[lauren05]

On Friday I received my GMA letter in the post with the details for my residential recovery at GMA’s lovely Victorian country house with peaceful surroundings. I’m preparing my mind and have to get my things sorted and organise my life. This is it now.

8 days and I’m still gamble free but it is no test as I have no money to gamble. The test will be when I get paid next week. Keep telling myself I will not give one cent of my salary this month to gambling. Strangely this demon actually learns to leave me alone when he knows I don’t have any money to play ! How ironic is that ?

The thoughts are still rife tho’ but I speak to myself each day to make me stronger in believing and telling this demon he is not getting one cent of my salary this month !

I bought my train ticket for work next Wed on my overdue company card and only have the £14 for the taxi to get to the Client site. For the rest of the week I can work from home on other assignments, thank you Lord.

I went to bed late last night again. Can’t get to bed before 2am and then sleep till lunch time every day. Not doing me any good. So hard to break the cycle I’ve become used to.

Yesterday I noticed one of the gold fish in the pond lying on his side displaying a shiny gold underside and I knew something was wrong. I’ve been watching the gold fish in the pond every day which the landlord told me I don’t need to feed or care for but I have and even tried cleaning the pond following my research.

I watched how this poor fish battled to breathe and swam on his side but kept struggling. I sat and watched him helplessly for hours, dying. I found myself praying for this poor creature as my broke my heart to see it suffer and I had no way of helping.

I was so annoyed at myself of gambling again. I planned to get the pond water tested a week ago as I knew the water balance would be out but didn’t do so as I didn’t have a cent to pay for any remedial treatment. I watched the fish swim into a crevice and almost lift his head out of the water either for air or to die quicker and found him dead in the crevice today.

But today I also seen another goldfish lying and swimming on his side. I dressed and dashed out with a water sample and photo of the pond to the pond expert at the garden centre about 40 minutes away. I couldn’t bear see these fish die like this. I took my last £14 but prayed that I wouldn’t have to pay for treatment. The consequences of my actions a stark reminder of my gambling addition.

The water was tested and found to have a very low ph and very little oxygen due to the moss and algae on the surface of the water which the fish fed on and covered the pond. I was advised to empty 50% of the water, skim off all the algae and slowly run tap water into the pond which has a high ph. I rushed home and skimmed off all the algae on the surface with a net, then filled 2, 10 litre buckets of pond water and walked to the top of the garden to empty it on the shrubs. I did this with over 20 trips of 2 buckets of pond water. I felt like Jill walking up the hill with two pales of water.

It was heavy and I was sweating walking up and down but I was praying to save the fish. My emptying the pond didn’t drop the water level very much but then I thought I’ll run the tap water in so at least I could increase the ph of the water and hopefully save the fish. I also removed a load of sludge and silt from the bottom of the pond and continued to try to empty the pond water.The fish were nowhere to be seen. I just hoped that they had not all died.

But what a surprise after I stopped to see a frog sitting on the side of the pond with his head above the surface. And then suddenly all 6 fish starting doing a marathon in single file around the pond, swimming fast and madly, then darting off in the opposite direction in single file again !

I couldn’t believe my eyes. They came alive and seemed as if they were dancing and swimming close to the surface so I could see them as the water was murky from the sand, to thank me. They always swim away and hide when I’m there as I understand they are shy.

I was wet, sweaty and dirty with my wellies but I felt so good and made me realise how I’ve lost the joy for the simple things in life and this brought me so much joy. I even found newts and other creepy crawlies which I caught in my net and picked up in my gloves and threw back in the pond, something I’d never do as I’m very squeamish.

So today was a good day and not once did I think about gambling !

One day closer to my recovery.
So just for today, I did not gamble.

[lauren05]

Indeed, listening to war veterans makes one feel small and places things in our lives in perspective when we know we don’t half hear the horrific experiences they carry and never had the support structure we have today.

Yes, it’s so hard leading a double life hiding this secret and having to be ‘normal’, efficient and professional at work, with friends and family. We do have to endure so much more the struggle going on inside and the emotional downward spiral that surfaces in moods and flying off the handle for the least thing. But you’re right we are strong people, warriors and survivors with an Achilles heel.

Thanks for pointing out not to beat myself up as it is counter-productive and doesn’t help. We have to use the tools we have to narrow down the chances of gambling and take steps to our recovery.

My faith in God is still my one and only strength that gets me through and keeps me strong. I have to keep looking up. I always think of how Peter could walk on the water as long as his eyes was on Jesus but when he looked down and around him at the waves and the storm, relying on himself, he sunk.

Pat, yes I do know that song. It has beautiful words. I was fortunate to be brought up in a committed Christian family and know many of the songs and hymns off by heart. When I’ve been really low, the words of some of these golden old hymns came to mind and it has just the words to lift my spirits and speak into my situation.

I was reminded to give praise and sing and it made such a difference. It is very difficult to sing and stay unhappy and low. The verse of scripture is true……’put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.’ Most times we have to decide not beat ourselves up or feel down and make choices to be happy and not give in to our urges. It is a matter of choice and a decision, not following our feelings which will succumb to that demon and will screw up our head.

Stay focused…..look up and ahead and not at the past which you cannot change and will call you back to keep you from moving forward.

Lauren

[lauren05]

David,
Coming back to start again and pick up the pieces after falling is a good start. Well done ! The urges come with the attraction of winning but that is the addiction. It doesn’t come to remind you of the consequences or the guilt and remorse.

Yo have to stop. Gambling is not the answer. You’ll end up years later like most of us, having lost everything including our personality and character as gambling doesn’t rob your of money only, it robs your of your self worth, esteem and happiness. You become consumed with gambling. You’re young and have your life ahead of you. Don’t spurn your chances. We cannot beat this monster, he comes back and we end up playing back any win too. Learn from others’ mistakes while you’re young and make your life worth living.

These short thrills do more harm than good and we end up with nothing. Soon we lose everything but cannot control or help ourselves. I’m going into residential treatment for help and being struggling for over 25 years. It got 100 times worst when I found online gambling and all I worked for was gambling and lost all my salary the very day I received it to gambling.

Keep posting and just take one day at a time. When you get the urge, delay it for later or come on here and express your feelings in your journal. The community and support groups are here to help you. You could also try the helpline for a one to one chat for support.

Stay focused and be strong.
Lauren

[lauren05]

Charlster, that is so good to hear that you’ve bought your ticket. I’m sure this week will be very busy with all that is required while you’re away but so good to hear you’re nearly there and on track.

I received my letter from GMA on Friday and have come to terms with it so looking forward to it now but have loads to do and need to get support, hopefully from my neighbour, to look after my 2 cats. Fortunately, the new program for women is for a 4 day stay only and one overnight at the end of 12 weeks, so I can manage it. I would not have been able to do it if it were a 12 week residential program so I can only admire you for your commitment and lengths you’ve gone to be supported and keep your flat while you’re away.

Thanks for your support and postings. It has encouraged and helped many of us here with the time you’ve taken to go out your way to support others. God bless.

Lauren

[lauren05]

Kpat, I believe this message was just for me. I know I have to tithe again but just couldn’t because I ended up with not even having enough money for my bills due to my bad choices.
I always tithed regularly all my life and had my money taken out of my pay and paid over so that the church benefited from the tax relief but I stopped that when I moved away and wasn’t attending the same church any longer.

But deep down I always felt and believed I was also struggling ( I can hear my mother’s voice) because I was not tithing anymore. I throw some loose coins I have in the offering. I use to convince myself that God doesn’t need my money and won’t love me any less and I am under grace not law and He understood my situation and knows I will give ‘when I come right’. I wrong I am.

I have had many messages and words in season come to me during these times but I just could not let go of the last I had which couldn’t even see me through the month. It was always my efforts to get through and not being able to let go and trust God.

But one day in church at the end of March this year after I had gambled both my salary and one month’s bonus (I was so blessed with a good bonus) and was totally devastated and depressed, I was moved when it came to the offering and I said God, you know I only have this £20 in my purse. It is all I have. I didn’t have any small change to throw into the offering. But I said God I’m trusting you and giving back what you gave me. Tomorrow I know that you will take care of me ‘cos I am more valuable than the birds who don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet our heavenly Father feeds them.

I put my faith in God and took out the £20 note and put it in the offering and trusted Him to see me through but I didn’t know how in my practical and logical mind this would happen.

I went to work the next day and finished early arriving home and saying Lord, you know I don’t have any more money to get to work tomorrow but it’s all in your hands and I’m just trusting you. I thought in trying to analyse how I am going to get through this that perhaps maybe I’ll be given something that I could do working from home that I didn’t have to travel in to the Client site ‘cos I didn’t know any other way out.

I arrived home and picked up the only letter behind the door. It was from the bank. I was not ready to open this as I knew it had to be about outstanding payments, late fees whatever. So I just threw it one side and went to change. I made something to eat and watched TV. Every time I went into the kitchen, the letter was looking at me but there was no way I was going to open it.

Don’t know how, why or when but after ages, I did open that letter. It was a letter from the bank and it stated that they had wrongly overcharged me interest on my closed loan from 2008 when they shouldn’t have and enclosed a cheque for £1,619.25 ! It was 15 minutes before bank closing time and gave me just enough time to get down and into the bank just as it was closing the door to deposit the cheque into my account.

So it is so true, God DOES honour us when we honour Him with our tithes. Funny, I forgot about that till now. Because I did use the money to pay my company card but went right back in and gambled most away and put myself straight back to square one with some to spare !

You have opened my ears and eyes to hear and listen what I know I should do. Thank you so much of sharing this on here.

You are an Angel sent to throw true light on this for me.

I am thrilled to hear how you continue to honour God in your tithes. And 10% of your gross is a huge chunk. I have never given that in my life yet. You are being blessed so much and are not short in your outgoings. Amazing ! Faithful God !

Bless you…….

[lauren05]

Today, I am suffering from no sleep at all night. I couldn’t focus on my deadline for work and did everything yesterday to distract me from doing it while keeping colleagues happy with progress, so they would not be alarmed. I even sat and watched TV till 11pm.

Then I went to do my work but still avoiding this major complex proposal I had to do, went on my personal laptop ‘to block the sites’ and ended up going on the sites and gambling in demo/practice mode with no real money till 2:30 am !
How sick is that ?

I seen how it would take me up then right down to the last bet before slowly turning around again. This went on thrice till it ended up with zero after £5, 000 win ! How have I been taken all this time but just could not see it and think normal. But I am not cured and my weak self will and could trust and succumb to the lies of this demon in me again.

Then slowly I tackled the task before me and worked till I finished the document at 7am ! Tried to sleep for 2 hours but got woken by my work phone asking about the document. I didn’t want to send it at 7am or they’ll realise I’ve been working till late on it, so sent it then.

I had loads of ‘interruptions’ from work and didn’t get a chance to get some sleep. I was walking around like a zombie till I chatted to my sister in another country on Skype for our daily ‘catch up and support session’ and was advised to have a shower and attend a meeting and tea with the ‘Bomber boys’ which I had booked for. Bomber boys were war veterans who flew the bombers for the air warfare in WW2.

Had a shower at the last moment and walked to the village hall. It was so wonderful being outdoors in fresh air and feeling the lovely fresh spring air and warm sunshine with the birds singing happily in the lush woods on my way. I really enjoyed my time there listening to the Bomber boys now in the 90’s and appreciated how much was sacrificed and given to give us the freedom we have after the war.

I left early to get back to work and realised how wonderful and precious life is. There are so many things, simple things we have to enjoy and given for our pleasure and delight , yet we totally spurn it and seek for pleasures that only bring destruction and heartache. I felt for the first time that I was being normal again and realised I could be happy and laugh with others even much older than me. It was a good moment in time. I must learn to value more of these simple things in life with no cost or very little cost which have far reaching results and are more lasting.

Life is good. Live it to become your true self again and develop your character, strength and inner beauty; qualities that make you happy and love others and make you a better person but cannot be bought with money.

So just for today. I did NOT gamble.

[lauren05]

Kpat, thanks for reading my post and for your support.
Oh, I can see and hear exactly what position you’re in just as me ! We’re like the packhorse, gofer and never fail to deliver even at our own expense and time ! Just pile it on, we can do it, no problem…. right ! We have a short week next week too.

But running to our friend for comfort more and more often than before to cope and escape has just the reverse effect and we end up in worst pain and lows than ever before. Like you, I just can’t win or even breakeven anymore, it’s just loss after loss after loss but I cannot stop or control myself like a person obsessed (possessed, my mother would say) to play the last penny in the hope that the tide will turn.

But I just don’t learn and pardon the expression but like a dog returns to its vomit, I go back again. Hate it ! Hate it ! Hate myself for succumbing. But I feel a bit free since not gambling since 16 May – 6 days now. Monumental for me who played every single day.

But I feel stronger and focused to hold onto to my salary this month (she says in her ‘right’ mind) and pay my company card FIRST. I made the dreaded call to the card company and prayed, Lord please help me cos I can’t do this call, to let them know I would be late and couldn’t pay on time. I was taken aback when he butt in to say ‘no problem, I’ll make a note that there’ll be no restrictions on the card, thanks for letting us know. ‘ Thank you, Lord, !

That was a miracle as I’ve been down this road every single month and threatened that my card would be suspended or taken away but would not be available for further use until I brought it up to date. So I quickly went online to book a train ticket in advance for next Wednesday to attend a Client site and it still worked. I am holding onto the only and last exact amount of cash for the taxi there, too.

What shocked me into reality today and gave me a rude awakening was a message I received from another gambler who I met at a GA meeting. She said. ‘Oh, Lauren, I am so stupid. What possessed me to do it again ! Got paid already overdrawn and lost everything in half an hour. Not even end of month, let alone have all of next to deal with, don’t know what I am going to do. Stay an idiot. ‘

It was like I was reliving my past monthly experiences and seeing myself next week if I were to even think of going there when I get paid. What a startling reminder to place me on guard and not for a moment to think I’m ok and let my guard down. This evil monster appears to me as an angel of light but I must not be deceived. Its all lies, lies, lies ! Gambling will never help us. The only win we will ever have is by NOT gambling.

So come payday, I cannot, cannot afford to mess this up. I’ve been given an excellent golden opportunity to turn my life around and must embrace this and will definitely share the tools with you.

I plan to pay my bills on payday and any surplus money…..really overdraft credit, I need to move to the savings account so it won’t be available on my card. I need to hold fast on to my money and made a promise to myself not to spend one penny on gambling which will lead to the rest of it going too, before going in and hopefully for the first time in years, not have a single transaction for gambling on my bank statement !
I’m surprised that the bank has tolerated this and even increased my overdraft when all one sees is transaction after transaction of cash payments for gambling sites !

Thanks for your prayers, I feel it and praying for you and many others on here who touch me with their distress and struggle.

Take care and stay strong.
xxx

[lauren05]

Today I feel so overwhelmed with all the pressures from my personal and work life. Today I’ve been pushed to take on more assignments at the same time when I have deadlines for my current two. And I’m being pressured to get something out in drafts today for the existing two. Truth is I haven’t started anything. I have to work on that tonight in my time now.

My head is in a spin and I cannot focus so I’m looking to my coping mechanism again for help. Only beauty is I haven’t got a cent to play. But I’m not going there.

All this is getting too much for me. I booked my time off from work in the system for when I go into rehab and just as well as work had booked me for an immediate urgent assignment without my notification which clashed with my placement. So I’m pleased that I crossed that hurdle with my employer today.

Had a chat with helpline today which helped me to stay focused and take it one day at a time. I need to get my head around this. I feel I’m throwing myself into work to cope with my anxiety but I am not concentrating and spending hours doing nothing and not getting any results. Just responding to my team and management at work to keep them happy and let them know I am working on it.

I’ve got such a headache. I need to eat and drink. My body is aching. Maybe I should go for a walk but I can’t afford the time cos I have so much work to get out for tomorrow. Story of my life. That’s why I gambled late at night as my form of relaxation and entertainment and went on till the early hours of the morning or all night when I lost.

I’m going to bed too late at night, too. Went to sleep at 2:30 am again last night. I have to break this cycle and pattern. It’s not doing me any good. I stay tired and feel bloated and fat. I’ve got to start to learn to like me again. I seem to have changed for my ‘gambling partner’. I became a different person but not a nice person. I’ve lost all my inner beauty and values.

Have to stay strong and focus and spend time in prayer and mediation for strength and to learn to trust again.

[lauren05]

KPat, those words are so comforting and makes me realise what a great opportunity I’ve been given. I’m so happy to hear how excited you are for me. True Christian love…..

It’s only a 4 day overnight stay in the program for women so I can fit that in, with a 12 week subsequent program. I applied for this cos I felt I was such a hopeless case and had no control. Their is always a way back in and we know so well where to find it. So I need to overcome and get it out of my system.

Thanks for your love and support.
Lauren’

[lauren05]

That moment with your son singing to you and saying thank you is priceless. That says it all and means so much. You’ll never forget that, KPat. You are special and mean so much to him.

Keep doing what you do.
Lauren

[lauren05]

That’s great kPat. Just take a moment to breathe and compose yourself at times like that. It helps. I always picture myself when I’m out of this rush and in your case watching your son at the concert.

I found out why I couldn’t send my message. It’s because I used a smiley face. The system throws out an unexpected error and states try again next time. I still got the error today but worked it out. Bit of useless invormation……

Lauren

[lauren05]

Sorry to hear about your aggravation and frustration today, kPat. It’s the same the world over.
Hope the spring chorus concert went well and helped you relax and unwind. You will be so proud of your boy.

I sat for hours now reading your journal and felt the pain and all the same feelings with you. It just took me back to my days at casinos. It was as if you were writing my journal.

It is such a stark reminder that this beast is so much bigger than we expected but never too big that God cannot deliver you or set you free. I’m routing for you and praying for you.

You have the right focus and tenacity to succeed with a loving caring husband. You are very blessed. You also have a wonderful family who are close and loving and no family is without the normal growing up pains. They bring us closer and give us good times of sharing, laughter and memories.

I was so amused and laughed out loud at your ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ analogy when you self excluded. That was classic and you didn’t turn around and turn into a pillar of salt.
Well done on your journey and picking up to get back on track. It is a journey and each day is one step closer.
You’re doing so well and I look forward to your posts.

Keep posting.
Lauren

[lauren05]

I called the helpline as Charlster suggested and was so pleased I did. Never thought or tried it before. I learnt that I was fearing my escape route being taken away and that going on this program will teach me why I needed to escape and to deal with those issues that led me to gambling.

Change is the other thing that frightens me because I know I have to stop completely what I’m doing and learn to lead a new life where I can enjoy the simple things in life and appreciate life and start liking myself again.

Gambling has turned me into a self-centred, selfish, ugly, unfit person. I was a passionate endurance cyclist who did many challenging road races, one where I was the only woman with 2,000 men as it was so challenging, probably a man’s race. But I’ve lost all my excitement for life. Gambling has ruined any motivation or interest in anything I’ve had.

When I admitted to my son about my gambling, he listened and said it’s OK, mom, don’t worry about me, just look after yourself. He said when he needs money he sells some of his things like he’s selling the iPhone 4 I gave him and suggested I sell some of my furniture as I’m on my own and don’t need all that furniture. I felt so bad.

But when I told him I don’t go out anymore or exercise, he chipped in quickly and said, ‘What mom, you’re not cycling anymore ?’ with all the shock and surprise in his voice that it stopped me in my tracks. I can still hear his voice now. That made me realise just how much gambling had robbed from me, so much more than just the money which was huge in itself !

So I’ve decided to embrace this opportunity of being given the opportunity to become ‘ clean’ and going into rehab where I will have experts to deal with the source and causes and get me healed with tools for ongoing recovery.

I took action and decided to go to my Lifegroup meeting from my church tonight which I’ve avoided for weeks and lied about excuses for not being able to attend. It did me good as they were so welcoming and I met new people. They were celebrating a Dutch lady’s birthday who I befriended when sharing a room with her at the church’s ‘ Girlz Connect’ spa weekend away.

I felt good being there and even contributed when before I just sat there and thinking what a waste of time, I’ve got better things to do ! ….. Yes, gambling….

I’ve got home and spent most of my time reading kPat’s journal and was amazed how familiar it all was. We all do the same and go through the same cycle and find ways to go back or keep the door open.

But it made me see what happens when one does fall and reminded me of the pain, remorse and guilt feeling which hangs over one like a thick dark cloud about to burst with rain with not a penny to my name. It made me realise I can’t go back there. I will never recover my losses and I will never get out of my debt and only get into a worst situation of probably being homeless.

I read of how the casinos lure you with VIP dinners and entertainment which cost you 100 times more in losses than their offer and how they play mind games and set the scenes even in decorating the casinos to make you comfortable and lose all sense of time. In fact they know who you are and when you win or lose. I remember my VIP manager calling me to congratulate me on my wins when I cashed out and then would call or mail me to let me know he’s given me a bonus to help me out when he saw how much I lost !

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I was notified that he was viewing my LinkedIn account ! The nerve ! He was probably trying to find out what I do for a living to see how much more money he could trick me into giving away !
I cut ties immediately with that online casino. They’re crooks and will do anything to turn us into addicts yet be subtle enough not to be blamed.

This forum has helped me to re-focus and accept this is serious business and I must get out now. I’ve been going around in circles far too long and have nothing to show for all my years.

The only way I will be able or at least try to achieve to own my own home again is if I stop gambling. Gambling is not going to do that for me no matter how much these demons try to convince me and come as Angels of Light !!!

I must STOP at all costs !!!!

[lauren05]

Thanks for your support, P. It’s not easy writing so honestly about how I feel but it certainly has helped and been received well as we all have been through this. It is also a journal to remind me of where I’ve been. I’ve tried keeping busy as I have loads to do since neglecting my chores and projects but my thoughts are still rife and raw. But I’m hanging in there for now.
Thank you……. Hope you’re doing well.
Lauren

[lauren05]

OK.. Thanks, Charlster. Will try that.
Just have a business meeting now.

Lauren

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