[lelbow]

59 days! I have not gambled. Every day gets easier.

I can honestly say that I feel SO much better!! SO MUCH.

Yes- there is a “twinge” here and there where I think about it…. then I think of what I’ve been able to accomplish since NOT gambling.

My Power and Cable bills both have a 0.00 balance…. for the first time in over a year….

I’ve been able to buy things…. I’ve been able to not worry about groceries and food and fun.

I am free!!

But- I reminded myself today to stop back over here in the forum. This is therapy for me as I am not CURED. I must always remember that I am a compulsive, addicted gambler. And I MUST not forget that.

Thank you forum for being my main tool.

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LOL!! Thanks for thinking of me! Not harassing!!

And 500!!!!!!! That’s just awesome…. and inspiring!

Do something nice for yourself to celebrate your incredible achievement!!

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Here it is… Day 39…. my 3rd payday since A. Quitting B. Joining the Forum and C. Self-Excluding.

I have thought about gambling, I have wanted to gamble for VERY fleeting moments. I know it’s still in my blood.

But I have not gambled.

I feel GREAT, I feel so much more motivated than I did when I was playing. My stress level is less. I am happier. And I feel free.

THANK YOU to this group for being there…. and existing.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!

[lelbow]

Day 23- Still going! Tomorrow is Payday, which was always my weakness. It’ll be the 2nd payday since my “Day One.” But I feel strong.

The tools that I have put in place have really helped. I’ve been able to push through the urges by A. Not having access and B. Thinking about where I was on Day 1.

My tools have been:

1. Blocking Access- I’m in the US, so it’s much harder for me to play online as there are only a few options. I was never into sports betting or poker- takes too long! LOL!! I was always in for the INSTANT gratification. Big money fast. I could drive to a brick and mortar casino, but that takes too much effort- and- again, you have to go to the ATM, which is REAL money in hand. I’m more of a “sit in my pjs in front of the screen and spin, spin, spin” person. With “self-exclusion” from the online casinos, I have eliminated my ability to play. That has been the BIGGEST help. And it was SO empowering. It felt good to send those emails.

2. Budgeting- I have a running spreadsheet with all bills, spending $ and savings. And we have started saving for a NICE vacation. We’ve never gone on a nice vacation because I always spent all of our money. Prior to the budget and savings, on payday, I would PLAY to get money for the bills. It was always “20 more bucks and I could have $1000! Then pay of all the bills!!” The $1000 never came and there I was with nothing. Chasing the loss….. over and over and over.

3. Reading the forum- This has been VERY helpful. I’m no longer alone with my thoughts. I can come here and focus on the fact that I am not alone and that there are others out there just like me. I realize now that gambling for me was very lonely. I didn’t realize how lonely I really was.

4. Pride- I take pride in what I’ve accomplished in 23 days. I’m happier, sleeping better and MUCH less stressed.

THE PAIN, LYING, STRESS, GUILT, TEARS, FEAR LONELINESS ARE NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!

[lelbow]

I am on day 16. This forum had been a HUGE help. Also- one of this biggest and most empowering things that I did was the self-exclusion. Emailing and chatting to the sites saying “I have a gambling problem and I need to self-exclude from the site” was AMAZING. I felt so empowered and free. Free from the chains that were leading me, not only into debt, but into guilt, pain, lies, tears, etc.

NO MORE!!!!!

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Vera- What you just wrote is SO TRUE!!! It should be on a billboard.

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I did install a gaming blocker on my computer and phone. I’m still doing OK with the urges- really facing them head-on. The biggest thing is TIME. I have SO MUCH MORE TIME!!! I knew I spent so much time gambling, but now that I’m not doing it, i truly see HOW MUCH TIME it really was. Hours, days wasted.

I told my husband about this forum…. but I waited until day 12. I wasn’t sure if I would tell him at all, but then I just blurted it out. I KNEW I had to do it on my own to start. I had to prove it to myself. It had to be MY accountability. I couldn’t do it for him. Had I told him right away, I would’ve been coming here every day because I told him I would. Once I was able to do it on my own for a while (and in the CG world, 12 days seems like a LONG time), then it was MY thing. And telling him was for me.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

I think he’s a little relieved that this forum exists- he knows that I have others to talk to that understand. 🙂

[lelbow]

Day 15- Still going strong!!

Payday came and went- and instead of Gambling- I PAID BILLS!!!!

As of now, I still feel the urge a bit. My main successes have been blocking and self-excluding from the sites. That has made the biggest difference. Just telling myself- I CAN’T PLAY.

I WON’T PLAY.

So far so good. Here’s to tomorrow!

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Thank you Vera!! And believe me…. it HAS been YEARS and a TON…. TONS of money.

WELL DONE to you as well!!! We’ve GOT THIS!!

[lelbow]

It’s morning 5. Still doing ok. Just a few things to note. I had dreams last night. The main dream was that I won a “random jackpot” of 3K on the game crystal waters. A stupid freaking slot. I woke up and for a split second, thought it was real. And I had the “urge.” It’s the first time I really felt it as an URGE, because before, I would give into it before I questioned it. Like my mind thought it was “ok” because it was in a dream.

I decided to allow myself to focus on the urge, knowing that I couldn’t play. And I was able to consciously FEEL myself struggle. Like the angel and the devil. I want to learn more about the urge, or at least focus on it, so I can identify it when it happens. I need to be smarter than my brain (LOL!!). I need to make the urge the enemy and PROVE to IT (and me) that I am not giving into it. It’s like there is a little dude in my head that is manipulating me, selling it to me, telling me “just one more $20.” I beat him this am, so that’s ONE battle that I won.

I then realized that I never got a response to one of my “self-exclude” emails to slotocash. I checked again, and sure enough, there was one of their “marketing bonus” emails sitting in my inbox. Now, I never played with a bonus b/c I HATE the playthrough requirements, but just the logo in the email made me want to play.

I immediately logged in, which made me kind-of A. Excited (with was the bad dude in my head) and B. Sick to my stomach. I then went to a live chat and let them know that I had emailed and got no response and that I needed my account to be cancelled and I needed to self-exclude. She said I had to sign a form, which was emailed immediately. I open the email, with the form attached, and OMG- this is what the email says!!!!!

“We are in receipt of your account closure request.

we are sad to see you have made this decision.

Please be assured that your custom is very important to us and we would very much appreciate your full feedback as we would like to rectify any issues you may have.

If you wish to give Slotocash another try, please don’t hesitate to contact for complimentary offer.

We invite you to come and Chat with us to find out our hottest games and to stay updated on our exciting promotions!

Should you require any further information or assistance, please feel free to contact us anytime.

Best regards,”

A freaking “Complimentary Offer”!!!!!

These people are GREAT at marketing to us CG’s!!! They know RIGHT where to get ya!!! They pick you up “Oh you’re a VIP now!!! FASTER PAYOUTS!!!” Then you fall on your face.

Thankfully, I was able to SEE IT as a marketing ploy. A marketing ploy to the dude in my head to tell me “Go ahead!! See?? They want you!! They LIKE you!! They NEED you!!! You’re one of their best customers!!”

What a pile of BS. And that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself- WHAT A PILE OF BS!!!!!!!!!

I filled out the form, signed it, and sent it back. They can shove their marketing ploys up their as**s.

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I’m looking forward to MY day 33!!! Keep GOING!!!

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Today is day 4, and again, better than yesterday.

Steps I’ve taken-

1. Contacted support to both sites I have access to. Asked them to cancel and ban me from the site.
2. Set up a budget- so I can see my paycheck come in and HOW MUCH MONEY I’LL HAVE TO PAY MY BILLS!!!! I’ve created the running budget into the future so I can see how much I will save. It give me a goal.
3. Set up an automatic transfer to my husband’s account. As soon as my paycheck hits, the majority will be transferred to my husband’s account, which I do not have access to. This is huge. I’m struggling with giving up “control,” but that’s the issue anyway, right??!!!
4. Visit the forums every day- I’ve started commenting on other posts- it REALLY helps to keep the focus on the fact that I am not alone in this. If my problem can help someone else’s problem, and vice-versa, then at least I can see a little positivity in the struggle.

WE CAN DO THIS.

[lelbow]

I nearly cried when I read this. You are the FIRST person, besides by husband, that “knows.” That was really a liberating feeling. We CAN do this. I KNOW we can.

[lelbow]

Wow!!! Thank you SO much for that!! And thanks to Cherilyn for posting as well.

One of the most poignant moments over the past 12 hours has been the realization that the ONLY other person in my life who I’ve EVER mentioned this to is my husband. NO ONE else has any clue.

And now I’ve told all of you- people that understand. The immense feeling of freedom in just that has been amazing. I nearly cried when I received Cherlyn’s reply- I truly appreciated the “WE” can do this.

I’ve also been trying to think about the “why” behind it all. For me, it is really the online casinos. The brick and mortar casinos just don’t have the same “draw” to me. I can walk into a regular casino and feel nothing. I think it has something to do with tangible cash. In a casino, I have to go to the ATM and make the DECISION to withdraw the money- THEN stick it into the machine. With online gaming, it’s nothing more than the click of a button, $20 at a time. And I never SEE the money…. until I check my bank account.

That’s almost the most ridiculous part. That’s how I played…. $20 at a time. To equal THOUSANDS. It’s always “just another $20 bucks.”

I’m not sure how to get myself banned from the sites- can you add more info?

And I’ll buy the blocking software as soon as I get paid next week.

Today is day 3. And I feel good. I reached out to a credit repair group for advice. I can’t go anywhere but up!!

This forum is really a HUGE help.

[lelbow]

Day 2. I feel oddly empowered. Even though I have NO money until next Friday. I feel better today than yesterday, so here’s to tomorrow!

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