[lizbeth4]

Today was a ME day! I went to the salon and had a haircut, brows waxed, and a mani/pedi. I feel like a new woman!! LOL!! I really liked the place that I went to and I will go back there again. I went by the hardware store and picked up a garden tool (racks, shovels, ect) organizer that I had to order. Tomorrow I will put it together. Later today I am going to feed and water my rose bushes. I can only water on certain days and times. My oldest Daughter and I have been texting back and forth. I noticed that she isn’t telling me she loves me when I tell her. Kind of hurtful but maybe that’s her way of getting back at me for me cutting off the money and not coming down every week to take care of my Grandson. If my Daughter had a legit emergency, I would help her out financially or I would come down to watch my Grandson. But she doesn’t put her priorities in the right order. Oh well, I can only work on and change myself. Otherwise everything is going fine. I talked to my Mom today on the phone to see how she was. I am making it a point not to spend everyday with her as it is not productive or healthy for me. She seemed depressed but that is for her to work out and deal with. I took a long nap yesterday, something I rarely do. I think my body needed some sleep as I went to bed at a decent hour also. I woke this morning feeling better and refreshed. I am not having gambling thoughts. I have so many little things to keep me occupied here. I hope everyone had a awesome day!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for the posts Cat and Vera. I was prepared to spend Easter by myself. I am not going all out for Easter dinner. We are grilling and my Daughter suggested that we go together to the grocery store to get everything and I am not paying for it all. I really don’t have any expectations when they are here. It will be good to see them all, especially my Grandson. I was watering yesterday evening and a woman walking her dog stopped and introduced herself. She lives at the end of my block around the corner. Her name is Carole, so I won’t forget that!!!! Cat, I miss my Husband a lot. I need to be kinder to myself as it has only been a little over 1 year since his passing. Sometimes, I think that I should be further in my grieving progress but I read posts on a grief support group that I belong to and everyone is different. I think one of the hardest things about him dying is that now I am just me! We were together so long that we were like a team. No one knew me like he knew me and he unconditionally loved me. We all have imperfections but my Husband was very loyal and always had my back. He was not a person to anger easily but if he thought that someone had hurt me he would come to my defense. I was reading some old emails from him the other day and they made me smile and miss him. I feel myself wanting to tell or share something with me and sometimes I do talk to him. I feel like he is with me and has been guiding me along my new path. I wonder when the hurt is going to stop. It is so hard to be living this new life without him but I am doing it and hoping that the pain lessens sometime.

[lizbeth4]

PSS: My Daughter just text me and asked if they could come up and spend some time with me on Easter weekend. My ex-son-in-law wants to come also. Of course I told her. We can color eggs together and grill and just have a good time.

[lizbeth4]

Cat, Thanks for your post on my thread. Your posts calm me and make me think straight. I think, Mother and Daughter relationships are hard!!! And like you said, communication is the key to a good relationship. I hope you are having a awesome day!!

[lizbeth4]

PS I have 12 rose bushes, 8 beautiful trees, a peach tree, shrubs, lilac bush, trumpet vines, wild strawberry vines, wild flowers. I have a lot to tend to and I can’t wait till everything blooms.

[lizbeth4]

Cat and Vera thanks for your posts on my thread! Vera, I think you are right. I am a people pleaser from a child, as far back as I can remember. A lot of it was out of a need to be loved and to try to keep a sense of order in our household. I am still trying to help or please others thought I have been trying to work on that. I need to please and help myself first. I can’t buy anyone’s love and I am who I am. Either you love me or you don’t thought it is hard to accept rejection from those whom you think would have your back, family. As I have said here before, my friends (a lot of you are here) were the ones who got me through the dark days after my Husband’s death not my family members. I think that says a lot. Vera, I am learning to love and like myself and I know that I am a good person capable of loving and being loved. I let others use me! Isn’t that sad? I am trying to break away from that. I know in the end that only ME is going to take care of myself and I don’t expect anyone else to. I can’t fix anyone’s problems or change anyone but me. The last two days after the gym, my Mother has wanted me to take her to the casino and I have said no! I have taken her home and I have done yard work. She asked me today if I was leaving her again!! Just a ploy for me to give into her. This was a big milestone for me in saying no!!! I have a hard time saying no to anyone. I have so much work to do on myself as I don’t want to keep making the same choices and mistakes. I don’t have my Sister and Nephew in my life because I refused to keep going on in a toxic relationship with them and they refused to work on a better relationship with me. My Grandson called last night and told me how much he missed me. It has been 9 days since I have seen him. Although I miss him deeply, I am standing my ground and his Mom and Dad will take care of him instead of me traveling back and forth. I did invite them all here for Easter weekend. I would love for them to come but some of my Grandson’s relatives from his Dad side might be visiting. My Daughter said she would call me as soon as she knew what was going on. I am making him a Easter basket of course!!! If they don’t come, I will see him on the 24th when I come to the city to fly out on my trip. It is a beautiful day here and I am watering and pulling weeds. I have a lot to do around here. I am making this my little paradise where I can be away from everything. Have a good day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Carole, I think that asking Danny for help and being honest with him is the best thing to do. When we start tallying our losses it is sickening. I remember going through so much money that it made me sick. We can’t recoup our losses but we can try to find ways not to gamble again. I feel like a butt and I have kicked myself over and over again for my gambling adventure after my Daughter and I were fighting. The $300 wasn’t the worse thing, it was that I let myself go there again!! I am reading some self help books and keeping busy. The GA group that was here doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know what to say about you moving back to the country. I understand that it is more feasible money wise but I don’t want you to be unhappy and feel like you are stuck somewhere that you don’t want to be. I don’t know what the answer is but I know that being happy makes other things fall into place. I am just starting to really like myself and get my self confidence back. I think it started with me standing up for myself with my family. Although, I have family members no longer talking to me. LOL!!! Anyways, enough about me. Do what you think is the best thing for you to do. Think about your happiness!! What can you change or do for yourself to find some peace within?? Take care and I am thinking of you.

[lizbeth4]

Well, today was a busy one. We went to the gym this morning. I took my Mom to a creek that is about 21 miles from here. It was beautiful and no one was there!!! We spread my Step-Father’s ashes. There was a picnic area and we had lunch and talked. My Mother’s memory is not so good anymore. She is getting people and situations all mixed up. We were talking about when I was a child and she was mixing things that my Brother did as things I did. I corrected her but she had a blank stare in her eyes. I don’t know if this is just old age or something worse. I am glad that I see her almost everyday so I can keep a eye on if it leads to something else. On the way home we stopped at the plant nursery and I bought some beautiful flowers to plant. I pulled weeds in my front yard and now I am pooped!! Oh, my Mom did say something about going to the casino on our way home. She said, “Are we going home? I would like to go to the casino but I don’t have the money to.” I told her that neither one of us needed to go to the casino and that we were going home. I am sure she was upset but that’s alright. I was telling her the truth. I think I will vegg the rest of the day. Take care everyone!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Carole, I was thinking of you today. I hope all is going well and that you are keeping busy doing things. You are very special to me as well as others here. I do worry as I want you to have everything in life that you deserve. I agree with Cat, make a list of rules for Danny before returning to the country. You can’t go back to the same situation again where nothing has changed. Take care!!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, Your post about the birth of your Sister made smile! My oldest Daughter was born at the —— hospital in the city as we had no insurance. My first Husband was so excited when I went into labor that he had to stop on the way to the hospital and tell my Mom and Dad that we were going to the hospital. In those days hardly anyone had a cell phone and if you did it was bigger than a walkie-talkie. I asked him not to stop but he was so excited. By the time we got to the hospital my Husband was asked to fill out some paperwork and I was wheeled into a room and I preceded to have my Daughter within 5 mins of getting there. My Husband comes walking into the room and almost fainted on the spot. I got to the hospital 30 mins before the birth of my second Daughter as we were afraid I won’t make it!! It is a travesty that the health care in the U.S. is so horrible!!! Like I said before, I found out a lot when I had my heart attack and when my Husband was ill. I was told that we had one of the better health plans and we still were out a lot of money. I hope that everything works out for you when your insurance changes and that you will be able to afford your medicines. Everything is starting to bloom here!!!! I love this weather.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter called last night and apologized to me. I told her that we need to work on our relationship and that counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea. She attends counseling and I have in the past. She is open to the idea. We need to learn to talk to one another and not let our problems get out of control. That doesn’t mean that I am traveling back and forth to the city like before. I know that my Grandson will spend a lot of the summer with me in between his sports camp and karate camp and I am good with that. I think that I am stopping her from completely parenting my Grandson. It is time for him to spend more time with his Dad also. His Dad is a awesome person but lately he has being seeing less of him. He too needs to do some growing up and become more responsible. So our spa trip is on again for the two of us. We will fly into Las Vegas on the 25th and my Grandson’s other Grandma will pick us up and we will go to her home town which is 1 hour from there. We are going to the spa the next day and are spending the night with her. She has some land and animals, horses, chickens and of course dogs and cats. I haven’t been there before and she has been inviting me. On our last day we are going back to Vegas for dinner and the Love-Beatles Tribute show. She got tickets for us!!! I am not worried about gambling as Vegas was never a venue for me. I have gone there with my Husband for Union conferences and never gambled, just did a lot of sight-seeing and shopping. I will be with non-gamblers also so they will keep me in check. I want to be accountable and honest as I do not plan to gamble. Today, I helped my Mom with her yard work. She refuses to let me hire someone as she likes to putter in the yard. She isn’t on any deadline, so she works on it a little at a time. We had lunch together and play many games of yahtzee. (my favorite game). We are going to the gym in the morning then we are traveling about 50 miles northeast from here to spread my Step-father’s ashes. My Mom has had his ashes for almost 8 years and finally decided that she felt comfortable in spreading them. The place we are going to has a stream running through it and is beautiful. Afterwards we are going to have a picnic. On the way home we plan to stop by the plant fair (nursery) and look for some flowers for me plant. So, my day tomorrow will be full. The way I like them.

[lizbeth4]

My grandson called today. He beat me to it as I was going to call him this week. It was good to hear his voice. It was too windy to grill today so I cooked inside. My Mom stayed for 4 hours and we played board games. I am going to help her do yard work tomorrow if it isn’t windy. I have my Pjs on as it is cool here and I am tired today. I did laundry and cleaned earlier today. It is going to be a early night

[lizbeth4]

P.S. Today I received a Harry & David, chocolate tower (6 boxes) from my realtor as a thank you. I have given all but 1 box away to neighbors. I don’t need access to all that chocolate!!!!! LOL!!!

[lizbeth4]

P.S. Today I received a Harry & David, chocolate tower (6 boxes) from my realtor as a thank you. I have given all but 1 box away to neighbors. I don’t need access to all that chocolate!!!!! LOL!!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Bettie for your advice. Everyone has given me great advice and I am listening. I felt the need in my heart to apologize as I did say some unkind words in the heat of our fight. But as always, I never get a apology. I am not going to apologize again. I am getting the cold shoulder treatment. I did talk to my ex-son-in-law and my Grandson is fine. He told me it would pass as that is how my Daughter reacts to things she doesn’t want to hear. I do feel that I need to take responsibility for not being more firm that they find care for my Grandson and that the traveling back and forth was getting to be too much. I let her brush me off and I didn’t stand my ground. Honestly, I have been walking on eggshells with her and that is not a healthy relationship. I held my feelings in as I didn’t want to fight or disagree with her as I knew it wouldn’t have a happy outcome. I finally exploded when she had pushed me to my limits. A lot of this about money also. I have done a lot for her lately and when I said no, she didn’t like it!!! Really sad but true! I knew when I cut off the money supply, she would be mad!! Oh well! We have a upcoming trip at the end of this month. We are flying to meet a friend and spend the weekend at a spa. I have prepaid everything. If she can’t get it together by then, I am going without her. Bettie, you are right. I can’t control what she thinks of me. I know my truth! It is just strange how I am the cause of her drug addiction issues and other problems, but she never said anything till she didn’t get what she wanted (money). To me it is a cop out!!!! Anyways, I had a good day. The weather here was wonderful. I am cooking on my new gas grill tomorrow for my Mom and I. I hung the new bird feeder and bird house in my back yard and they look awesome. I am thinking about buying a bird bath for the birds and squirrels . I love the geese but I had poop in my driveway today. They are still awesome. Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I am not feeling so sad about the situation today!

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