[Logic55]

Hi Frankie,

Just checking in as you havent posted for a few days.

Hope you and Nate are doing well. Looking forward to your next update, when you are ready to come back to us. Keep posting, we are listening!

[Logic55]

Hi Lily :0

Thanks for your post. I am much better at receiving advice than giving it but i wanted you to know I was listening. I also want you to know that I have seen the other messages. I didnt want to comment as I would be pulling from memory and I did think that would help things at all.

For what its worth, you already know how much you have helped me with my recovery but I also have a lot of respect for your partner. I always thought he would have been great for my CG to talk to if he had wanted to get help but hey…

Hopefully i will be in the group to catch up tomorrow.

I havent managed to update for a little while as I’ve had some things going on at home (making me glad that i will be closer to my parents soon). My grandad had a bad fall and has been in hospital and it was my uncle’s funeral on Monday and work, as always, is a killer (less than 2 weeks to go!!).

As far as CG goes, we have been talking over text, not much more. He has been trying to be much nicer to me than he has been for a while but its all just lip service. A couple of weeks ago he sent me a screenshot saying he had won about a grand. It’s his 30th birthday this week. He said he was buying himself an expensive birthday present (which was what i planned to buy him for his 30th a few months after we met but its too big to have at his mums and obviously we havent made it that far). The present doesnt exist so that’s a nice chunk that has gone back to the bookies.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. I still havent cut the ties, it was another stress i didnt need at the min and as he is being fairly chilled at the minute, i’ve not rocked the boat and caused more drama. But i am a lot more detached from the gambling and i do not miss it.

I’ll try and do a proper response when my brain isnt so tired. I know this was a bit scatty.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Frankie.

You have done NOTHING wrong. Do not blame yourself for your partner’s actions. You have taken an incredibly brave step to do what is right for you and Nate.

Your partner is angry because of what he has done. Because of what gambling has done. Not because of what you have done. You were caring and loving and did everything right by him.

As far as i see it, what he is doing is manipulating you. He asked if he could come back, you had the control and didnt respond. Gambling loves to have the control so it tried to pull it back by telling you what you didnt want to hear…that he would leave and not come back.

If he has already come over to see his son do you really think that he wouldnt come back? Also, do you want him back in his current state, isnt that the whole reason you asked him to leave in the first place? Because you couldnt cope with the gambling anymore. Because it had exhausted you.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break from it all and doing what is right for you. You do not have an addiction. You love someone with an addiction.

Stay strong for you and for Nate and keep posting. We are listening.

Logic

p.s. I have done what you did. I have rang my CG over and over and over. I have done even more stupid ridiculous things for my CG than i care to think about. I recommend turning off your phone and do something positive with Nate and forget about gambling for a little while. It might not make you feel better but it will give you some moments when gambling doesnt take over your thoughts.

[Logic55]

Hi Frankie,

Just wanted to say how incredibly brave you have been over the last couple of days, I know damn well that it isnt easy to kick against gambling, especially with a child involved too.(be prepared for accusations that you are stopping him seeing his boy. Just remember, it isnt you, its gambling and you need to do what is best for your little boy).

You are taking control and gambling doesnt like that, so stay strong. Even though that’s easier said than done!!

I cant provide a longer reply at the minute but the Friends and Family group chat is tonight at 8pm.

There will be some “friendly faces” in that group who have already given you excellent replies and can offer you instant support. Velvet is the admin for the group and I know she will welcome you in with open arms.

You are doing better than you know and than you feel!

Logic

[Logic55]

Hi Lily,

Thanks for checking on me. I havent been doing very well at all really. Definitely taken a big backwards step and really need to put myself on the right track again.

After I cut gambling out, CG seemed to be be wanting to make a change. He talked a lot about sorting himself out and kicked gambling for a couple of weeks. Which was great. But abstinence isnt enough and he crashed again last week and went on a bender (blamed on me).

So yeah, its been a rough few weeks. I’m trying to protect myself and make time for me. This is helped by an old work colleague returning to the hell office for the summer. Its good to have her around again and i can talk to her easily about CG. but i could be doing more. Its just too hard to completely cut the tie at the minute…even though it shouldnt be.

I leave my job in 3 weeks. Move out the week after and start my new job the week after that. so its finally starting to feel real and close.

Thank you for thinking of me. i need to go back to my support and try again to make myself strong.

Im so annoyed with myself.

Logic x

[Logic55]

Velvet, thank you for you post. I have come a long way in the last six months and that is down to you and GT for helping me find my way.

Michelle, its good to hear from a new perspective and you are right, learning about addiction makes you stonger and able to deal with it.

I havent seen CG for almost 2 weeks now and my how the tables have turned! After CG threatening to block me off all forms of messaging/social media and then not following through on it, the message seems to be getting through. I am done with the gambling game.

He went on a 3 day drink/gambling bender and when he reaslised that i didnt care (obviously i do, but he cant see that) the behaviour started to change.

He is currently abstaining from drinking/gambling (so I am told) which isnt hard when you blow all your money in one go. Today is his payday so we will see how strong his actions are there. It is also his little boys birthday at the weekend. Which is what I am finding toughest to deal with. For that little boy, nothing has changed and I dont want him to think that I have just disappeared from his life or i dont care about his birthday. None of that is his fault. I have debated posting his present (which i bought weeks ago) to CG but i just feel like im inviting gambling back towards me. I have no interest in that, my only thought is for that little boy not to feel like i dont care.

Apart from that I’m strong. CG is being a lot more “present” than he has been in months. I think he knows that I am serious this time. I just have to remember it is his addiction seeking enablement, not him seeking me.

Its not easy, but i do not miss gambling and its effects one jot!

Logic

[Logic55]

Hi there,

sorry it has taken a couple of days to reply to you, I have been away with work and havent been able to get to the site.

Firstly, I want to say well done on taking the control to make sure that the main bills are paid and that you are not making concessions for that. That is a really big step in making sure you are not being majorly financially damaged on a monthly basis.

However, the free availability of the rest of his wage gives him free rein to spend happily on gambling, from what you say, until the money runs out.

Then it is left to you, to pay for his lifestyle for the rest of the month and I assume to also pay for anything unexpected that comes your way during that time (for example if there is something that your little boy needs, or the car breaks down etc).

Is there a way you could limit this more? For example hold him accountable for the money of yours that he has spent once his payday comes back around. or have a fixed sum from his wage to cover petrol and such things.

In my experience, it doesnt matter how much money is available, whether it is 50p or £500, all of it will go to gambling if it is available to a gambler.

My partner was paid weekly so the money would only run out for a couple of days and then the thrill would come straight back a few days later. For your partner, i assume for some of the months it is a long slog between when the money runs out and payday?

Unfortunately, a gambler is unlikely to want to make a change until they hit rock bottom and that wont happen when there is an easy access to funds.

The anger and the faux storming out is part of the addiction pushing your boundries. It wants to know where your breaking point is, what they have to do to make you cave in. and then it wont be so hard for them next time, they can just go straight to that breaking point. Which, for you, obviously is where you’ve snapped or your partner has said something that makes you change your behaviour. So it is when you are pushed to your weakest/lowest point.

My partner would storm out of my place over and over again (we didnt live together). The first few (many) times, i would go after him “just get in the car and come back” feeding the ego. And then one day it clicked…you stormed out with no money. You cant get home. This is your problem not mine. And surprise surprise back he came tail between his legs.

Its a horrible game of test your limits. The best advise i can give you is to be strong. The addiction needs you to thrive. You dont need it. It has and still is taking me a very long time to learn to be strong.

You are doing better than you feel. You are getting support now, which will help to make you stronger.

Logic

P.s. if some of my words are a little harsh i dont mean them to be. i’m used to receiving advice, not giving it!!

[Logic55]

Dear Clo,

Welcome to the forum, I wanted to send you a reply because your issues regarding gambling seem very similar to mine.

In your post, it appears that your partner is still very actively gambling, although you dont say this, the “extra” £10 for gambling online seems to suggest that gambling online is the norm for your partner?

You are already doing a lot of the right things in making sure that you have control of the finances and are paying the bills. How would your partner stop you from getting his pay packet? Are you reliant on him handing it over to you?

Gambling has the power to pull down everyone in its way. Including you and your partner. It shows no mercy. So I am not at all surprised that your mood is low.

If your partner is as active as it sounds, he will have little/no regard for your feelings or any support you might need, There is not enough space for that and for gambling too.

Regarding the help, you can exhaust your self looking for solutions (believe me I have tried) but unless your partner wants the help and wants to stop, you could offer all the help in the world and it would not be enough. This is tough for me to say but its only because I know the Cardiff area well, that Newport isn’t so far away that the support available isn’t accessible? To me, the Newport/Cardiff problem sounds like it could be an excuse and a way for him to get you off his back about therapy.

You are doing really well and I am glad you have found support here. Please keep posting. I look forward to hearing from you again.

[Logic55]

Red,

i have the best opportunity for a new start. new job, new location, new home, new mindset.

my biggest hindrance is myself! There is no better way to start afresh!

[Logic55]

Hi Vera,

I’m grateful you sent this post when you did. hope you have been enjoying the sunshine! Congratulations on your pin! That’s an awesome achievement and commitment to the cause. hope youre feeling chuffed!

I even printed your message off (hope you dont mind) and put it in my phone case to keep me on track – already looked at it 3 times to keep myself strong.

i went through a terrible break up a few years ago and now i dont even think about it. i know i will get back to that place where im not affected by my past relationship but i wish i could fast-forward through the painful bit.

Thank you for the CG-english translations. its hard to see the meaning behind what is going on, especially when the lies kick in too.

I’m trying hard to stay away from the traps, I’ve said what i need to say now. finally. it has taken me 6 months of GT and counselling and sorting myself out to even say the words gambling and addiction to CG in the same sentence. i always tiptoed around it. knowing what we both meant but not really saying it.

But its taken me that much time to even say that, i cant expect CG to just say “yeah okay now youve said that im done with this” but i have said my piece and i have to be strong and stick by it.

CG says he is going to do the hard work for me and block me from everything. Not managed it yet though so just another test for me.

we are entering new territory now. i normally would have fixed everything and patted him on the head for the bad behaviour. stupid enablement.

today is CG’s payday and normally im on edge because we have something planned and i know that will be jepordised by the bookies. it feels so nice not to worry!

trying to stay strong, my life is better without gambling in it!

logic x

[Logic55]

Hi Velvet,

I know why he posted the video. I sent him a message that he wasnt ready to reply to. That made him have to think about things but he wanted to contact me, and know I was there. Yeah its manipulation but i know him well enough in that situation to see what he is doing. I didnt reply to it.

I know the way CG plays this now, to my enablement/codependency. Leave it for a few days and hope that I cant stand the fact that we arent talking or making things better etc. and if i dont reply to that send some sort of “have a nice life. find someone that makes you happy” type message. expecting me to fix it. This is the first time I didnt do it.

And no, i dont know why i still let myself in for the name calling and the poor treatment. That is the unpredictable part and the part that can cut me up the most. It comes from nowhere. Sunday was the final straw for me on that. I wouldnt speak to my worst enemy the way that CG speaks to me at the minute. And that’s why i sent my text finally saying enough is enough. I dont want to play the game anymore. I want gambling out of my life.

He finally came back to me yesterday saying that he had treated me badly and he appreciated what he had asked me to do on the sunday and that he knew that it wasnt easy for me “but that’s the way it is” and that I was right and that we had no future.

I replied and said that something has to change and it cant continue the way that it is as we are two unhappy people making each other more unhappy and I dont want to do that anymore.

I spoke to him about how unhappy he is at home and bored and that gambling loves that because it makes him vunerable to it and it will make him think well its more fun to chase a thrill than sit around doing nothing.

But it is me that has to pick up the pieces. deal with the misplaced anger, the cancelled plans, the frustration and pain and guilt that builds up.

and that i want to walk away from all the problems that make him so unhappy and destroy them and leave it in the past so I can move forward. And i want that for him too.

but i understand that he isnt in a place where he can do that yet and he has to want it for himself.

he admitted that he is miserable and trapped and that there is no point me being stuck in that trap too and i should take the chance to go. he actually spoke about how bad his betting had been recently and, to me, that’s huge for him to even say that to me.

I told him he was trapping himself and that there’s support there if/when he needs it. he said that he will always be this way and will always be likely to bet.

So i guess that’s my answer. As far as he is concerned, nothing will change.

I wont really have plans to keep in touch with his sister. She is lovely and the only one that would ever be willing to talk to me about CG’s problems. But we dont talk enough for me to feel the need to keep in touch with her.

[Logic55]

Lily, Velvet,

Of course you lovely ladies are right as always. Good weather helps good mood so I’m feeling better about a lot of things.

I think I’m finally seeing the light. Friday was more lies, which i already knew were lies but they had to be sorted out.
Saturday we had a really lovely day just me and CG we talked about a lot of things but that included him talking about his bets. I don’t know why he wants to talk about them with me. Its like he is testing me.
Sunday was awful. I was treated terribly and more arguing. CG hasnt spoken to me since he stormed out of his house to go to work.

Yesterday.
I finally handed my notice in at work. My boss seemed to align it with me having personal issues and needing to leave to be closer to my family rather than thats just where I want to be. But whatever makes him happy. That is finally a weight off my mind even if they do want me to work beyond my notice period.

And then i messaged CG. I was very clear setting out why i was unhappy with the name calling and his action on the sunday and that it shows to me that he does not consider that he and I have a future together.

And neither do I whilst his addictions are winning. Gambling is a selfish addiction it takes everything and gives nothing back. It drains him and I see it in him. And now it is draining me.

That gambling had taken us down with it. And we were always so good together but the way it is at the minute we dont stand a chance. I hate that the house always wins.
And i told him that i miss him.

He carried on ignoring me and i still haven’t heard from him apart from him posting a video in a group chat we have with his sister, which was odd. He could have just sent it to his sister?

For the first time in a very long time i feel like me again. I’m in control of everything in my life for the first time in over a year and am cutting out the two biggest stresses in my life. My job and gambling.

Tiny steps forward are better than standing still right?
Logic x

[Logic55]

Velvet as always thanks for your kind words.

I had actually taken your advice before I had even read it. Last night I took myself out to the countryside, sat on a hill and watched the sunset. It was wonderful. Gave me a lot of time to reflect and clear my head.

My dad also sent me a lovely message to get me excited about my future again.

Obviously, i havent been taking care of myself enough again. so need to go back to basics and work on that. Its just exhausting after 10 hours of v stressful work and treading on eggshells with crazyboss to have the time/energy. I need to do that.

filling my week up next week with plans to keep me busy too. Royal ascot is a coming and i want to keep myself protected.

Thanks for the perspective and reminder to do what’s right for me! sorry for the sucky mood!

Logic x

[Logic55]

I’m my own worst enemy.

I cant make my escape for 5 weeks. My job is keeping me trapped here. The notice period feels like forever.

That’s not to do with CG but it is the reason for most of my unhappiness and stress and then you throw a relationship with a CG on top of it.

for the next 5 weeks im stuck in the mud not able to move on. whether it is with or without CG makes no difference. Its why i cant start my new.

5 weeks, one day at a time…

[Logic55]

I havent updated for a while or made it to “see” you all in the group.

Thanks for all the kind messages. Start date is still a long way off (more than 2 months) so its still same old, different day. My current job have no idea that I will be leaving so I’m going to put a real spanner in the works there, which will be hell.

Vera, I havent told “himself” yet. typically for me its all going to be very messy. Because my start date is such a long time off, its going to overlap with his 30th birthday. I decided not to tell him until i have a start date and i have handed in my notice. so i will have a very stressful week next week. I know i am going to be pretty low that week as i will be letting a lot of people down with my decision to move on (Not me, its right for me).

Sadly the games happened this week. lies that his mum had his money, lies that he had sent money to me (inc a screenshot of a payment to me that would never make it to my account). And it all became too much for him. time with his son and time with me were sacrificed to escape into his own world.

hard to see and hard to have to go through all of the lies and cover ups, still…again…
But just another confirmation that nothing is going to change. So moving forwards is the right choice for me.

I have tried my best. I tried again to speak to him as he has made a few references to having a stressful life, and also comments that its not easy for him to get to a bookies near me when he was visiting(so was actively looking). but he doesnt want to accept help. he doesnt want things to change.

I followed it up with messages of support, which were ignored. It makes me sad that no matter how hard I try, its not enough.

So yeah, a great future ahead, still not in touching distance yet.

[Author]

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