependent nature decided to rear its ugly head after a few drinks one night which I was really disappointed with myself about. So I’m adjusting my behaviour to keep myself in check and realise just how easy it is to slip.

The time away seems to have been good for CG too but it is early days yet. Again he has talked about how much he hates gambling and wasting all his wages on gambling. He has self excluded online again (or so he says) but is still saying that he “only” wants to put on his little £5 bets at the bookies. So not quite there but taking steps towards acknowledging the problem.

He is plowing his wages into buying things now, for his mum, for his little boy, for me and has already managed a date night and has another one planned for tonight. So its nice to see him using his money more positively, rather than just handing it straight to the bookies on pay day.

I’ve just read your post, very jealous of all of the easter treats 😉 but I’ve just had 2 weeks in America so who am I to talk. Glad its going well for you.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Hey Lily,
Sounds loke youve had an awesome few days. You sound super busy though, dint know how you’re fitting it all in.

You were right about his shell. In fact, he managed to take a step back. Sent me messages yesterday asking for money for some made up excuse. He knows not to ask me for money. After the conversation we had at the weekemd, i know that its money that he can’t afford to lose. So i hope he hasn’t managed to find it elsewhere.
Obviously i told him that i wouldn’t give him any money and he hasnt spoken to me since.

WOrk is stressful as I’m about to take 2 weeks off and my anxiety is really up. I’m trying to look after myself, but this week is a trying week! Sunday can’t come quickly enough. I’m desperate for a break and proper sleep.

I hope it all starts to settle soon but I’m about to disrupt the norm so we will see.

Thanks Lily!!

[Logic55]

Thanks for the pep talk Lily! Hope you had a nice weekend/mother’s day?

THE CARD: so after not remembering to take the card away from CG, then texting CG to remind him that he hadnt given his card to me, we had to play the “imaginary lost bank card” game. Except I didn’t play. He tried to claim that he had left the bank card at my house and that I was responsible for him not having the card as I didnt have it. I stated clearly and patiently that it wasnt true that he left it at mine. I sat and read my book whilst he pretended to look for it in my drawers “where he had left it” and again just gave the reasons why he wouldnt be able to find it at my house. The main one being that he was carrying out of my house the day before…

And I left it there. No enabling. No helping. No engaging in the charade.

Strangely, on the drive back, out of the blue without any prompt, CG decided to confess he had lied to me. About debt he had racked up on one of his bank cards, which is meant to be impossible to do, and the trouble he was having paying it off and that every payday he would put £50 on a horse to pay it off and every payday he would lose and be down £50, and all of those £50s could have been used to pay the bank back so now that he is what he is doing. Every week £100 to the bank. But then he was talking about blowing through his wages and that he was annoyed giving so much to the bank but he was spending the same easily in one night at the pub drinking/gambling. And that the problem isnt him losing money to the bank, its losing money down the pub.
Gambling makes him miserable 99 times out of 100.

These are words i NEVER thought I would hear from CG’s mouth any time soon. And I was so unprepared for it.

The cynical side of me wonders if that’s just what he thinks I want to hear? Is it manipulation, did he know he had no win with the bank card? But on the other side, it is a place that I never thought I would get to with him? Has something filtered through?

Anyway, its less than a week until my holiday and that’s alllllll i can think about now! Everything else will take care of itself…
logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

I will respond properly when I get a chance, hopefully later today. I couldnt get onto the group last night (thursday is a terrible day for me). I hope it went well 🙂

I spoke to CG last night and told him that I was worried about his gambling. I framed it in a “with what’s happening with the rest of your family, I’m just worried about you”. I offered support and my concerns that he was dealing with too much on his own. I had it all rehearsed in my head and couldnt get the words out. So I couldnt really get across what I wanted to say. Not helped by the fact that he wont even enter into a conversation about it. The response was that he was fine and I needed to stop talking about it.

I feel like I let us both down. I blew my chance.

Interestingly, he left a scrunched up mini statement in my car (after showing it to me) of his account. He said he was “confused” because his wages hadnt gone in, so the balance should either be £1500 or nothing.

This is a lie. Its his wages that he blew half of in one evening. Was I suppose to call him out on it? Was that him asking for help? Should I have done more? He asked me to take his bank card so he didnt do something “dangerous” with it today. Was I supposed to take it off him? or let him offer it up?

These are all rhetorical questions and not really anything you can answer but my mind has been swamped with these thoughts since I didnt manage to get through to him last night.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Work have “messed up” his wages, which really means he lost a lot more last night after he was paid…great.

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Busy couple of days. Your message really resonated with me to I wanted to be able to give it the time to reply properly.

Oh its so hard to look after myself but I am really taking a step back from the situation and trying to look in objectively.

Haha yes, i think my brain went for some kind of kicking in/creeping in combo but essentially, yes. I know I can’t stop the gambling, but being so far away raises my anxiety. I will enjoy my holiday I know I will. And that is 100% for me and I am going to be present and its going to make me so happy. I just want to be able to protect myself better against worrying about what is happening back home because I know I will. I cant keep my mind off it constantly for 2 weeks. Especially being on the other side of the world.

This week is everything I thought it would be. I cant remember what I said about it last week, but I think that CG worked his way up to about a grand and then lost a grand in the space of 1 day betting on Cheltenham.

However, if you asked CG, he got up to £2.5k, blew a grand and withdrew the rest from his online account. I never for 1 second believed that to be true but for the last 5 days I have been fed promises of this imaginary £1500 and how he is planning on spending it. Its painful to listen to, knowing it is a lie.

Yesterday he planned to see me but he bailed. He had been drinking the day before and as a result of a hangover and probably having to accept that no imaginary money would be in his account, he bailed and rearranged for today (the day after he has been paid).

There are a lot of things he is doing at the minute which my logical brain cannot comprehend or understand. But its getting harder and harder. And you are right Lily, there is no reason to change. His mum does everything for him at home and keeps him accountable for his actions whilst allowing him to do exactly what he wants, he has a v well paying job that is almost impossible to lose, other family members will indulge in his addiction, his ex is a reliable and punctual delivery/collection service for his child and I guess I fill the gaps of fulfillment for anything else that he needs. As much as I refuse to bail him out or give him money to feed then addiction, I must be an enabler in some way to allow myself to be continually lied to with no consequences. Justifying his gambling and his need to hide what he is doing and lie and keep doing it. Taking the crap over and over.

I look at his brother’s gf and ask myself what she is doing with him. People ask that about me and I choose not to listen x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

It was a bit stressful but I have to remember that I can control how stressed I get so I focussed on work instead and left my life not being dictated by gambling.

I was so thankful for the support and preparation from you and velvet, i’d did help me to think more rationally even when I started to let my thoughts getting out of control.

My codependency, although enhanced by dating a CG, was prevalent in previous relationships outside of addiction,now that I have gone back and looked into it all. And I looked back at my post when I first came to GT and just looking for help for CG without any realisation that it was also ME that needed help. If nothing else, I will be forever grateful for that. I also now 100% acknowledge that I cant help CG, no matter how much i would love to fix it all. I can work on my issues and my myself better.

Perhaps you are right.The weekend would definitely have been different. More enjoyable, i’m not sure. And I have to acknowledge that CG really did make an effort. Moving seeing his little boy I know is always hard on him and increases his stress and he did a 6 hour round trip for me. No, it wasnt perfect. But was he trying? Totally.

Yes the move isnt something taken lightly and it is the best thing for me. Where I am now, I am stalling. CG is stalling on more commitment and i dont want to stay stagnant. There are many many options and I dont know what will happen and its not something im trying to predict or control.

I just keep trying to work on me and hope that CG wants to work on me. Stresses of my holiday and 2 weeks away are keeping in, especially as its overlaps with CG’s next focus…Aintree!!

Hope things are well with you and your family. Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

I see you are working hard on the forums at the minute. Thought it was worth an update.

Ahhh Friday. Up until 1.30 everything was running smoothly…ish.

Thursday had been CG’s big blow out. All of the wages were gone. Apparently he got up to around £800 in cash in his wallet. That all went on roulette. Big promises that he has £1500 coming in from his online account (believe that if you will).

After a nothing morning from CG, suddenly started getting very uplifting messages from CG, the excitement of the gamble was kicking in. Right on the stroke of the first race at cheltenham i got a message about how i made him feel like scum and he wasnt coming. I reacted. overcompensating and desperately trying to reassure (damn you codependency).

Then nothing.

Then the horse I knew he was going to back big fell. More messages about how i made him feel worthless. This time a more sensible approach from me. I replied saying that I was too busy at work to reply properly but I would see him where we had arranged to meet after work.

I prepared myself for getting the train. But he was there. looking the worst for wear but he was present. Obviously with no money and a world of excuses.

My weekend with my family was lovely. He was engaged and nice with them. I know forced family events arent comfortable for addicts so i appreciated the effort. And he did make a lot of effort. but the lack of money bothered me. having to watch him look sheepish that he couldnt pay for a round of drinks, us being restricted in what we did during the rest of the weekend. I find it so tough not to bail him out and pay in those situations.

As I said, it was a very me focused weekend and i think that I will be moving closer to my parents for work and this wont be something that CG will be able to do, so i think this may be as far as our relationship goes. There’s only so long I can wait for something more from him and that isnt going to change, so i have to do what is best for me, even though it would break my heart, perhaps it is for the best.

A lot of emotions going around at the minute. A lot of worry about the future and I can feel the codependency and anxiety rearing its ugly head again.

Gosh dating a gambler is hard… logic x

[Logic55]

I completely understand what you are saying and i know i can’t trust him or rely on him in full gamling mode. I know that i can do it on my own. I would just prefer not to as its goIng to be very expensive for me.

As i suspected, CG gambled big, won big and lost big. I don’t trust the number he is giving me and is obviously lying and feeling very sorry for himself. A little while ago i would have been really worried about him and mothered him and wanted to make it better. This time it hasnt touched me. He is messaging me telling me how bored he is with life. I told him to take his own advice that he gave to his brother earlier in the week and said goodnight.

He will wallow for the rest of the night and probably blow whatever is left tomorrow.

I on the other hand have had a really nice non-gambling night and really taken care of myself and it feels great! So nice not to be weighed down by the gambling monster!

Every day is a new day and this weekend is a me indulgent weekend. Nothing is going to change that. Not Even the gambling monster.

Thanks so much for your continued support lily. Is so good to have someone to talk to x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Tough love is what gets through to me the best, I guess. So no need to apologise, even if i don’t really like the outcome(!)

Today is the day I have lost him. Its post pay day and he knows he cant go big tomorrow. By the looks of his social media, he has had a big win (not that im checking up on him, it crossed my radar) but I’m keeping my distance and keeping my mind occupied with other things. It wont last him long.

I am taking huge steps to look after myself better and put myself first, more than most people know, but the biggest step of all is a medium length plan and wont fall into place straightaway.

I’ll see what I can do. The train option isnt something I can afford. Its difficult….Feels kinda cutting my nose off to spite my face.

[Logic55]

Bosslady!

I cant believe how far you have come since we last spoke. I know there is a long (parallel) road ahead but you both sound much more prepared for the journey!

Nice to see you and the family doing well !

[Logic55]

Hi velvet,

good to hear from you 🙂

I’m filling my time with a lot more things that just concern me, rather than worrying about what CG is doing. Its two weeks until I go away so there is lots of prep to do for that, which is keeping me busy. And I’m making lots more positive plans with friends, who are all being much more supportive and that’s great.

I know I’m not getting everything right but this is a tough week for me with the distractions and encouragement of Cheltenham for my CG. I’m trying to keep calm and just be a positive influence for him.

Oh yes, definitely. It is my mum’s birthday today and tomorrow I am travelling 130miles to visit her and my family, who I havent seen since Christmas. So it is a very me-focused weekend.

The easiest, cheapest and most convenient way to do this is in the car, which is why I have recruited CG into helping with the driving, especially with my out of action foot. I can travel on the train but its more than double the price and will take longer and obviously requires more walking.

Either way, I will be at home with my family. I hope with CG as he has been super supportive since the initial letting me down when I first got injured, but I will keep you posted.

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

He has always said from the start that he was going to have a bet on Cheltenham. There was never going to be much to prevent that. I think the mess his brother is currently in is stemming how bad my CG is and, if I’m honest, I was actually surprised he was functioning enough to want to see me on pay day in the middle of Cheltenham. There are other times when that definitely wouldn’t have happened.

However, i know he is being dishonest about how much he has been betting. Ive seen some of the betting slips of what he lost and its not what he told me, which is disappointing but not unexpected.

I decided to see him and we went out for dinner. The WHOLE way there he was talking about Cheltenham. I had purposely not looked at any results so that I had no idea what he was talking about. Eventually, he recognised he was boring me talking about it and changed the topic.

Totally, we had a talk about what is going on with his brother at the minute, it was interesting to see it from CG’s perspective. That woke me up a little bit. But no there is no commitment from him and it is hard to see where there is a future. I’m moving myself forward in positive ways and that’s all I’m really in control of doing at the minute.

No, I didnt bail him out when he lost his wallet. That mistake was made a long time ago and he knows better than to come to me asking for money. Strangely, although he “lost” his wallet. He didnt lose his bank card, so i’m not sure what the purpose of the “lost” wallet was.

I know there’s no such thing as a good day at the bookies, I meant a day when he had come away with a “win”. That’s why I was concerned about meeting him. I thought that if he had had a win, dinner would be paid for with the money from that. He had obviously had losses all day though as there was a nice empty wallet.

He was actually on quite good form at dinner. He disappeared upstairs for a while when his pay went in, which he also did last week. And me reminding him that he needed to give me some money to go towards something we had agreed to split paying for resulted in a strop, a big charade about his internet banking and then going to the cash machine to make sure i got that money.

I got the money in the end, I know months ago I would have fallen for a world of lies, excuses and fake promises.

It’s hard not to get sucked in. I’m just staying really disengaged from the gambling and Cheltenham in general. Friday is the next big hurdle as from what he was saying yesterday, he is intending on having some big bets then.

Just looking after me x

[Logic55]

HI Lily,

Thanks for your post. CG has been quite non-committal with regards to the details of what he actually wants me to do with his money. We have been currently dealing with a “lost” wallet which conveniently turned back up just before the races this week.

I think the main reason he wants me to have his money is just that, he needs a place away from his family. I have always said he has to do that before I would consider living with him (in reality, he needs to struggle with paying bills and budgeting and pain we ALL have to go through to get our bills paid regularly and in full and on time).

Just to explain the ridiculousness of my CG’s denial of addiction, all afternoon he has been sat in the pub watching Cheltenham IN HIS GYM KIT!! so his sound mind was going to the gym. This makes him happy, improves his mood, gives him focus. The gambling monster has had him sat in the pub all day watching racing.

He has messaged me though asking if i want to see him tonight. we arranged a date night earlier in the week, but with the distractions of racing, i thought it would go straight out of the window (better things to spend money on than me). So either he has had a good day on his bets or, well i cant really think of the other option…

So hard to decide whether to meet him or not…

[Author]

Posts