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I read your other post too (some times it is better to stick to one post unless there is a dramtic change as otherwise people don’t know where to post or have missed parts of the story). Firstly, well done for managing the money, I know what a nightmare that can be and all the different ways you may be asked or tricked into giving them the money and how much it can wear you down. Was it his idea or yours to manage the money?
From what I read you pay the bills and his other expenses out of his wages and he then has the rest to spend on what he will, is that right? Then when has spent all that he comes to you and asks for a lend right? Do you see that when ‘lend’ the money for cigarrettes you are actually giving him more money to gamble? He knows he can spend all his money and then come to you for more for essentials so freeing up more money for gambling.
The only way to stop gambling is to stop, it is not something that can be controlled even ‘dry’gambling ie watching gambling or playing not for money, feeds the addiction.
Has he said he wants to get help? You can not make him, he has to want to otherwise no matter how good the help is he will just be going though the motions.
Can you find a way to make yourself less physically and emotionally available to him? Do you have any hobbies or interests, family you can visit or things you can do with your little one like going swimming or similar? This will give you some head space and time for you and make you less available to be nagged for money. If you can be conssistant and not give in to the requests for money then he may come to realise that is a pointlesss exercise but while he knows you find it hard not to then he will keep asking.
I really do feel for you and always say to f&f that a decision to manange the money although necessary is not one to be taken lightly, its hard, just rememeber you are doing it in his best interests whatever he may have to say about it.
Please keep posting and try a find some time for you, Lily x
Its so easy to get sucked back in if you are still mentally available and it so hard not to remain so when you love someone. I have found if you fill your mind with other things and I am not talking clutter here, I am talking things you love, things that make You feel good, then it is much harder to be led back to a negative situation like this. You know enough to know he is not going to of gone into recovery over night and that he is likely missing his crutch, the stops him hitting rock bottom, that crutch is you. The problem until he has hit rock bottom he will have no desire to change, any abstinances will be because he is out of cash as time goes on and urgers get stronger he may resort to less legal means to get the money (although not all do).
It may be for you the only way to give yourself a little perspective is to put that physical distance between you, being there for them and being full of the drama that creates and the urge to save can become just as much of an addiction to us as the gambling is to them. Leading by example, consitancy and not allowing the addiction to permiate our lives is the best thing we can do for them and is the best thing for us too. I know you know this and I think that is one of the reasons you are making this move but much like with your partner and his abstinance being conditional on him having no money and not being true recovery, you not slipping back into old patterns can not be solely reliant on distance alone. But if you find that thing whether it be running, horse riding, dressmaking, scuba diving or whatever that makes your heart sing and gives your life joy and purpose, then it will help you on to the road to recovery and thinking about the situation differently.
I am struggling to find the time to post regularly at the moment but I am thinking of you you can be sure, Take care of YOU, Lily x
Hi Logic,
How are things? I hope you are finding lots of time for you ad not dwelling on what your partner may or may not be doing, you really deserve to have a good life, to be kind to yourself and to love you as much as you love and care for others. Have you moved yet, when does the new job start? It can’t be long now? Thinking of you, Lily xxI read your post a while back and it’s been on my mind and I have been wanting to reply but ‘life’ has been getting in the way. However I am here now and I hope you are still reading as there is so much in your post I can relate to.
My partner also went on a residental program eight years ago although in those days it was a much longer one. We split up during the program as I really felt he was not engaging with it and still gambling. He carried on writing for a while and I watched his progress from a far. We are now back together and he is strong in his recovery and I have seen a really change in him although I am grateful for the time we had apart to focus on our own recoveries.
Being with a CG is demanding, however sympathetic to the persons condition they are not easy to be around, they lie, they cheat, they have ups and downs, hopes are raised and then dashed, it is a traumatic experience. I think when they go in for treatment it is a big sigh of relief and I know that my focus was all on getting that treatment and I had not thought beyond that much more than ‘then everything will be alright’. However treatment is just the start. Treatment gives them a bag of tools to use, it is up to them to use them and that does not always come straight away. If I compare it to say a person being given a bag of carpenters tools, that does not make him a carpenter, he has to practice using them, he has to understand how to use them and he has to above all want to use them.
To take the analagy futher for person out of treatment everyone is looking at him saying you are a carpenter now, fix this, make that and that is daunting, he may get it wrong, what if he can’t mend it or breaks it completely? He just needs time and space to practice as the weight of expectation can way heavily but at the same time he wants to prove he can do it and he wants people to believe in him. Having past mistakes pointed out to him will only knock his confidence and remind him of his current lack of skills in using those tools. Of course not everyone makes it to be skilled at using the tools, some give up before they start, some find it too hard, some try for a while and get frustrated and stop seemly trying for a while but they are there any time they wish to open the bag and eventually that bag of tools may become as much an everyday part of life as bread and water to them, they will use those tools without even thinking about them.
The point is leaving the security of a residential setting and going back into the world is challanging, they may need space, they made need time, this may mean we need to back away a little or even a lot while they work it out. It is not a time for discusion about the past, that may come with time but at the moment it is about taking eaach day as it comes. It is about focusing on your own recovery from the trauma and heartache you have endured. I would strongly recomend you either get a counsellor or join a support group where you can air all the feelings you are having and concentrate on you. He will not be there for you at present, he has to focus on his own recovery and that will take time.
There is of course always the possibility that the treatment will not work, that he will not use the bag of tools, he will close the bag and never go into it again but this is even more reason to concentrate on yourself, doing what you enjoy, finding people you can trust to talk things out with, all these things will make you strong enough to move forward with your own life regardless of what happens with his recovery, you will be better equipted to deal with the ups and downs and to see things as they are.
No it is not acceptable to be disrespected or to feel you are being belittled but if you can work through the problems of the past and participate in your own recovery you will be able to see these things more clearly for what they are and whether they are a scared man trying to assert himself in a way he never has before and getting it wrong or a man who underneath the gambling is not for you.
If your partner is or does go into true recovery then at some point there will be open communication about the past, its part of recovery but this is not the time for it and I know thats hard to hear, you were the wronged one weren’t you? The thing is it is such a delicate time, many gamblers have used the addiction to cover their feelings and cope with emotional stress for many years and these new feelings are hard to cope with and on top of that often urges, temptation and other peopes expectation can make it ffeel like an impossible task and they may think whats the point?
Seeing less of your partner and perhaps having time set aside to make new happier memories may help you move forward, I would suggest you shelve your questions for now and find a release elsewhere for you to express your feelings about the past, quality not quantity is the key when spending time together. There are no certainties, you may grow together or you may grow apart but as long as you are both growing you will both be ok together or apart. You have no control over his recovery, neither are you responsible for it but you can concentrate on your own and I know from my own experiences that is the best gift I have ever given myself and I now have my own set of survival tools that mean I can cope with anything life throws at me.
I hope some of this makes sense and please do come back with any questions, I am sure as well you will have other responses from different perspectives, take care of yourself, Lily x
Sorry its been a while…….
You have been really brave logic and I know you find it so hard to step back but as V said you can start your new life now. It is not about physical distance it is about a different way of seeing things. You deserve a happy life, you deserve kindness and if you are not going to give these things to yourself who is? Two unhappy people do not make anything better, being your best you can be is always going to be the best thing because one happy, stable person has to be better than none. Nothing is ever determinant and things will change you can help them change in the right direction by looing after yourself. The walk sounded lovely, I prescribe more of the same. Royal Ascot plays no part in your life, dreading these occasions will make no difference to the outcome so why not just mentally burn the racing calender?I always liked this quote ‘Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control over what you do have power over instead of crazing control over what you don’t.’ Lily x
Hey Logic, so happy to come back and read your news. What a remarkable woman you are that in the midst of the gambling chaos you went and got a great new job and made steps to change your life for the better, really well done.
You will now be near friends and family and have more support for you, as Velvet says the shake up may change things for your CG, one things for sure that nothing was going to change by you staying where you were.
I hope things go smoothly for you, stay strong, you are doing great, Lily x
Hi Red, I am off on holiday tomorrow but just wanted to leave you a little message to say I am thinking of you. I was really saddened by what you told us in the group last night and it is so important you take care of you especially at this time. You are likely to be very vulnerable at this time so please take some time out if you can, time away from big decisions or pressure to make them.
Thinking of you especially will be tomorrow when I know you have such a difficult day. I wont be in the group on Thursday as will still be away but I will check in on the forum on my return to see how you are doing.
Take care of you, you deserve it, Lily xx
I am off on holiday tomorrow but it was good to catch up with you in the group and I wanted to leave you a post before I left. I have had my partner here until Wednesday which is why I haven’t had a chance to respond before but I can see you have been well supported.
As Velvet and Vera have already said there are no quick fixes or easy outcomes, loving a CG is full of difficult choices. I know you have read my posts and know the many years of struggle we have had and don’t forget my partner was already aware and voicing to me the depth of his addiction when I met him yet it was years before he sought help and then only when he got into a situation where he felt his life was in danger and with a lot of pressure from both myself and his Mum, even after getting that help it was years again before he could use the tools he has been given.
A CG does not just wake up one morning, admit he has a problem, seek help and be cured but I know you know this. It is hard to accept. I used to think if only the gambling was sorted things would be perfect. In truth I am glad it took my CG time to recover and we had space from each other, he needed it, I needed it too for my recovery.
Without us both turning ourselves inside out and looking at all the deep dark corners we would not have the relationship we have today. I am proud of him for the work he put in and I am also proud of me. We are two strong independent people who chose to be together but would also be fine apart, it is now a healthy relationship.
It is very true what Velvet said about the change in a person after they enter recovery. In the old days my CG was a villain and a tough guy, the was also charming and charismatic, he had that edge of danger. These days he is a big softy, he jokes about getting old and boring and is a lot less unpredictable. All the things he was in the past excited the old me, it is only that I have grown myself that means I now much prefer the new him. Equally I was far more volatile and unpredictable myself, I was temperamental and emotionally dependent on him. If one of us had changed without the other the reconciliation never would of worked. If he had not changed his recovery would not be continuing. If I had not changed I would still be falling for the same type of man he used to be.
The best thing you can ever do is work on you for you, we always say about a CG ‘they have to want to’ this equally applies to us, we have to really want to grow and change and move forward, it can be scary, it can mean leaving people behind, it is a leap of faith but I can tell you doing what is best for you is always the right thing to do. Being strong is about looking after you it is not about being a constant receiver of someone else’s problems without complaint or showing distress, it took me a long time to learn this!
I have to go as I have lots of packing to do but I will be thinking of you and hope to hear great news about your job when you get back. Lily xx
I am glad the F&F Cycle post was of use, we all need reminders sometimes, posting here is mine and I find more and more I read on the my journal too. Reading there it reminds me how far my partner has come. It is funny all these people with unique personalities all with the same excuses for why they are still gambling, all speaking with one voice – that of the addiction. There is always that one favorite they don’t want to miss, the sure thing, the tip or the sign that their luck has changed or the reason they were driven to it and just found themselves in the bookies again followed by the awful realization that they have been hoodwinked by their addiction and lost everything yet again…
Things do filter through though, drip by drip if a CG is moving towards acceptance of their addiction. I don’t believe words are wasted and I think less is more with time in between for those words to filter through.
So…Big day today! I really hope the interview goes well. As I said in my earlier post doing what you need to do for you is about stepping back into your true self not about moving away from him, I think ultimately it can take the pressure off the CG to know that another person has not been messed up by his addiction, they tend to carry a lot of guilt and regret around which erodes self confidence and self worth and makes recovery even harder. Doing what is right for you to build a good, positive life and make you stronger and happier can only ever be the right thing to do.
My partner is coming down on Sunday and really looking forward to seeing him, its been two weeks since his last visit.
I hope you have a lovely weekend with your family and time out to focus on you, there is nothing wrong with a bit of me, me, me sometimes! Enjoy your me time and all the best with your interview, Lily xHi I have only just been able to bring up the post it is called the f&f cycle and is by velvet. It will be the post below this now x
Unnskyld. Plutselig sluttet å la meg legge ut så jeg ikke kunne ta det opp før
Anteeksi. Yhtäkkiä lakkasin antamasta minulle viestiä, jotta en voinut tuoda sitä esiin aiemmin
Atvainojiet. Pēkšņi pārstāju ļaut man ievietot ziņas, lai es nevarētu to iepriekš izrunāt
Désolé. J'ai soudainement arrêté de me laisser poster pour que je ne puisse pas l'aborder avant
Îmi pare rău. Dintr-o dată, am încetat să mă mai las să postez, așa că nu am putut să-l aduc în discuție înainte