[lizbeth4]

Velvet, Thanks for your post! I really needed some logical input today. All of my support comes from this site. I am alone. When I am going through difficult times, my own thoughts can make things worse. So, today I’m not going to think about my gambling aftermath. I’m going to just try to make my day as positive as possible.

[lizbeth4]

I can feel myself unraveling! I’m going into a deep depression. I’m filled with sadness and I feel very alone. The only support I have is here. I’m going to try and get outside today and get some sun. Otherwise I’ll stay in bed all day.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I believe we are all a little damaged. Some things are in our control, some aren’t. My kids and Grandkids are my life also. I’m just so tired! This addiction is so overwhelming and draining. I’ve never have felt revalent. I’ve always have had low self esteem. Many things in my life have contributed to these feelings. I think when you get older you aren’t so naive and you can see through the crap. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want the pain I feel to go away. But that’s not going to happen as I would never commit suicide. So, I have to continue on and try to make a more healthy life. I am in charge of my happiness. My interests: vegetable gardening, taking walks, fishing. I’m not a crafty/artsie person. Would like to be .

[lizbeth4]

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. I think that there are ways around barriers if you want to gamble bad enough. I found a way unfortunately. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been a unhappy person for many years. I feel that when I was dealing with people that I love addictions that I lost myself and my happiness. It started 13 years ago and included a infant, my Grandson whom we parented for 5 years. It changed me completely. A lot of pain and uncertainty, loneliness. Trying to keep a marriage together also..my Husband’s death. I don’t think I’ve dealt with things in a healthy way.
My whole world was turned upside down. Instead of learning, I jumped into addiction myself. I could have been a drug user, alcoholic, but I choose to be a gambling addict. Tears are falling now as this is so painful. Today, I was in the middle of family drama concerning my youngest Daughter. Believe it or not, my Mother and I are on the same page with this, only our approach is different. I’ve been through a lot of counseling through the years. There are 2 counselors in town. I’ve seen them both, multiple times. I feel like they are not knowledgeable about addictions. This week I have to deal with the aftermath of my slip. The overdraft fees, ect. I’m putting things into jeopardy. I think I can cover everything this month with my direct deposit on the 15th. I really didn’t want to wake up today. I’m ready to go on to the next life. But i woke up and have to face everything. I’m very miserable and unhappy. I never have found my niche or place in life. I have no passion. I need to live my life for me and find my happiness. I don’t want to go on like this.

[lizbeth4]

I found a way to gamble yesterday! Omg! I have the gambling hangover and I’ve further damaged my money situation. I can only blame myself. I am so scared right now. Why? I self destroy myself. As i-did-it stated in her post, I’ve missed a lot of opportunities because of my gambling addiction. I’ve done so much counseling, family, marriage and addiction. I’m not getting something. Today I just want to be free of the ties of my gambling mind. I hoped that I didn’t wake up this morning. I just wanted the pain to end. What kind of role model am I? Right now, I feel like a useless, horrible person.

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, Week 6-that’s amazing! Make today about you!!! You are deserving.

[lizbeth4]

Ugh!!!!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’ve struggled with negative thoughts. All of the what if’s and regrets and fears of the future. I know I have to stay my course and get through this. I managed to go grocery shopping and went over my budget as I needed baby supplies. I cleaned and finished laundry. My youngest Daughter is struggling. Her manipulative ex boyfriend and father of my Granddaughter is out of jail and calling her. She has broken up with her new boyfriend. I fear she will return to the city and him. He does drugs and cheats on her. I fear my Granddaughter will end up in a bad situation. Also that my Daughter will return to drugs. I can’t stop her as she is a adult. It’s enough to make one want to relapse. I’m staying strong and trying to be a positive influence for my Daughter. Oh, life can be hard!

[lizbeth4]

I had a good feeling moment yesterday evening. I recommended a guy who has done some hauling work for me to my friends who are renovating their home. He is supporting a Daughter and works 3 part time jobs. That’s a trade off for living in a rural area. They liked him and have a lot of work for him. They also gave him some furniture, like new. He text me, so appreciative and thankful. Just had to share.

[lizbeth4]

Laura, It’s good to see you posting. Sometimes it’s hard to be the patient as I remember when I had my heart attack and stent placement. I had to take it easy for awhile. My sweet Husband took care of me. I’m glad your family is there for you. May you find relief from pain. It’s alright to have a pity moment as you have been through a lot. Take care. It will get better!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Maverick. I hope everything is alright with you. Hope to see you post soon. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Laura, I hope you recover from your surgeries soon. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau. Have a nice time with your Grandchildren. Your Son sounds like a good man. I hope your tummy issues are diagnosed soon so you can get on medication and get under control. There’s nothing worse than having health issues. Have a,great weekend. Enjoy your Sunday lunch.

[lizbeth4]

I hope you are feeling better soon! Rest and take care.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post. I can’t compare my problems to yours. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m complaining while you are going through so much. I keep praying for you. Tonight I decided to give myself a little treat, a vegetarian pizza and side salad. Little things really lift my spirit. I did some socializing today. I went over to my friends new place that they are renovating. Tomorrow is cleaning and laundry day. Fun, not!!! My Grandson called and he has straight A’s again in school. I found room in my budget to buy a little something to send him. So precious but growing up too fast! No urges! But I know I will only be one step away from gambling. I don’t think you are ever cured. One day at a time!

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