[ld007xxx]

I am starting to notice a pattern with my posts. I seem to go quiet when things are going well but posting has really helped me so far and I’ve noticed a difference on how I feel, think and what I have learnt. One thing is you can’t choose who you love in this world. So I will aim to stick to the forum, I sent my partner the link to the website but I will go on to that.

The latest developments: NEWS FLASH! He gambled his wages yet again I have just got back from visiting him on a weekend away where he is working in Europe. We had a lovely weekend.

Within days of me being back we had argued and fallen out since he told me he lost all of his money gambling online I didn’t shout at him or turn him away as I know it’s a big step for him being able to talk about it when it happens . However his way of talking is mentioning it and I have no say about the matter. He gets angry and walks away, ignoring me and the topic. Ultimate ignorance. Highly infuriates me, I have this built up rage waiting to come out and it always does.

The weekend just gone came and the tip of the iceberg was being surrounded by my friends and family at a bridal shower, most of the women are engaged or in serious relationships and although you never know what happens behind closed doors I told him how I felt (whilst still holding on to the rage from the night before) and that it made me question a lot about our relationship. He got angry and put the phone down turning away from the conversation. Leaving me with more rage. The following day we skyped and got in to a conversation about the previous 2days. He got angry and put the phone down. We exchanged a flurry heated of messages, I eventually turned off my phone and partied with a good friend.

The following day I turned my phone on, eventually spoke to him, I made the decision that I can’t be with him, after finding out he was trying to re-connect with his ex-yet again!

We spoke for over an hour and everything I needed to say that I had built up for weeks all came out and to my surprise he listened, without cutting me off or interrupting. He knows the root of most of our problems stem from his gambling addiction and I can’t enable him anymore, by not doing anything to help our relationship, nor can I stand by him whilst he isn’t doing anything to show me he will change. He is adamant he can’t change where he is, although I know this is an excuse, is he just scared to do this alone? I know he doesn’t want to be a gambler, what it does to him is awful! But I’ve said if he can gamble anywhere in the world and wants help he can defiantly seek help anywhere. I told him I’m not expecting results over night or even putting a time frame on it as I know it takes time but a positive attitude can go a long way. I am hoping that once he has started some kind of treatment we will be in happier place and I will support him through this. I am happy to have him in my life but I have decided I can’t be with him the way we were.

I am hoping he realises he can’t be in control of his money the next time he gets paid which will be this Thursday he makes the decision to trust my-self or a family member to guide him in the right direction. We have been down this road but maybe it will be different this time as he isn’t in the country.

I handle my own finances he has nothing to do with that side of things.

It worries me that he is such a long way off from seeking help. Is he prepared to lose me and our relationship to gamble? I know this is his problem and he has to make a decision but I want him to know he is not alone and he can have all the support he needs, or all the support I can offer him, it isn’t going to be easy but he can do it. I really believe he can. What are the best ways to support him to any differently than what I have been?

He has let me down but I fear telling him that as I don’t want to rock the boat! I will not pretend he hasn’t let me down moving forward, he needs to be aware of his actions and the impact it’s having on me and our relationship. I have lectured him enough in the past there is only so much I can say now and how much I am willing to listen to him. I’m no fool and this situation has tested every emotion I have. It’s all about actions now. I can’t keep hanging on to empty broken promises.

The next couple of days I will find out what barriers he will put in to place. Slow and steady, I want us to be together as if I didn’t this would have been A LOT easier.

At the moment – I fear he will choose gambling over me. I know this is an addiction and he has no control at the worst of it but if he wants to change it surely he can seek help or find it within his own strength to do so. Will the addiction come first and he will lose us without putting up a fight? At least exhaust all options and possible solutions before giving up. I am scared of losing him to that – cheating is also the other ultimate form of deception for me but that’s a whole different forum! I love him and at the moment I am not ready to give him up. I really want to help him but what if leaving him is the only way to help him…… I haven’t considered that.

I will keep looking after myself but thinking about my own boundaries is difficult. I don’t know what they should be. I really wish he would have a decisive bone in his body!

Is it a good thing that I have him the link to the website?

Thank you so much
Lx

[ld007xxx]

Hi Jenny,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and replying, it is really nice to talk to someone I don’t know about what is going on. I apologise for my delayed reply, honestly, things had got better then they got worse before they got better and I don’t know where I am at again.

I have come to the conclusion that he is not ready to quit and I am not ready to leave him. As sad and pathetic as that comes across. It’s true and I am not in denial of the truth.
That being said I took your advice and I have taken better or more care of myself and put my needs first. However still learning how not to let the addiction dictate what happens next. I no longer let the thoughts of what happens next or second guessing as you mentioned consume any more of my mental health, I have my trusty womanly instinct that hasn’t let me down yet and I know when I know. The rest isn’t worth the hassle.

Sometimes I think about doing basic things like saving for a holiday or booking things in advance and contemplate if we will have the spending money whilst away on whatever we initially “planned” for. Example, I booked a hotel and paid for it however the weekend we were supposed to go he had blown all his money on a fruit machine after promising me that he wouldn’t and asking me to trust him just this one time. So I did, to find out later that he had spent the money we were going to spend on a nice meal and drinks. I was devastated but deep down expected it. Are those thoughts me allowing the gambling problem to dictate what happens next?

I almost feel like its our gambling problem and I can’t leave him.

I do what I want to do, I see my friends, I go to work, I have my own life. However when he is with me he is better and doesn’t gamble. How can he learn to be like this on his own? Im not expecting for big results, certainly not overnight. I have no expectations just want to support him.

Further to the recent developments he was offered a job with his Dad and has gone to work abroad. We spoke about gambling and we both know you can’t move house and run away from your problems, but you can move house and take them with you. The in-denial cracks were always visible but clearer when he was determined that working abroad will help him to stop gambling. This was a failure in the making but I didn’t put him down. Just kept my disappointment to myself. Since being away he was 2 days in and gambled £3000. This money came from a watch he sold for £6000 and had gambled the £3000 prior to moving abroad. A week later I went to see him, he didn’t gamble, and yesterday he tells me he won back the £3000 – I was disappointed but relieved he can come to me this is a step to allowing me to help him one day? without having to end our relationship?

Back to the point after losing the money he said he was sorry he wants to come home, i simply said he doesn’t have to apologise to me its himself he’s letting down which is more hurtful. I told him he cant come home he will see the job through and and achieve something that he can make himself proud of. i told him that losing the money has left a negative impact on this thoughts and he must not be defeated by the aftermath. Find a place within himself where can go to. And later hopefully when I get through to him somewhere praise him for having the strength to talk about it, pointing out that he can do the what seems impossible, I wasn’t expecting a response but was that the right thing to say? How can he think this will ever resolve itself?

He has never been a violent person and I know that the incident I last mentioned was just an outburst and symptom of the addiction.
Perhaps I can show him this website let him know that if he gamble anywhere in the world he can enable himself to stop if that’s what he really wants. He say’s it is, but is he saying that to keep me? I believe he can change and I know he can do it.
Thanks again for listening and taking the timeout it really has helped me and I can only hope it helps him one day.
Apologies for going off on tangents, its the story of my life!

L x

[ld007xxx]

I accidentally saved without completing! I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he went to prison 3 month in to our relationship he never asked me to hang around or wait for him and we never knew he would get as long as he did. I stayed loyal throughout it was really difficult but i loved him. I was unaware how serious gambling actually was and had been warned to stay away as he was quite bad on the roulette. This wasn’t enough to keep me away, I didn’t really understand what it meant to have a gambling problem. When he came out things got serious quite quickly but it wasn’t long before he showed his true colors. At first I took it quite personally and it affected my health and well being. I thought it was me and with the gambling came lies and deceit. We managed to get passed a lot and as I took his stresses on as my own I was on a mission to help him. We have never really done nice things on my birthday or been to nice places or created memories cos of gambling. His first year out of prison was an absolute nightmare, socializing with criminals, still committing crimes to gamble, we were constantly arguing and I am surprised we made as far as we did. He always promised he wanted to change and I have seen gamble from £100’s to now £1000’s at a time. We went to GA a year ago and he immediately said it wont work! He is selfish, lacks ambition and has been totally sucked in by his gambling problem. He has come from a very good background his parents are separated but have made sure they stayed together for him. He has not made a conscious effort to change his habits and behavior. He has stolen from his mother, friends and probably me. He seems like he doesn’t even want the help and at times shows as if he is in-denial. He is convinced he can beat the bandit and do it alone and refuses to accept help. He makes endless promises and hurts everyone around him but to people that don’t know him he acts the martyr. Yet I still love him, i don’t doubt he loves me but i know he isn’t what i need or want and he really needs to focus on himself. I try to leave him but he always comes back and I let him after we have cooled down. He has periods where he is motivated and doesn’t gamble or commit crimes and looks after himself. It is always inconsistent but he is truly loving and caring. 2days ago we agreed I would help him to manage his money, he is in untold amounts of debt that he doesn’t want to payoff! and yesterday he asked me for £70, I refused to give it to him as I knew he had an urge to gamble. I sent him £20 for a few bits. I returned from work, he arrived an hour later, immediately I knew he had been gambling he demanded £400 of his money and became very aggressive. I gave in and I knew I shouldn’t have but I honestly have had enough nor did I have the patience with all his threats. I went out and within an hour he called and said he wanted the rest of his money! He threatened to kick my door in. I was scared but believed he wouldn’t I returned home let him in he trashed my flat, looking for his money and then we got in to a physical fight he didn’t hurt me but I have never seen him so angry calling me names and throwing things at me. I gave him the rest of his money and asked him to leave. He called gain at 3am demanding I give him the rest of his money as he had nowhere to sleep and needed money for a hotel in total he had received £1200 there was no more money left so he threatened me with suicide. I sent him £100. I have no intention to enable him and understand how it can come across but what do you do in that scenario? the state he was in anything is possible and I don’t want that on my conscious. I haven’t heard from him and as far as I am aware we are over. I do still love him but whilst he has a gambling problem I can’t be with him, not any more. How can I stay strong now?

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