[Logic55]

Thanks Lily. Everything went well and are all done. I’ll be in the group on Tuesday. Looking forward to catching up with you then 🙂 x

[Logic55]

I’ve got exams all this week so am cramming in revision after work. Sorry i couldn’t pop in tonight but I’ll be around soon. Don’t think an hour will be nearly long enough!!

[Logic55]

As you said the twists and turns of life!

A very small part of the reason i stopped posting at the time was i saw that the GT app was on my partners phone. I have no idea if he has ever reached out to GT or whether it was just downloaded for my benefit and to shut me up but there were a lot of arguments back then that i was slagging him off to anyone that would listen (i wasnt but he was hiding from his addiction and lying to himself). And i thought well if there is a small chance he was showing up on GT how beneficial to him is finding a nice long list of every slip and ruined plan and heartbreak that i had suffered because he chose to gamble again. Sadly thats where the open posts can’t win. But i know i don’t need to tell you about them. But it does make it harder to wear your heart on your sleeve and write an honest post.

Luckily, that’s why GT have the forums! I know Velvet would welcome you in with open arms and I’m sure there are two a week now. But i keep messing up the times. And outside of the f+f groups, let me know if you want to be in a group chat. Would be so good to catch up with you again.

For you, your partner has been almost a year gamble free now? Which is an awesome achievement.

However, a long distance relationship is never easy. And although you were both doing the right thing and looking after you. I know between his job and the other commitments you both have, it leaves little time for you, the couple.

And that’s the hardest part. You end up doing the (seemingly) wrong thing for the right reasons. But thats still better than the gambling f&f world of doing the what you think is the right thing for the wrong reasons (enabling).

Look at how far youve come and keep looking after you. I know you will be fine but it doesnt stop it hurting.

Thinking of you
Logic x

[Logic55]

Lily!

How wonderful to see you posting and its great to read a positive update from you. I’m glad things are going well and you are working on things to make YOU happy.

I also haven’t posted for a while. In the beginning I was gamble free. More recently gambling came back into my life and that hurt in a way I’d almost forgotten was possible. . But that is a story for another day. I will properly update soon as i have just realised its been almost a year since i first posted on GT and what a year it has been! I couldn’t have done it without you, velevt, red, harry and all of the other help, advice, shoulders to cry on and reality checks the wonderful members of this website have given me.

You all made me strong at a point i thought i was lost and that will stay with me forever.

I wish you a wonderful Christmas and i hope i can catch up with you properly in the new year.

And the same to the rest of the GT community. Merry Christmas to you all

Logic x

[Logic55]

Thanks I-did-it! That’s good to know. 🙂
I should have stayed and talked

[Logic55]

ahhhh i got the time wrong!! I told Harry I would be in the chat and i missed it. sorry velvet (and whoever’s chat i accidentally crashed!)

[Logic55]

Well its done. I’m back at my parents with more stuff that can ever possibly fit in this room.

Last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. No matter how much online protection there was i wasnt prepare for him turning up at my house…with flowers…and small child (oh manipulation – couldn’t possibly have the guts to turn up by yourself in case of rejection) that was hard, it was very much going through the motions and i took my moments to spend my last time with that lovely little boy. I’ll miss him a lot.

CG left in a strop I’m not really sure why. I think he wanted me to stop him, i didn’t.

He has seen me posting on the F&F group and asked what i was doing. I didn’t want to talk about it in front of the little boy but told him about it the next day and how amazing the support is. He said he wanted to get involved in it but unfortunately it was on Friday night so no groups and none over the weekend and by Monday he had lost interest. But he did read some of what people had written on my journal and commented how good it was to hear people that thought the same was as him. Not enough to truely engage in the process.

Then for a few days i had my perfect bf from months ago back. Free from drink, free from gambling, free from stress and with money still in his back pocket the day before payday. It was really good to see him like that again and not just miserable and dragged down.

And then he went camping with his friends for the weekend. It was his bday present from them so back on the booze for the whole weekend and ended up in a casino (he has never been to a casino in the entire time I’ve known him, so why do that now). He assured me he didn’tbetthankyouverymuch and it was the only place to get a drink that late on.

But obviously two days of drinking and not much sleep have taken their toll and he is back to miseryland. No interest in helping me move, no interest in saying goodbye. Fine. At least i know what i meant now…

There’s no point in us talking anymore. He is 150miles away so that’s all nails in the coffin. Shame it ended that way. I don’t think he thinks thats the last he will see of me (he invited me to the beach later this week). And obviously I’m the bad guy. I quit my job and my home without consulting him (i did speak to him) and I’ve been too hastey and i will regret what I’ve done. It makes me question whether i was clear enough about why i needed to leave, but his behaviour the last few weeks makes me think he gets it, but at then end of the day a CG can’t blame themselves.

Time to live my life free from an addiction that isn’t mine x

[Logic55]

hey Frankie

been thinking about you a lot. Hope you have good plans for the weekend and have some nice plans away from gambling.

Logic

[Logic55]

CG’s “phone has stopped working” so he has a new number. I don’t have it. His old number isn’t working.

I have my burner phone ready for tomorrow night.
Gone from social media
Plans for Saturday sorted with housemate who doesnt know about the CGing. Sunday is still free at the minute but less of an issue as he can’t get to me and i don’t want to go to him. I need to do some work on Sunday anyway.

Monday and Tuesady in work.

One of Wed or Thurs i will be with my friend. The other day is for packing.

Friday seeing old work colleagues in Birmingham

Saturday black spot but i’ll fill it – CG is away camping anyway

Sunday parents coming to help me move

Monday moving day.

I think that’s everything

[Logic55]

Hi Velvet.

Point understood. my ref was in reply to Lily that violence was not a result of CGing.

Im not making any excuses for physical abuse. There is no excuse. He knows it was wrong and crossed all sorts of lines.

Logic

[Logic55]

I’ll be there tomorrow.

Need to toughen up for my own sake. too nice for my own good!

I actually did a 7 mile walk around cheddar gorge yesterday. no chance of walking today chained to my desk though!

“see” you tomorrow

Logic x

[Logic55]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

I just feel like my clutching at straws has made everything worse. i feel so vulnerable and low. I’ve got so much to do at work and im getting none of it done. just moping.

Lily, you are totally right. I can leave knowing i am 100% doing the right thing. Seeing his little boy’s awareness was awful. i can only imagine how confusing it was for him once i left.

Need to cut my losses or go down with the sinking ship – i like that a lot.

Dont worry – bruised ego more than anything. the physical stuff came from too much drink, it wasnt gambling related. it was enough for a short, sharp shock to the system. i agree there is nothing i have ever done to provoke a physical reaction. but i wasnt seriously hurt.

[Logic55]

Dear Velvet,

Thanks for the prompt response – desperately needed.

I think i have made enough mistakes now. its too draining, i dont want it. it’s just really hard to let him go. so much has happened.

but i know i just need to get through the next two weeks and i will feel sooooo much better but this is everything i have known for a long time.

I spent a long time talking to Harry (thanks Harry – plan to follow) and starting to slowly remove CG from my life.

Today has been a write off. emotions are all over the place.

i dont feel proud of myself i dont feel like im moving in the right direction. hopefully, i will again soon.

it just been a tough few days.

[Logic55]

I’m not sure how much i want to post here today. Maybe I will save some things to discuss in the forum tomorrow…

Friday i had messages from CG that he was really low. blown all of his salary, gambled up to £2000 and lost it all. I spoke to him on the phone (he was drunk and he kept telling me he was going to drink himself to death and then hung up). he didnt and he was fine aside from feeling sorry for himself. he self excluded on all of his online apps.

CG turned 30 on Sunday. I went and saw him and it was actually a really nice day. I could tell he was really stressed though. He had blown all of his money. His sister kept pressuring him to go out, after all it was his 30th, and he really didnt want to. in the end he did and he was very drunk and rounding up the various members of family was like hearding drunk sheep!

The next day was very rough for everyone including myself and in hindsight i should have just left but i had said i would stay to look after his little boy on Tuesday. I chose to sleep off my hangover, CG chose hair of the dog.

I’d also found out he had been at his ex’s in the week (as i knew was starting to happen) and he had lied about it. i spoke to him about it not realising how much he had drank, because i had been outside playing football with his son.

So he started having a go at me about it. told me to leave. i didnt as his son was upset that i wasnt going to be there. We argued and he was physical before actually throwing me out of the house.

I’m so angry with myself as I am typing this. that i let myself be in that position. that i shouldnt have gone to see him at all, or i should have walked away sooner.

but now, i know that door is closed. i never need to look back. and if i have any respect for myself i never ever will do. I am done with gambling. I am done with him. The next two weeks cannot pass by quickly enough.

I’m really disappointed with myself. I’ve let myself down and i’ve come so far to then let myself fall like this. i feel weaker than i have in a long time, when i should be at my strongest. I didnt listen to the wonderful advice i have been given and ive taken an enormous step back.

Huh, turns out i posted it all after all.

[Logic55]

Hi Frankie,

No judgement here. I am really happy that you have come back to post, in what seem to be really difficult circumstances for you.

i’m not in any place to judge anyone. After weeks and months of getting myself into a better place, i let myself down and put myself in a dangerous position that I should never have allowed to happen. But this isnt my story here.

Ultimately, my CG cant stop and doesnt want to stop what he is doing – even though he knows it makes him miserable, suicidal, guilty, angry and a whole other range of emotions that i probably cannot even fathom.

All of the vile things that he has ever done to me, have always been “my fault” and have ended up with me apologising to him, when i have had nothing to apologise for. You are not the first person to have done this and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If your partner isnt saying he wants to stop then he wont stop. Simple as that. My CG is currently self excluded from all of his online accounts. That hasnt stopped him betting in dollars on some foreign website over the weekend. If your partner wants to gamble, he will find a way to do it.

Lies come with the territory, i’m afraid. And in his head why would that extra money has has go to you and his mum to pay off his debts, when he will just take it back anyway.

As Kathryn rightly said, there is no logic to the way that CGs think and as the gambling cloud consumes you too, your logical thinking goes out of the window.

You are acting illogically. You know what you should be doing that is best for you and you arent doing it. Because of the pressures of gambling and because you love your partner. I completely understand it.

The cycle wont stop until you stop it. and once the cycle is broken you can look after you. It is then up to him whether he stops gambling or not. You cant do it for him, no matter how much you desperately want to.

The question is, how much of this you are willing to take, knowing that things arent going to change, until something drastic changes.

Like Kathryn said, arm yourself with information. keep getting help for yourself and things will start to become clearer.

I see a lot of me in what you say. You are not alone. Stay strong Frankie.

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