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realisation interesting word am looking for the real I to talk to me, to be me not the false lyer the master of trickery and self mutilation.
I just mailed my counsellor and thought I would share some of it on here, wondering if anyone can identify with it or is it just me?
If I gamble I can’t stop the cycle until I reach a totally broken state it’s like until I can get to that I can’t stop. I have to make sure the pain is greater than anything else and gambling fits that quite nicely. So I ought to be grateful to the online casinos cos they can give me that medicine any time night or day, how considerate of them.
Something else I have observed is I need to chase, winning is annoying as there is no chase nothing to try for, so when you lose you then need to focus on the battle ahead which is of course winning your money back, now if per say by chance that happens too quickly that’s ok, increase the bet it soon will be gone again, then win it back again and by the time you have lost it all again the drug has taken effect, you feel all the things you have been avoiding feeling but it appears it’s ok to feel them as they are safe pain, gambling pain. It’s ok to feel completely worthless, full of fear, sucidal, cos it all to do with gambling right….
the closer I get to solving the mystery of my fragmented mind, the more intense the urge to gamble becomes, am I so afraid of myself, my demons that I have to destroy any chance I could, possibly have of a future, do I even deserve a future after all I have done over the last nine years or so, it’s all rather a mystery.
I remember when I was a naive sixteen year old (excusable then but now?) I earned very little money and I put and lost three pound fifty in a fruit machine which was a huge amount of money to me then ( no we are not talking pre war days either am not that old, besides that would be ten shillings and three pound I think, not that I remember that) after that loss I never ever gambled again maybe a few 2 p in a holiday campsite but I never like those places dirty smokey smelly in those days, and very loud. When I gambled online I never had the volume on its a dreadful sound those machines. A few years ago there was a programme on tv called The mint, some of you may not know this basically it was a tv quiz show that you could call up and if you got the right answer to the stupid question you would win a cash prize, I never even paid to call them as it was ITV you could get a free code via the PC so I just got through that way, I got through on a Good Friday won five hundred pounds and again two days later Easter Sunday, there were other shows too quiz mania I was always getting through there not always the right answers but often did and th cheques popping through the letter box fairly regularly, there was even one where you and to beat the presenter in the yes and no game over a timer, I beat him every time and it was like he thought when I got through not you again…. Anyway whilst spending all my time getting codes for the phone. There was an advert for a casino on the itv web page with free play bonus, intrigued I thought I will give it a go, as you can imagine I won usual thoughts this is fantastic why did I never think of this before, new career, forget the nine to five its not for me any more, the rest is history the history of a life of a compulsive gambler…..
The last nine to ten years think it was possibly 2006 Have been the most destructive, I could,not have damaged myself more had I committed crimes that received a ten year prison sentence in fact I think that life may well have been easier.
I am awake now, as I awoke from terrible dreams that I was unable to wake up from even though I tried desperately hard to wake up and real I se that it was a dream and nothing to fear.
I do not know can not see any clear road ahead , pitfalls and traps that Sane folk avoid, I look for them set myself up to fail every single time, I really Beleive this will kill me in the end this is not a threat that I am going to do anything like that, as I am having so many physical problems with my brain ( what you actually have one you are all thinking) I never used to have these head problems, I have vibrations in my head, no pain but very disconcerting, anyway a post for once from one of me ‘s well done End xxx Thank you

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we spoke late at night in chat room a while back just us, I just wanted to say I am so pleased to hear how well you are doing and that you have been so sensible with the blocks in place. You can do great things this month, go you, a big well done Lau. Take care and carry on having fun and a good life with gambling your past and your future be filled with all the joy of youth ( old codger here as you know :))

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made me smile, it is a great name 🙂

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That is excellent Jansdad I would not have thought of that! I was just a bit concerned as I have known folk set it up themselves knowing the password, which kinda defeats the object, how you feeling at the moment?

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hi Jansdad
I am so sorry about how things have been for you.
I am glad to see you back here, you welcomed me to GT when I joined and wrote a lot of sense to me. I did wonder why I did not see any posts from you recently.
I have K9 and it works well, did you get someone to set the password for you?

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Thanks Mav, same to you and your family.
Apparently deal with the past and the present will take care of itself. Maybe we need to start being our own best friend, as I certainly would not advise a friend in the way I have advised myself, nor would I think so badly of them.

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Hi Mav,

I know exactly what you mean, the crazy fantasies of that big win, but even if that happens all that ever does is feed the monster again so you will lose it all again and more besides. The more you feed it the hungrier it gets, no feeding, it can only wither away and die, although that does take time. The one thing I do know is even with long gambling free periods, it only takes one bet to enliven the monster again. Logic says you should be able to win and walk away but the addiction has different ideas about that, the never ending cycle is proof absolute.
I have the Allen Carr book on kindle, some people swear by it, I find it repetitive which is strange since my life seems to be repetition same mistakes over and over and over…I agree with the concept you are not giving anything up but for me it does not in any way address the reasons of to why I have gambled my life away. Once that is resolved then there should not be a need to gamble, I hate gambling, yet I still want to do it even now, even though it has ruined my life and those around me, even though it is the most painful soul wrenching experience that I could never have imagined, cos the stupid mind says this time it will be different, NO, it will never be any different. It’s like there is an alien dwelling in me that hates me so much wants to destroy me utterly, as I have good thoughts, I want to do good things, the alien says why am I not included in your list of good things? erm excuse me? who exactly are you, I created that alien and I have to be responsible for its death before it is the cause of mine.
Mav, I think your ideas sound great, why not try writing some of your material and testing it out with friends? I am so pleased to read that you feel that you are on the mend, its such a rollercoaster of emotions, hopefully in time there will be far more good days than bad.
enough waffle from me now 🙂

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I hope you are ok Mav.

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Well yesterday, my ipad had a severe issue, it was continually turning itself off and on I could do nothing, so spent a while on main PC trying to troubleshot this issue, everything suggested would not work. I then read about a process to set into recovery mode via iTunes, again this was no use, However, I persevered and eventually (after many hours) I was able to get it to be recognised by ITunes and able to recover it. Unfortunately, this meant that it was totally reset to factory mode (new and clean how I long to be that Ipad) I had lost all my data pictures videos etc. etc. even the last pictures of my darling dog that died nine months ago (June 10th 2014) So in order to be in recovery mode, I think I too must need to wipe out the past delete it all, in order to start afresh, a sign maybe from above? Now I am left with a deep sadness as I am realising that past is past and can not be undone, need to accept it, and be in that recovery mode. A rather strange post but then….stay safe beautiful people.

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Hi maverick
Thank you for your message. I have followed your posts on the forum and understand how very difficult things are for you right now. I tend to spend far too much time thinking of the what if I had stopped at this time and that etc, alas it is to no avail, not one of us can turn back the hands of time no matter how strong the desire to do that is. I do not know who this person is that gambled my life away, until that started I was on target for a secure life, clearly I did not deserve that. I would like to say that I am now feeling great and all is hunky dory, but then would I be being truthful? It’s the crushing debt that I have Mav, knowing that I have ruined so many lives with this over the years, knowing that there is nothing I can do to change my situation even if I never gambled a penny ever again, I have created too much of a nightmare to recover from. This is where I am totally stuck, I have so many other things going on in this screwed up life of mine that in a way I feel like do what you want with me people cos I am past caring, it’s all too much of a mountain, they say you get what you deserve in life so that confirms what I already know I am worth minus nothing lol anyway Mav thank you for taking time to message me, I wish you well in your recovery I think you can be a success again just need to focus on what you are capable of achieving, show your wife and son how much they mean to you, you can do it Mav x

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Hello Vera, thank you for your enquiry as to how I am doing, very kind of you.
I am still gambling free, although I think the not gambling is the easy part, believe it or not. I am having great difficulty in dealing with other aspects of my life, so so tired all the time, completely drained and since my doctor doubled my anti depressant medications just over a week ago, even more tired, am not sure if the side effects are worth it but I am trying to persevere for the time being. I am off work at the moment and have been for the past five weeks, and right now I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to go back, which in itself is a huge problem as due to my financial mess, that will make it even more problematic than it is already. I have an awful lot of areas in my life that need addressing, so many things that I have run away from for years and I am at least at the stage of recognising this although that does not make it any easier to face these things, so as usual on hold hidden away in some dark place that I really don’t feel strong enough to visit. My biggest concern is that many times in the past, over the years I have stopped gambling for months at a time the last time prior to this was six months. I have destroyed myself constantly over the years, each time believing this was it, no more! Yet, I again find myself in the cycle of stop start, this time though I would say it is definitely the closest that I have ever got to jump off bridge time, as I can not continue with this pain, despair, worthlessness, guilt and hopelessness cycle any more, I am trying to solve the reason for the need to always run, always hide, always escape. I am struggling with the thoughts of no matter that I no longer gamble, no matter that I am trying to overcome this addiction, the damage has been done and I really have not a great way forward, unfortunately. What an absolute idiot I have been all these years, prior to this I lived a normalish (lol) life and no matter what folk tell me the reality is that has gone forever due to the chaos and mess I created, well done me. Anyhow despite all of this, I am here reading everyone’s stories and for the NOW which is all I have for sure I am not on that horrid rollercoaster of the gambling demon. May we all be well and free from this hideous addiction. God bless you all.

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Many thanks for your replies JansDad, Vera, Kpat and Can do this, I am overwhelmed that you have taken time to reply to me.
I will write later I just wanted to let you know that I am grateful for your messages of support.

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