[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your post. My cardiologist appointment went well. My EKG is normal as is all my blood tests. I don’t have to go back for another year. I take 4 medications a day, for the rest of my life. I am not too happy about that but they keep my heart going! Since I don’t belong to a gym in the city, I will take advantage of my Daughter’s pool. Going to pick my Grandson up from karate camp soon. Hope that everyone has a great gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks P for your post! I had trouble sleeping last night. I haven’t really accomplished much today. I went to the post office and had my mail held till I get back from the city. I picked up lunch for my Mom and I and spent some time with her. I know she loves me but has a hard time showing it. She said that she was going to miss me while I was gone. Heading to the city tomorrow to my cardiologist (yearly) appointment then to my Daughter’s home. I will be there for 13 days, a long time. But, I will get my car serviced, visit with everyone and spend time with my Grandson. It is hot there but my Daughter has a pool which I will be using. Maybe I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I detest the traffic among other things when I go to the city. Funny as I spent most of my life there. Anyways, I had a few gambling urges today but overcame them. I thought of my finances and my debt and decided not to go there. Going to water my plants and pack. Have a great day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Angie. Sometimes when we are feeling low, we have to lower our expectations of ourselves and just accomplish a few things during the day. I understand what you are saying about feeling like a failure. You are not a failure. You are a CG. It took me a long time to realize that I had a disease. You still have the rest of your life before you. Make the best of it! Keep seeking support. Have a great day!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Jenna, That is great news that you received your settlement and were able to pay off your debts and put some in savings. Your life seems to be going in a positive path. Please watch the alone time, when your boyfriend is working. The gym is a great idea. Have you ever thought of GA meetings? Keep that in mind if the gambling urges start. Have a great gamble free day!!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Cat and Vera for your responses! I know how to shop for sales but I have been buying whatever I wanted not even caring about the price. Ridiculous! In the end it didn’t get me happiness I am glad that I am realizing this spending cycle before I dig too deep of a hole and can’t get out. I’m going to have some of my pension funds direct deposited to my savings account. No more compulsive spending on myself or other’s. Once the 2 loans I provide for relatives are repaid, no more loans. I am solely responsible for myself, I have no one to turn to for financial help. I need to learn my lesson. Also, I started back to the gym last week. I didn’t go when my Mom was recouping and couldn’t go. While I am in the city, I will swim and take evening walks. I have been overeating and weight more than ever. It needs to stop as I don’t want it to affect my health and I would feel better about myself. I am going to visit with friends, my sister, and I will see my youngest Daughter when I am in the city. Of course I will have time with my Grandson. I’m going to be alright. It feels like I am starting over. A fresh start!

[lizbeth4]

Today I am feeling a bit low and I have been reflecting on my situation. I refinanced the house. I have lowered the interest rates on my credit cards. I went over my finances and it reflects my carelessness over the last 12 months. I bought a lot of stuff that I didn’t need and charged items when I should have paid in cash. My personal demons about being a people person show in my finances also. I have charged many things for others. No one asked me to, I did it as a way to please them. I have 2 outstanding loans (relatives) that they are paying monthly payments to me. I stopped gambling but I am still using destructive behavior. I sat down and figured out a budget to pay off my debts and get this burden off of me. It was painful to do but most painful was that I am trying to buy others love and confirmation. In the end, I am the one who has to figure it out. I have no one to count on financially. I will get through this. It’s time to dig in and buckle down. It reminds me of when I gambled. I felt unworthy and down and I was punishing myself by being destructive. I am NOT going down that road again. I am getting myself out of this debt. When I get back from the city, mid August, I am going to volunteer somewhere, go back to church, and get a life for myself. I guess this is my wake up call that I don’t want to live this life anymore. It’s too stressful and non productive!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie! I am glad that you had family over. I always get tired and hungry after swimming. LOL!! I hope that you are having a good day at work! I was sad that you gambled but I know that you will get back on your feet. This disease sucks! It was nice of you to clean your Mom’s bedroom. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Yes Vera, my Daughter came to see me and didn’t want anything. It was a good visit. Thanks for keeping her in your prayers I will never give up hope. I had wished that they could of stayed longer. I was watering in the backyard and saw a deer walking in front of my house. Awesome. Going to the city in the morning to sign the papers for the refinance of my Daughter’s house. It will save a bundle.

[lizbeth4]

Today was good! I made a nice brunch for us. We took a ride in the Polaris. They spent time with my Mom. They just left to go home. Glad that everything turned out good. They didn’t ask me for anything.

[lizbeth4]

Well my Daughter and her boyfriend showed up yesterday afternoon. She did text me a couple of hours before. We had a good afternoon and evening together. In fact we stayed up till early this morning. I just woke and they are still sleeping. We will see what happens today!

[lizbeth4]

I just re-read my last post. I sounded very cold when I talked about my youngest Daughter and her addiction. It really is the opposite. I have learned to detach myself as it is very painful and can consume my life. Been there. I used to cry everyday and could barely function. I paid for motels, apartments, spent a lot of money. I thought that I was helping her but I was enabling her. Before she turned 18, I had her committed to a hospital rehab. She then attended a out patient program for 6 months. Within a few months of finishing the program she started using again. She has gone to support groups but hasn’t gotten real about treatment. Our family has no connection with her. I understand as who wants to be around the drama. I pray that one day she will accept treatment. I fear she may overdose or be hurt or killed. They didn’t show up at my place. I will see her next week.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Lost. I know you are under a lot of stress and uncertainty. I don’t know what you believe in. If possible, try to hand over to your higher power some of the stress so you can calm yourself a little. I am thinking of you.

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday evening my youngest Daughter (drug addict) called and wanted me to send money so her and her boyfriend could come and visit me. I am going to be in the city next week for 13 days. I planned to rent a motel room so she and I could spend some time together. She lives with friends and I don’t go inside the house as I don’t want to be in that environment. I told her no money. I haven’t heard anything from her but who knows if they will show up here. I bought her a used car a couple of months ago so she could get to and from work. Well that job lasted 1 month. I have enabled her by giving her money. I can’t do it anymore. I have to have peace. My offer for rehab is always on the table for her. She has to make that choice for herself. She has been addicted for years. Very sad! I went to the gym this morning. My legs hurt! My Mom and I went to a thrift store afterwards. I bought a interesting wood and leather box for $2. We had a nice lunch together. I came home and took a nap. LOL! I am sitting here hoping that my Daughter doesn’t show up. I love her to pieces but I just can’t deal with being around them for very long. You never know if they are high or coming down. It’s so hard to see someone you love and care for self destruct.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Bettie. I was glad to read your post as I was worrying about you. I am sorry that you are gambling. You know what to do (barriers) Stop before it’s too late and you can’t dig yourself out. What is happening in your life that is causing you so much pain? You have always been very inspirational to me. You helped me in my recovery. You deserve peace and happiness in your life. Bettie, take care of yourself. You are not a hypocrite. You are just in a bad place. We have all been there. I will be thinking about you.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Cat. I enjoyed reading your post! It’s hard to make changes in our lives. You will enjoy retirement and spending time with your Grandkids. I agree that most of us always want more and don’t appreciate what we have. I wake every morning and I feel gratitude for my health and life, my surroundings. We know that tomorrow we may not be here. I agree that things center around our inner peace. You are a awesome person. Thanks for your support.

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