[Logic55]

Velvet!!

What a lovely post! I actually felt really proud of myself after reading your message.

I know I can’t talk to him about his dad but its hard when he just disappears from the house and his little boy is looking for him “have you seen my dad…i hope he didn’t go to the bookies”. Thats hard.

I don’t think for a second he will want to listen to why i am going. He knows why really. I think he just thinks I’m happy to carry on this way. In a half assed relationship that only works one way. When i first met him he wanted to btter himself, he wanted to impress me. And he tried so hard. But it could never be sustainable without support and at that time i was uneducated and naive. Its hard to look back at the downfall but some of that is down to me. I made it easy for him to stop trying.

I hope this does shake him up a bit. He is a great guy. I don’t want for him to lose that and become an empty vessel like his family members. I want good things for him. I just can’t give them to him. He has to fight for them.

[Logic55]

Ohhh CG!! Today is payday. This weekend we are taking his boy to the seaside for his first scout camp. And we are going to spend a day (and night) at the seaside. Did someone say rain?

This afternoon CG sent money to me to keep hold of for the spends and hotel.

This evening i get a very flattering and complimentary text, more so than usual. Overkill maybe. And then i read it properly. Asking for his money back. I reply and didn’t acknowlege the money. He messaged again straight away asking for it. So now I’m too busy to reply. I’ve been reassured that its too late for the pub now so he won’t waste it there. I know where you want to waste it. I’m sure by the time i wake up i will have stolen his money and lots of other nasty things. He will thank me tomorrow (hopefully) but not tonight.

This is why i never wanted his money in my account. I don’t know if keeping it against his will is what i should do. I feel like it is. Its just a weird feeling for me.

[Logic55]

I don’t know what those stars are all about??

I definitely wrote C O U N T!

[Logic55]

So i got the job!! There’s a bit more negotiation to be done but we are there and there is a new chapter waiting for me. It suddenly seems all very final. My parents are happy that i’ll be moving back cliser to them and it feels like a weight lifted off after the horrible stress of my current job.

The next hurdle for me. How to tell CG. I know all of my many reasons for this move including the fact that he isn’t going to change. He won’t want to listen. Any previous mention of my taking the job has just let to “well then lets just break up. There’s nothing left”
I just don’t know the best way to deal with this. I do really love him. I just don’t love him in his gambing costume.

He is really active at the minute. I can’t even ***** the number of times he went to the bookies at the weekend. Him feeding his loose change into a fruit machine in the chippy. So hard to be around.

The sad thing is that his little boy is aware of it now and hates it. I can’t protect him against that and how do i even go about talking to a 6 year old about it??

But i know he doesnt want to change what he is doing. For me. For his boy. For himself. And there’s nothing else i can do.

Lily I appreciate your words and I totally get everything you are saying. I hope you are having an awesome holiday and aren’t reading this until you are home.

[Logic55]

Hi Velvet, Vera.

Thanks again for your refreshing posts.

Thanks for the update about the group. I definitely got the time wrong last week.
The channel name at the bottom of the support group page says “Friends & Family Peer Support (V) Every week, on Thursday, from 21:00 to 22:00” so this might need updating if possible.

I’m definitely not happy to know that CG is an addict and just accept it. I guess i just dont know the best thing to do. I want to support him so I’m trying not to be negative about the situation but perhaps I just avoid the situation. I would estimate that probably about 90% of what I have expressed on here I wouldnt be able to say to CG. It took me 3 months to even tell him I had been and got support.

But I’ve sat and reflected a lot on this today and maybe that is because i’ve just been too weak to really tackle the issue head on. and although I am trying to understand and look after myself and my own wellbeing, I am still being weak and not making the decision I should be making. Honestly, I’m scared of the days, weeks, months, years of pain.

I dont think I’m ignorant to the addiction. but even I act like an addict towards him. He does something that I would tell my friends isnt acceptable. I tell myself it isnt acceptable. But then i calm down and maybe he will do something to remind me its good or i convince myself it will be better/different/something will change this time surely and I’m back again.

I feel like moving away and starting my new job is all part of my forward steps and getting myself back on track but ive become impatient. My friend asked me what was stopping me just handing in my notice and starting the process now but I want to do it the right way. Knowing I have secured my new job and where I am going. Going back to my parents jobless isnt what I want and neither is staying here in this tortuous job and annoying home.

With regards to CG, i see the vunerable, self-conscious side to him quite a lot when he lets himself show that side of him to me. I dont see him as the life and soul of the party at all but he is very very easy to love and to get people to take a shine to him.

I would think that CG believes that he is only worthy of the shitandgrief life and i dont think he could sit comfortably with empty over stressful.

I just want to be stronger than I am.

[Logic55]

Hi Vera,

Thanks so much for posting on my thread. It’s really good to have some perspective from the “other” side(!)

I have often said, perhaps tongue in cheek, I’m not sure, that CG is my addiction. And indeed, i related my feelings in relation to being co-dependent to being part of this.

It’s interesting that you using the word “escape” makes me look at this again in a whole new light. CG is totally my escape from the “real world”. I can go to that bubble where things arent real and get the release i am looking for.

I think I’m ready to cut the strings and take back control. That’s why it is a little frustrating that my potential new job opportunity is dragging its heels. I want to have all my ducks in a row and take back control of me and my feeling and my emotions. But maybe the job is my excuse to not pushing on…?

I also find the “my journal” forum so interesting and helpful to my understanding. You are all so supportive of each other and I admire that. I feel like the last 6 months have been a HUGE learning curve for me and everyday I learn more. Including today!

So thank you for making me think in a different way…again 🙂

[Logic55]

Hi Lily, hi velvet,

Firstly, the interview. I think things went really well. They really liked me and I think they will want to offer me something. I am a bit of a niche character in my field though, so think there may be logistics issues and if they can offer me the right role/salary. They dont seem to be in a big rush to make me an offer either, which is a bit annoying and leaves me a little in limbo.

Secondly, the rest of my weekend. It was awesome to see my parents and I went for lunch with them and it was brill. And i saw my best friends which was also great. They both know what is going on with CG and what’s been going on with me and have been a lot more supportive. Although one of them is very very vocal about disliking CG rather than supporting me.

So she had a go at me about CG, which came from a good place but was just an attack on CG rather than support for me. She obviously has he own views about addiction, I made it clear that I didnt want to talk about addiction but she pushed the point saying that I was bottling things up. So that escalated as she wasnt willing to listen and was coming out with things like “If CG CHOSE not to gamble anymore, Logic, he wouldnt be an addict.” So that was really frustrating and in the end i just had to stop talking and walk away from the situation.

Just feel like a voice drowning among the more shouty voices at the min. And that isnt me. I’m usually very headstong on my views and opinions but i’m just tired of being backed into corners and trying to fight my way out.

CG and I have had a difficult few weeks. As discussed above, with the chance that I may be moving away and i know there have been a lot of things that have happened recently where CG is pushing for a reaction from me. Unfortunately, he knows the right buttons to press with me, so sometimes I do react in a more volatile and confrontational way than I should.

Oh i completely agree that he is indulging it. His dad had had a couple of wins so his interest was peaked and he had a weekend by himself, ill and bored. Everyday his parents order the papers, everyday he comes home from work, first thing he does is grab the paper and straight to the racing section. Its habit. I’m under no illusion that there is nothing in him that actually wants to stop gambling, no matter how much he says he hates it.

I get that my post is concerning, it wasnt meant to be. I was just trying to be honest. When I’m away from him like now, it is so easy and clear in my mind that i need to step away.
1) in order to break the cycle
2) for CG to have any chance of actually making a change
3) and most importantly, for me. To save myself. To do the things that are right for me. To move myself forwards. To be happy.

But then I’m with CG and i just feel like, it could all just be so easy. It really could. And i know im wandering around in my rose tinted specs where nothing is going to change and I’m happy in the moment but not in the long term. I just cant imagine my life without him in it.

I dont know how else to describe it. When i’m with CG, its like im in a dream. Its what I want but its not real. and eventually I go back to my real life and i remember that there’s a lot of negatives around all of this and it is really pulling me down. I am letting the addiction pull me strings and i need to be putting more barriers in place to stop it.

Thanks for listening both. I realised this weekend how much i still need support . Can one of you please confim the time of the F&F group on Thurs. I usually struggle with Thursdays but the 21.00-22.00 time on the group page must be wrong as i was planning on being in the group last week but i think i missed it. x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Thanks for bringing up the cycle. I have seen it before but it is good to be reminded. Should have looked at that last week.

Its strange. When I am by myself I am very clear about what i need to do in my best interests and there is no doubt in my mind about what I need to be doing. But as soon as i’m with CG i doubt everything I am doing.

I know we both love each other and i know that whilst we are on the path we are currently on I can never have the things I want for me to be happy in life. I dont want to compromise my future happiness for instant happiness right now. but i know it’s going to be super tough to have that strength to walk away from someone I care about so deeply.

CG is ill. Good news: keeps him out of the pub. Bad news: he is low, tired, grumpy and bored with a nice wad of cash sitting in his bank account waiting to spend.

He looked at a race at Chester on Wednesday and commented that one of the horses was “an old favourite” that he liked to back. Soon he realised there were 2/3 of his favourites in that race. and by the time he had looked at the whole list he realised at one point or another he had backed considerable amounts on all of the runners.

we had another chat about how miserable gambling makes him. but there is no willing to change. its just lip service because he knows that its what I want to hear.

Anyway, today and tomorrow are about doing things for me. Just need to get through this morning and survive the long drive then its me me me!

Hope you’ve got a good weekend planned x

[Logic55]

Thanks, Lily. I’ll be sure to look over it.
Sounds like a nice chilled day for you!

Well that’s what he told me. £150. Reckons he was buying rounds. Said his brother did £300 just on horses the same day.

Yeah I’m trying. This weekend will definitely get my head straight.
x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

I think i was mostly annoyed that I let myself fall back into the trap. I know the signs I know what to look out for and I know what he is doing. And i let the gambling effects affect me again.

Boy your post came at the right time. CG was all excited to make plans for the weekend so i had to tell him i was at home for the weekend and for my interview. He brooded on it all night and basically gave me an ultimatum – him or the job. I pointed out that I was going for an interview and nothing has been set in stone yet. But without him there is no reason for me to be where I am at the minute and he doesnt want and cant work towards a future with me.

So today has been very much toys out of the pram. And you are right, its because I’ve upset the balance.

I love that lighthouse analogy! its so true. I spent such a long time either being the one who wanted to save him or not understanding why i wasnt enough to make him want to stop.Obviously, i know better now.

My CG always responds best to me being strong and thats what i need to keep doing. Maybe he will want to be better, maybe he will see me as moving away as being a step too far and go backwards.

The car. He has told me he wants my help with it all as I’m much more organised and I’m good with this kind of stuff. He wants me to have the money, but already the excuse is that his manager hasnt released the money so he wont get paid it today.

He was cooking last night and told his mum he had spent £150 in the pub last week. she asked why i wasnt doing more to take the money off him to stop him going to the pub. which is a bit unfair. i refuse to be the fun police to my CG. I’m not financially reliant on him. I dont need his money so if he wants that reigning in, that needs to come from him. I have no intention of telling him what to spend his money on.

I am being kind to me, Lily and Friday is giving me a focus.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Carmen,

I wish I had been able to write sooner and i hope that you are still reading.

I am in a relationship with a very very active CG and i relate a lot to what you have posted.

My CG is a dream 90% of the time. I’m currently sat with him where he has cooked me a delicious meal. He isn’t drinking and he isn’t betting and when he is like this i love him with all my heart. But it doesnt last. Weve just been through a week of absolute hell which is basically as a result of him being pissed off with the amount he has been betting.

I understand what you mean when you say he is placid and calm. But is that because no one has really tested his addiction so far? You’re smart, you’ve figured him out. Youvs made it hard for him to hide. But its yours and his dirty little secret. And that sounds harsh to say as you aren’t gambling and it is all him and you are trying to help him, but I know your instinct will also to be to try and protect him. So the gambling will become buried and that’s what the addiction loves…secrecy.

Access to money is very easy for your partner i assume. With my CG he knows his weekly salary to the penny and when the cash runs out and he realises how long he has got until payday, its a long hard slog and he is a different person. Sometimes super angry for no reason at all.

Velvet gave me some excellent advice when i first started posting. Gambling addiction is like a slavering beast in the corner. As long as you don’t provoke it, it won’t provoke you. But as soon as you start poking and trying to draw it out and get rid of it, mark my words it is ready to bite.

I do see the beast in some of what you posted. As soon as you talked about him being down the betting shop, he tried to turn it on you, you were the one snooping, you were the one checking up on him, you were the one in the wrong.

And this is the hardest part of hanging on to someone with addiction. The addiction will try to pull you down too so be wary.

I love my CG and would love a future with him but i am not his priority. Handing his money to bookmakers is. So for now, he can’t be mine. And i have to make smart choices for me. I have been posting her for 5 months and hearing words from The forum who all gave the same advice as I can see they are giving you.

I haven’t given up on my CG so I’m in no place to tell you to walk away from your partner. But if he is an addict as i suspect he is. He can’t do it for you, you can’t do it for him. Even though that’s all you want is to get rid of something so illogical. It can only be a change he wants to make.

All of the lables Vera spoke about, when i first started posting, i would never have thought i fell into any of the catagories. I read it today and could tick off every one on the list as being me at some point in our relationship.

Don’t give up. You are smart and switched on and a hell of a lot stronger than I am. Keep learning because the more you know about gambling addiction, the more you be a step ahead of it.

I probably wouldn’t recommend reading my posts as they are normally an outpouring of emotion when I’m angry or sad. But maybe the messages at the beginning when i was much more naive may be useful.

I hope you keep posting.
Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

My last post was slightly rushed, so apologies for the garbled mess.
I knew I should have posted and I was a bit annoyed with myself for not as I know it would help me. I was just consumed with what was going on.

This week is much better. I’m putting healthy distance back between me and the gambling. I have more time and a better mindset for my friends. I just feel better.

When i said “I know it isnt CG” I meant that I knew that the anger wasnt him, it was totally his addiction and I could see that so clearly on his face when I finally saw him on Sunday.

He wants to withdraw all of the money he has been saving through work to buy a car. This is again something I’ve heard many times before, he has enough saved for a car. He has asked me to be there on Wednesday when he gets paid to make sure I take the money away from him. I’m not even sure he has actually asked for it back yet so I dont know how to play it at all. The last thing I want is more arguments.

I agree he is moving slowly but i’m just not sure he will ever get to a point that he will actually want to deal with it head on. I think he would like to tackle it but its just way too big of a trauma for him to do. I’d love him to because underneath all of the other issues, he is the most incredible guy. He is just consumed by it all.

Yeah the weekend with my family will be nice.I dont get to see them anywhere near as much as i should. Guess that will change if the job interview goes well.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

I dont even know where to start with all of last week. It was a series of stupid petty arguments, which could have been solved straight away but escalated and grew and became something utterly ridiculous that I had to just walk away from it all. There was no rationalising, understanding or anything. He had seen red and was destructive and mean and it was just so tiring and draining on me.

I think things are better now and I talked about the help I’ve been getting and how good it has been to me. CG acknowledged that he could probably use some help too, but when i asked him where he wanted to start with it, he said he didnt and he would do it on his own.

I know that it isnt CG. I know his actions are a product of his addiction and his resulting self confidence but its so draining on me. I’m tired.

My friends will be mad that i havent walked away from him…again.

For me: I am going home at the weekend for my interview and i will see my family and my friends. Just feels like a long hard slog to Friday.

Thanks for the continued support, Lily. I wasnt being purposefully absent. I just think i understand more about what you mean when you say that there is no room inside a CG’s head for anyone else. I dont think i could have been there for anyone last week. My head was stuck in my relationship.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Thanks for thinking of me. Things aren’t good with CG at all at the minute. I can’t really see the light there anymore and its been a really tough week.

My interview is next friday so i will let you know. Trying to do my own thing but its not always easy to keep a clear head.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Velvet,

Hopefully you will see this as i have seen your post to Lily. I saw on your post to one of the other threads you talking about “listening ears”. I was just wondering if you had any tips about how to be a better listener as F&F of a CG. My CG is starting to open up a bit more about talking about gambling, which is great and i want to encourage that. But i catch myself asking questions which he could take to be quite judgy or saying nothing at all and, therefore, offering no support. I want to keep communication open but i feel like i am the one shutting it down when it starts. any tips would be appreciated!

Oh and Lily, I have been offered a second interview next month so we will see how that goes 🙂

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