[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your post! I feel so much disappointment with myself. I will figure this out and work on my addiction. I have been sad all day and have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish my Husband was here. No matter what our problems were, he would listen and not judge. He would turn things around and have me laughing. I miss his humor. I just feel defeated right now.

[lizbeth4]

I took my Grandson to his Dad last night. He gave me $500 for a loan repayment. I helped him get a car and he pays me back every month. To make a long story short, I went to the casino and blew the money. I feel so upset with myself! There are no excuses! Why?? Why can’t I get my stuff together? My Mom called and I told her that I was staying home today and would see her tomorrow morning when we go to the farmer’s market. I went to the grocery store but I have no motivation to do anything else. Stupid, dumb! I am so mad at myself!!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick for your post! Thank you also for sending your strength, love and prayers as there are days where I need all the help that I can get. Life isn’t easy and there are times where I have to pull all the strength from my higher power to continue forwards. My ex son in law has decided to come home for awhile as he has been working out of town. I am taking my Grandson to the half way mark (1 hour from here) tomorrow evening so he can spend time with his Dad. So I won’t have him here with me the rest of the summer but I am going to the city on the 28th for a cardiologist appointment and I am staying for a week. Today I had my yearly physical and everything went well. I have blood work to do next week. I am going back to the gym next week. I need to take care of myself and my health. Everything is good!

[lizbeth4]

My Mom came over this morning to stay with my Grandson so I could get my nails done. She is feeling really good. She even said that she would sit with him if I wanted to go and do anything. That surprised me! We are going to the park this evening and swimming tomorrow. I love having him here with me!! Life is good.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie, I was thinking of you today so I put your thread back up to the top. I hope that everything is going well for you. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Vera, I agree! My Daughter, Grandson and I had a awesome barbeque this afternoon. We are heading to the park to see the fireworks in a couple of hours. I feel so happy to be with my family today! No gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Happy 4th of July! Today is a day of gratitude for me. I live where I have freedom of speech and I can have dreams and experience them. There are so many oppressed people in this world. I am grateful for my life.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monique for your post! I do push myself too far. I haven’t found my balance yet. I am going to start meditating again in the mornings after I wake up. I need to find my spiritual self too! I lost it somewhere along my journey. I am opened to finding a friend or friends here. I was closed off till recently but I think I am ready now. I went to the grocery store this morning and helped a elderly woman locate the mayo. We talked a bit and she was behind me in line to check out. She told me that she was glad to meet me and that I was her little blessing today. How sweet! I think between my Husband’s death, my youngest Daughter’s drug addiction and my Mom’s health issue, I have become overwhelmed and have anxiety issues. It is hard for me to relax even when I go to bed at night. I feel like little pieces of me have died. I am going to concentrate more on myself and get in tune with my needs, both physically and spiritually. I’m trying!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your post! Your posts seem to comfort me. I will get counselling. Thank you for the praise you give me. It is hard for me to give myself praise, maybe because of low self esteem. My Daughter and Grandson are coming up for the weekend. We are going to barbeque, take out the Polaris (off road vehicle) and go to a arts and crafts festival in a town about 20 miles north of here. My Grandson is going to spend 1 month with me. His Dad is having to work out of town because the construction company he works for has no jobs right now in the city. My Daughter is very busy at work right know and feels like my Grandson needs more attention. We will have a awesome time! I took my Mom and her dog to the vet today as it was time for his checkup and yearly shots. She did tell me thank you. I just have to accept her for who she is but try not to get caught up in her bad behavior, if that makes sense. I will be okay. I will work through my issues and maybe learn something along the way.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your post. I would never confront my Cousin as that would not bring peace to me. He is a alcoholic and lives 400 miles from me. I am reading some self help books and I will seek professional help in dealing with this issue if I can’t get a grip on it. My Mom does remember but it is easier for her not to feel anything or confirm my feeling on the issue. She isn’t going to do any cardiac rehab, her choice! I think she is bipolar as everything I have read about the condition fits her. I have decided that when she is in one of her manic moods that I will not be around her. She is very selfish. She will never get help or take medication for it. It is hard to say these things about her but it is reality. I don’t mind being alone but I am lonely at times. I know that I need to meet people and join into activities and I am ready to take the leap. I have my Daughters and Grandson so I am not alone, but I am not their responsibility. I hold my own fate in my hands! I will be alright! I am still dealing with my Husband’s death, It has only been a little over 2 years. I think I’ve done pretty well! I know that I have to deal with any gambling urges as gambling would destroy me! I am working on myself!

[lizbeth4]

I spent the weekend alone. I reorganize some closets and cleaned. I was re-reading my last post. I am learning a lot about myself. I think that I am a very lonely person. A part of me is missing. I can’t wallow in the past. I need to move forward. I am in control of my life and what happens in it. I have had gambling urges as stress and conflict seem to bring the urges up. I haven’t gambled! I ordered lunch (chicken enchiladas) and I am going to read a new book.

[lizbeth4]

Last night was filled with nightmares of my cousin who molested me when I was 10 years old. I haven’t seen him in 20 years and that was at my Uncle’s funeral. I said something to my Mom about this earlier this year as the nightmares had started again. She said she never knew about the molestation. My memories of the incident was that she knew as we were there as a family having dinner at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s house. When my Sister was here helping with my Mom, we had a conversation about the incident. She remembered and said that I was right, our Mom was there. My Sister spent a lot of time at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s home and they decided that my cousin would never be left alone with us. It felt good to be validated! I guess my Mom thinks that everything will go away if she acts like nothing never happened. It won’t and it didn’t! I was a shy child and this took me further into my cocoon. I have a lot of trust issues with people. I’ve had problems forming lasting relationships. My Husband was the only person with whom I trusted fully and he never judged me. I told my Uncle and Mom about the molestation as soon as I got away from my cousin. I did what I was supposed to do and the incident was swept away and I was ignored. This has really impacted my life. I can see how many negative things occurred in my life as I had low self esteem and didn’t have a good bond with my Mom. I guess I felt, in a way that I didn’t matter as no one ever asked me about my feelings. It’s sad especially as a child to not feel safe because your parent doesn’t care. That might explain why I was closer to my Grandmother than my Mom. Anyways, today I took my Mom to the store and like usual she was cranky and mean. Anything I said she had something negative to say. I took her home and told her that I was going home. I couldn’t take her verbal abuse anymore. She asked if I was coming back. I wanted to say hell no! But I said no. She became mad!!! Oh well, now I will stay home all weekend. There are many things I want to do. I truly believe that my insecurities has fueled my gambling addiction. No more blaming. I am a adult and this is my life. I need to be responsible for my happiness not anyone else’s. I can love my Mom but not like her or her mean ways.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your post! There are no GA groups here. I have made the decision that after summer is over, I will do some volunteer work. There is a web site that I can go on. I ran into the woman whom I was going to take a interest course with and we had a long conversation. We are going to meet for lunch soon. I am going to have my Grandson spend part of next month with me so I don’t want to make any plans with volunteer jobs yet. Today was a very difficult one with my Mother. I took her for a follow-up appointment with her primary doctor. Afterwards she was in her mood (which she is in 75 percent of the time). She is mean, rude, and knows everything. She thinks she is a strong person but I perceive the way she behaves as being weak. She doesn’t know how to communicate so she tries to bully others with her bad behavior. Really sad and I refuse to put up with it anymore. I went home shortly after she started her shenanigans. I am not buying into it anymore! She has no grace. Anyways, the plumber was here for 4 hours. Everything is done and it cost less than I expected. I want to say that I feel bad for not contributing more to others threads here but I feel so tired lately (mentally). I do care.

[lizbeth4]

I took my Mom to her cardiologist appointment this afternoon and she is doing well. He wants to see her in 3 months. She can resume all activities in moderation in 2 weeks. I am not spending the nights with her anymore as she is getting around fine. If she needs anything done that she is unable to do, I do them during the day. Honestly, I am tired both physically and mentally. It is good to sleep in my own bed and be in my house. Tomorrow I have a plumber coming to replace a outside spigot that is leaking. Always something! I feel a little disconnected right now! I really feel like something is missing from my life. I need to figure out what! This week is busy with appointments but next week I am going back to the gym. I really miss it. I have had a few urges to gamble but I think it is because of my coping skills. I want to escape instead of dealing with my feelings. Today I thought a lot about my Husband. I sure do miss him. Sometimes you don’t realize what you had till it’s gone. I was very fortunate to have him in my life and I know that he knew how important he was to me. Some days are just a little harder than others.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your post! What a difference a day makes! My outlook today is much better! I am out of my funk. I took my Mom grocery shopping. She did pretty well. She had to sit on the bench and wait for me as she tired out. Next week is going to be busy as she has numerous doctor appointments and her little dog has a groomers and vet appointment. Tomorrow we are going to venture out to the dollar store. She is acting in a grateful way and that makes things easier for me mentally.

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