[Liberty]

Well its been a very tough couple of days, My mother sent me emails yesterday but the emails did not make much sense, since they were asking questions of which I had already explained in depth in my email of sordid life confessions. I asked her had she received the email explaining about Gordon moody etc, I then got an email back saying I have looked up Gordon Moody it is a site for people with gambling problems, I am glad that is not your problem though! So today, I said I will send you the original email again as either she has lost her memory or she has just not received it. So, there was me thinking yesterday that well she has got it and at least she is still speaking to me, all is not lost, but it turns out she never got the email in the first place!
I was then thinking can I really put myself through this again, resending its been awful the last three days I cant repeat ever.
So to cut a long story short (well I can but try) I have now had an email to say she has now received it and is going to a town in the UK to pick up her car and she will write later.
I went to the docs last night for my usual appointment he ahs changed my medication, but since I have done a lot of research on them, apparently they are given to anorexics and huge long threads with folk putting on like 2 stones in three weeks, I am not taking them, as I am trying to set my goal to return to work after the Easter holidays, last thing I want is to go back three stone heavier than I left they think I been having a great time sitting on my rear scoffing my face all day!
He also said if these don’t work he will have to send me to the shrink, I had to stop myself from saying even you have had enough of me then!
I still have the original medication so will have to go back before next apt to sort that out, next apt meant to be in two weeks time.
These damn head vibrations are still there in fact getting worse, it does not hurt but never experienced anything like it before, boom boom vibrate vibrate ….
My shoulders are heavy, my burdens are many …..

[Liberty]

vera, I like your posts very much, you have great insight and say it as it is, that’s a wonderful gift to have.

[Liberty]

please don’t think that you missed out on a big win, the site I used was running a competition monetary prize draw with no turnover restrictions could withdraw it immediately, I came home from work one Friday in end sept begin oct. O pened the site up sitting on my kitchen step, saw my new balance 10, 010 I had won the draw, had no effect on me whatsoever, just carried on making my cup of tea. Wins prolong the agony, even withdrawing today is only a loan a cg will give it back next week and more, I know I did time and time again , it was nth long ago that I had a ninety pound bonus which became 4700 in no time at all , what ai have won how annoying , I will just increase the bet it soon be gone and it was.
Big wins prolong the agony.

[Liberty]

I am not in a brilliant place at the moment but am sure other folks will give you great advice. There are groups on during the week and it would be really good for you to come along and get constructive her,p and advice, you are not alone now you have found this site. I hope that you can go to the chat room groups.
Like you, I stopped with will power alone but that can’t last forever, so we need to find a new way, which will mean making changes in life, changes for the better.
Chat soon, take care of you, keep posting on your diary here, sharing your thoughts and feelings.

[Liberty]

theend for your msg means a lot, I hope things are getting better for you.
I have had a hymn stuck in my head today from my church days,
This is it
1
What a Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
2
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

A really really difficult day today I wrote a long email to mother explaining my situation, my life over the last few years, hardest thing I have ever done but she knew something was wrong as I have not spoken to her for about six months now apart from a. Brief merry Christmas , I think it just got to the point am sick of living a life if pretence and lies pretending all is well ….anyway I gave her pre warning by email that there was an email coming that was going to be a big shock to her and to ,et me know when she had received that, she replied to say she had received that email and awaiting the email, I sent it a few hours ago now but have not received a reply as yet, I fully expect her not to want anything to do with me again, I am very low, each time I think things cannot possibly get any worse , my life never ceases to surprise me.
Am not sure how this is going to effect me I feel very bad for putting this on her, surely oblivion the protected safe is better having big regrets, I guess all illusions now shattered.

[Liberty]

but nobody knows
Who is there,
Knock on my door ring my bell
Will I recognise you
Will I invite you in
Make some tea and toast
Even cook you a roast
Or will I be too busy
Screaming it’s not fair.

Identifiable song Mad world
Identifiable state withdrawal
Identifiable loss self
Identifiable past gambling hell
Identifiable future hard drive failure no response.

[Liberty]

I am not a drinker, I don’t particularly like the taste or the effects I have some Rum here, and a new voice lately and been suggesting to me that I should drink it, I really don’t want any replacement thank you. Mainly, the desire is to free this tortuous state , the only escape was sleep and now that is filled with horrifying dreams I am afraid to sleep, since when I am in a bad dream , I can’t get out of it and I can’t wake up, I even think I am awake when I am asleep I think I may possibly have been sleep walking today but since I have no witness to that I am not sure, I just remember feeling that I was walking around with my eyes closed. I think my account has been hacked, who did all these posts? Was I asleep then, don’t worry people there is no hacking here not of posts anyway.

[Liberty]

its apparent end that you are having some gambling urges right now?
Er er Sorry to admit it but I tend to agree with that.
So End, what do you intend doing about it as I don’t actually like you when you gamble, I don’t like to see how you are during and I especially don’t like how you are with the after effects, I do need to tell you that I am not prepared to just sit back and allow you to continue.
Well I er, thought I might try to distract myself, I did think of writing on that GT site, but then thought the folks there may think that we are mad.
Don’t worry about what others think End it really is none of your business, perhaps if you spent more time concentrating on how you think we wold not be in this mess.
but what if I can’t do it, what if I fail
no one failed from trying End they on,y failed because they failed to try.
Ok, then you sort it out, you seem to have the answers when I don’t.
All I am saying End is you make your decision, you make your choices and you don’t listen to me.
Ok, then I will make you stronger
You just have to be promoted.

I am sane, gambling compulsively is insane.

[Liberty]

listen to me you cry,
I can make you better
Trust in me
No need to think, no need to feel,
It will be just you and I
Don’t think of the future stay with me in the past
You are mine, I want to live feed me feed me (said with a deep deep controlling voice)
Sorry but I think you have to die.
After all all you do is lie!

[Liberty]

morning is here,
With the promise we get of a new day
Have I not noticed
The gift that’s given freely
Am I so soul less and proud
Selfish and unkind
Blind to our earth
And all its glory
Dragged into an abyss
Full of snakes
Hissing and spitting venom
All for the sake of satan and his crowd.

[Liberty]

what shall I do now , gamble gamble you cry
No, no says I
Hold the iPad look at the page,
See the people
Trying like you
Don’t cry don’t despair
There is someone out there.

[Liberty]

a lot of you are not religious and I know some of you probably are, everyone does it their way as in the words of old Mr Sinatra. When I was young, lived alone in London what always helped was the words of a very old hymn, I used to walk around London on a Sunday through the parks, spend hours in speakers corner singing lead me Lord, lead me in thy righteousness, make thy way plain before thy face, so true today as it was then I have lost my way, my light, my life my self.
No road is ever completely flat and smooth but the cracks and pot holes need to. Be identified before they can be tar marked over, how annoyed motorist get with the state of a lot of roads these days some roads seem irreparable left in a state for months at a time, until finally we get the sign ‘road closed for urgent maintenance’ weeks go by, still closed how inconvenient we cry. So pleased when it finally is open again no more detours, although it does have to be maintained periodically . My road has craters….

[Liberty]

but you are here.

[Liberty]

whose there?

[Liberty]

since Jan 24 from you End? Not a great effort is it!

[Author]

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