[lauren05]

I’ve just received a call from Gordon Moody that I have a confirmed placement for June ! Whoa !
Shock, Horror, Fear ! I don’t know now……

My head is in a spin…. I feel so nervous. I have a battle going on. I must do this. It is my only chance yet the demons are fighting back cos they know I’m going to war with them now !
This is not easy. I feel maybe I’m not ready.

I’ve just started this big journey. I haven’t done enough yet. I have to face my payday at the end of this month. I haven’t blocked or self excluded from sites. I’ve always kept a backdoor open. I am in a tizz.

I have to do the right things to snap out of this and do what I know I should to secure my salary and take action to STOP for GOOD ! This has come so soon. I was expecting it but maybe it is a good thing that I don’t get a chance to fall off the wagon again ? Struggling to come to terms with this today. It’s like giving up my favourite toy that I’ve been hanging onto for years and has been my comfort, my escape, my life !

Appreciate any support I can get now…..please….. I am so scared…..

Lauren

[lauren05]

Thank you for your support, Kpat. Yes, to me the shame and guilt is mostly around my child. I wish I could just do it for him. He has turned his life around and is so responsible and I receive such positive comments about him and his caring nature, that I feel so ashamed. All I’ve taught him has made him a lovely likeable, good person and look at me, selfish, dishonest and a failure.

I has been long lonely journey of struggle and torment where one feels you’re all alone. I used to look around at my colleagues and Clients on site and think none of them know what I’m going through or are ignorant enough to do this. They’re all professionals. Yet I am mature and more senior and have lost the plot. I used to listen how my colleagues and people on junior levels speak about their holidays or going on their next planned holiday to a country they’ve never been and I used think I can’t believe this. Here I am earning so much more than them and when I took holidays, I stayed at home, only to gamble as I didn’t have money to go on holidays anymore like I did.

I can’t achieve half the things I need to do because gambling has captivated my time and my life. So many things I could do and have but never had the money to do which was well in my reach only because I gambled all my salary away in the last few months.My money was gone before the end of the month and I wasn’t even in the new month.

But I have realised I can’t win this battle by myself or within myself. I am not strong enough. My faith in God is strong. If I remained faithful in doing what I know I should do to keep on the straight and narrow and trust God and stop relying on my self efforts, I will overcome. This battle has already been won and overcome by God. I need to accept, believe and trust God.I’m glad to hear you find Him too, essential to your recovery.

It is very encouraging to hear how stopping over the last 6 months has made a huge difference. I need to learn that this will apply to me too if I stop. I can win and get into a better financial position if I stop gambling, rather than the reverse.

I’m still thinking of how to secure my next salary. I have so much to pay and have to pay my company card too which is arrears and I can’t use, so I just have to. My clear, right, normal mind tells me what I know I should do but heaven forbid these evil demons convincing me and leading me down that dark track with again.

Funny, my daily reading today was….’One step closer’…. One day closer to getting a glimpse of the ‘summit’. It’s like a guide leading the way and shining a torch on the path in a jungle in the dark but I veer off into the dark jungle to find my own way. I’ve been deceived into thinking that money is the answer to all my needs and lost my character in the process.

All this must change. I want to be recover, get my life back and be normal again and value and appreciate the simple things in life and know that I am blessed.

Stay strong and focused.
Thanks.

Lauren

[lauren05]

Thanks for your support, Charlster. I felt I was the only one in my world and for years no one knew the dark secret I had and the only hope of getting somewhere and having money. I totally believed and trusted gambling more than anything else. No one could convince me otherwise. That was my escape, my saviour, my life. I felt I was self sufficient having gambling there.

How wrong I was ! It changed me as a person. I lost my purpose in life, meaning and didn’t enjoy any normal simple things in life. It had to be big, not simple. I couldn’t spend time with friends or hobbies as that inconvenienced and robbed me of my gambling time. When I was out, the voices in my head danced around even more and became more and more attractive and excited to me that I couldn’t wait to get home to get that win. That turned me into a liar and being dishonest when being asked to go out or questions about my lack of finances. It infuriated me. I didn’t think it was any of their business anyway. I was only accountable to myself and was destructing myself no one else. But I was destroying everyone around me too without realising it. I lost my partner of 6 years and damaged close family relationships.

But for the first time I feel surrounded by people who understand what I’m going through and has been there. I can’t just stop as I’m told to and stay stupid by throwing money into a dark hole and fund some wealthy person while he sits on sandy shores in the Caribbean with a pina colada. Most of this only drove me further and deeper into my dark secret world of gambling which one day I would show everyone I’ve got it all.

That day never came but only destroyed my soul more and more and sent me on a downward spiral of guilt, shame and remorse which resulted in depression with no money and no value of money. A vicious cycle.

Thanks for your support and reading my post.
All the best for you, too, Charlster. You are a real stalwart and warrior !
Lauren

[lauren05]

Hi Smee,

I’m new to this site but I agree with Charlster. I’ve been where you are with nowhere to turn. I didn’t want to let anyone know but eventually had to tell my partner who was horrified and I ended up packing up and moving in with him. But I didn’t stop and soon he kicked me out and I had to confess to my sister and move in with her. It is the worst and most horrid painful thing anyone could go through cause you know you only did it to yourself.

But please don’t even consider loans. Like Charlster, I took them too but only went back to gamble it. Going to short term loans and loan sharks won’t help either as you’d do the same and end up paying a fortune in interest. Talk to someone. I know it’s the last thing you may want to do but it’s the better option and they can support you. Try discussing it with your landlord or agent. They’re human and everyone hits on tough times. You don’t have to tell them the real reason. Most of us have been where you are. I’m battling now but managed to pay my rent before going in a mad reckless spree.

There are always options and alternatives. Don’t fret or despair. Breathe deeply, focus on you so you can think clearly. Remember you have time. You have to cross that bridge tomorrow. Take it one day at a time, so don’t fret about it now. We’re here to help and support you.
Stay focused.
Lauren

[lauren05]

I called my son today, he’s 22 to follow up on his health after he was hit by a drunken driver while on his motorbike at Easter and was hospitalised. He’s on crutches now with plates in his legs but is paying half his salary to get to work by taxi and doesn’t get paid when he doesn’t work, another story. He mentioned the financial problems he’s having and said I think I’ll just take some money and go to the casino ! Obviously, he knew I used to go. I then ended up begging him not to even think that way. His birthday is on Wed and I said I’m sorry I won’t be able to send him any money for his birthday but I would when I could. He then asked me the big question everyone asks….. mom, what debts do you still have when you have such a good job ? It threw me but I ended up admitting the extent of my gambling and how I am addicted and felt so hurt I couldn’t be there for him and help me out. I burst out crying but he was very supportive but it made me feel shameful and despicable.

I’ve always lived for him and supported him all my life. His hospitalisation cost a fortune and is still racking up a huge bill but fortunately his father is paying for it but I have to contribute too. Anyway, we chatted and I said I was dreaming of us going on holiday together to Hawaii or somewhere as we did before and was so encouraged and blessed to hear how keen he was on doing that with me. He has a girlfriend who I haven’t met yet but he is prepared to go alone with me. It’s something I should set as a goal and try to work towards achieving. That would make me ecstatically happy.

[lauren05]

Today I woke up thinking this is a new day and I must focus on being positive. I reflected and had my quiet time with prayer and planned to do some neglected chores around the house and clean to make me feel better as I cannot abide an unclean, disorderly place. But as I was quietly doing things and walking in the garden these demons were reminding that I could only get money to pay my debts from just going back on the site. I was tempted to just look to see if there may be a bonus to play with as I haven’t got any money but I refrained ! I told myself I will not listen to the lies and deceits of the demons and devils on my shoulders.

But I have to keep occupying my time, being productive and keep my mind busy to avoid being tempted by the attraction and lure of those bright light attractions. I’ve taken pictures of my very big wins and they always play on my mind to remind me how often and how big they were. I tell myself I did when I played, I just was never able to stop because I kept playing for a bigger win and then lost it all down to the last cent, in the hope that my luck changed. I just couldn’t settle for less than that win and tried to get back up again.
I have to let go of these thoughts……. For now, Im going to unpack some boxes I’ve haven’t opened for 6 months since moving in as my time was totally dedicated to gambling only.
I also plan to just do some ironing while watching TV to fill and bide away the time tonight. I know I will go to sleep around
2 am and have to form a normal sleeping pattern again.
Hope tomorrow gets easier……….

[lauren05]

Butchugly, thanks for the encouragement and support. I can’t even see myself stopping but I so much want to. That’s why I’m taking one day at a time. For now, I am not gambling only because I have no money to gamble, so it is no test for me. My biggest test is when I get paid again. I’m struggling with managing to address the non payment on my company card which I should have paid from my expense payment but through it right back in to gambling. I have no control. I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my life and be realistic about my future. I just want to be normal again and enjoy the simple things in life like cycling and gym I was passionate about. Needless to say I’ve put on weight from the binge eating as I’m a comfort eater and my pain, guilt and shame results in this.
I hope it gets easier…….

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