[lily]

You are right there is not a wrong time for love but there may wrong timing for a relationship. Our relationship with ourselves needs to be strong and balanced for a healthy relationship to grow and survive. Love takes many forms and real love doesnt end because a partnership ends or even if yuou dont see that person again but we must all move forward with our relationship with ourselves and that will continue to be my focus, that is always the right path.

Thank you for you invite into the open group, I would not take you up on it due to my needing to respect boundaries but it is nice to feel included. Lily x

[lily]

Thank you for your kind words. I can only write this post and say the things I have without shame because of my ex partner. He kept my secrets and supported me both as a friend and a partner for the last 18 years. He helped me understand I didnt ask for the life I was dealt any more than he asked for the life he was dealt as you also pointed out V.

My post is not there sound like I am a victim or oh poor me. I could of equally of written that I have travelled the world, met many interesting people had two beautiful sons and many adventures and that would also be true. I don’t feel sorry for myself and neither do I feel ashamed or care what others may think about my experiences. I just wanted to point out that we all have issues. Had I been born with the gene for addictive tendancies I may of well being posting on the gambling forum instead of here.

I think some partners of Cg’s are possibly attracted to them because of their own experiences of life, they know what it is to suffer and may have a more open minded approach to their difficulties. Of course this isnt always the case after all we don’t chose who we fall in love with but every does have their issues and it is as important that we work on ours as they do on theirs to find happiness and fufilment in ourselves first and formost. No one can make us feel loved if we don’t love ourselves, no one can make us feel secure if we are not secure in ourselves and you need to be able to understand and rely on your own emotions before you can be reliable to someone else.

We all have blips where we are not quite ourselves, problems arise when both parties have unresolved issues that trigger off each other. Expecting one other person to fufil all of your emotional needs is unrealistic and wrong which is why it is important to work on yourself and learn to cope with what life throws at you.

I don’t think however that a persons experiences are what define them and that is why I dislike the term ‘my cg’ although I use it sometimes and did in this case as I couldn’t quite bring myself to write my ex partner at the time. Many addicts as I am sure you are aware IDI also have had difficult lives and have used gambling as a way to escape the feelings they bring up. Of course it creates more problems than it solves and then they have the triple whammy of dealing with the addiction, dealing with what caused the addiction and dealing with all the things that they may of done while addicted. It is not easy and I have total admiration for all who even try to deal with this and make themselves a better life.

Everyone of course deserves to be loved, nutured and treated with respect. I don’t deserve it more because I have had a bad time and I know it starts with me. I have to learn to love and respect myself more fully if I want to have a sucessful and healthy relationship with anyone. I am getting there but I have a lot to learn, my ex partner has a lot to learn too but that does not make him or me a bad person.

I don’t blame myself or even my ex partner for the relationship ending, the timing was just wrong, neither of us was as strong in our recoveries as we believed when we first got back together. There is so much more to gambling addiction than simply abstaining from gambling and just as there is so much more to getting over a traumatic childhood than just growing up.

My ex partner is not a bad person, in fact at heart he is a good person, a kind person and an (emotionally) honest person. He has given me some great advice over the years in his often brutal northern way and he gives it because he wants to help, because he cares and doesn’t want people to suffer as he has. Yes he likes to have the last word but don’t we all? Lily x

[lily]

This will be a long post but I had to get my thoughts down to someone to save them rolling around in my head.

I think when you have a relationship with a CG it is easy to either blame everything on their gambling and either right them off or focus on them getting ‘clean’ and thinking then everything will be ok. It’s not that simple. Every relationship we have is a two way street, every person has complications, problems, struggles and things they either need to or are working on, Moods go up and down.

I am a whole mess of issues, I work very hard on these all the time. I am reflective and have conselling to help with that but sometimes things are triggered and I react in the moment.

My life in a nutshell is I was brought up by a mother who was mentally ill and a step-father who was loving but so laid back he neglected our basic needs. My real dad left my mum and sister before I was born. I have 2 brothers and one sister I was brought up with (my half siblings but they never feel like half) and I have one sister and 2 brothers who I was not brought up with (my half siblings also) all of which I tracked down. My two brothers were adopted one by my mum and one by my biological dad, my sister is my biological dads and was brought up by her mum after my dad left her also. By the time I tracked down my biological dad he had died.

I pretty much brought up my two younger brothers, my sister brought me up until I was old enought to take over. I was abuse by neighbours children when I was 8 but never tolds my parents, they had enough problems of their own having just lost a baby. My first proper relationship was at 17 with a man 10 years older than me who beat me and still to this day has an injuction out on him to stop him stalking me. I have been married twice, both did not last, my first hisband terroristed and raped me while we were on honeymoon. I had a child when I was 22 who died at 3 months old due to a cot death and I lost my way completely after this and had a breakdown. Luckily I had a supportive friend who saved my life after she found me in my flat lying on the floor where I had been for a week without moving.

After that I got a gypsy carvan and travelled for a year putting myself back together and when I came back I started a relationship with a man I adored but found out he was cheating on me on a regular basis. Wanting to start again I ran away and ended up at a vineyard in sussex that is where I met my CG, he was running away too though I didnt know it, in a way I think we helped each other. We had fun and were great company for each other, it was always meant to be a no strings but I fell in love with him but he nipped that in the bud saying he was a compulsive gambler and I didnt want to get mixed up with him. I travelled to ireland where I married my second husband.

11 years ago I had my son by a man who was also a CG but I didnt know it, we split up when was one. My son had muliple allergies until he was 7 and so the focus was on these however I noticed something different about him early on eventually he was diagnosed with a type of autism called PDA (pathological demand avoidance), it means he is so anxious all the time he resists the demands of everyday life. The reality of that was he would ressused to eat, sleep, get up, go to school, well you get the picture. I have become a bit of an expert on the condition which is a comparitively rare type of autism. With the right stratagies my son is thriving in most areas but still can’t be left with anyone else, struggles to go out especially anywhere crowded and is now home educated.

My CG and I had remained friends throughtout this. When my son was 2/3 he came back into my life in a storm of trouble, we instantly rekindled our romance and he eventually went into treatment, unfortunatly he didnt go into recovery straight away so we split up after about a year and had very little contact for the next 7 years. In that time his dad died, my mum died, my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my dear friend of 25 years had a complete breakdown and was left with schizophrenia.

At the time my cg and I got back together last feb, I had worked through a lot of the issues I had relating to the events i have described and in a lot of ways was in a good place however my son was having a really hard time at this time as had only just got his diagnoses and I was only just begining to understand how to manage it. My CG was incredibly supportive as I believe I was to his recovery, for a while we were better together than apart, it was the first real relationship I have ever had in my life, give and take, care and understanding. His recovery allowed him to show who he is for the first time and wear his heart on his sleave and mine had helped me to be independent and strong and to trust more and expect the worst less.

I am not going to go in to what happened 6 months ago as it was all over the forum for all to see but it set me back with trust and I pulled in my horns, it put him back with trust and he pulled in his. Things just got worse and worse and despite repeated efforts to fix it we did not suceed.

My (ex)CG is a good man, I say that without rose tinted glasses, I know his faults too and at times I could bang his head against the wall to try and knock some sense into it and I know he has felt that way about me to. But he is a good man. He has a massive heart, he is great with my son, he does not judge me for my past and I do not judge him, he has never given up trying to give up in all the time I have known him, he falls down he gets up, his stubboness is his greatest asset and his worst enermy. Even with all the hassle the last few months he came down and he helped me move, he did so much and never once moaned or lost his temper.

I don’t believe I t was about Christmas or gambling that we split up. It was about not being far enough down the road in our recoveries to sustain a relationship. We werent far enough down the road with our own lives either, I am very tided up with my son and he with his work. But thats ok. I can live with that. That is much easier to live with than sniping and hurting each other that we have been doing for months.

Taking care of you, looking at you, creating support and independance of mind for you, that is the only way to get through this. The outcome may not always be what we hoped for but as long as you are taking care of you it will be the right one. Lily x

[lily]

So glad the exams went well, I hope to catch up with you in the group on tuesday – I will do my best. Lily x

[lily]

It sounds like you are a bright lady and caught on pretty fast that there is a problem. You are right to not enable him any longer (ie support his addiction but providing him with money or essentials) however you cant make him give up, only he can do that. Even if he does stop gambling (and it will take longer than a month, its a long term issue) then he will always need to be in recovery.

Your suggestions are great, he needs not only to delete the gambling websites but block himself from them. If he uses the bookmakers/bookies then he can also self exclude from there. A note of caution though, ultimatums rarely if ever work. Open communication and support work better but he has to ready for that, step one is admitting there is a problem. Did he tell you he gambled away the holiday money or was he caught out? If he told you then that is a big step in the right direction and a cry for help.

There is lots of great support available to help gambling addicts in the UK and he will need help if he wants to get control of his addiction – There is a forum here for addicts as well as a residential treatment facility run by gambling therapy that he may be eligiable for, there is also gamblers anonamous and GAMCARE. You can put these suggestions to him but you can not make him take them up, that needs to be his choice.

For you now, you need to decided what you want out of life because even if he does get treatment and go into recovery it will always be part of him. Some very strong and commited relationships have survived this process and many have fallen by the wayside. It is not easy and what is important for you to do at the moment is to take care of you. Research what you are taking on but mostly consontrate on your life and build yourself a good support network, interest and hobbies. By working on yourself and taking care of you you will be in a much better place to deal with whatever happens next and not be at the mercy of his actions for your happiness which even he is not fully in control of at the moment. You will always find a listening ear and support on this site so do keep posting, Lily x

[lily]

Hi Kathryn, Thank you so much for your kind words. No I dont believe he has been gambling, my gut feeling for months is that he had fallen out of love with me for whatever reason but I didnt want to believe it. I am glad he has said it and didnt argue when he suggested splitting up – you can’t make someone love you after all can you? It is easier in a way than before we split as contantly trying to a maintain a relationship where you feel more than the other person is very damaging and I was becoming needy and insecure which I didnt like in myself and was affecting the way I functioned. It was time to move on and the grief for what we had will pass and the memories of the good times will remain with me, it is like a little death really. I have a great counsellor who I can talk to and plans for the future and I know ultimately I will be ok. I will keep on keeping on and taking care of me, Thanks again Lily x

[lily]

good luck with the exams. I hope you will post soon so I can hear properly how you are doing. Lily x

[lily]

Thanks Logic and V. I do hope to see you in a group at some point Logic. x

[lily]

Today my partner told me he no longer felt the same about me. I knew, I have know in my heart for a while but I just hoped I was wrong. for a time I wondered if he was gambling again, I don’t believe it was the case but I didnt want to believe his feelings had changed. Perhaps it is down to the changes within himself in general, perhaps his heightened feelings for me last spring were down to the feel good factor of not gambling or as an escape from the urges or perhaps he has just fallen out of love me? I don’t know and he tells me he doesn’t either, he still loves me but not in the same way. I appreciate his honesty, I have been struggling for a while to get to the bottom of whats going on and knew things were coming to a head when he showed little enthusiasm for seeing me over christmas saying he needed time to recouperate and didnt want to drive.

I am not angry or disparing but I do feel really sad, I guess its grief in a way. He wants to stay friends but I am not ready for that switch yet, maybe in time. I don’t know where that leaves me regarding GT. I don’t know if it is possible for me to post as this is his place and I know it will hurt seeing his name pop up on the forum in the start page.

I’ll be fine of course, I’m a grown up but right now it hurts and I feel bereft sitting here looking at his unopened christmas gift. I am glad he was honest, no one wants to live a lie and I am glad he is taking responsibilty for his own feelings. I hope he continues his recovery as I am sure he will and moves forward making a happy and sucessful life. And of course I will keep my focus on taking care of me and moving forward with my life.

Life really throws out some curved balls sometimes though…….Lily x

[lily]

Lovely to hear from you Logic. I hope to be reading about all that has happened with you over the last few months soon. The twists and turns of life hey? I am still awake waiting to fill my sons stocking. This year is a million miles from last year when my son was having such a hard time and so unhappy , seeing his joy and excitement really makes my Christmas although I wish he wasn’t so a reluctant and light sleeper right now. Looking forward to catching up soon, lily x

[lily]

Thanks for the warm greeting V. I am sure I will ‘see’ you in a group soon. Have a wonderful Christmas. Lily x

[lily]

Dear V, I know how dedicated your are too this site and the group which was why I was worried when you didn’t show. All was well and it gave Red and I an opportunity to get to know each other better which was great. I am sure if anyone else had joined then that would of been fine too. As you can imagine things are busy/stressful at the moment for me but if you don’t see me much on the forum i will do my very best to at least see you in the group on Thisrday. Never any need for you to say sorry when you do so much. Lily x

[lily]

Hi V we missed you in the group tonight, I hope everything is ok? Thanks for the reply. This has been a stressful week so not been about much, I am house hunting as my landlord has given notice as he needs the house for a family member. It was all very unexpected. Lily x

[lily]

Hi frankie, I read your post yesterday but didn’t have the chance to reply. Have you read the gambling cyclele? This is what you are stuck in now, it is visions circle and will keep going around and around until something changes.
If nothing changes it will get worse especially if your partner has full access to his money again but in truth you can not stop him, only he can make the decision to seek help and start engaging in recovery and by the sound of it he has no desire to do that right now. You however do have power over your own choices and you can chose to atop this negatively impacting on both yourself and your sons life. Only you can decide how that will look to you, what changes you need to make but can you really go on like this any longer? Please put yourself and your child first and move forward with your life. Thinking of you, advice is easy to give and difficult to take I know, please understand I have been where you are now. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked down in this never ending spiral, you are worth more. Lily x

[lily]

So I have been giving things a lot of thought after recent strains in my relationship made more difficult by my partner and I reading each others posts. I did say I wouldn’t post again(not for the first time either!) but you know what I am here for my recovery and also for the sake of my relationship and so I don’t have to share every little wobble with my partner and visa versa, so I can learn, so I can understand, so I can continue to become a more balanced person.

We have agreed not to read each others personal threads any more and I have completely stopped reading My Journal now. I think if either of us did read each others posts then we really have no right to be upset by what we read as we both now fully understand we really shouldn’t be reading in the first place even if we are given permission or asked to.

My partner and I are back on track and things are good and moving forward. We are close, we always have been which makes it harder when things go wrong as we are normally each the person the other shares things with. The long distance between us does not help either at these times.

Although neither of us was in the best place when we got together all those years ago we have both grown a lot however self development is not a straight road of recovery, there are ups and downs and I think those down can be more intense when you have the specture of gambling lerking in the background no matter how much you believe in your partners recovery. Misunderstandings and things getting blown out of proportion can happen so easily from both sides, recovery is a fragile thing for anyone and old patterns are hard to change.

I value so much the feedback of the wonderful people on this site and it should not be about shaming a partner or to pass messages on to each other, or even about getting others opinions on your relationship, to me it is about venting about a moment, understanding yourself and YOUR recovery, learning about compulsive gambling and most of all it is about knowing you are not alone in your experiences. It is easy to slip into writing for someone else when you know they might read but it really should be about writing for you.

I recently spent a couple of days in the company of my sons dad at Legoland for my sons birthday he also a gambler but in denial, time i would never want to to spend with him again! Gambler or no gambler he is an abusive person on a mental level and it brought into sharp focus why I would fight for my current relationship, it also made me realise how far I had come as I could see straight through his games and I just could not tolerate it at all any more and this was a man I spent 6 or 7 years with. No idea how or even why.

In contrast all the hard times we have had the thread that runs through the relationship with my CG is one of love and care and always has been, any hurt he has caused me in the past has always been linked to the gambling in someway, which is why I joined this site and why I feel I need to keep posting and replying despite the risk of it being read and my comments being misinterpreted.

I know anyone who has followed my story willl know the amount of respect and love I have for my partner and no comments I make are never intended to put him down in anyway, I hope with time he will come to trust me enough to realise this too because I have to write for me and from my heart or there is no point in me being here at all. All threads are written as a snap shot in time, often at times when people feel at their most angry, vunerable and hurt and so it is very dangerous when partners read each others I think as that moment may well of already passed and the person feel completely different now.

Anyway enough of my rambling but I will just say thank you to all those who offered support during the recent difficulties. Lily x

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