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Hi Carmen,
You are one smart cookie, Reading your post reminds me very much of someone working out their husband is having an affair. While some may disagree with your tactics you trusted your instincts and got to the bottom of what is going on. No doubt at all your partner is a compulsive gambler.All of the things you say about him not opening up, not wanting to talk about these major traumatic events in his life are fairly typical of many CG’s. They escape in to gambling because they can not deal with emotions, it becomes their go to place in times of trouble or high emotion. It often starts young and gets worse without treatment. My partner ended up in some very dark places after doing it for many years and lost enough to buy several houses. However recovery is possible, it can’t be ‘cured’ but it is possible for a CG to go on for decades, indeed the rest of their lives without another bet if they are willing and able to keep working on their recovery, my partner is testament to this now in recovery after 30+ years. It has been a long hard road however and neither of us will ever be able to be complacent about the fact he is in recovery still and always will be.
What really shines out of your post is your love for one another, it must be so hard for you right now and you must feel like you are teetering on the edge, not knowing which way you will fall. I am sure you have a lot of conflicting emotions, fears and uncertainties and I know from my experiences I felt betrayed because of the lies, especially when you have a very close relationship as you obviously do.
So where do you go from here? That is very much up to you but it is really important you get help and support for yourself, you are going to be the best and strongest you you have ever been which ever way it goes. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this honestly? A trusted friend or family member?
As far as your partner goes he is going to need professional help and in London he is well placed for support from Gordon Moody or the drop in in Soho, there is also the forum here and the helpline as a starting point. But and this is a big but (which you have already alluded to) he needs to want to stop, as you say you can’t make him.
If you are going to stick around (and there is no judgement here either way I can assure you, I have left myself and come back once a true recovery was under way) then the best thing you can do is to create a feeling of safety so he feels able to talk when he is ready. Knowing there is no judgement, seeing you remain calm and in a state where you can listen will encourage this. He will be used to lying, it will be the norm, he will be ashamed and his self esteem will be low, his debts may well be totally out of control and beyond what you know, it is obvious this has been going on a while, they will seem unsurmountable, he will believe the only way he will get out of them will be the next big win. In short he will feel afraid, unworthy and vulnerable, he will need to know he can trust you. Accusations and threats do not work (been there done that) neither do ultimatums, do not give them unless you are prepared 100% to see them through.
Things you can do to help: be a listening ear, let him know help is out there if he wants it, let him know he is not alone, that he is loved but do not enable. By this I mean don’t bail him out financially, lie for him, cover for him with friends and family.
Above all protect yourself. Your partner is an active CG, the addiction completely controls him, it will whisper in his ear and make him do and say things that he wouldn’t if it wasn’t there. It will try and distance people he loves especially those who can see it for what it is, it can make otherwise honest people to do deceitful and even criminal things to feed it. So make sure you keep your finances separate, get plenty of support for yourself, keep your own life your work, friends and hobbies active and don’t let it control you like it is him.
I hope some of this makes sense and that I haven’t been to brutal? I have been very direct with you because I can see you are a straight talker and that you do have some idea what its all about already. Please come back to me if you don’t understand or need more answers and keep posting. There is great support on here and although the guidelines are always the same, we all have a slightly different approach depending on our own experiences and personality.
Lily xHi Peanut,
Good to see you posting again. Firstly please don’t apologise about giving too much detail as Velvet said it actually helps to know the detail so people can be specific and relevant in their responses.Secondly as to your comment about wondering if he gambled because you made him unhappy, he gambled because he is a compulsive gambler. No one can make anyone anything, happiness comes within, ability to cope comes from with in often people with this addiction have not been given the tools they need to be happy or to cope so they get into a pattern of distracting themselves from anything highly emotional or difficult by gambling, it is like creating a diversion for themselves. After a while it becomes so habitual that they will almost make excuses to do it, the more they do it the more fall out there is to deal with, then they gamble to escape the feelings associated with that, guilt shame etc.
This brings me on to your next question ‘can a gambler give up just like that?’ The answer is no, it is really tough. They have to first get away from the temptation by self excluding etc, having their money strictly controlled, the people around them to stop enabling then they need to get help, find out their triggers, the reasons behind them and learn new ways of dealing with their emotions in the future (positive emotions can also be a trigger for some), But before all of this and most importantly they have to want to stop.
When you find out your partner or husband is a CG, that they have lied to you, that they are maybe blaming you it feels very much like when someone has had an affair. It can damage yourself esteem, it can feel as if you are to blame, it can feel as if you were not good enough or didn’t do enough to stop them, it may leave you feeling angry, hurt lost or confused. These feelings can be hard to get past and it is important you have support from friends, family and ideally a qualified counselor. It is important to take care of yourself and be able to move forward, you can’t make them recover but you can take charge of your own recovery and in turn that may help them but most importantly it will help you.
Be kind to yourself Lily x
Lovely to see you Red. You didn’t hog at all and I’m sorry you are having such a hard time with your son at the moment.
Lily x
Hi again Peanut,
It sounds like you have been through a lot and still have a lot to deal with. I know you feel broken now but things will get easier I promise. First of all, you are a long way from home by the sound of it, do you have any support for you in Las Vegas? Has the situation left you in a finicial difficulties? If so these are the things you need to sort out first. Focusing on what you can do to help you will really help at this time.
As for all that has happened with you and your (ex) husband, even without knowing if there were any other issues in your relationship I can tell you he has left because of the addiction. Active Cg’s have problems with commitment, they have low self esteem, and the lengths they go to in order to gamble leave them racked with guilt which makes it hard for them to maintain close relationships. All of these things would almost certainly leave him running scared at the thought of extra commitment.
He may be taking time out to concentrate on his own recovery or he may not want you around because you will be in the way of his gambling, you may never know but which ever it is he probably text you it being over rather than have to deal with the emotional fall out, active Cg’s are often using the addiction because they do not know how or just have too much damage to deal with emotional situations. In order to get control over the addiction (they will never be cured) they need to get professional help, and therapy to deal with the route causes, in your Cg’s case you have already alluded to the possible sources of the problem.
It is important to remember that it is not your fault. 17 years ago I met a man who I fell madly in love with, we got on great in every way and had a blissful 10 months together. He told me he was a Cg and I often saw him gamble but never really realised the seriousness of this. One day out of the blue he ended it telling me he didn’t love me. I was devastated but you can’t make someone love you so I reluctantly moved on but we remained friends at a distance. 8 years later he popped up again, after years of gambling and a prison sentence he was in such deep trouble he was fearing for his life. I took him, helped access therapy, he told me he had loved me all along but that was not enough to stop him gambling even whilst in treatment and we broke up again. Once again I was devastated and thought too that I was broken but I came to this forum and was advised to take care of me which is what I did. I looked at myself, found what I enjoyed and what fulfilled me and became a much better and more well rounded person.
Unbeknown to me my CG did the same and after 7 long years of battling he managed to go into a strong recovery and got back in touch. We are now back together and have a great relationship but none of that could of happened without us both letting go and working on ourselves.
Anyway I digress, the point was he tells me that 17 years ago when he told me he didn’t love me he thinks he really did deep inside but a CG with a deep addiction has no room for love, they are full of addiction, they do not know what they feel themselves. He thinks it was a mixture of trying to protect me and not wanting someone getting in the way of his gambling that made him push me away back then. Whatever it was I know he needed the space for his recovery and I needed the space for mine in order for us to have the relationship we now have. I also know that if he had not begun true recovery and not returned I would have been ok because I had worked on myself and my life to make it what I wanted, he was just the icing on the cake.
There is no way of knowing what will happen in the future and there is no guarantee your husband will make a recovery (although probably far more likely in Hawaii than in Las Vegas I would imagine!) but that doesn’t mean you will not have a happy and fulfilling life. Stop blaming yourself and ignore him blaming you (far easier to blame you than explain his gambling problem to all and sundry). By all means tell him you love him still but I would accept his decision at this stage and get on with looking after you. Whether he comes back or not you need to be the strongest, most complete version of yourself you can be to have a happy life and once you are you may not even want him in your life any more anyway, who knows?
Do keep posting and tell us about your recovery, there is always someone hear willing to listen and support you. Lily x
Hi peanut, I have so much I want to say to you but do not have time to write a considered post right now however I wanted you to know I had read and understood and will write as soon as I can. The one thing I really want to say is it is not your fault, it really isn’t. I will be back in touch as soon as I can, rest assured you are not ignored or forgotten, Lily x
Hi Logic, well done on the second interview, great news! Velvet has written you such a great reply and I love her analogy about the seed. I still think your CG is looking for the right place for that seed to land however and being blown about in the wind right now. It really does take seeking helping from outside to dig down and really start to move forward.
I made so many mistakes dealing with those early says although from time to time my CG will come back to me and say you know that really helped when you said blah blah. He said the other day that I was the first person who had a proper conversation about his gambling and really listened and that that all those years ago had stayed with him. I don’t actually remember the conversation myself but I think it was in a period when we were ‘just’ friends and so it would of been non judgmental and without a vested interest or desire to fix him so that is probably what made the difference. I think really listening and trying to understand their perspective even if it makes no sense to us non-cg’s is the key.
Lily x
Hi BL, lovely to hear you sounding so positive and you are absolutely right – he is doing what you need him to do, recovering and being the father and husband you need him to be. It takes time but take comfort in the fact it all seems to be moving in the right direction for him, you and your family. One day at a time, Lily x
HI Lost,
My partner is a compulsive gambler now in recovery after 30 years. All I can say is the worse thing for a partner is being lied to, worse than the lose of money, worse than anything. I can not tell you how she will react if you tell her, obviously she will be upset but I do believe from my own experience and talking to other partners that finding out that you have lied to her (and she will) will be far worse. You could perhaps tell her and ask her to take care of your money, this will both protect your finances and show her you are serious about wanting to get help?You will not get out of this addiction on your own so seeking help now would be a good idea, on here is a good start but there is also GA, counseling etc. My partner tells me that it wasn’t until he learned to talk about his issues (both gambling and not gambling related) that he started to truly enter recovery.
As for the debts, there is no quick or painless fix but there are places you can go for this and it can be managed. My partner is not debt free but he is managing his debts now and they are no longer the huge burden they were. I can’t tell you how hopeless his situation has seemed at times but things are now completely turning around, it is possible.
I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your thread and I if you manage today without gambling, that’s got to be the place to start. Lily x
It is great to hear you doing the things that you need to do in your life. As you say moving forward yourself is a great example but also strengths you and will help you cope with whatever life throws at you. It really seems as if your holiday has done you the power of good. Good Luck with the interview, let us know how it goes. Lily x
Hi Red, I missed the group last week as I was busy with my son but hope to see you tonight for a catch up if you are in? Lily x
Hi Logic, so glad you had a good holiday and managed to (mostly) but your concerns about your cg to one side, baby steps in the right direction for you both by the sound of it.
I am sure that I don’t have to tell you that having ‘little bets’ isn’t possible for a CG and it will always come back and bit them on the bum! However I am glad he is enjoying things outside of gambling more and able to treat you (hopefully not from his ‘winnings’). Realising all the positive in their lives and rekindling and deepening personal relationships can really help with moving forward so fingers crossed. I have to ask though if he hates gambling and wants to give it up then why is he entertaining it still?
I hope you will be able to stay in the ‘zone’ after your holiday and worry a little less and enjoy your life a little more. Have a good date night and keep taking care of YOU. It was a long hard road for me and my CG but it was only by making the right (though often hard) choices for me that the relationship is where it is now which tbh is far more than I ever would of expected back then. Lily x
Oh I have just seen you have already had a post from Geordie saying all I said while I was writing! Sorry for the repetition . Lily x
Hi Lawrence, It is really lovely of you to post on Jane’s thread and give the perspective from the ‘other side’. It sounds like you have had a rough time and are keen to recover, it is good to see you reaching out. You might find it helpful to also post your own thread on the gamblers forum to get support for you if you haven’t already.
My partner is in recovery now after 30+ years of gambling, he too started young like you and resorted to stealing and went to prison more than once. It took time and support from the residential program but he has been clean now for months and if he can do it anyone can so there is always hope. Take care and well done for looking at your own addiction and trying to change. Lily x
Hi Tara, you haven’t posted in a while and I wondered how you were doing? Lily x