[lizbeth4]

I reread my last post and I became very sad! Looking back, my relationship with her has always been difficult and strained. Maybe I was thinking as we both grew older things would change but what I’ve learned is that you can’t change anyone. So, although I love her, I choose to give my love and time to the ones who love me, my children and Grandchildren and friends. Now, I have to heal the deep wounds and put up the barriers to keep from gett ing hurt. I know that I definitely don’t what to GAMBLE again. I have a lot to live for. A lot of adventures ahead of me!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Still doing yard work. Actually, I like it, it’s good exercise and keeps me busy. Spent some time with my Mom today. I leave now when she starts her meanness. It usually doesn’t take long. LOL. I have to find humor in this as it in reality is very sad. I am a good Daughter. I spent a lot of time with her the first few years after I moved here. She complained about everything and was never happy. I couldn’t do anything right. One day I woke up and decided that I couldn’t listen to her everyday. So I had to limit my time with her. Sad but true. She is a big trigger for me. I realize it and can remove myself without guilt. See, I’m making progress. Slowly but surely!

[lizbeth4]

I’m waiting for it to warm up a bit before tackling the rose bushes. Kin, my Daughters and Grandchildren are my loves. I was thinking this morning of what I don’t have. How broke I am till payday on the 21st! Why does my mind think like that? I have so much: people who love me, a roof over my head, food to eat, many things others don’t have. It’s about being grateful and living in the moment. No, I may not have  everything I want but I have everything I need. I need to stop comparing my life to others. I’m looking from the outside. I have no idea what anyone’s life is really like. I’m no better or worse than anyone else. Appreciate your life and journey. There is only one you.

[lizbeth4]

I took my Granddaughter home today. She was glad to see Mommy. I foresee many adventures ahead for her and I. My Daughter had to quit the construction job as their schedule keeps changing and they want her to work 12 hour days. She’s looking for employment again. She worries me. Mother intuition. But I have to step back and let her do it her way. Yes Monica, let’s do this! I’m going to journal my trip and take a lot of pics for a album. Most of my friends and family think I’m crazy for traveling alone. But I’m not going to keep being alone stop me from pursuing my dreams. I know how to be careful. I’m excited and have goals to achieve. First freeze last night. Time to cut back 13 rose bushes and shrubs and vines. Busy, busy!!! No gambling thoughts! Going to work in 1 hour. Still thinking about another part time job. My whole trip will be paid for before I go. No credit!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve decided that 2020 will be the year for my big cross country road trip! I am aiming for a 3 month adventure. Although I have a few day to 2 day trips planned next year. This is my goal. The rv may be out of the picture because of costs, so it may be by car and economy motels but I will do it! I’ve checked out some books from the library and I’m starting to plot my trip. Exciting! This gives me until June of 2019 to get some financial issues resolved and maybe another temporary part time job.

[lizbeth4]

Im able to post as my Granddaughter is sleeping. No park or outdoors for us as it is extremely cold and windy. She is used to warmer weather. Monica, I value what you’ve said on my thread as I do others here. I think that every time I’ve relapsed, I have learned a valuable lesson. The hard way! My family is one of my triggers, but I’ve come a long way with that obstacle. I’m still learning. Right know I’m in a tough spot, financially, which brings on thoughts of a BIG WIN! But I know that I can work through this if I persevere and don’t gamble. I have a few triggers and issues. I need to keep working on all of these. I have been digging deep as painful as it is. I know the reasons that I gamble. I need to resolve these issues and get unstuck. I don’t want to be miserable and gambling anymore. When I read others threads, I may not respond but I take from them the things that relate to my situation and advice that others have given. It’s all a learning process. I’m not giving up!

[lizbeth4]

I really appreciate your support and I follow your thread also. You have said many things that have pertained to my life. Keep posting your thoughts. I’m learning to appreciate the small things. Sometimes they only come around once.

[lizbeth4]

Busy day. Went to the city to get my Granddaughter! A lot of driving. We went to my Mom’s, Great Grandmother, to visit. My Granddaughter insists on calling me Nana and my Mom Grandma. We played all day. She’s sleeping now. She had 2 tumbles today and has a mark on her nose and a bump on the back of her head. She runs full force and doesn’t quit yet realize to watch were She s going. She’s quite a handful but a lot of fun. Her vocabulary keeps growing and she talks all the time. She’s only asked for Mommy twice. K, I do meditate. I play soothing music also at bedtime. I’m not taking the prescribed sleep medicine as I wake up with a all day foggy feeling, even when I take only 1/4 pill. My Sister di dnt come for a visit. Her boyfriend who is 18 years her senior is having health issues. I had decided to keep my distance from my Mom and her if she came and just let them do their thing. K, little things make me happy. My house was full of blueberry muffin smell after my oven was fix. And they were delicious! Going to sleep. Tired.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been very industrious Today! I went to the library, washed the car, raked up leaves in the front and side yards. I have a enchilada, black bean and cheese casserole in the oven. My own creation. No gambling thoughts Today! Have work this evening, one bank, the large one. Going to thoroughly clean the break/kitchen area. Things are going well.

[lizbeth4]

While vacuuming at work tonight, gambling thoughts came into my head. I thought of my precious Granddaughter. After tomorrow, we will have 2 1/2 days together. She might need something and I would be broke. I also thought of my Grandson. We talked a few days ago and have made plans for me to come and spend 2 days after the holidays. We are going to have pizza and go to the movies. We are movie buddies from back when he was 3 years old. LOL! My thoughts shifted and the urges stopped. Home now in my warm PJs. Going to watch a movie.

[lizbeth4]

The oven repairman fixed the oven but had to order a new burner and clock. He will be back on the 20th. At least it is covered by my home warranty. I already baked some blueberry muffins and brought some to my Mom and her neighbor. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want a “normal” life, gambling can never be a part of it!! It will always be a disastrous situation for me. Playing bingo, scratch and lottery tickets are also off bounds. They just trigger my desire to gamble. I will never have control over my addiction. I will learn to live with it by using barriers, support and my higher power!!!

[lizbeth4]

Hi lovetherush. Welcome to GT. We are always chasing the win. We can’t stop when we win. Can you put barriers up to make it harder to gamble? Would you consider going to GA or counseling? There is no easy fix. Keep posting. There are groups here you can participate in. Keep a open mind and listen to the advice others will share here. Stay strong!

[lizbeth4]

Thought about my debts. Some were due to gambling, living beyond my means and trying to please others. I’ve read Dave Ramsey books and agree with a lot that he says about finances. My debt consolidation company offers online classes (free). I’m thinking of participating. Anything to grow,and learn. Going to bed soon. Oven repair guy will be here in the morning.

[lizbeth4]

I ran errands, did some grocery shopping and cleaned my house. It’s been cold and windy. I don’t want to go to work but will. I thought today of getting another loan to pay some bills but I already have 3 small loans with high interest rates. I’m in too deep. So, I made the logical conclusion that it would be a stupid decision. A quick fix with long term consequences! The right conclusion is to not gamble, buy basics, and save every penny. I keep sabotaging my progress. Today, I am done with that behavior. It’s time to step up and do the right things!

[lizbeth4]

I woke early as my brain won’t shut off. Worried about some debt I can’t pa y. I never seem to have enough money to go around, gambling or not! Very stressful and frustrating. This month, I blew it gambling. Next month, I need to save every penny. Vicious cycle when you have maxed out credit cards to gamble and to pay bills because of gambling. These creditors wouldn’t join my debt consolidation. Fear of court judgments are real. Then they will try to negotiate with me. Waiting for it to happen. A judgement could mean the lose of my job. So stressful and frustrating. So, I live for today and do my best.

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