[lizbeth4]

Find 1 thing everyday that you are grateful for! Anything! It can be a cup of coffee, good weather, your pet, the scenery around nd you. It helps me get through the dark days.

[lizbeth4]

Hi. Welcome to GT. Your description of your life is very similar to mine. Non supportive, narsiccistic Mother. Use this site. I get a lot of support here. There are chat suppirt groups you can jpin. I’ve gone to GA and counseling, which helped. But I get complacent and start gaming again. It’s a very exhausting and tiring addiction. No matter what we win, we always lose that and more! I get the loneliness as I’ve felt that way forever. I guess the answer for us is that we have to love ourselves enough to have a gamble free life! It can be done as others here have done it. Don’t give up.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Nick for your wise words! I really needed to hear them today. Truthfully, last night I thought about calling the suicide hotline. I came very close to taking a lot of pills to end my pain. Of course I didn’t as I’m still here. I haven’t been going to meetings and counseling as it’s a 4 hour trip and I’m working now. I’m searching for GA MEETINGS in the surrounding areas near me. Something closer to home. My visit with my Sister was good. I am envious of her but happy for Her. Her boyfriend of 8 years is a,millionaire and she lives on a 40 acre ranch. She works part time because she wants to. She has anything she wants. My Mom had the nerve to say to me that i should find a rich man too in front of my Sister. How embarrassing and humiliating. I ignored her but her words burn deep. I sat here today wondering how I’m going to pay creditors. I’m sick of making excuses and lying. I’m ready to surrender and let the chips fall where they may. Face the consequences. The fight to stay afloat is over for me. $500 might as well be $5000. I am vegging till work. My boss called this morning with 2 extra things for me to clean at the bank tonight. I had a surprise inspection on Friday night after I cleaned and received a high score. This job is one thing I seem to do right. URRRRR.

[lizbeth4]

Can’t sleep but don’t want to take a antidepressant as it’s too late. My Sister is here. After work, we had pizza and played games. I don’t have Monday off as 1 of the banks are opened for Columbus day and Tuesday i will have both banks instead of 1. Very confusing. My wages for the month were gambled away during my last gambling relapse. Im not feeling any better mentally. I’m just hanging in there! I know I have much to be grateful for and I am! I don’t what to sound ungrateful. I just need to get my head on straight and move forward.

[lizbeth4]

I’m sure you needed the rest as you have long work days with the traveling back and forth. OMG! Your bag was smouldering!!! LOL! Hope your weekend is great. Off to do my Saturday cleaning. Congrats on your 14 months GF! Way to go! There’s hope for me!

[lizbeth4]

I’m getting ready for work. My Sister will be here tomorrow afternoon. I have to work tomorrow but then have 2 days off because of Columbus day. Today I was literally on my knees praying. The rest of my life doesn’t have to be crappy! I need to change my way of thinking about myself. I do have worth and I mean something to my Daughters and Grandkids and friends who love me regardless of my flaws. Gambling can’t be a part of me. Never!!!  I thought about not waking up this morning.  To end the pain but the pain I would cause my children and Grandkids would haunt me.  I couldn’t do it   I’m not suicidal, just tired.  Living is real hard sometimes.  I guess I need to find the joys!

[lizbeth4]

It’s good to have support here!

[lizbeth4]

I needed to get that out! As ugly as it is. I’m not blaming my gambling on anyone. I have control over my choices. I’m just saying that your childhood does shape you. It takes awhile to unlearn the bad stuff.

[lizbeth4]

I can’t express myself and be who I am. My opinions and views aren’t valued. My Mother was never supportive like a parent. I had to ask a cousin for help when I startedl my period and asked her all the questions I had. I made sure I was there for my little Sister. When I was molested by a family member when I was 12 years old, I told my Mother and she told me to be quiet. To this day she denies ever knowing that I was molested. My Sister knows because she was there when I told,my Mother. I went to great lengths as a child to make sure my little Sister was never alone with the molester. Last year when I started having flash backs of my molestation and horrible nightmares, my Sister was the one who calmed me and validated my feelings. She thanked me for all of the protection that I gave her growing up, not just from the molester but also from alcoholic, mean, stepfathers. My Mother thinks this is normal and that we had a great childhood. My brother is a heroin addict and has no contact with the family. My Sister had a drinking problem but got help. She’s been married repeatedly and prefers men who are 18-20 years older than herself. A father figure. Then there’s me, a CG who can’t get herself together. A frightened, hurt little girl who just wanted love and reassurance as a child. Maybe that’s why I’m so sensitive. I know it’s a long process and journey in recovery. I do believe in a higher power. I wouldn t be here if I didn’t.

[lizbeth4]

I have very little coping skills!! When things don’t go perfectly in my life, I gamble. When I don’t feel validated, I gamble. That’s why I gamble. It could well be drinking, drugs, ect. But I chose gambling! Feeling validated is a big one for me! I had a crappy childhood whete I had to stuff my real feelings as I would be belittled and demeaned for having emotions. I was often told how weak I was as a little girl. I’ve never gotten over that and still twinge when my Mother continues to repeat the behaviors. It makes me very unhappy and the hurt and abandonment feelings resurface. I’m going to counseling to deal with these issues. It takes a lot to relearn and know and trust yourself and to believe that you have value.

[lizbeth4]

I don’t know why I keep punishing myself. I’m just saying I do have options. But nothing will help my situation until I stop gambling. I figured it out. I’m $500 behind in bills. I’ll have to pay some and let others go. I’m still feeling ill from the cold but managed to go to both banks and did the periodical vault vacuuming. That’s 1 1/2 hours extra pay. I have the larger bank to clean tonight. I made 2 pairs of earrings. I must say, they turned out nice. It took my mind off of things. Monica, I have given everything over to my higher power. I believe that with her,mercy, I will be able to stay gamble free!! I have paid off 1 high interest loan. That’s a extra $150 Starting next month. I don’t know why I keep self sabotaging myself. It has to stop!!

[lizbeth4]

Fighting a cold but I made it through the job tonight. I’ve put myself in a precarious position. A lot of thoughts are running through my head. If I keep gambling I will lose everything. Why can’t I stop? Should I file bankruptcy? Should I sell the home I live in, pay off all my creditors and start over? I could downsize. There’s a answer there. I just need to find the answer that will work for me. Nothing will work until i can stop gambling. Whatever happens, I will be okay. I feel distant and unconnected to everyone and everything. My only confidants are here on GT. I’ve cut the antidepressant in half and I’m still zonked out. I’m on the lowest dose. At least Im sleeping. Tomorrow, I’m going to both banks during business hours to vacuum the vaults. One is done monthly and one is done quarterly. I get paid extra for this. I’m looking for a day part time job. Maybe if I’m so busy, I won’t think about gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I made it through work. I’m definitely getting sick with a cold. I cut the antidepressant in half. My DR has recommended that if it was too strong for me. How long can I lie to creditors? Every time I relapsed, I lie to get more time to pay. At some point they are going to get fed up. I’m fed up with me!!!! While I was vacuuming tonight, I thought of a boss I’d had. He was very understanding with me. My youngest was doing drugs, running away from home, ect… Some nights I would be up all night, chasing her down, staking out drug houses that she frequented, putting her in rehabs. Doing the cycle over and over. If it wasn’t for him and his insight I would have lost my job. Years later I heard he had lost his job because of his drinking. He’d gone through the programs at work but had continued to drink. I think of him often as looking back he knew what my Daughter was going through, addiction. He was living it. I’m a gambling addict. What would people think of me if they knew? Would they be kind and understanding or treat me like someone less than them. I’m not giving in. I’m still fighting.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn, Have a great trip. You deserve it!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve gambled!!! I’m around $500 in the hole. I’m just sick today. Nor just from the gambling. I have a sore throat and the antipressant knocked me out. I was comatose for 12 hours. I’m going to cut them in half. I don’t know why I gambled. I need to figure it out. I went to a new venue. Quite the drive. I feel like crap today but I’m going to work in a couple of hours. Day 1.

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