[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn, How is your Mother doing??

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I really do need the upcoming trip. No agenda just a relaxing time! I have tried everything to sleep. I sleep in small spurts and wake up constantly. Though last night I was so tired that I slept very well and feel so much better today. I have been doing some things around the house and I am going to go and clean my car soon. My Grandson’s school conference went well yesterday. He is doing well in all subjects and received a math and reading award. The teacher had nothing but positive things to say about him. I can finally say that I am feeling more positive about my life and that I am ready to make some changes involving meeting new people and getting out of my comfort zone. I am not afraid or apprehensive anymore. I think that it just took me some time to work through all of the feelings involved with my Husband’s death. It was a scary process to go through as I had to admit a lot of ugly things regarding our relationship. I had put our marriage on a pedestal and I think that is what a lot of people do when they lose someone. Our marriage was far from perfect, in fact it was very dysfunctional on both of our parts. It doesn’t diminish my love for him but it puts everything into prospective. Honestly, it was hard to admit my part and how I could have changed it. It was causing me to feel such guilt. But in the end, we both told each other how much we cared and loved one another. I had to let go of the negative feelings to move forward. It has taken me months but to release it, but I feel so much better now. I feel like I am ready to move forward. I am not saying to get into another relationship but to not be stuck anymore and to feel like I want to live again. It’s been a long road but being gamble free has helped me tremendously to think straight. I am grateful everyday for that.

[lizbeth4]

Although I didn’t sleep well last night I made myself go to the gym this morning. I walked on the treadmill for 30 mins and rode the bike for 15 mins. I haven’t lost but a few pounds but I have lost some inches. My pants are not so tight!! I am doing some laundry and paying some bills. I am going back to my Mom’s this afternoon for a early dinner. My cousin called today and she is excited about our upcoming trip also. It is a short one, only 4 days but it will be relaxing. No sightseeing plans. I am going to walk on the beach and sit on the beach and watch the sunset. We are going to the shops and I am going to eat some fresh seafood (my favorite). Just a relaxing vacation!! It was cold this morning and the leaves on the trees are changing colors. Beautiful!!!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn! You do deserve our support as you are always supportive to others here. I am glad that you have excluded yourself from the casino. That is a barrier that I put in place in the city as I am surrounded by casinos. I know that people do gamble when they are banned but I am too scared of getting caught! I am glad that you have a friend with whom you can share this with. That support really helps! Take care!

[lizbeth4]

I don’t know why but I am feeling a little low today. I don’t feel like getting dressed or doing anything. I haven’t been sleeping well again. When I met my new Doctor on Friday, I thought about asking for sleeping pills. I decided against it as I don’t like taking pills and I want to keep trying others things first. I just think that I have too much stuff going on in my head and it’s hard for me to relax. I am working on it!! By the way, I like my new Doctor. I am looking forward to my trip and being with my cousin. No gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Carole, I am glad that you have posted on your thread. I hope you start feeling better soon. Take care of yourself.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and P for your posts. Having your support makes it easier to get through the tough times. Vera, I will only have one Grandchild. I would have loved to have many Grandchildren and they would all of been the joy of my life but it is not meant to be. I will continue to pray for my Daughter but I can’t let her take me down too. Emotionally, I feel fragile and I have to keep making healthy boundaries so I can keep my sanity. P, I made a promise to myself when my Husband died that I would live a good and healthy life. I don’t want to have any regrets. I need to be true to myself first. I have had urges to gamble when my stress level is high but I have been able to work through them. I don’t want to be that person again. Some good news: my Grandson made friends with some kids in the neighborhood and has been playing with them today. I am so happy. They are adapting to the new home and surroundings. It is one of the best things to see them happy!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your insight and sharing your story with me. It helps so much. I also couldn’t get my Daughter to attend high school. She would get kicked out for absents and I would find another school and she would be kicked out. Eventually, I ran out of schools in our district. So, she was supposed to get a job, never happened. She left home at age 17 and is now almost 31. She has lived this way for 14 years. Heartbreaking! She can’t have children and she shouldn’t as long as she is living this lifestyle. She suffered a miscarriage 9 1/2 years ago and there were complications which led to her not being able to have children. She was using drugs at the time and the baby suffered also and couldn’t survive. It was a boy. He would be close to the age of my Grandson (oldest Daughter’s). Very hard to deal with. Earlier today my Daughter text me and said Hi, Hope your day is going well, Love you. I just replied Love you too. Usually this is where I say, How are you? Then the drama starts and she tells me of the drama, I feel bad and offer money. I am trying to change the way I approach her. She hasn’t text me back. She doesn’t blame me for her problems but has a way to make me feel guilty although I know that I am not to blame. I have to break this vicious circle between her and I! Sometimes it gets real depressing!!!

[lizbeth4]

I am having a lazy morning. Still in pj’s!! LOL!!! I have joined a online help group for parents who have children that are drug addicts. It is helpful to hear from other’s who are going through the same thing. My Daughter has only contacted me once since I told her that I was not going to help her anymore with a place to live. She needs to figure out her life. It was the hardest thing that I had to do. I hit a crossroad in her addiction and the way I react to it. I have to do what I think is the best for her and myself. It is really hard but I am dealing with it. I haven’t had any gambling urges! Although I was ready to deal with the gambling monster!! I think being at home helped also as I feel peaceful and calmness here!

[lizbeth4]

I have been home since yesterday. I took my Mom out for dinner tonight, salmon, vegetables and salad. Yummy! I am cooking dinner for us tomorrow, baked flounder, salad, zucchini. I am trying to eat healthy. Going to meet my new family doctor tomorrow. It was time to find a doctor here. I watched a good documentary last night about manic depression and bipolar. My ex son in law has both and doesn’t take medications for it. It was very enlightening and now I understand why he behaves the way he does. I think it will help me to be more understanding towards him. I have 8 days till my trip. I have many things to do here. Keeping busy keeps me out of trouble.

[lizbeth4]

Hi all! I am going home tomorrow for 10 days before I leave for my trip to the ocean. We picked up my Daughter from the airport last night and she had a great time with her friend in Seattle. I want to go home but it is hard to leave her and my Grandson. We are going out for sushi tonight (their favorite). I am here with the handyman. The storage shed is almost done! I haven’t had any gambling urges since I have been here though I am surrounded by casinos. I am banned from then all! All is good! I have been watching too much news. Wars, ebola!! It is heartbreaking that so many have to suffer. It makes everything in your life so minute.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Debbie, It is great to hear that your life is going well. Congrads on the new grandchild!!! Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sad for your post! I woke this morning feeling a lot better. I think that I had one of the most restful sleeps in months! I think I was on overload yesterday and very tired! My Grandson is sleeping in. He is much too wise for his age. He told me that he was tired of his Mom and Dad arguing and that when they do, it’s very hurtful for him. I fell asleep on the couch last night and he was playing his game. He woke me and told me it was time for bed. We are off to his baseball game in a few hours. Then the rest of the weekend is ours!!!

[lizbeth4]

Today ended up being a lousy day!!! The refrigerator guy was supposed to be out between 9-10am. He was out the last time I was in the city and had to order parts for the ice dispenser. He called and tried to reschedule for next Tuesday as he was busy. I told him either he come out today as scheduled or to forget it and that I would call the home warranty company with whom he is affiliated. Low and behold, he was here within 20 mins and repaired it. My ex son in law called, blah, blah. He can’t let my Daughter go!! They haven’t been together for over 2 years! It is starting to effect my Grandson as he is tired of hearing it also. And blah, blah, he can’t take my Grandson to his baseball game tomorrow. He was the one that was gung ho for him playing another season. So, I am taking him. Not that I mind taking him but his Dad puts him in activities and then doesn’t want to participate. My youngest Daughter text me while I was waiting for my Grandson to get out of school. She is packing up her stuff and has to move. Okay, I can’t help her as my Grandson isn’t allowed to be around her and she obviously wants me to get her somewhere to live. I have rented apartments for her with promises of her getting a job and she has been kicked out of everyone. I have gotten her hotel rooms but that becomes real costly. Honestly, I think I am done with all of that. It doesn’t help her! I end up taking care of all of her friends who crash there. My Grandson and I are home and he asked me if we could just stay home tonight and relax. Poor thing, he has long days with school and then karate camp. So, we had dinner and we are making ice cream sundaes later on for dessert. I am just mentally exhasted!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I took my Grandson to school this morning and now I am doing some laundry and straightening the house. I love my Daughters and Grandson but I had a hard time leaving my home and coming to the city. I guess it is my peaceful space and safe place! I will be going home on Wednesday for 10 days before I go to California. Next month it will be 1 year since I moved to my new home. How time flies. It was a good decision and I am very happy there. A lot has happened in the last 19 months since my Husband’s death. I am proud of myself for being able to start a new path for myself. I have made a lot of changes and they have all been good choices. I was worried that I would be gambling again and out of control. I am trying to live a good life and do good things. I know that sounds corny but it is working for me. I have had urges (stress related) and it scares the heck out of me as I know that taking that plunge is only one step away if I don’t work at staying gamble free. I think the hardest thing for me is when I feel lonely, then the urges to gamble really hit hard. But sometimes I feel lonely when I am with people also. I am learning to love myself and to feel content with myself. The best thing in being here in the city is when my Grandson tells me he loves me. He is my sweet angel. He makes life awesome.

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