[lizbeth4]

I am in the city. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my youngest Daughter. We got lunch out and took it back to her friend’s condo where she is house sitting. It was a lovely afternoon and I told her my hopes and dreams for her. I don’t know how much really sunk in but I am hoping that she was listening a little to me. My Grandson and I are hanging out together. He wanted to stay with me instead of going to karate camp. In 3 hours, we will be house hunting again. We didn’t hit it off right away with our new Realtor. She previewed the homes that we emailed her and had something negative to say about each one. We told her that we appreciated her feedback but that we still wanted to see our list of homes and make are own opinions. We will meet her in person today and I am sure everything will be fine. Houses here in our price range aren’t staying on the market long. We have decided that we would prefer a home with a pool as it is so hot here and we all enjoy swimming. It’s fun to watch my Daughter and Grandson be so excited about looking at homes and finding a home. Keeping my fingers crossed that something on our list will be the one!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Monique and Sad, It was good to see your supportive posts this morning. I had a restless night thinking about my Mother and how I should of handled the situation. I think I did the right thing by walking away because I didn’t want it to become any worse as things are said that we can’t take back. I know one thing, I love my children and Grandson with my whole heart. We might have tough times but I will always be there for them and never judge them. I want to be their safe place as my Grandmother was for me. Those memories with her, I will never forget. I am going to the city this morning. I will be seeing my youngest Daughter (addict) today. I give her all of my love and I keep telling her that when she is ready for rehab, I will support her all the way. Later, I am picking up my Grandson from karate camp. He is my love-bug. We have a bond that is special. My oldest Daughter and I are going house hunting tomorrow afternoon and during the week. She and I have come a long way. I am so proud of her for being drug free for 19 months. She works hard, goes to meetings and counseling. She has a fantastic job, can afford a new home and best of all she has a great relationship with her son. I am thankful for many things in my life but seeing my children happy and healthy is the best thing that could happen for me. I love my Mother and I am going to move on from this last incident. She is who she is.

[lizbeth4]

Monique, I have come to the realization that my Mother is incapable of giving me the love that a parent should give their child. I was always afraid of my Mother as a young child. She was very strict and it was her way or no way. She controlled us with guilt to make my siblings and I behave the way that she wanted us to. If she was mad at you she wouldn’t speak to you for weeks. She would use the other siblings to communicate with you. I always felt very sad that I didn’t have a voice. I was a very shy child and I was so afraid of doing something to set my Mother off. So, I became her perfect child. She liked to spank with a belt. My Sister and Brother received most of the physical abuse. I remember stopping her from hitting my Brother once when I was about 12 years old. I couldn’t bear it anymore. It seemed like the hitting became less after that. It is sad when a child is afraid of their Mother and always feels judged. My Grandmother was awesome and lived across the street from us all throughout my childhood. I could tell her anything and she never judged or used her love against you. I stayed at my Grandmother’s house a lot. She died when I was a adult with 2 children. She was 96 years old. I took her death really hard. I am trying to deal with the pain from my Mother now in a positive way. But sometimes it is raw and so hurtful that I have to walk away. Life is too short and I don’t want to have these feelings of resentment towards my Mother. I want to have a peaceful relationship with her. I have had many urges to gamble after she hurts me but I refuse to go there. I can calm myself down but it takes me awhile to do that. I am still working on how I react to her actions but it is hard. I am sorry for rambling but I think that this helps me to release the pain. The sad result of this is that my siblings and I have major issues that I think stem from our childhood. I am not blaming all of it on my Mother as we have free will to make our own decisions. I have a gambling problem, my Sister has a gambling problem and had a drinking problem, and my Brother has had a major drug addiction for years. My Sister and I have children who have drug addictions. Words and negative actions have a huge impact on how children perceive themselves and the world.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jen, Keep trying!! Gambling destroys everything good in our lives. You are putting up barriers with your money to prevent further gambling. You are doing the right things. Stay strong. We can only live for now. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Carole, I agree with you as I wouldn’t introduce someone to gambling either. It is so easy to get hook especially when you are in a very vulnerable, emotional state. That is sad that your friend has to put up with a loser of a husband as he supports her financially. Something must be wrong with this man to keep rubbing it into her face and telling her his plans to be with the other woman. I am glad that you had the will power not to gamble. It is so hard sometimes to not give in!!

[lizbeth4]

I am real upset today and feeling low! It’s one of those days that didn’t start off right!!! My Mother called and wanted me to come over for lunch. We have been getting along quite well together and she has seemed to stop before she crosses my boundaries as she knows that I will get up and leave. My Sister was texting me. She wants to move here when she retires in 4 years. She is looking at properties for sale but she can’t afford to buy something yet. So, I was relaying what was being said to my Mother. Then my Mother blurts out that I could be helping my Sister instead of my Daughter with a home purchase. She must have seen the look on my face and said that it wasn’t any of her business. I told her that it wasn’t any of her business and that I would do what I wanted with my money. I got up and went home. WHY does she bring me to tears and make me feel angry towards her??? I am angry now as she says such ridiculous things. She doesn’t filter anything. I think she is trying to sabotage my relationship with my Sister. We are still trying to piece back together our relationship. I am feeling a lot of anger and hurt right now!! I know that I need to let it go and release it and move on. It is just hard when someone who is supposed to love and care for you keeps hurting you. I have things to do around my home before I leave for the city tomorrow. I will keep busy and stay positive!!

[lizbeth4]

Bettie, that’s what I thought too!!! Everything does happen for a reason. The seller signed a roof certificate saying the roof was okay. I knew the front of the roof was shot when we first viewed the home. Something isn’t right there!!! I don’t mind looking till we find the right one!! I just didn’t want to have to deal with the heat! LOL!!! My Realtor (who lives in the town I do) is so busy and she really doesn’t have the time to go to the city has referred me to my new Realtor who lives in the city. She seems very energetic and focused. I am headed for the city on Tuesday morning. My Grandson called last night and asked me when I was coming to see him as he is really missing me. Oh, he was so sweet. I am going to take a couple days to spend some time with him also. School will be starting soon and he is one busy guy with his karate and baseball. I think he needs some Nana love!!

[lizbeth4]

Well, I walked away from the house deal. The owner didn’t want to budge. I am going to be looking again at houses this coming week. We are going to concentrate on a area a little west of where we were looking. The houses are newer and we shouldn’t run into roof issues, ect… Another part of the journey.

[lizbeth4]

I treated myself to a haircut and I had my eyebrows done. I feel like a new woman. I treated my Mom to lunch. She was getting grouchy with me and I left and came home. See, I am learning to walk away and keep my boundaries. I am in a great mood and I am not letting anyone bring me down. I am in the final negotiations with the home. The seller came back with a $3500 credit. I want at least $5,000. I am countering them today. Anyways, the weather here has been lovely. We have had a light shower every night. My Daughter says she is progressing with the packing. That is good news as I don’t want to go to the city until I have to sign the final papers on the home and the walk through. I hope everyone is having a good day!!!

[lizbeth4]

Ican, thank you for your post! Have a wonderful vacation.

[lizbeth4]

Monique and Ican thank you for your posts!! I have the most awesome views from my home. I am surrounded by beautiful mountains and forests. I do feel grateful for being able to live in such a wonderful place. The ribs were delicious and my Mother did appreciated the dinner. The home inspector called today and the gas appliances are working properly and he found no gas leaks. I met with my Realtor and she faxed over the fix it list and roofing estimate to the seller’s agent. They have 5 business days to reply. So, everything is done on my part. Now I just have to wait for a response. My Daughter and Grandson have been packing (without me). Yeah!!! See, if I stop and leave things to her, she eventually does complete them. She did text me the tonight telling me how much she appreciates me and thanking me for all I have done to get a house for her and my Grandson. Tomorrow morning I hit the gym again. No GAMBLING thoughts today!!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Nancy, I am so sorry to hear the your Husband’s cancer. Remember to take care of yourself through this battle. It’s so easy for us (women) to put ourselves last and take care of everyone else. I am praying that the chemo and radiation works and that he will be cancer free. You are right, gambling is nothing but a waste. I am thinking of you. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Bettie!! I will remember that!! I didn’t GAMBLE!!! I read a self help book and started to watch a movie and fell asleep. LOL!! I treated myself to a mani/pedi this morning. Friday, I have a hair and eyebrow appointment. I like the salon that I go to as a lot of the people working there have lived here for a long time. I am looking for a yard work service. I found out today that the woman who owns the salon, her husband has his own yard service business. I have his card and will give him a call soon. I am attempting to cook ribs. My husband was the cook and a good one. I used a dry rub and they are now slow cooking. I will finish them off on the grill and braise them with barbeque sauce. My Mother is coming for dinner this evening. I am thankful that I have this site and all of you to vent to when times are rough. Bettie, thanks for your response as it gave me something to think about and it helped me to detour my gambling thoughts. This morning I went out to my backyard to enjoy my tea and had a awesome surprise. One of the shrubs had beautiful purple flowers on it. I think that it was a sign for me to be thankful and not to take my surroundings for granted. To be in the present.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Bettie!! I have been thinking that I need to go to a meeting but there are none offered in the town. There was once but it disbanded. I am going to reread one of my self help books. I have been thinking about going to the casino since my last post about 30 mins ago. I am fighting with myself now. I know it’s not going to make me feel any better but something is telling me what the hel-!! So, I am getting my book out. Later, I am going to find a good movie on Netflix and make some popcorn and hunker down!! I know why I gamble: stress, being lonely and fear!!! I never have worked all the steps. I need to get my GA handbook out and start reading again and applying it to my daily life. I do feel that I have ignored my recovery!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Cat and Monique for your kind and supportive posts!! I really think that I have come a long way. Cat I am learning to let go and let my Daughter’s stand on their own and to not hold my Grandson so tight. It is hard but I know I need to do it. This afternoon was especially hard for me as my youngest Daughter (drug addict) text me and we had a brief conversation. Her boyfriend of 6 years is in jail and going to prison for a couple of years. He has violated his probation repeatedly and now there are no more chances and he is going to serve out his sentence (burglaries). My Daughter is upset. See, she has always had a boyfriend since she was 17 years old. And yes, they are drug addicts also. She doesn’t know how to function on her own. I want to grab her up and take care of her but I know that it isn’t the answer. She wouldn’t be here long as she would be craving the drugs. She doesn’t work so I don’t know how she is obtaining her drug money but I can only assume. It is heartbreaking and terrifying for me to wonder how she is living and surviving. I had a sleepless few nights as I kept having nightmares about her well being and the end result was so painful to face. I have put this into Gods hands. I pray that he will watch over her and that one day she will want to get help for herself. It’s so hard as a parent to watch your child destroy themselves and all you can to is watch it happen. I tell her all the time that I love her and that her she is worth more than the drugs. Please, oh, please, let her accept that she needs help and is willing to receive it.

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