[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your thoughtful post. I don’t think that I sometimes give myself credit for how far I’ve come. I think it has always been hard for me to accept compliments or to give myself kudos as I have always dealt with low self esteem. I am now feeling like I have a lot to give to others and that I value my self worth. Today was very trying for me as my Mom was very difficult. My sister is going through some tough times and my Mom thrives on the drama. It’s all she wanted to talk about. While I am sorry that she is going through a bad time it’s part of life. She will get through it and hopefully come out stronger. We all have things to deal with and a lot of the time it is out of our control. My Mom wasn’t happy that I wouldn’t buy into the drama and negativity and she became hateful with me. I went home as don’t deserve to be treated badly. On a positive note, my Daughter and Grandson are coming for Easter, maybe my ex son in law and his brother also. We are going to do some hiking. Always a fun time. My daughter and I are reading Guts by Kristen Johnston, about addiction and sobriety. We saw her on a documentary about addictions. Very interesting.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your post! Our mini trip was awesome. We all had fun. My daughter and grandson didn’t leave to go home till this evening. She made dinner for us and my Mom came over. Earlier, my Daughter and I watched a documentary about addictions. Her and I talked about her struggles with her demons. She has been drug free for over 2 years. I am so proud of her. She has worked hard for her recovery and has come a long way. Even though we had a disagreement we were able to talk and work through it. We have come a long way.

[lizbeth4]

We are on our road trip, mini vacation. Today didn’t start off well. My daughter and I got into a big argument and in front of my Grandson. I felt like shxx afterwards. Anyways, we were able to sit down and talk and work through our issues. . We both took ownership of our stuff. I think that we both learned a lot from this. We ended up having the most awesome day. We went to a animal sanctuary that you drive through. We saw so many animals. We then went to the walk through part and saw 3 newborn bear cubs and many other animals. We are vegging in our hotel room now. We had pizza delivered for dinner. My Daughter is already asleep. My grandson and I are watching the Lego movie. Tomorrow we head for the Grand Canyon.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Sad, I love your new name! It does fit you. Stay positive and motivated.

[lizbeth4]

My daughter and grandson are coming this evening instead of yesterday. There was something going on at school today that my Grandson didnt want to miss. LOL! It is raining here, much needed for all of my plants, rose bushes. I picked my Mom up and we went to the gym. I asked her on the way home if she would like to stop and have breakfast. She said no, so when we got to her house she was surprised that I wasn’t coming in. I told her that I was going out for breakfast and that’s what I did. I went to a little cafe and everyone was very nice. It was enjoyable. I had a light bulb moment today about my life. So much of the traits that my sister and I have come from our upbringing, mainly my Mom. Today when she didn’t want to go to breakfast she made the assumption that I would’t go as she had made the decision. As trivial as that seems, it made me think about issues that are happening now in our family. We all don’t deal with issues constructively as we weren’t taught how as children. A lot to think about. I can see things that I am working on personally. I am trying to break the circle of dominance, rage, and selfishness that I was brought up in. At least I am recognizing the issues and am trying to change things within myself.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your post. I am going out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there meeting new people. It isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Tonight was awesome. The cowboy is the town historian. He was so interesting. His great great grandfather was one of the founding fathers of the town. A lot of the history was told to him from his grandparents. He is a author also. I bought one of his books and he autographed it for me. It was a intimate setting of about 20 people. My realtor put the presentation together. She is a fantastic person. Anyways, I really enjoyed my evening.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sad and P for your posts! I have been busy these last few days. Last night I went to a meeting for the cancer relay that I will be doing in May. I am on a team now as it will be fun to work with others. We will set up a booth at the event and raise some more money for the charity. Someone in our group is making jewelry to sell and we are going to sell baked goods. Everyone seemed real nice! Tonight I am going to the (cowboy) History of our town. I received a phone call reminder for tonight. I can’t wait as it will be interesting. I am getting used to a small town as I was born and raised in a huge city. Things here are a lot different. Everything is a lot slower and people are very friendly. It’s all good! My oldest Daughter and Grandson will be here tomorrow night as our trip to the Grand Canyon is coming up. I just love road trips!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday my nephew, his wife and their 5 month old baby came for a visit. My Mom and I took turns holding her. What a cutie! My nephew is a wounded vet (twice) and waiting for his disability benefits to start. That is another story that I won’t get into. His wife has caused issues with the family, including my daughter’s. She was okay yesterday. My 2 nephews have 6 children from 6 different women. Our family has no contact with any of them except the newest one. Very sad. I was thinking after they left for the city if there was anyway for us to come together as a family again and I think the answer is no. My grandson has no cousins to grow up with. He is very fortunate to have many friends who are his family. Tomorrow I am going to the city so I can get my car repaired. It is part of a recall. They said it would take about 1 hour to repair. Then I am heading home. Today is my day to relax and stay in my PJS and watch tv. Take care everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks kpat for your caring post. I did get through the day. I had my taxes done yesterday on Friday the 13th! LOL! I do owe, but about half of what I estimated. It was a good day!!! Doing some laundry, etc. Staying home this weekend. Have a great weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my husband’s death. I am doing okay. I spent my day as usual, My morning workout and some time spent with my Mom. I am at home now just relaxing. It is a cloudy, cold day here. I have no gambling urges. I was worried that this day might inginte some urges. I know that he is resting in peace now. He is truly missed.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks BU for your post. I totally agree with your comments about my Mother. I am working on just loving her and leaving the rest behind. I am letting her behavior bother me and I know it’s not healthy. It is just taking me awhile to sort it all out. I reflect about how her behavior affected my siblings and I when we were children and how we have all taken it with us into adulthood. Very unhealthy. I am breaking the cycle with my children. I am very loving and emotionally there for my children, grandson. They are my everything. Kpat, I did have a good day. I had a good workout this morning. I planted flowers. My garden area is almost prepared. I need to add some more fertilizer to it. I can’t plant till May. Our nights here still get down to freezing till then. I am looking forward to the garden. I have never planted vegetables before. It will be interesting.

[lizbeth4]

Thank you so much for your post on my thread. I am sorry that your Mother causes you pain also. I know that mine isn’t going to change and that I can’t talk to her about anything emotional as she would just block me out. It is still raw and painful. She came for dinner and acted like nothing was wrong. How does a person become so emotionally dead? She started talking about family problems. I said because there is so much dysfunction and certain members of this family refuse to be emotionally open. She shut up real fast. After my husband’s death, I had many eye opening experiences. I saw some of my Mom’s flaws in myself. I have worked very hard on my issues and have changed a lot. Anyways, it helps to have someone who can relate. Thanks again for your support. I didn’t gamble.

[lizbeth4]

I went to my hair appointment and now I am home. I white knuckled the urges for almost 2 hours. The urges are lessening. I think I will be alright.

[lizbeth4]

Today started off well. I got up early and put a roast and vegetables in the crock pot and picked my Mom up and went to the gym. I had a good workout. The trouble started once I was back at my Mom’s house. We were talking and suddenly she got up and said she was going to work in her yard and that I needed to leave. It was just so rude. I told her that she could have been nicer about it. She told me that it was my issue if I felt that way. She doesn’t care what she says and if it’s hurtful. I don’t know why but suddenly I wanted to gamble. Why would I want to be self destructive? I am trying to work through the urges. I have tried to be close to both my Mom and sister and it is a one sided relationship. I have friends whom have more feelings for me. It is just so crushing and painful. It is like part of them, the emotional side is dead. I love them but don’t like the way they treat myself and other’s in our family. There is a kind of fakeness about them. On a lighter note, I am running a rely for Cancer in May. Next week is the team member meeting so I will meet new people. I invited my Mom to the cowboy town history presentation and of course she wasn’t interested but I am going. I am going the college tomorrow to look into classes. Next week my Daughter and Grandson are coming so we can go on a small road trip to the grand canyon. It will be amazing! I am looking at all the positives I have in my life.

[lizbeth4]

P, thanks for your post! I am learning that I can’t control others behavior also. She was pleasant at the dinner. It is challenging as she is negative 90 percent of the time. She isn’t going to change this stage of the game and honestly, she doesn’t think that she is doing anything wrong. I think it is how you look at life. I would rather have a happy, positive outlook than be negative and unhappy. I kicked butt today at the gym. I walked 40 minutes on the treadmill and biked for 20 minutes (fast) I worked for 1 hour in my garden area, removing rocks. I am invited to a event next Tuesday. It is about the history of the town told by a cowboy. Sounds interesting. I am definitely going. Tomorrow afternoon is haircut time. I am making dinner (roast and vegetables) for my Mom and I too! Keeping busy and staying out of trouble.

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