[lily]

Hi BL, that really is a big change. Do you feel ready and able to have him back? Have you talked about how finances will be managed?

It sounds like you are putting yourself and your children first which is really good, it also sounds like he is working on himself and taking positive steps toward recovery.

I am glad the family has found an something you can all participate in (ie church).

Do you have a time scale/plan worked out for the move back in?

I hope it all works out well, take your time and be sure you are both ready and do keep us updated. Lily x

[lily]

hi JayKay, I almost never post over here although I do pop over from friends and family to read posts and try to better understand gambling addiction, but your post hit a few cords with me.

My partner is about 14 weeks into recovery and although it is one of many I am confident that this time he really could do it, he is doing it every day. Despite the many relapses I do trust him, not even necessarily not to ever relapse but to tell me if he did and to get back in control again. I have not felt this way before and I think that is all down to our level of communication.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you felt like you had to prove yourself to your fiance and that that was hard for you. Trust is easy to lose and hard to gain back but in my experience the key to it this time has been him telling me everything, even when it is hard, even when he has messed up, even about how he may of lied to me in the past, even that he can’t guarantee he won’t again. When he tells me these things I know he is being real. If you are having ‘twinges’ my advice would be don’t be afraid to share or even ask for help, open communication is the key to not just gaining trust but beating this horrible addiction.

As you say in your original post no one who hasn’t gone through this addiction will ever truly understand it an equally no one who hasn’t lived with someone they love with this addiction will ever know how that feels. It sounds like you are doing well but if you do feel like you are ever struggling there is no shame in asking for help or having your money taken care of, and the very fact you are asking will help to gain the trust of those around you.

The best way to prove anything to yourself is to succeed, the means to getting there are less important. Wishing you all the best, Lily x

[lily]

Hi Michelle, I noticed you haven’t been back and posted and update and wondered how things are going? I can only imagine how stressful things must be for you and I hope you are getting support for you.

As awful as the situation is it could prove to be a catalyst for your partner to get the help he needs, for many it takes hitting rock bottom to shock them into admitting and starting to deal with their problem.

Has any more action been taken? Is your partner taking any steps towards getting treatment?

Please do keep posting, there is always some here willing to support you. lily x

[lily]

Hi Redare
Yes it will be a tough week for many this week. The amount of advertising about it is sickening. Unfortunately though gambling is ever present. The worse thing is the poorer the area the more bookies there are, it really does seem to prey on the desperate or those already in a downward spiral due to addiction. All we can do as friends and family is be mindful and have our eyes open but keep on nurturing and caring for ourselves so we remain strong and don’t let the addiction drag us down too. Take care Lily x

[lily]

Hi Logic, my partner was 33 when I first met him (17 years ago)and and been gambling since his mid teens and already up to his neck in problems. He admitted his problems but had no real desire to change and I think pushing me away was in equal parts trying to protect me and leaving the door open for him to gamble.

You partner may be verbally in denial but the fact he is asking you to care for his money is an admission and through is family he is aware of where it might lead. Managing money though is not solving the problem, it a management strategy, you can only hope by being forced to look at his finances more closely he has to face the extent of the problem and will eventually agree to help. My partner was very resistant to getting help even after saying he wanted to stop for the same ‘reasons’ your partner has sited. I insisted he got help if he wanted to continue the relationship but he didn’t fully engage with program until after we split up about half way through treatment and has only gradually started using the tools they gave him there effectively recently. The money management he now has and the fact it is tied to his work (and his boss is no push over) has been the key to his recent change in attitude however and has helped him break the cycle.

I think you are very wise to put off moving in together, it would be good if he could get a place away from his family under the circumstances though.

I am sure I don’t need to tell you that the drink/gamble situation is not a good one and far more difficult to give up gambling when your will power and decision making abilities are clouded by drink or drugs. No surprise though that they often go hand in hand.

I have to go now but great to see you posting and reading and learning, knowledge is our best tool against this horrible addiction.

Keep up the good work, Lily x

[lily]

Hi Logic, what a great post, I can see you have really thought things out and you are taking the steps you need to protect yourself and learn about what you are up against.

I am not sure how old your partner is or how long he has had the problem, it tends to be an escalating problems so the longer it has been going on the more ingrained it becomes, the bigger the losses, the more desperate the actions to get money. My CG had a long term addiction and had been to prison more than once before I met him and had his life threatened more than once for debts too. He attempted for many, many years to fight the addiction but it has only been in recent years he has started to really get any kind of handle on it and this is the first time I really feel he has changed his attitude sufficiently for me to believe he really can beat it.

It is great that your CG has asked you to handle the money, it shows he does want to change. It is something you need to think about hard, if you have a long term relationship with him and end up moving in together as you have mentioned you may well always have to manage the money long term.

Money to a gambler is like drugs to a drug addict or cigarettes to a smoker, it is the means to feed the addiction. It needs to keep away from them, My CG has his boss keep his wages now aside from a small weekly budget and this has been a massive part of his recovery. He can get the other money when he needs it but has to have a 24 hour cooling off period and a good reason before his boss will give it to him. He has told everyone he knows that if he comes to them wanting money in a hurry whatever emergency he comes up with it will really be for gambling and not to hand it over. It is a relief not to have to care for his money at the moment, although in the future I may have to take the reins again but that would be further into recovery so hopefully I wouldn’t have the constant requests for it as I did before.

My advice would be to sit down and work out a budget with him, ideally paying as many things as possible direct so he doesn’t have the cash, limit cash to what he really needs ie bus fairs or petrol, coffee money etc and give it to him daily rather than weekly. It can cause a strain in the relationship because it shifts the power to you which some males find rather hard from a partner plus he may try to get money for things outside of budget which can be very stressful and it can feel like a real responsibility ie if you get it wrong you feel to blame. Best explained to him in advance that you will not be doing this and the reasons why. I would suggest you open a separate account ideally in your name for him to put the money in that he has no cards too or else he puts the money in your account and you transfer a small budget into his each day/week. Never bail him out if he messes up, that includes things like paying for food or petrol if he blows his budget, if he know you will do this he always has that option.

No one would chose this life for themselves, it is a horrible, stressful and lonely place to be I am sure but it is so hard to get out of the trap and he will need some kind of help. Forgive me if you have answered this before but does he have any specialist support such as GA? If he is seriously wanting to get on top of it I can highly recommend the Gordon moody residential program, it is hard for them to be away for so long but it could be a good transitional step for him if there was a place and he was willing. It be possible for him to move from his family home to there and do the work before moving in with you if that is still the plan. Of course there would be no point in that unless he was really committed to it and places are always in short supply.

It is a big step and a huge commitment to support a CG through to recovery and not something to be taken lightly. You need to be sure of how you really feel about that person and that the only issues in the relationship are that gambling. You also need to be sure who you are and be prepared not only to grow and change but accept through recovery they will also change and grow. Most of all you have to be fully aware that you can’t do it for them, that they may not be ready to put themselves through recovery, that they may never be ready.

Lastly remember it his life is his life and you are only responsible for your life. Sure you can help and support him as a partner but don’t make his ups and downs your ups and downs, take care of your life and what you need day to day and in the longer term.

Hope some of this is useful/makes sense Lily x

[lily]

HI Logic,
Thanks for reading my thread. Yes, things are good at the moment between my CG and I, in many ways it is a bit of a fairytale but like all good stories it has been hard fought and gruesome at times, has required courage, determination and has tested us to our limits at times, the 7 years we spent apart is testament to this.

Our story is different to yours because my partner told me when we first met (working holiday romance) 17 years ago he was a CG, he has never lied to me about having a problem although he has lied to me about when he has gambled. He pushed me away at first trying to keep me safe but I think it was the fact my life was so different and my complete lack of interest in gambling that kept bringing him back to me, I was a safe haven. He has turned to me when things have gone wrong and he has feared for his life, I have spoken to his mother about his problem and been a go between for them, I convinced him to go into therapy and I left him as I said I would if he gambled again. In the end though stopping gambling had to be his choice and using his will, I couldn’t do it for him.

Gamblers tend to surround themselves with other gamblers or addicts to enable there situation, to keep their secrets, they often have few real friends and so I think it can be hard to see life as being any different. I personally believe that there are no half measures, you need to reject gambling if you want to reject it in someone else but then again as I say I don’t even buy a lottery ticket and the only reason I’d go into a bookies would be to give them a piece of my mind! I hate gambling and all it represents, after all it has come between me and the love of my life and almost destroyed him to boot!

I was in no way suggesting you are an addict btw I was simply saying how it might look to him because he is in denial he will be looking for reasons to justify his own behavior and you gambling even as a one off is a perfect excuse. Of course this is not your problem, it’s his and you should be ale to go on holiday with the girls and have a bit of fun but if you are doing that intending to continue to be with your cg and wishing him to change his ways you need to be aware that it might cause more problems.

They say you can’t chose who you fall in love with but you can chose what you want out of life (and what you don’t want) and sometimes it is necessary to let people go in order to move forward and have the life you want. In my case the only thing bad in my relationship was the addiction, my partner and I are best friends as well as lovers and he means the world to be. It broke my heart to call it a day when I did but as the non addict in the relationship I had to have the honest and consistent approach stick to my word and my principles in order to not become embroiled and get myself dragged down too as this would of helped neither of us.

It’s easy to enable and much harder not too, we all want to be loved, we all want to make the other person happy. Having to say no to giving my cg money when I managed it for a while was really hard and he manipulated me in many ways to try and get it but loving someone is about saying no when needed as much as saying yes, it is about hard truths being told and hard choices being made above all it is as much about being true to yourself as anything else. I would rather see my partner gamble free and happy, than with me and not, if that was what it took.

Being a good example by being a fully rounded person and practicing what you preach is so helpful when trying to navigate through this maze which is having a relationship with a cg ‘As you said ‘I can only hope that if I’m working towards being in a better place, CG will want that for himself too.’ Everyone’s story has a potential for a happy ending although it is not always the ending you expect! Lily x

[lily]

Hi Logic, please don’t beat yourself up. When I first came on here I didn’t even know what looking after yourself meant and it has taken me years to fully understand it!

I am glad you are going on holiday but I need to ask, will you be gambling in Vagas? It may not be a problem for you but doesn’t it send out conflicting messages to a gambler in denial? I have never had any interest in gambling so this really isn’t an issue for me but I know it is something my CG has struggled with when gambling (but not addicted) friends have talked to him about betting. It brings it back into a socially acceptable ‘hobby’ or pass time’ which is especially dangerous for a gambler in denial. I would be very careful how you present this to your partner. One rule for one etc.

I am glad you have a counselor (this shows great self care). I am seeing one too at the moment and he has talked to me in length about my own problems with relationships and how I chose unsuitable men to avoid them getting too emotionally close due to my trust issues. He has pointed out how now my partner is in recovery and come back at a point I am also working on my issues means I have in inadvertently ‘let him in’ and it has become the closest relationship I have ever had and assuming he maintains his gamble free life also the healthiest! Looking at the reasons we start and maintain relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable is an important step for us too and can really help move things forward in the most suitable direction.

You are obviously a bright caring woman and I am sure you will find the answers you are looking for in time if you allow yourself the space to do so.

Take care Lily x

[lily]

Hi Logic, I am really sorry to hear about your foot and that your partner didn’t come when you needed him. It must of been a really difficult time for you. What I really want to say to you or should I say what I would of needed to hear in your position is it is no reflection on you as a person, it is not because you are unloveable or don’t deserve to be cared for, it is not personal (although I know it must of felt personal). Your partner is being lead by addiction first, first before love, before family, before self care – the addiction whispers in his ear and says ‘just stay here have this bet, you can go when you have won some money, if you go now you will miss out on the big win, if you see her now you will have to take care of her and miss out on this cash that could make things better when you go, just stay for a little while.’ Addiction is a manipulative mistress and when it is not recognized or acknowledged by the CG it controls their every move.

It is not that it is easy for him to detach himself from you it is that it is impossible to detach himself from gambling, meaning there is little room for any thing else. He wouldn’t of had the room in his head to empathize or even take in what was happening to you but once he saw you it briefly brought him back to himself by the sound of it.

It sounds like you have learnt this yourself the hard way and about the reason many of us on here will bang on about taking care of yourself first and foremost. Being distracted by such a massive and scary thing as having someone with an addiction in your life can also have a detrimental effect on us and our lives, it can make us distracted, careless, tired and depressed, this can also cause us to make mistakes and make problems for ourselves so self care is vital for us to hold onto ourselves and not to become another victim of compulsive gambling by proxy.

You have reminded me that I will have to be flexible this weekend with my son who’s father is a CG in denial and will be in no fit state to care for his son either but as you see I needed to be reminded as it is not something at the fore front of my mind, I probably would of remembered as soon as I got a text with an excuse as to why he couldn’t see his son this weekend. Gambling still affects my life, I have my ex (my son’s dad) who is a gambler of 35 years in denial and my parnter who is a CG in recovery so gambling has had a massive affect on me over the last 20 years however I am at a point now where I do not allow it to be my life. I also learnt this the hard way so I do understand how difficult it is. My partner is there for me now, I see him as he is not as the addiction makes him but it was a long road with treatment and a separation for us both to learn to about ourselves and it is on going, there is no cure as such, my partner will always be a CG in recovery abstaining from gambling although many do manage this for the rest of their lives. My sons father I am sad to say will probably never change, denial is something you can not force someone out of.

I live my life now by living in the moment and enjoying each day and worrying about things when/if they happen. I fill my time with doing the things I love like pottering around in the garden or helping my sister with the horses, taking my son to places or visiting friends. The trick is to learn to be fully present when doing these things and not having half a mind on what your CG is up to, this time and these pleasures give me the energy and strength to deal with things when/if they happen not be constantly running through what might happen in my head. You are responsible for you not for their lives and their addiction and there is very little you can do for a gambler in denial except refuse to be part of it.

Is there friends or family you could go and stay with this weekend? Spending time being cared for and appreciated would be so much more healthy for you than sitting at home with a broken foot wondering what your partner might be up to and the truth is no matter how much you worry that will not change the outcome for good or bad.

Take care of you, you deserve it, Lily x

[lily]

Hi BL, what a lovely positive post and well done you for taking charge of what you can in your own life and doing the things you find fulfilling too. It sounds like you are both putting the children first in the situation and your husband is wise to be getting a system of support in place before he assumes he is truly in recovery.

Gamblers partners tend to be caring people on the whole and so it is not uncommon to have a codependent element, it is very insightful of you to tackle it head on. Nice too you are getting time together I am sure you are careful to avoid any inadvertent enabling by financial support, access to funds ect.

You are right about a relationship with a cg there are many shades of grey and it can be confusing but I found it helps to think about what YOU (and your children) need from a relationship and let that guide your actions (ie if you need to be financially secure, you need to take charge of the money ect).

Keep up the good work, Lily x

[lily]

Hi There DOAG, Has your father ever had any treatment for his gambling? Without treatment of some kind (ie GA, counseling, GMA etc) it is extremely difficult to become free of the addiction. How long has he in recovery (or saying he is recovery?). I always think how much harder it must be for a family member of a gambler as those of us who have a partner who is do have a choice to an extent (though you can’t help who you fall in love with).

I am unsure if you wish to get support on the forum or whether you are just wishing to enlist people for your survey but either way know you are amongst friends here, we all support each other.

Lily x

[lily]

Hi BL, I don’t think you are being selfish at all or for that matter that missing your husband is a sign of co-dependency! Personally I think the question ‘what about me?’ is exactly the question you should be asking but not to him to yourself. If you take good care of yourself and fill your days with things that you love to do, spend time with friends or family or places where you can make friends, time will go quicker and your focus will shift just enough for you to see things a little clearer I promise.

It is great you have your faith. There must be people you can connect with through that too surely?

I hear you saying you want a better life, free from the gambling that has blighted your marriage and from what you have said it looks like your husband does too. He cares about the marriage and you so much he is prepared to live apart and work on his addiction to protect you, he realizes and understands this is his problem and he is taking responsibility for it, your responsibility is to take care of you that is the key to a better life together in the future.

You are doing great, things won’t always be like this, Lily x

[lily]

Just popping by to say my thought are still with you. Had a lovely weekend thank you, all still good. I am checking in on the forum again regularly so look after you. Lily x

[lily]

Hi Velvet, Just wanted to let you know my cg will be here in a couple of hours and will be staying until monday morning so I may not have the chance to check the forum but I have not abandoned you! I hope you are Ok and arrangements are going smoothly. Lily x

[lily]

Hi BL, that all sounds really positive and as if you husband is committed to recovery which is such a good thing. My partner and I split up for 7 years during the ups and downs of early recovery and he was in residential therapy before that so I feel you pain with the separation. The relationship we have now though is beyond anything I could of ever imagined though because of the work we have both done on ourselves we can connect in a much closer and more meaningful way. While one partner is full of the thought of gambling and the other is full of fear of the gambling it is very hard to maintain any sort of relationship let alone a healthy one so try to see this time apart as an investment in your future. The fact your husband wants to protect you shows how much he cares about you.

Many find it hard to have family at a group initially and sometimes always, there is a lot of guilt and shame attached and there maybe things he is not ready to tell you yet or that he thinks would hurt you to hear. You maybe able to find a group of your own to attend elsewhere though where you can concentrate on your own recovery.

It seems to me you are both doing really well which is a great testament to you both as individually and to your relationship. Keep taking it one day at a time and before you know it things will have moved forward in a way you could never of imagined. Lily x

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