[lizbeth4]

Well, my Mother’s positive attitude didn’t last for long. She was in rare form this morning when we went to the gym. I guess that I have to learn to enjoy the good times with her and run when it turns bad. LOL!!! I did have a good workout. The handyman/yardman and I went to Home Depot and bought the new wood pickets, nails, ect… to repair my fence. He is working on it now!!! Nothing else going on. I am taking everyday with a positive attitude and I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

[lizbeth4]

My Mom had her stress test today. She needs to have a stent placement (heart artery) She was upset so I took her to breakfast and we talked about it. She had a stent placement about 10 years ago. The procedure has to be done in the city and she will have to stay the night. Her cardiologist office will call us with a date. I am assuming sometime next week. Her cardiologist here will perform the procedure. We will talk to my Daughter when she is here this weekend about us staying at her house. My Mom is feeling much better about everything. She even told me thank you for taking her this morning and for me being there for her. It felt good to hear these words. I am emotionally drained. I am going to bed early tonight as I want to hit the gym early. I have someone coming over tomorrow to replace the warped fence pickets (backyard) and then he is going to stain the fence. It needs it.

[lizbeth4]

BU, I had a recent relapse so I know where you are coming from. I know it was hard for you to come clean to your partner and parents about your gambling but when I came clean, it was freeing. My dirty secret was out in the open. Don’t beat yourself up! Let go of the negative thoughts about yourself and move forward. GA was really hard for me to commit to in the beginning of my recovery but has been very beneficial for me. Hang in there!!!

[lizbeth4]

I am back from my overnight trip. It was awesome to see my friend. I have invited her and her Grandson up for a weekend. I picked my Mother up on Monday morning and we went to the gym. She was very cold and distant but that is better than the anger, and screaming. My Sister called me last night and we had a lengthy conversation. She is going through her own issues right now, mainly with her youngest son who has retired from the service with full disability benefits due to a brain and shoulder injury from the war. I really feel for her but she sounds like she is handling everything in a healthy and positive way. She told me that she feels bad that she can’t be here more often but she works full time. She said she didn’t know if she could deal with Mom’s anger issues on a regular basis. It was good to have her support and knowledge of the situation. I am going to relax the rest of the day. Tomorrow, back to the gym.

[lizbeth4]

Vera, I think that is a wonderful idea for me to talk to my Daughter about my relapse. She and my Grandson are on a camping trip with friends. I will get in touch with her this week. My peach tree is planted and looks awesome. I have things around the house to keep me occupied. I need to pack for my overnight trip. I am going to work through the urges. Going to the gym tomorrow morning before I leave. I will go on a walk later as that will help me.

[lizbeth4]

I woke feeling a little low and vulnerable. I am waiting for the yard guy as he is late. I am going to stick close to home today. I am not trusting myself at this moment. I think that I could do some damage gambling. P, you were right! I am getting the silent treatment from my Mother. Although it is sad, there is nothing I can do to change it. I didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t deserve to be treated badly. Just feeling a little lost today.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Carole, I am glad to see your post here! Thank you for your supportive post on my thread. I am sorry to hear about your Mother. Even though we have issues with our Mothers, when they are no longer here it will be hard. I want to say congrads on your job. You didn’t miss a beat in finding employment. I know this must be a difficult time for you and Danny. I know that you are strong and will get through it. I am thinking of you! My Grandson has his own bedroom at my place. He loves it!! Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Today is a new day. I think I did finally realize that my relationship with my Mom will never get better. I guess I had this unrealistic idea that I could change it. I could never be as mean as she is even to someone I dislike. She wants me to jump on the drama train with her over everything. No thanks. The negativity emitting from her is scary. Tomorrow, I am staying home also. Monday night I am going to the city to spend the night with my friend. I get to meet her Grandson she is raising. We have kept in touch the last year by phone and emails. It will be good to see her. I will come back Tuesday evening as she has to go to work on Wednesday. I am not telling either daughter that I am in town. This is my time.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for you supportive and kind post. I screwed up. I am not going to gamble. I haven’t had any urges. It wasn’t any fun and I felt guilt the whole time. Of course I lost and could have gone to the atm to pull out more money but I didn’t. I went to the restaurant and bought dinner and left. I didn’t feel the same high and excitement that I did in the past. I have taxes to pay, etc. The $200 dollars I blew could have been used in a more constructive way. I need to let that go. The flowers are planted and look lovely. I have rented a cabin for our Yosemite trip in June. I was looking at the pictures of it and I can’t wait to be there. I was checking out things to do such as hiking, fishing etc. I feel more grounded today. Can’t wait till tomorrow when my peach tree is planted. I have many bees in my flowering trees so they will be cross pollinating it. Being outside today (it is beautiful weather here) made me feel better.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera. I bought the Easter basket stuff. Maybe I went a little overboard. LOL. I went to the local nursery and bought a beautiful peach tree. The yard guy is going to plant it for me tomorrow. I am going to plant my flowers (yellow and purple) in pots to be put on the front porch. I am feeling much better emotionally. My Mom called to see what I was doing. I made it brief and told her that y was spending time in my yard today. Thanks for the posts.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monique and Vera for your kind posts. It is good to know that I am valued here. Everything you both have said is true. Why am I resisting? I woke with the gambling hangover. I want to just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. I am very depressed. I am on a emotional roller coaster concerning my relationship with my Mom. Silly me, I thought about calling her. Why? I am always trying to fix things between us. She could care less. I have to let go of my hopes for a healthy relationship with her. It is never going to be. I just feel like she takes the life right out of me!!! I won’t call her. I am going to get dressed and go to the store to get the stuff for my Grandsons Easter basket. I am not going to let someone define my happiness. I am in control of my happiness.

[lizbeth4]

I GAMBLED this evening!!!! I didn’t do much damage but I am so disappointed with myself. I did buy flowers to plant and I spent most of the day cleaning, etc. I called my Mom to see how her eye appointment went. The answering machine came on. She never called me back. Although I love my place and small town life, I wonder if I made a big mistake moving here. My Mom is dependent on me and is getting meaner everyday. Why did I let things get to me? Gambling wasn’t the answer to my problem. I have to pick myself up and deal with things. I’m feeling low right now.

[lizbeth4]

Carole, Thanks for your support and comments. I don’t think that you are being too harsh. You are right! I am never going to get from my Mom what I need. It doesn’t matter what I do, she is always angry. I get what you are saying about being everything to everyone. I have cut my trips to the city significantly. My Daughter and Ex Son In Law are good parents and capable of taking care of my Grandson. I am learning that the only way to escape my Mom’s wrath is to remove myself from the situation. I didn’t go to the gym this morning and I haven’t called my Mother. I have to have some peace. I am going to jump into the shower and go buy some flowers to plant in my pots on my front porch. I am tired of the drama train!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your support. I didn’t gamble!! I made myself a wonderful dinner, spinach ravioli with marinara sauce, a tossed salad and bread sticks. I enjoyed being at home. I ordered a picnic table, patio umbrella, which will be delivered before Easter. My family can sit outside and enjoy Easter dinner. I had a call from my Grandson and it made everything better. I have been on the computer looking at rentals for our Yosemite vacation in June. I am going to keep my distance till she cools off. I don’t expect a apology as she doesn’t think she is ever in the wrong. I don’t want to be anything like her.

[lizbeth4]

Today started off wonderfully. I had a mani/pedi, a pretty light purple for Easter! I picked up my Mom and we went to the gym. As soon as she got into the car, I could feel the tension and anger. I said hardly anything as to not get her going. On the way home, I told her that I wasn’t coming into her house as I was taking some clothes to the donation place and that I was going home to fix lunch for us. She came unglued. I was told what a terrible person I was. I don’t take blame for anything, ect… I asked what I needed to take blame for? Never got a answer. I asked her why she is so angry? Bad move!!! She screamed and ranted about how everything is always my fault. She wasn’t making any sense. When we got to her home she stood outside the car screaming at me. I asked her calmly to shut the car door and I drove off!!! It never ends with her. I am sad to say that I was in tears. I let her get to me again. It just brought up how I was raised. It was being screamed at, witnessing fits of rage, being manipulated, made to feel guilty and not being talked to for days because I won’t agree with her. Ironically, that’s what my Sister does to her, but doesn’t talk to her for years at a time. I do everything in my power not to follow what I was taught. I am proud of myself as I didn’t raise my voice at her. I dropped off the clothes and came home and called her to see if she was coming for lunch. She won’t call me, I have to call her or we wouldn’t talk. She said no and hung up on me. Wow, while writing this I just realized that she is still manipulating me. I am very sad. I had thoughts of gambling, (self destruction) afterwards but I am not going to do that. I am going to make myself a nice lunch and relax in my home. Sorry for the rant but I feel comfortable here and know that I won’t be judged.

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