[liamh35]

Well done on realising u have a problem. And hope you can grasp this addiction n arrest it early. I’ve had the same roulette addiction for 7 years and they have destroyed
My life. You have to let go of the money u have lost and forget about it. Gambling has you beat and that’s it. Gambling 1-0 Marty! Keeping it a secret only makes it worst, from experience it will only make you worst. I know how these machines seem like a quick answer and I’ve lost girlfriends over my addiction also. I’d suggest GA meetings, they really helped me and I’ve done lots of different treatments. Be open and you well get some pride back and beging achieving goals like ur holiday. Don’t even tempt ur self with a few pound or 1 spin. Roullette is over for you if you want to stop. If u need any advice just message me. It helps to talk to people who understand. For both of us! X

[liamh35]

ive had a tough couple of days and lots of time alone to think about my actions and what this addiction is doing to me. i struggling to come to terms with this addiction now than ever. I think its time i start being honest to myself about this obsession. Do i love to gamble? No i dont, i can honestly say i hate it and the obsession of numbers that come along with it. Ive tried many different ways to get gambling out my life from GA to counselling and even been in the Gordon Moody House. All these attempts have made an impact in different ways and have confused the hell out of me that i cant think logically. I think i know now after gambling and having time to think that its time to get back to basics and try clear my mind of my failings and get back to what i believe has worked in the past. GA it worked for me. I cant doubt that, it really made me stay off a bet and i was positive and proud to say “no im not gambling today because im a cumpulsive gambler” and i could say that to almost anyone. Id leave meetings full of energy and positive thoughts, and would struggle to sleep at night with thinking about what had been said in meetings. I need that back because im fighting a losing battle, im out of control. Time will heal this and hopefully ill mature and lose this from my life with the help of other gamblers, people who understand me. Ive sat for two nights looking at these daft machines in bookmakers thinking about how daft i am and how much they want people like me playing them. The industry has no care and would take your last penny. Its why self exclusion is worthless because its all an image they are creating to pretend they care. I hate them. I know there not going to go anywhere but so i need to try turn this round my way and not give them another penny. im destroying my life, im 25 and been here s many times that im numb with it all which i think makes it worst cause its like i dont care, no energy to deal with it, completely deflated. Today needs to be the first day of the rest of my life. Today is day 1, and i know ill manage it no problem with no money, it when it comes to payday, days leading up to this i have to defend myself with everything i can to stay positive and strong to move on and remove gambling from my life.

9 November 2014 is the day it Stops.

x

[liamh35]

I can stop for days and weeks. I’ve done that plenty of times. But right now my mood is so low I can’t stop thinking about it, I must think in my teisted n warped mind that this is the answer to feel better. I Need something, anything in my life to make my life better. I’ve dealt with this for many years and as I’ve said I think I have a good understanding of this addiction but can’t grasp my own lifestyle. The actual only time I feel positive and better is after losing all my money and realise that there’s nothing left. But when I still think there’s a way back that’s when the madness continues! Hate those machines. They should be banned from bookmakers and should have limits and monitored far better. It’s like giving unlimited Herron to a drug addict! Thise machines have no doubt accounted for lots of suicide in the uk! X

[liamh35]

I was given money to go shopping with to by myself something warm to wear. And then i went into bank and lifted money using my driving liscense as my mum had my card. I just feel really low. I can’t keep going this way. I’ll be dead before I’m
30 if I carry on this way. It’s carnage. I Owe so much money, I work part time. N feel like I’m in a horrible cycle. I mean how hard is it? Don’t go near a bookmakers, that’s it!! Simple!!! Don’t gamble! I don’t win! X

[liamh35]

I’m really struggling to cope. ive been gambling all day and got myself in a hole financially. Ive lied
To my parents again n said I went out for lunch with a girlfriend and now I’m going
To go a whole day without eating because they will be suspicious if I start eating after being out all day. I’m a terrible person. I don’t know why I do it! What attracts me to it. I know it destroys me. 100 miles an hour I went today. Just didn’t stop. I don’t know what to do anymore. I seriously am powerless to gambling. I need some other purpose or meaning in my life. I’m going to end up killing myself because that’s the way I feel. I can’t go on feeling this way all the time. I Just don’t feel like anything good happens for me. X

[liamh35]

how do people cope with feeling low? I feel like the whole world is against me and im on my own, nobody understand me or treats me with respect. I feel like im looked down on by everyone and I cant manage to get myself out this way of thinking. I just feel like im fighting a losing battle with everyone at the moment even myself. I don’t know how much has changed over the past month or two apart from im more aware of myself and the feelings im having. Im angry, really angry all the time, just fed up with people making me feel worthless and like im not a human being. I know because im in a hole that gambling that everything probably feels magnified 100 times. I just feel like its getting all too much for me, im trying to please everyone around me and its just not possible. Im trying to have a life but its not working because of all this history with money and gambling. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I was due to see a psychologist and got an appointment that I over a month for to turn up and be told they couldn’t see me, I just feel like im taking steps back all the time. I only work part time and I have far too much spare time, which everyone thinks its my choice and that I don’t want to work full time. ive been looking for jobs constantly and college courses just to try get a change in my life. I also try work with my brothers business which my family feel I should do at every opportunity but I don’t speak to him, I sit in silence scared to say 1 word because he just shouts or makes you feel stupid. Im really trying to remove myself from everything I done in my life when gambling because I feel this is all part of the problem. Just big bullies who think there always right and want to feel bigger and better than you bringing you down. Yet to please everyone in my family they feel like this is all ive got so should just take it and deal with it. I don’t think its fair. I want to do something with my life. My dad speaks to me like crap, like im 12 years old. I hardly speak to him aswell cause I know all ill get is a reaction and a fight and all im trying to do is talk, something he doesn’t do with any of my brothers and sisters because he respects them. I just feel rubbish. I snapped today and had a huge fight with my dad cause I couldn’t take no more. He stormed out cause he couldn’t talk to me as usual. it was over money and it made me feel like I just couldn’t do anything and I went gambling for a bit, losing of course it made me feel 10 times worst. I just don’t know what im doing anymore, nothing makes sense to me and im losing the will to live with it all. x

[liamh35]

I understand what you are saying. Yes ga did work for me. And I did stay bet free, but I’ve lived with his problem for many years now and self analysed myself over and over again asking myself why? Before I would sit and punish myself telling myself I’m an addict, and I will be for the rest of my life and I must stay in ga for the rest of my life now. To some extent this I feel is true but I believe gambling is a symptom of something else a lot deeper and it relates to my lifestyle, emotions, relationships etc. I think it’s important that I look at this now, I’ve always knew this deep down and never done anything about it. I actully believe I used ga as a way of proving myself to others and not myself, and again yes it worked but it may be just a short time answer. I sometimes think we need to take the spotlight off gambling in some cases. Yes the gambling feels like a big thing right now because we are dominated by it but it’s the same alchohol is to an alcoholic. Suppose it’s all good saying this but I guess only I can change this. When I say I want control, it’s not about money as such it’s more about having control of myself. Right now I cant, I’ve proved that to myself. My family have control at this point, I’ve handed everything over but I have a goal that I can regain control of myself emotionally and mentally to be able to have this handed back to me..but that’s in the future. I just want to take a logical approach to this. Yes I’m a gambler, but I refuse to sit like I have done for the last 8 years saying “poor me I’m a compulsive gambler and I can’t help it” it’s not an excuse, I’m
Not sick. I just believe I need to develope and mature, while looking at other aspects of life. And this is all personal feelings and I do not think every problem gambler is the same. X

[liamh35]

Yes family have control again. And I battle with my demons of thinking I deserve control and trust, but I reality that’s just me convincing myself I have self control when I don’t.

I agree, changing everything is something I must do, envioronment, routines and how I spend spare time is a big deal when it comes to my life. I have no hobbys or anything of interest that keeps me stable. Sleeping long hours and achieving nothing allows my brain to fester a feeling of low self esteem and in turn I look to gambling to possibly find a feeling I’ve felt before after a big win. A big win just gives me the feeling like I can do something! I need to find that within myself and use it to my advantage. Win with life and not by gambling.
X

[liamh35]

I’ve had an extreme amount of guilt to deal with and recently its really been hard to forget everything while trying to continue normally. I feel guilty for everything, just day today things like gong out with friends. I feel like im running away from my problems again. Drinking over the weekend not helping as it makes me anxious, hate being around family as i feel ive done something wrong, even though im doing what every other young guy does at weekends. Even at that i cant run completely away, going out with friends and drinking knowing i owe them money, showing no sign of paying them back, i don’t know how they even let me go out with them. It’s so selfish. i need to get this sorted. I think paying back money i owe would help everything. I don’t know if gambling comes in to my life as i think it’s a route out of my problems, but not stopping to think of the consequences to gambling, digging a deeper hole for me to try get out of. If i could just train myself to stop and think before making compulsive decisions. I need to learn to be patient and need to learn that i have a problem and its going to take time before things get better. Financially and in life. I need problems to be addressed but i know at this time i cant have access to money as there is more to this i don’t understand yet. I have great intentions every month of sorting my life out and dealing with everything but i seem to ruin everything with one day of madness, normally payday. Payday seems to be the worst, after im passed that,everything is usually under control and nothing is an issue. I have no issue with having 100-200 pound in my pocket.Things cross my mind but i seem to be able to at that point say no it’s not worth it, i want to spend that money on me or i want to go out, it’s just large sums of money and control. I want control so much, ive begged for it and manipulated convincing myself that i can be grown up and mature enough to say gambling will not be part of my life and i will prove everyone wrong, yet its a mystery to why i lose control straight away. I see control as a problem in my life because i have none, a problem for me because it really makes me feel worthless. Gambling causes all my life problems. Why cant i see that and think logically for a minute and say, been there and if i win, its only gonna be hours or days before i lose what i won and then lose everything else creating a mass of more problems. Winning actually seems to cause more problems than winning. I hate gambling, it’s not fun. Recently when im thinking about gambling i try to say to myself, “no you hate gambling”. I don’t know if this is where the obsession lies either, cause of what its done to me and what ive managed to destroy with it that its really an obsession i cant let go of, wanting to beat it, get what its took from me. I need to learn that its won and hopefully then everything including my guilt and hating myself will stop. actually feel worth something that i can achieve goals without gambling and move on from what i hate. I’ve created this problem in my head, that’s all it is. Yes its addictive but it’s just the way ive programmed my life that there’s easy ways out, i just have to do this the hard way, it’s not even a hard way it’s just a different way from what im used to. Hopefully i can get counselling, as i need to be as positive as possible to achieve and have a bit of drive behind beating this.

x

[liamh35]

Creating My Rock Bottom is something I feel I have to do. One of my biggest dangers to my life is forgetting where this has taken me in my life and how I’ve managed to be pushed to carry out actions similar to many behind bars, on the streets or even dead.

Ok ok so what has a life of gambling done to have me at my rock bottom? Let’s start with finances. Right now today I have debts that at the moment are unmanageable and not being addressed as I don’t know how to manage myself never mind organise money. I got these debts through reaching desperation from losing all my money, taking money from credit cards, overdrafts, and even gambling on mobile phones. Trying to remember that feeling of being in a hole just having lost everything I had begging and hoping I’d have another avenue to cash and continue my gambling. A real feeling of clutching at straws hoping there’s a way, even convincing myself there is a way to get more! Endless hours of no sleep searching for something anything! Not the best feeling in the world I must say!

i think this probably leads on to the lies. Having lost all my money, the cover up starts! Where has the money gone. “I wasn’t paid”, “I lost it” , “I let a friend borrow it” anything and everything is a possibility. Then the lies I tell when borrowing from people, telling them they will get it back as soon as possible! Even gets to the stage where lies become second nature. I even found telling lies when I had done nothing wrong cause even though I may not have gambled I’m always trying to seem ok and normal. Telling lies is not something I want to or like to do so my life becomes very lonely, hiding away in a room, not wanting to face people because if I don’t see them I dont have to lie. I don’t have to put on the performance! It’s a very sickening experience. And majority of time everyone knows around me what’s going on as they know me well so everyone is suffering!

I think 90% of my rock bottom however is created from the things I’ve done to feed this habit. Spending family money, stealing money. Selling jewellery, phones or anything of value. I’ve been pushed to steal from bank accounts, This is where this gambling has taken me. I’m a thief. I’ve stolen from the people I love. The people who look after me! I done that! Nobody else! I done it! And I can never ever go back! I’m lucky to have a home! I’m lucky to have people who understand and there’s no way to make this sound normal or make anyone understand. I STOLE FROM MY OWN FAMILY!

Then there’s the affect its had on me. Health wise, not eating and not sleeping. Endless nights of thoughts of gambling or thoughts of worry as id just gambled everything. Becoming increasingly distant from everyone. I believe given has given me anxiety problems as all I do is think about the worst, always waiting for the next downfall in my life, next time I have to disappoint everyone. I’ve become a very jumpy person, sort of person you would say is scared of his own shadow. And even realised recently how quiet I’ve become around family cause I don’t feel like I have anything worth saying or anything anybody would want to listen to. I don’t feel good enough for anyone and don’t feel like I’m any good.

This is where gambling has taken me! I have no confidence or self-worth and mmy past actions are unforgivable! Why would I want to go back to that? I don’t!

And I’m not going back!

X

[liamh35]

Today is the 15th of October 2015 and this is my fresh start. I’m not going to over complicate things at the moment but I am quite simple going to stop gambling. I am admitting defeat to bookmakers and casinos, they win, I lose. My money is gone and I am not getting it back. Money is not everything and in all honesty I have no need for mass amounts of money. I have been through everything with gambling and its led me to places I did not like, it’s changed me and I am breaking up with it. I’m not addicted to losing money, I am not addicted to hurting people, I don’t enjoy gambling and I know I would much prefer to be doing something else with my life and time.

However I do believe I am addicted to being a “zombie” as I described in my gambling before, losing myself in these machines or games. I’m addicted to forgetting my real problems and my urges to run away are overwhelming, just the exact same way maybe people turn to alcohol and drugs, I have turned to gambling. This is an addiction I have to break, it’s that simple. I need new habits and need to break the cycle of destruction. As I said I don’t feel there is need to complicate this right now as I know with over thinking about MY life, it makes me want to run and forget, something that is obviously a massive trigger in my life to disappear within a bookmakers or casino. I accept that this is not a solution or an option for me any longer and if i took anything from my time at Gamblers Anonymous it would be the serenity prayer.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things i cannot change,

Courage to accept the things i can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

Learning to accept that i cant change what i have done, i cant go back, but i can learn from this. I can never change gambling, but i can change my life and can change and make amends for my actions to others.

So today i don’t feel like being a “zombie”

x

[liamh35]

I’m travelling down to Dudley tomorrow morning. Pretty worried about it all but suppose that’s normal. Can you tell me what the programme is like? I understand it’s Monday to Friday 9-5 but what do you do to keep busy, like at weekends and at night. I’ve been asked to take a radio so I’m assuming there’s no tv or computers?

[liamh35]

Very strange to see someone post in this. I posted this 2012 and never looked at it again. Really brings a lot back. But 2 years on and as you can guess I’m no further forward. But I do enter gordon house on Monday. It’s good to hear from somebody who has had this treatment and it has had a positive impact on there life. Hopefully if I give it 100% I can do the same..

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