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HI BL, I do understand what you mean but it does take a change of perspective to move away from the past. I always think the lying, betrayal etc feels to the wife/husband/partner almost like an affair, and they are left with similar trust issues, hurt and wondering what happened to the relationship. The difference is with the gambling it is not personal, they didn’t do it to hurt or to leave or to deliberately meet their own needs, there actions where symptoms of an illness.
Of course knowing this does not automatically take these feelings away so we ave to work on it and give it time. because of the gap I had in my own relationship I was able to work on these things outside the relationship which made it easier and I can imagine it is much harder to maintain the relationship whilst trying to ‘put to bed’ the past.
Remembering it wasn’t personal, seeing each day as a fresh start, and being able to talk it through with someone detached like a counselor will help, time will help most of all and of course your faith. No one can undo the past but you can start a new future. Sometimes I feel sad about all the years I missed out on having with my partner due to his gambling but at these times I just remember how lucky I am to have the loving relationship I have now. My partner and I have been through a lot and it has brought us closer, recovery has brought a new depth and meaning to our relationship but that is only possible by leaving the past behind. Today is a new day, live it and enjoy it, work on the feelings of the past but try not to live in it.
Things may never be the same as they were but they may well be better, deeper, more honest and without the secrets that used to prop up the relationship before. Be kind to yourself, Lily x
Hi Logic, I was thinking you must be back from your holiday and was wondering how you were doing? Hopefully you had a relaxing time and fun with the girls.
Lily xHi BL, I can really sympathize with your current feelings. In the past I have been through all these too and the other day i slipped back into these feelings for a couple of days and it was awful.
The way I deal with things is first and foremost I make sure I am protected financially this minimizes the stress as I now even if the worse did happen I would at least be secure. I also see a counselor who is great not only for putting things in perspective but to help me to work on myself and become a stronger in myself and better able to cope with my own feelings. As for the past it can never be made up for but by focusing on it too much it can come and spoil the present so I started off this period of recovery with a clean slate, I am building our relationship from today one day at a time. I say to myself he didnt gamble yester day, he didn’t gamble today so there is no reason to believe he will gamble tomorrow.
Its hard to put the past behind us and learn to trust again but it is essential to our recovery in the same way that a gambler has to accept that the money they lost is gone and he can’t win it back we have to accept that the time we spent during the addiction is gone and we can’t make them make that up to us, we can only be thankful that things have turned around and each day gamble free and with a partner who is able to fully engage is a bonus. Over time those one days will build into a block of time that we will have that has been good and positive and gamble free. Worrying never stopped someone from gambling so it is a waste of time better to spend time engaging in your own life and the things you enjoy.
I am glad you are reaching out to a suitable counselor and I am sure that will help enormously. There are also groups such as Gamon which you can go to for support from other family members as well as here of course. Be kind to yourself and live in the now taking one day at a time, Lily x
You said ‘She disagrees that CG are always broke. In her community of Vietnamese, there are raging CG who own homes, and successful companies. I wonder if there is a cultural angle on this’
Have you done any research into this or is it, as I suspect, what she has told you? Gamblers are good at making themselves an exception when still being led by the addiction. Lily x
Hi gvralls,
Like you I am in love with a compulsive gambler and he was very honest about this from the start when I met him 17 years ago. He tried to protect me from his addiction he explained to me that he ruined people who came into contact with he was bad news. we had a brief holiday romance (10 months) during which he kept me safe although many of our activities did revolve around gambling (which I never took part in). We remained friends and some years later he turned up on my doorstep wanting to quit, I supported him with this and helped him get residential treatment. Unfortunately he couldn’t at the time fully shake the addiction so we went our separate ways once more. Roll on another 7 years and we are back together, he is in recovery and we live separately but have a great relationship.
During all of these experiences it has only been the gambling that put a dampener on our relationship. Although it did affect his moods he has always tried to protect me from its fall out though, I believe that is because somewhere deep down he truly loved me even then (as much as a CG can). This has not been the case in all his relationships however and unfortunately the drive to gamble is number one 99% of the time and people do get taken advantage of.
Given your partners history, the fact you have children and your obviously superior financial position coupled with the fact she shows no desire to stop I would be VERY wary of this especially as she has already ruined at least one man.
Aside from all that you said:
‘Nguyen does, however, take take take and she thinks of herself first. I noticed that early on, and I see other commenters mentioning the same thing. The CG ruins the lives of those around him/her, then hits rock bottom only to focus all conversation around their problems not what they’ve caused others to suffer. It’s a dastardly addiction.’
Ask yourself why you would want to have a relationship with a woman who thinks only of herself? Even if she agreed to quit today it would be a long road, mine was 17 years. Someone who is starting treatment will not be the fun person you describe, it is hard work, there are lots of ups and downs, there are triggers to be avoided, lies to deal with, the relationship needs to be rock solid to survive.
I am lucky to have the man I feel in love with now ‘clean’ and emotionally in a good and giving place but there are a lot of restrictions that come with that too, protecting my money, being mindful and understanding and always keeping communication open. The relationship with a CG even in recovery has to be exceptional from both sides, they have to want to change for them, they have to be prepared to work on themselves and change and so do you.
Personally, I would take the great holiday and the great memories you have of the experience and back away. If there is more there perhaps like with me things will change in the future but of course it is up to you.
Lily x
Hi Angela, this must of been such a shock for you and I hope there is someone around you can talk to about it and get some support for you.
Your post is full of love and concern for your brother as well as a willingness to try and understand why he might of been attracted to gambling. As I am sure you realize though compulsive gambling is far more than finding gambling fun and spending more than you should, it is a true addiction that needs proper treatment, like at the place in Toronto you mentioned.
It sounds like you found this out by chance and he didn’t tell you, is that right? It also sounds like he is already in some trouble with it, losing his job etc so he will be feeling low, upset, ashamed, and afraid right now. I am assuming from the tone of your post you are quite emotionally close so I would suggest talking to him and asking him about it in a calm. no judgmental way much as you have done here and see where he is with it. Getting angry, accusational, or aggressive will not help. Now could be a good time to contact him if he is on a gambling low having lost all his money he may be more receptive to talking but remember only he can stop this, you can’t do it for him, if he is in denial or unwilling to seek help you can’t make him. No matter what the situation do not give him money or bail him out, this will only enable his gambling.
At ths time it is so important to look after yourself. Do not feel you have to keep his secrets or get drown in, you need to be able to talk to people if you need to.
Please keep posting and know this is a safe place for you to come and air your concerns and feelings. Lily x
Hi BL, so glad to hear that it has been a good week and to read your post so full of positivity. I am pleased things are moving forward for you. All I would say is don’t forget to keep working on you that way your happiness isn’t solely dependent on his. Lily x
다시 Sweepy, 안녕하세요. 저는 지난 게시물에서 그가 카지노, 마권업자, 온라인에서 스스로 제외(예: 금지)될 수 있다고 말하는 것을 잊었습니다. 당신에게 조금 더 안심을 제공합니다. 이제 그의(당신이 통제할 수 없는) 회복과 당신의(당신이 통제하는) 회복에 관한 것입니다. 릴리 엑스
Hi again Sweepy, I forgot to say in my last post that he can self exclude (ie get banned) from casino’s, bookies, and online, this will mean it is harder for him to gamble even if he does get access to money if he hasn’t already and give you a little more reassurance. Its all about recovery now, his (which you have no control over) and yours (which you do). Lily x
Salut à nouveau Sweepy, j'ai oublié de dire dans mon dernier message qu'il peut s'auto-exclure (c'est-à-dire être banni) des casinos, des bookmakers et en ligne, cela signifie qu'il lui sera plus difficile de jouer même s'il a accès à de l'argent s'il ne l'a pas déjà fait et vous rassurer un peu plus. Tout est question de récupération maintenant, la sienne (sur laquelle vous n'avez aucun contrôle) et la vôtre (ce que vous faites). Lys x
Olá de novo, Sweepy, esqueci de dizer em meu último post que ele pode se autoexcluir (ou seja, ser banido) de cassinos, corretores de apostas e online, isso significa que é mais difícil para ele jogar, mesmo se ele conseguir acesso a dinheiro se ele ainda não o fez e lhe dar um pouco mais de segurança. É tudo uma questão de recuperação agora, a dele (sobre a qual você não tem controle) e a sua (sobre a qual você tem). Lily x
Sveiki dar kartą, Sweepy, aš pamiršau savo paskutiniame įraše pasakyti, kad jis gali savarankiškai atsisakyti (ty būti uždraustas) iš kazino, bukmekerių ir interneto, tai reiškia, kad jam bus sunkiau lošti, net jei jis gaus prieigą prie pinigų, jei dar nepadarė ir suteiks šiek tiek daugiau nuraminimo. Dabar viskas susiję su atsigavimu, jo (kurio jūs nekontroliuojate) ir jūsų (ką darote). Lilija x
Ciao di nuovo Sweepy, ho dimenticato di dire nel mio ultimo post che può auto-escludersi (cioè essere bannato) da casinò, allibratori e online, questo significa che è più difficile per lui giocare anche se ha accesso al denaro se non l'ha già fatto e ti dia un po' più di rassicurazione. Riguarda il recupero ora, il suo (su cui non hai alcun controllo) e il tuo (che fai). giglio x
Hallo weer Sweepy, ik vergat te zeggen in mijn laatste bericht dat hij zichzelf kan uitsluiten (dwz verbannen worden) van casino's, bookies en online, dit zal betekenen dat het moeilijker voor hem is om te gokken, zelfs als hij toegang krijgt tot geld als hij nog niet heeft gedaan en u wat meer geruststelling geeft. Het draait nu allemaal om herstel, zijn (waar je geen controle over hebt) en de jouwe (wat je wel doet). Lelie x
Hei igjen Sweepy, jeg glemte å si i mitt siste innlegg at han selv kan ekskludere (dvs. bli utestengt) fra kasinoer, bookies og online, dette vil bety at det er vanskeligere for ham å gamble selv om han får tilgang til penger hvis han har ikke allerede gjort det, og gir deg litt mer trygghet. Det handler om utvinning nå, hans (som du ikke har kontroll over) og din (som du gjør). Lily x