[libbie]

You are right Neva…but I see things so black and white…Do I limit the time with him or break it off altogether to see if I can totally focus on my abstinence..? I get so confused as to what is the right thing to do! When he was here, we went to the casino…his idea but of course I did not put up a fight as I should have..I went with only $60 and no cards and was up 3 ***** that and really was ready to leave..but he encouraged me to stay "because I was enjoying myself" (his words)…Of course I gave back the $60…Not a big deal money wise but I was angry…why didn’t he say "let’s go" when I offered that up?
Anyway–back on track for now…and very busy which is good..very exhausted…which is not good..
Hope all is well with you Neva..Have not had time to read and post the last few days..which I hope to soon..Have a wonderful day.

[libbie]

I hear you about those thoughts popping up from nowhere! My problem is I let them stay instead of pushing them away immediately…Boyfriend was visiting from out of town..all went well…He left and now 2 days I am off and the thoughts are there again…But I have been getting lots of calls to appraise/buy antiques so I have a lot to photograph and list online which can keep me busy for a week if I don’t listen…I am off now to an auction…This week back on has been easier so I am grateful for that..So far gamble free and it does feel better!
You are doing the right thing moving forward and trying new things..the only way to re-wire that gambling brain!
Gotta run..Have a great day

[libbie]

Very well expressed Thea…So it sounds like the key for you is to "push through" when you have those feelings/anxieties and not let the gambling be the first thing that takes hold…Just keep moving forward..and it sounds like you are doing it…It is just like a **** or a cigarette…taking that first misstep is the problem…It’s just so much easier NOT doing that because the initial withdrawal is the hardest..In my case, however, I have to keep coming back in spite of slips…There is no other way..The alternative is to go straight down and not recover…and I must always try!
I, like you, think the shame or regret over what I have done has become an obstacle for me moving in another direction…My biggest issue is my career..I used to have professional jobs and would get whichever one I chose…Since the economy changed and I am now 60 years old, I am thinking I cannot get back to that, and when that fact displays itself to me, I get frustrated, withdraw and go gamble!I quit even LOOKING for jobs over a year ago..I am afraid and convinced I will not the get the jobs I would seek.. Not the way to move forward..That being said…I am working…I am making money and am paying down my huge debt…Now down to $12,500 from 80K..
So thank you for putting all that into words…because that is providing some clarity for me…
Hope all is well and calm and clear for you today…I am feeling pretty good with no urges so ****** for today!

[libbie]

Thanks for that Maverick.very sweet.
I am trying…sometimes harder than others I guess..I am grateful that today I had a pretty good day and I did not have huge urges…so one day behind anyway…Can only hope tomorrow goes as well…I really hate this disease…and for the life of me cannot figure anything good about it or why it landed on me…A lot in my DNA maybe…an Uncle who was very successful earlier in life and **** penniless and estranged from friends and family   and many more members of my family on both sides..although most now deceased..Maybe I am them reincarnated ..lol. Have to try this one day at a time Mantra..
Good night and best of luck to you as well..I am very grateful for this site

[libbie]

You are doing fantastic! The boyfriend came in from out of town…and guess where we went – to the casino…I would love to say otherwise, but I hope I can stay on this site and abstain longer..It’s my near term history to start and stop…Some years back I quit for 1 1/2 years and now the withdrawal phase has been too rough for me…Not sure what to do…

[libbie]

Vera – My opinion, it is okay to question ethics at work…I have done that many ***** at different jobs..Actually quit one job because I thought the ethics were way too questionable..but did not make friends in the process..Then I question myself…I go so crazy because of ethics and doing the right thing in all situations except my gambling! What ethics are involved in that? Alienating friends and family..spending money I don’t have…such a double standard..So I think it is okay to step up at work if you see something is wrong…but maybe look at the way you are going about it…Don’t do it in such a way that it could jeopardize your job..If you are like me…the anger can work against you…and I find I have much more anger when in a gambling phase and am much calmer when abstaining..
I am going to drop in on Charles’ group.I am really struggling with the gambling and cannot see how to beat this thing! My DNA is so structured now to include it…The withdrawal from it is difficult, depressing and scary to me…but the damage is just as bad – worse – I guess…But some***** it seems the withdrawal is worse..
The boyfirend is here..He is good to me in so many ways but I really feels sabotages me in my efforts to quit gambling…even my diet..Trying to lose a few pounds..and he thinks feeding me is doing a caring thing…
Going out and about today…looking for antiques to buy to re-sell…and going to the movies..Hope you and all have a lovely day…Will try to hop on while he is here

[libbie]

I am going to make a point of joining in a session…just dropped in on one chat I think you were in….Are they helpful to you?..There is so much good stuff on here…but sometimes I don’t know where I’ve posted to pick it up again! Boyfriend coming in tomorrow to visit…I go back and forth about breaking this relationship off…I think he is a gambling trigger for me…but then again..what isn’t a trigger for me?..Way past my bedtime…and have to get up for work at 6am..Will pick up the fight tomorrow..G’night or good day..whatever time it is in your country!

[libbie]

I’m sorry but I had to laught at that question! Not sure about that guy…You want someone who will take this very seriously…A question like that about payout on the slots could be a trigger (for me)..But good job for at least taking that step…Part of the fight!..See how it is talking to him…but if it doesn’t feel right, could you switch to someone else? It’s like a sponsor in GA – some fits are better than others…I had one who years ago who, after a while, did not feel right..I even had a sneaking suspicion he was gambling!..So I switched to someone else and he was wonderful…and then a year later he ****! And I was the one who discovered it..Hadn’t heard from him (he was in his 70s) and went over to his place with some other people to check it out..and he had **** in his sleep..So sad..and a setback for me maybe, tho that is an excuse..
I hear you about no motivation… rest if you need to, but just vow to get up and do one little thing…anything..If you wanted to clean out your ****** and just got rid of 1 or 2 things every day…you would have it cleaned out eventually!
Off I go…Have a nice day !

[libbie]

On my way out now..Thanks for the encouragement..I guess feeling low IS part of the withdrawal process..I think it is about 10 days in, and I was hoping I wouldn’t feel like this by now..This feels like a job..and I’m looking for more of a vacation!

[libbie]

I live in a lovely little town with a waterfall..about a mile walk to the falls…I am going to get dressed and walk there…something I talk about doing but hardly ever do..It’s sunny out so will give this a try to get the gambling (and pity party) off my mind..

[libbie]

Thanks Neva–I know every day I make it without gambling IS a victory…but I have to admist that I do not really feel GOOD..I feel proud of myself for not gambling …but still feel so very low…not ALL the time…but quite a bit (like right now)and the bad thing is, it makes me want to go gamble to see if I can feel better

[libbie]

Hmm–interesting the words you say about gambling defining you…I guess that has happened to me and I just hate to really admit it..Years ago, I always knew I made good choices..in my education, jobs, in the man I married…But I guess that all changed once the gambling took hold…I started making all the wrong choices…. One of my obstacles and maybe one of my triggers to gamble is that I know I can’t go back to where I was before this all started…Just very difficult to accept where I am now and go from here…On the bright side…I am working and I am paying down my debt…I feel that I am a good person and I care about others…but when I gamble I get so careless of that..I have a 27 year old son who I love very dearly and the guilt I feel about losing what would have been his money and not setting a good example for him is huge…
Anyway–don’t want to get into a pity party..Many people in the world and on this site have it worse than I do!
Have to keep up the FIGHT..LOL
You are doing great Thea…keep it going…I will try to do the same!

[libbie]

Hi Sherry–Just dropping in to say hi…I really will take to heart that I cannot stop posting and reading even if I slip..There is NO other way but to come back and keep fighting..I don’t even know a fraction of the reasons that spur me to go out and gamble again but this is a place that helps me pick the fight up again…I am 7 days in…It’s been a struggle a lot of the time…but when I read how others struggle and make it through, it is an inspiration to spur me onwards…and when I see people are struggling even if not doing so great, I at least feel I am not the only one!..I am thinking about excluding myself from the last casino within reach (still 2 1/2 hours away – some reach–non-gamblers would think it insane to drive that far)..Kind of a big step for me..
All the tips that you and othesr post DO help..
Have a nice day–I am at work today so no chance of gambling for now! 🙂

[libbie]

Thanks Vera..Yes–glad I did…Had another very rough part of the day today..I was exhausted after my travels yesterday, went to bed late and had to wake up early for work..I am really noticing I have to get enough rest while fighting this thing…After work, I really wanted to go gamble and I was feeling so resentful about all the struggle…BUT I made arrangements to go to an auction with a friend…Once there, all the thoughts of gambling left my mind and I was able to buy some antiques …and I will actually MAKE money instead of losing it..Another day behind…Fighting…but hope I can stay strong and not weaken!

[libbie]

I think you are doing really great..You’ve got that fight mentality and that is good..I do really well when I have the fight mentality but sometimes that slips and I feel so weak! Yes–we (I ) have given so much to the gambling "charity"..I could have started a real charity for a good cause for all I have squandered through the years..and all I could have saved for my son…It’s just WRONG.
Day 6 or 7 I think..Feeling pretty rotten but have not gambled..Worked today and tonight I am going to an auction..Stay strong..!

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