[lizbeth4]

Thanks Jen for you post! Last night, I just climbed inti my comfy bed, pulled the covers over my head. Restless night. I feel drained and defeated! How am I going to fix my car? My job? My Daughter? Sometimes I feel like I’m only surviving. That’s not a way to live. I’m so sad and disillusioned right now. I’m truly scared. If this is how life is, why even try anymore?

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your post. The only people who understand the struggle are the people here. Sometimes when I feel so alone within this addiction, just hearing positive, reassuring words mean everything to me. I must keep the faith even when everything keeps going wrong and remember and be grateful for what I have. Your vacation sounds lovely. Enjoy it. Thanks again.

[lizbeth4]

All of your pisitive posts are appreciated! Tonight I am in a dark place. It started with more car issues and not getting the right supplies to do my job adequately and ended talking to my youngest and realizing that she’s not even trying to make progress. Everything feels like it’s falling in on me. It’s the accumulation of a lot of feelings hitting me at once. I feel inadequate, hopeless and helpless. I feel like I can’t get a break. I want to gamble but have no money. I’m scared as I get paid in 2 days and all of the money is slotted for bills. In fact, the next 2 months, I have my current property taxes due and house insurance. I have no wiggle room or money for emergencies. I CAN’T gamble!!!
I really tore myself apart today and came to some raw realizations. I can survive on my own. But who wants to be alone? I can’t even pursue a relationship because of this addiction. I don’t trust enough to confine to a potential mate. I don’t have enough control of myself not to fail again. Who’s going to put up with me and this addiction? Sad but true.
I’m in this financial mess because of my poor excuses and addiction. Sometimes I can’t forgive myself. Worry is aging me and taking the life out of me. I’ve prayed to my higher power but she isn’t listening. What did I do that was so bad that I feel like I’m being punished over and over. If this is a life test, I’m ready for it to be over.

[lizbeth4]

So, it’s almost time for new tires. No money, no credit and I refuse to take out a high interest loan. All due to past GAMBLING! I can’t bring myself to take out a second on my house which would help me tremendously. I don’t need another loan to repay and I don’t trust myself to screw up and lose my home! Going to ride out the tires as long as possible! The couple that I am house/dog sitting for the entire month of May, referred me to someone else. I need to contact her soon. Maybe a new gig. I have little money left this month but I have everything I need. Next week I’m cleaning out drawers and closets again. Maybe make some money and the rest I will donate. I have to keep plugging away.

[lizbeth4]

Feeling better today. No gambling thoughts or urges! I informed my Boss about the work the bank wants me to do. He said that he would inform them that they need to place a work order through him. He reinforced that I was doing a good job and there wasn’t any complaints. So I’m glad that I bit my tongue and didn’t go off on the bank teller although she was condescending to me. Tomorrow, I’m going to some thrift and consignment shops in town. Don’t plan on buying anything just looking. Just need to get out and about!

[lizbeth4]

That is incredibly awesome that you booked a trip! Adventure time! Hope you feel better soon!

[lizbeth4]

Welcome! Keep posting and reading others threads! If you don’t treat the addiction, you will stay in the same rut! 6 years ago, I was debt free, money in the bank. Now I am in credit card debt and pay a hefty amount monthly to a debt consolidation company. I don’t know if you are opened to GA? You need support. It’s good that you’ve talked to your Dad. Try to put barriers in place, limit cash on hand, and gind a support group. We can turn this around. Recovery is hard but you are worth it!

[lizbeth4]

While I was at work, I had major gambling urges! I really thought about traveling to the casino. But the roads are icy, its cold, bad road to travel late at night. But the main reason that I didn’t gamble was that I would hate myself tomorrow. All of my bills will be paid this month as I get paid. My large delinquent tax bill was paid. Now I’m working on my current one. I don’t have a lot of extra money but I have everything I need. I can’t gamble and mess things up. My goals are a priority!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been a people pleaser since childhood. It’s a hard trait to overcome. I made great strides last year saying NO! Many family members didn’t like it! Remember that your happiness and well being should be the #1 priority! Then everything else falls into place. Take care. You’ve got this!

[lizbeth4]

Today, I vacuumed the vaults at both banks. One is monthly and one is quarterly. The teller at the smaller bank was cranky and pointed out something that I haven’t been doing. It isn’t in the realm of my daily cleaning. They have to put work orders in for it. She can’t understand that I am only in the bank for 1 hour per cleaning. I referred her to my boss. I think there is friction within the employees there as she always refers to her boss negatively. Anyways, she caused a lot of stress and anxiety. I didn’t gamble! I did errands and laundry. I think she needs a attitude adjustment! Ha ha!

[lizbeth4]

After all the worry, my account wasn’t overdrafed. The item I was worried about is clearing today! I had gambling urges last night after work. That’s the natute of this addiction. Urges come from no where, tempting us! As it was very cold outside, I envisioned myself in my warmest PJs, watching a movie, eating snacks. And that is what I did!!!! I was able to detour the evil, gambling demon.

[lizbeth4]

Kin, You’re almost there! Focus on that! Yes, in 1 1/2 years, a lot of my debt will be paid off: Car, loans, credit cards, ect…. I’m so happy! Today, my Mom and I went grocery shopping and to the local department store. I bought some beads for my jewelry projects.. It felt good to be able to. No gambling thoughts! Tired but have work tonight!

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry that you gambled! Don’t give up! You can do this. I give it over to my higher power and I do ask for forgiveness and for protection from this addiction. It helps my mindset. Don’t get caught up in the cycle!!! Think of your happiness. It’s worth everything. Everything will fall into place when the gambling ends and better job opportunities will come your way. Believe!!

[lizbeth4]

Today has started out great! I had a raise in my pension. I’ve paid bills online. I have only 16 months left on my debt consolidation (credit cards). I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m feeling optimistic and motivatef. Doing some grocery shopping. Keeping to my budget. Feeling blessed! I will keep working my recovery and not become complacent. That’s when I usually relapse. 2019 is goinv to be a good year!

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. I’ve felt the same way before. You’re not alone! I care. This addiction has devastating effects on us. Please keep the faith. Are there any more barriers you can put into place? Can you go to a Celebrate Recovery meeting? No one around us can truly understand what we are going through. But you have us, here on GT. We know what you are going through. Give things over to your higher power. You’re not alone!!! Keep your eye on the future and being GF! Sending hugs))))))))) Thinking of you.

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