[lizbeth4]

I just read a great quote. “Happiness starts with you. Not your relationships, your job, your money, your circumstances. ” Love this and need to remember it!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I thought about gambling while at work. Instead I hit the grocery store and bought snacks for movie watching. I’m banned ftom the casino right down the street so it would havw been a drive and we are expecting snow tonight. I will have to plan and make the trip and ban myself. I’ve never been good with money or credit cards. This isn’t my first DMP. I always manage to screw up my credit score and have to start over again. Not this time! I have money but it’s tied up in real estate and I’m not jeopardizing it with loans, ect…. I’d rather work my job and do the house/pet sitting gig. I think I appreciate the value of money more when I have to work hard for it. I’ve also decided that I’m not giving money to either Daughter anymore unless it’s a real emergency as I’m not really helping them.  They are both capable of earning their way.  

[lizbeth4]

I’m still not feeling well. Some kind of stomach bug! Going to rest for a bit and go to work. Again my boss isn’t answering my texts. So, I’m making the decisions that I deem the best. I do have a supply list/order to put in next week, which he will have to deal with. No gambling thoughts today. Vera, I’ve thought many times of taking out another loan to pay off debts. But stopped myself as I have several high interest loans right now that are taking a big bite of my income. I dont need anymore debt. I have given my acquaintance a wide birth as she seems to suck the life out of me. Yep, my Sister keeps asking me to join her in trips when she knows I don’t have the money. Mean, right? She’s coming for a visit soon and I’m not looking forward to it. My Mom and her will probably spend much of the time in the casino. My goal is to keep clearing debt so I can start saving for the BIG TRIP!

[lizbeth4]

I can see how my post was construed as me being angry. I’m overwhelmed, super frustrated and just tired! My Sister would be the last person that I would ask for help from. She makes fun of my cleaning job which I’ve mentioned on my thread before. Her telling me about her finances was a way to lecture me. I loaned her $5000, 6 years ago while her and the boyfriend were split up. The tenants in her rental house had trashed the place. She had things fixed, sold the place and paid mw back. I never expected anything but the money back. She’s already told me that she can’t help me. I guess she thought I was going to ask. I was just venting in my post. Obviously, I haven’t given up as I went to work tonight. I’m a fighter!!! I’ll keep trying as long as I live!  But sometimes I wonder were my higher power is!

[lizbeth4]

Still not feeling well. I’m going to take a shower as that always makes me feel better. Jen, I hear what you are saying. I am grateful for what I have! Things are more complicated. I’m not angry with my circumstances. I’m tired of the struggle! I’m tired of the one sided relationships. It gets old! And I am alone with my problems. That’s the way it is. Either I will figure things out or throw in the towel.

[lizbeth4]

The only reason that I don’t end it all is because of my Grandson. I saw what my Husband’s death did to him. My Granddaughter is too young to miss me. Both of my Daughters are selfish adults with their hands out. They were not raised like that. Yes, I’m feeling low but I’m facing the raw truth! I am.alone. Where’s God when I need him?

[lizbeth4]

Jen, thanks for your reply. I would never ask my Sister for help as she talks to me in a condescending way! As stated in my above post. I am alone and heading either for another heart attack or a breakdown. That’s the way it is. I have to provide for myself. No one else to rely on. I’m tired. Is this worth the fight???

[lizbeth4]

I’m so mad at myself. When I had money (from Husbands life insurance policy), I blew it! Not on just gambling. I wanted to please others also. I helped family members, took them on trips, bought things for them. I know thats in the past but I can’t talk to any of them about my worries. In fact, the last time my Sister was here, out of the blue she told me that she pays off her credit cards every month and has never been late on a car payment, ect. Well, she doesn’t have any living expenses.  Her rich boyfriend takes care of everything   Which lead me to believe that she and Mom were talking about me. Why would I confide to them? I’m in this by myself.

[lizbeth4]

So, last night I doubled my sleeping pill. Dumb move. But I had to get some sleep from my worries. I slept all day but have managed to take a shower, eat dinner as I have to work tonight. The nedt few months look bleak as I have other obligations to pay off. I will have to juggle, pay somethings late to get thtough this. It’s overwhelming at times. No one close to me that I can talk to. My Mom and Sister sense something is wrong but won’t say anything. I read on here that others gamble, a lot more money than I do and are able to recover the next payday. I don’t get it. It doesn’t compute. Well, I got my sleep but at a cost. I don’t feel well now. I need to figure things out. 

[lizbeth4]

I’ve gotten through part of the day. Strong urges! I’ve touched base with both of my Daughters and will talk to my Grandson this evening. I can’t get gambling out of my head. A acquaintance text me. She’s a CG but hasn’t accepted that she is. Her Husband has stage 4 cancer and just finished chemo treatments. He is in remission. She goes to the casino everyday for long periods of time. He is not a gambler. She can’t stop and is wasting time spent with him. Horrible,horrible addiction.

[lizbeth4]

I’ve decided to vegg today as I work tonight. I’ve been reading passages from the bible and my daily devotion.   I’m giving it to God today. Getting through the day!

[lizbeth4]

I just need to get through today. Struggling with my demons. Feeling low.

[lizbeth4]

This addiction can leave us with feelings of loneliness and isolation. Don’t give up. You’ve been able to stop before. Keep the faith!

[lizbeth4]

Home from work! Feeling slightly depressed. Realizing how little money I will have the next few months. It’s all about the money in this world. Not having money is a big trigger for me. I rralize that and I’m working through it. I need to focus on all that I do have. The woman who bought some clothing from me today, told me how lovely my home was. I just take thimgs for granted. Focus on the good! Being poor will not last. I will get through it and hopefully plan better next year.

[lizbeth4]

Welcome! We can’t go back and change anything. We can only move forward and make our lives better. I agree with Jen. You need to work your recovery. GA groups are free and you can get support there. Do you not have support or are you apprehensive about reaching out to someone you knoe? We are here for each other. You may feel hopeless now but things will get better if you stop gambling. Take time for you and your happiness. I’m thinking of you today and sending hugs. Hang in there! Keep posting!

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