[lauren05]

Andrea,

You self worth has been stripped from you as it has for me.
You have the intelligence and tenacity to beat this while you’re down. Don’t allow this to continue. Please self exclude from both sites. It’s not worth it. How much more or low do you want to go before you make that decision ?

It’s not easy, Andrea, believe me I struggled for years and refused to shut that door till now. After all that is where my money was and the only way I could get back up. But when you’re as far gone as we are, it doesn’t come back anymore. When it does, we play it write back and never cashout.

I was like you. A recluse, kept my blinds closed and had to call in sick because I had no money to get to work. But in fact we are sick, that is no lie. I squandered my salary every month. My salary has just come in today and for the first time, I’ve paid almost all my bills with the biggest chunk on my company card for fear of losing my job. I haven’t got much left but boy am I happy it is for good reason and not because I gambled it away and ended up with that sick nauseating feeling.

I am so glad that you have made that step to apply for residential care. I had my telephone interview end of March when I gambled all my money away and continued to do so and I received a call last week to say I’m booked in for June.
It is the best decision you have done. I’ll pray that you get in. They don’t get back to you for quite a few weeks after your interview and then only to say you’re on the waiting list. Well that is how it was for me. I so wish you could get in sooner with the session in June.

I am glad you’re here and you’re still posting.
Keep posting Andrea. This is your journal to yourself to write and say how you feeling and check in with yourself.

Please try speaking out loud in the mirror that you are kind, you are loving, you are smart, you are intelligent, you are blessed and you are loved. You need to tell that other person, this is you and let you brain now too, to connect you to the real you.

Your boyfriend will show he cares and try to help without feeling used and funding your addiction. You’re blessed to have him there even if you not really connected because your other person will never connect with anyone. My ex-boyfriend was the same. He helped me out and a showed protective side I never knew but didn’t want to be taken to fund my addiction.

DO IT NOW, Andrea while you’re broke. Forget about the free credits. It does’t compare or is anywhere near to what you lost.

They’re just keeping you in that cycle. They’re playing with your mind. They are skilled at taking you out and still getting money out of you. Break that spell.

You will feel a weigh off your shoulders and and immense relief to finally let go and be free. It really does make one feel different amidst the turmoil.

I’ll keep praying for you to get there.

Think about you and look around where this has taken this beautiful, smart, intelligent lady. You deserve more. Do it for you.

Be strong. Stay focused.

Keep posting.

Love,
Lauren
xxx

[lauren05]

Pat,

So hard when it is one’s parents and one can see what is going on, particularly since you’ve been there and still struggling. Worst that your mom does not recognise she has a problem and is lost in this deceitful world. I do hope your sister gets to mention it to your dad. Yes, it is a vicious circle. Your mom is running away from the flack and unkindness of your dad for many years, to escape and cope.

I have no answers and no advice but all I can say in times like these, all we can do is pray. I’ll pray for you and that situation, Pat. Just keep looking up and trust in God when we don’t have the answer.

Hang in there. Be strong and stay focused.
Just for today……DON’T gamble.

God bless.
Love,
Lauren

[lauren05]

Vera,

Thanks so much for your support and post again with a new take on the pitfalls if I sit on my laurels and live in the jubilation moment. I am certainly not a swift learner as it has taken me over 20 years to get here.

I’m so glad that God put you in the right place to give me that kick in the butt at the right moment where I was ready to accept and embrace it and do what I’ve never had the nerve or will to do before. I can’t stop thanking God for leading me there and for my ‘angel Vera’ to enlighten me by being forthright and bold and not holding back !

But Vera I am sorry to hear about your relapse and can’t believe how after abstaining for 14 months you were led right back to the ‘scene of the crime’. We just cannot afford to lose focus or let our guard down. I found online gambling when I came here too and that was a slow, progression at first with an acceleration when my father died in 2009.

Then last year when I took so much my flack from my boyfriend because I was a gambler, it drove me further into gambling. I’m not blaming him but how I felt triggered my escape to gambling. Amazing how an agnostic loves pointing out when one is a gambler and a Christian and he is not a Christian but would never gamble ! He knew how to turn the knife when I was already reeling with the guilt and remorse anyway.

By March this year I ended up throwing all my salary plus bonus over to the wolves. And if that wasn’t enough, when the pain subsided and the loss forgotten, I went back in April and did the same ! What I fool I was. I even went on to gamble my business expense money which I had to pay on my company credit card.

But I don’t think I could even begin to imagine your pain with your once in a lifetime lumpsum. That is a hard knock to take and accept. I am so sorry for you. I am so happy to hear that by the grace of God you’re done with the online gambling.

I met a woman at GA who I’m trying to support after she lost over £500k in less than 9 months from her parents inheritance and sale of their family home and had to admit to her young daughter and move in with her. But she will not let go and lost all her salary on the same day it was paid in again this month. All because she can’t accept it and move on so keep chasing her losses even though her daughter has her cards, her money and blocked her computer. There will always be a way back in.

Appreciate your warning and support so much. You have really taught me and shown me things I would never be aware of. Thanks for sharing your lessons learnt with me so that I can learn from your mistakes too and keep my focus upward and not downward or on my own self efforts.

It’s all about trusting God even when the strong winds blow and the storms are closing in on me, to remain in Him and not try to paddle my own boat.

Many thanks, Vera.
God bless you.

Love,
Lauren
xxx

[lauren05]

I was writing a post on your journal and came here and seen you had written one on mine. Thanks for your support even when you are in the doldrums and dealing with your own pain and sick to the soul remorseful aftermath.

Indeed, that is the problem, we are incurable and we cannot let our guard down. I know I cannot make a blip and think I’m ok now cos I am a CG and that comes with the territory.

But for me that was such a huge thing to do as it was the one thing I refused to do. I would try anything but I didn’t want my longterm partner and teddy taken away from me without any recourse back to it. I just couldn’t do that. After all like you say, they owe me my money; loads of it, years worth. I can only get it back from them and it was the only way I could turn things around quickly from that big win over night cos I am an instant, impatient person and I want it now. Just as quickly as they took it from me I wanted it back and would keep trying regardless of the pain or losses or detrimental effect it had on me as a person.

It’s a vicious cycle that comes around and goes around the same for all of us. I haven’t got other barriers in place. I’m paying off big debts on my cards so I can’t use them anyway. Besides I found that one of the cards will not allow credit to gambling sites. I will see if I can get the others to block this transactions, too. I don’t have gambling block as I tried K9 and it just took over my whole computer and scanned and blocked anything I searched, in addition to gambling sites which was a pain as the performance was so slow.

I’ve got this golden opportunity now to change my life for good and I can’t and won’t mess it up. The only way I can stay on track is to acknowledge I have this weakness and problem and live each day at a time with the aim of not gambling just for today.

Thanks for your strength and support.

Stay strong and focused. Just for today, I will not gamble.

Lauren
xxxx

[lauren05]

Hi Jenna,

Like you I was always trying to analyse what leads me to gambling as an escape and coping mechanism. I know that when I am vulnerable I gamble, when I’m sad, I gamble and when I’ve been in an argument or anything that is detrimental to my self worth and self esteem, these are triggers when I run to escape and find the thrill of gambling taking me away and dreaming what my life would be if I just won or had this money.

I knew I was in debt and always broke as a result of gambling but never realised it was an illness that got progressively worst especially after I found online gambling which was so accessible and made me lose so much in such a short space of time. Money I had worked for all month was reduced to zero in ONE day !

My sister pointed out that gambling addiction is a sickness and a chemical imbalance that requires treatment as we cannot help ourselves to get better and it is not us behaving this way. Gambling changes our persona, our lifestyle and feeds off self interest at the exclusion of everyone else, just what we want to escape from our situation or effects of what we’ve been through all the way from our childhood.

I’ve chosen to go into rehab to stop this addiction and cycle and understand the psychological effect and reasons that have led me to escape to my dark secret world of safety but gambling does the reverse by changing me into someone I don’t like or even know.

You have come to the right place and have the right perspective. This is about you now. This is your time now.
And you will find the answers and work through things for yourself as you walk this road.

We cannot reverse what we’ve done or may not recover what we’ve lost or change our past but we can change our future by living for today cos that is all we have. The future is not ours. We can only live in the now.

We cannot take money with us when we die but we can take character, integrity and strength with us when we do and become a beautiful, caring and loving person and help others and be who we were meant to be and reveal the real you.

Your only win is to stop gambling and shut the gates BEFORE the horse has bolted. Self -exclude from all the sites and put those barriers in place to make you a winner.

Be strong and stay focused and keep posting.

Take care,
Lauren

[lauren05]

Hiya Andrea,

Thanks for posting here. I’m in my fifties and none the wiser for it ! We all have including me, taken the same journey. I relate to everything you’ve said and couldn’t stop, control myself or let go. I do online slots too which really got me addicted BIG time and for the past few months have been gambling more and more of my salary.

I also had a ‘boyfriend’ at my age (don’t like the term partner either) for 6 years who couldn’t work out why I had a good job but was always broke. Like you I had to come clean when he picked up on my emotional change, particularly when I lost and I needed his financial support.

I had to move out of my rented property twice to move in with him and eventually he had enough of me and told me to leave, knowing full well I had nowhere to go and would never tell my family, probably to let me know how serious he was and teach me a lesson cos he still tries to contact me. I confessed my addiction to my sister as this all happened when my sister and her husband visited to attend my graduation for my Master’s degree (managed to get that eventually ) to show him I will go this time and moved in with my sister. I’ve managed to move out only own again with new inspiration and determination but it went even worst this time.

In March I gambled ALL my salary AND bonus I received after getting up at 1am to check if it was in my bank and gambled it all away before the end of the month ! But when the torture, remorse, guilt and depression second to none subsided and was a distant memory, I took to it again in April with my salary and did the same AGAIN ! I cannot learn ! This vice has got the better of me and plays havoc with my mind with this demons whispering and tempting me with tantalising images and thoughts of the pretty illusions of winning ‘this time’ and ‘cashing out when I win’ etc…..been there, seen it, done it !

I’ve applied to check into GMA of residential treatment as I cannot help myself and need to get my brain washed out from gambling like you and was accepted. I go in 2 weeks time. I’ve been gamble free for 11 days only because I have no money to gamble. My biggest fear was payday this month when the real test came. I was convinced myself I was fine but like an idiot played the slots in ‘practice mode’ without real money the last few nights till 4 am ! How sick is that ?

I knew my head is not right but still would not shut the last door and go the route of self excluding. I’d made up my mind that I would pay my bills as soon as my salary came in to play it safe. The community kept asking me what I was doing to put barriers in place to secure my salary but I felt that my decision to pay my bills immediately would work. I would never give someone else the control of my finances.

But tomorrow is payday. I did a posting on my journal and received a post from Vera asking why I don’t just self exclude when I’m broke before my salary hits the bank. Vera related how she had self excluded for LIFE ! But the telling message from her post that hit me between the eyes was this :

“You KNOW you will never withdraw money no matter how many wins you get.

You KNOW you will never really win because you are a CG.

You KNOW it’s all a hoax.

So why waste another minute of your precious time torturing yourself and throwing away your hard earned money!

It’s all one big illusion.

Every word I write to you, I also address to myself.

‘Nuff said!

We have given the fatcats ENOUGH!”

It suddenly became a revelation to me. I’ll never get me money back even though I felt they owed it to me and I had to chase my losses. The only WIN I’ll have is by NOT gambling. I was under the gambling spell and needed to breakout and become me and again and learn to actually like myself again.

I immediately without thinking for the thought to pass, went online and self excluded for LIFE early hours of this morning. I cannot tell you the relief, the weight of my shoulders ! I even dreamt which I haven’t done since gambling and feel set free. It is a liberating feeling where you feel YOU are back in control. I’m not recovered by a long shot but I know my head is in the right place and I am going into GMA with the right focus to turn my life around for good and not suffer and be a loser in more ways than one ( not just money, personality, social life etc) for the next decade and the rest of my life !

I would strongly urge you to just shut down that last avenue and backdoor. It will change your life and get you somewhere this month. There is no other way Andrea. We have to admit defeat to truly win our lives and money back.

Be strong, keep posting even when you fail. The community is wonderful with their love and support on here to eventually help us to get to a place to help ourselves.

God bless.

Take care,
Lauren

[lauren05]

I still can’t believe I’ve done it ! I dreamt for this first time last night in a long, long time and it’s as if my last resort and backdoor if all else fails has been shutdown.

When it sunk in what I read, I thought this is it but something I would never do. I took a cooling down period before which got me right back on the day it was over but I would never consider self excluding. I tried that once before for 6 months but it was such a mission to get back on the site with interviews and calls etc. During that time I still could not control my urges and found new sites to gamble again. We are our own worst enemy. We know what to do but WON’T, that is the bottom line.

I feel so relieved now as I know that my going into GMA will reverse and restore my life now. I have done all I need to do to make this a priority and truly mean it this time. This is such a golden opportunity for me to get my life back on track but more to face my future with confidence that I can overcome this vice and get as far as I can up that ladder to make the rest of my life better with something to show for it this time round.

Who knows I get back my drive and spirit and with God’s help, hopefully own my house one day. If not, I would have lived a more meaningful, worthy life and achieved what I could by the means I have and be happy and content. I can’t take it with me when I go but what I can take will be my character, strength and integrity.

Charlster, so pleased to hear you go a clear bill of health. You’re doing so great and I take great encouragement and support from you. Here’s to making a HUGE difference to changing our lives for the better. I feel a million dollars today. I feel like I’ve won the lottery !!! 🙂

This is wonderful. Life is so precious and beautiful if only we take time to appreciate and cherish it and what we have and smell the roses along the way. We are blessed.

God bless.

Take care.

Onwards and upwards……!

Lauren

[lauren05]

I have self excluded NOW from all the gambling sites I’ve used.
Thanks to Vera’s support and bold and powerful message and facts.

Strange how doing this was even a problem. When I selected a lifetime break, the site froze, script stopped running and I had to force quit to go in and try again. Other sites only gave 5 years or 6 months but I don’t care. I am safe.

I feel so liberated now ! A weight is lifted off my shoulder. My hard earned money this money, will be mine, every cent of it.
And I will be going into GMA knowing I have shut the gate this time BEFORE the horse has bolted !

Thank you all for your care and support on this site.

I would not have done this without your support and encouragement to help me reach my summit and recover.

Lauren

[lauren05]

Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you so much, Vera !

I needed to hear that. Those words are so powerful, so true and I still try to fool myself. My friend made me promise to self exclude just of one month, just to get through this month and into GMA. In other words, still keep the backdoor open. But your words have hit me between the eyes !

I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that you have done that too and know this too. That it is all an illusion. A fool’s paradise !
I can’t stop reading this, Vera. I never wanted to believe it or know it cos I would always like to think I am in control but these are the facts ! I KNOW what you are saying is true and is me, every single word. It’s come like a revelation. I was saying it but never truly wanting to believe it. You have been my trigger to do it for life. Wow ! That is HUGE for me and must’ve been even bigger for you. If you could do it, so can I !

Vera, I keep scrolling back and re-reading this. Straight and to the point. Direct like a spear through my heart.
And so you are right. We have given the fatcats ENOUGH ! Just what my ex used to say to me all the time. It didn’t make sense to him.

That’s it. Time out now for good !

Thanks so much for your love, support and post !

Lauren
xxx

[lauren05]

I’ve had a productive bank holiday. I did sleep late but when I opened my back door, my neighbour popped his head out and asked if he could look at my outside tap for me which had no water pressure to water the garden. He came round and found that the tap which was part of the extension of the house was connected to the water tank and not to the mains.

I mentioned about the pond and asked him if there wasn’t an easier way to empty the pond without Jill carrying two pales of water up the hill. Of course there was, we girls just don’t know these things. He said, yes you can syphon it with the hose. Still looking duh, I said how cos’ it doesn’t have drainage system ? He said you obviously haven’t had to syphon petrol and then it clicked ! LOL ! Anyway, he took the hose and tried sucking the water through but each time, it only trickled. My neighbour on the other side also joined in and gave his advice and after immersing the hose in the pond, the water ran out of the pond.

But then the drain was blocked. He removed the drainpipe to lift the drain cover and I cleared the muck from the drain. The other neighbour aid he wasn’t surprised as from his side he could see all the leaves on the roof. That led to my neighbour clearing the leaves from the roof and gutters with a homemade tool (long stick with a T at the end) from the other neighbour, to get the leaves down the pipe on the roof and into the gutters while I held a bucket on the step ladder for him to sweep the leaves from the gutter into.

The wife came out and seen this and offered us ‘workmen’ a cuppa. So we went next door and sat in his lovely overgrown dense vegetation garden having tea, watching the birds and wildlife and had some banter. Both men are much older than me, the one is 69 and the other well into his 70’s but I enjoyed it so much.I just felt myself and was laughing and chatting; something I missed and haven’t done for ages. I really enjoyed the ‘tea break’ and the banter.

I felt so blessed that I had neighbours who would give up their time to help and support me, living on my own, something I’ve never known before. Wherever I lived before, the neighbours would barely greet or look at you cos’ they were such toffs.

After tea, my neighbour came back to my garden to collect his tools and from our banter I told them I was going to kill the squirrels coming into my garden. My neighbour and his wife enjoyed watching how I chased and had this ongoing battle with the squirrels in my garden with the plenty bird feeders and different foods which kept the squirrels out of their gardens.

Anyway, my neighbour fetched some galvanised wire and tied it around two trees, hung a hook on the wire for the feeder, so the squirrels couldn’t get to it as it was too thin to walk on.
He also fetched his new toy, a hedge trimmer while I got the extension lead and he cut the hanging branches from the many trees which hung over my washing line and also blocked the sun. And today he came and gave me a stick with a screw at the end which he had made, so I could unhook the feeder as it was too high for me to reach. How kind and considerate. I thought of my father who did things like that for me and felt sad he was no longer here and how I missed him.

I sat on the garden chair and realised that this is what life is about. Helping, sharing and giving to others and enjoying each other. I have completed lost the plot in wanting more, being greedy, selfish and dreaming of a high life with illusions of grandeur and trying to achieve this with this self destructive dark, evil secret tearing my life apart and changing me into someone I no longer know.

I ran water in the pond, the fish were swimming around together so lively and fast like one happy family on a day outing, it was so rewarding. I did my washing and hung it out. I sat in the sun in the garden and just felt blessed.

My partner of 6 years was an engineer and also very good at fixing and doing things for me. I always wondered how I would manage not having him around and have to pay just to get hep with little things around the house. Seemed that was all part of God’s plan in finding this place for me in an area totally new and unknown to me, with such friendly and kind neighbours all around me in the estate.

As I sat there, I looked at the heaps of sludge from the pond I removed and thought I better put them in black bags as it was a sight for sore eyes. Next thing I filled 4 bags with the sludge and picked up the branches cut from the trees yesterday and ended up sweeping the garden patio area, watering the plants and pulling out weeds and eventually taking the washing off the line at 21:30. I sat on the garden chair and looked up to the sky and seen a full moon.

It was a good productive day. God was shining His love on me.

When I went indoors, I seen I had a text from my new found gambling friend. She had just got home from a counselling session and was feeing really down. She had so much to do after moving in but was worrying so much about her finances since she gambled all her salary in a half hour last week the day she got paid. She explained how she can’t stop beating herself up about what she had done and she was back to where she was, skint, with no one to ask for help and her mess getting bigger.

I called her to give her some support and offered to take her out for a meal this weekend if I still had money (from not gambling) to try work things through with her. Part of me says if I don’t gamble perhaps I could help her out with one of her bills or something but I fear I may just be giving her the means to gamble again.

Like me, she knows she should stop but always finds a way or backdoor open like all of us have done. Her daughter has taken over her finances and blocked her computer but she played at work and the credit cards which were paid up, she ran them up without having the cards as the sites have the details are set up.

She asked how much I earn but I couldn’t share that with her as I do have a good job but it is something I’ve never done with anyone I don’t know why she keeps asking me tho’. She knows I have an expensive car as I give her a lift home from the GA meetings. I do feel so bad for her but the other part of me says I could just be funding her gambling again.

She has lost so much in less than a year after online gambling with big bets from her inheritance and huge profit from the family home which she sold recently after being divorced and is determined to get most of it back. She knows not to chase her losses but she is good for while but then just goes back again as I do. We’ve all been there. I’m still there and not out of the woods myself. But knowing this compulsion, the urges and the extent she has gone through, I don’t know if it is wise to help if I can. She says she knows she should go to debt management but is delaying this, too.

I’ve asked her to forget about beating herself up and enjoy each day and the weekend as these bills are not due yet so need to worry and that there is always an alternative. There are always options. She is very determined to help and support me not to fall in that same trap and made me promise that I would self exclude myself so that I would secure my salary.

So I have self excluded and pray that I stay gamble free for two more weeks before I go to GMA. It’s been such an eye opener for me yet when I realise I’m getting paid and will have money again, the right perspective and focus somehow gets blurred and grows strangely dim.

I must STOP ! I must STOP NOW ! I can’t give in now !!!!
DO IT, you can ! It’s your only hope to suffering defeat, depression and destruction with nothing to show for myself for the next decade !!! You can’t continue this way !

I have sheet of paper which I did after I lost all my salary and bonus in March and then again in April with a heading ‘Downspiral’ and different coloured ‘D’ words depicting my state of my mind and emotions the next morning. I keep it on my desk as a reminder to STOP me from wanting to go back and experience that awful guilt, remorse and depressed feelings if I was ever tempted again. Strangely how all the words I felt started with a ‘d’. I’ll write it down as a reminder :

DOWNSPIRAL
– Demon
– Doom
– Damnation
– Dark
– Depression
– Destroy
– Dread
– Devil
– Dismal
– Dejected
– Destitute
– Destruction
– Dire
– Distress
– Devastation
– Downhill
– Drained
– Down
– Dreadful
– Disrespect
– Desire
– Derailed
– Defeat
– Detriment
– Disdain

But then I felt it was so negative and may be counterproductive. But I can’t bring myself to destroy it though. I was in a very dark place then.

But for today, I am gamble free. I am happy, I am blessed, I am loved. God loves me. We all experience storms of financial troubles, disappointments and loneliness but Jesus stills the storm and says ” Peace, be still ! ”

Lauren

[lauren05]

Indeed, I am amazed at things I’m accomplishing around the house with working and supporting others. But after a busy day’s work and being productive with distractions, these little devils still won’t allow me to retire before going back on the sites and checking for bonuses or foolishly playing in ‘practice mode’ without money till 4am for the last for nights !

It has showed me how gullible they’ve made me with an incentive and near misses till we play and it takes one down to nothing with no wins after those lovely BIG wins ! How easily we fall for it yet we know their game plan…. ?

Last night I was given a small bonus of £25 but it was good to playing with real money and I was taken over by my ‘Lauren Bigtimer ‘ and felt all the trappings and expectations of winning again. I played very small bets so I could play longer but was blown away when I got a win for £300 from a small bet ! That was so much money to me when I didn’t have a cent and I was over the moon. Thought how I could buy wet food for my cats now as they’re not happy and are whining for food cos there is only dry food and getting myself some eats too etc. But then true to form, it wasn’t enough…..I have in to the demon ‘just try to get £350 and then you can stop’ but when I got that, just try for £400 and got that too and then £450…..that led me all the way down to playing to zero. So what’s new ? I do it all the time ! Enough is never enough. Even if I win, I WILL lose cos I have to get more and more ! It is an never ending loser’s game and no one ever truly wins or beats this game !

So Charles the real test is coming up soon this week with payday. I have thought my head is right and I’m determined this time but since being exposed to these flashy, tantalising, tempting colourful and musical slots, I am not so sure. I even worked it out in my head that I would pay all my bills as soon as I got paid and transfer the ‘credit’ from my overdraft to my savings account so I couldn’t use it. But these demons have got into my head with that bonus and the tempted whispers in my head of ‘you can win just as you did now, you just need to stop and cash it in.’ Right ! Do I ever ? No ! I can’t remember when last I cashed money in. I play all winnings down to nothing. I’m not good at this, can’t win this or take it on, so I have to admit defeat as I do not have the control to STOP.

So, I have blocked myself from these sites now to safeguard myself and put some barriers to deter me and secure my income this month. I keep telling myself I don’t want to give them one cent this month. It will be such a treat to even have any money the day after I get paid. That would just be sweet heaven for me…..

So with your support, prayers and me looking up and not trusting in my efforts, I hope to salvage my income this week.

Thanks for your support and posts.

Lauren

[lauren05]

Reviewed and worked on my sister’s presentation to her Client tomorrow after I got kicked into touch. Worked on it for 5 hours, including an agenda to get it more structured, updating with additional slides, creating a slide master etc and doing some research to make it succinct.

I was in work mode and didn’t eat or get up for 5 hours just as I do for work, not a good thing. But was very pleased it was done and I felt satisfied and good that I could help her. She takes time everyday to Skype and text me and tell me I am loved and holds my hand through this process. It is the least I can do to show her how much I appreciate, care and love her.

Learning to care and value what I have.
I am blessed.

[lauren05]

Can’t say I had a thought for gambling today but then I’ve had so much to do.

Checked to see if the fish were still happy and alive and ended up emptying another 20 buckets of pond water, cleaning the silt and sludge from the bottom of the pond and running tap water into the pond. Mr frog raised his head and body out of the water, rested on the side of the pond, above the water surface camouflaged and stared at me, thinking I couldn’t see him. It was good to see that my efforts paid off and there is still plenty wildlife in the pond. But that hard work left me sweating with backache and a strain on my troubled shoulder.

The prospect of going into GMA has kicked me into action and got me to spring clean the house and attend to long overdue tasks, neglected from gambling which I’ve never had the inkling or motivation to do.

Somehow it seems as if my world is changing to ‘normal’ and I need to take care of all these things and put things right. So I worked till midnight doing as much as I can. Tomorrow I hope to continue to tackle the chores around the house.

I hope I get the chance to unpack the many boxes and cases with clothes which I haven’t touched since moving in 6 months ago. My main priority was gambling and anything that required too much effort was never going to stand in my way of gambling. I seemed to have done just what I had to around the house to keep me from content and not overwhelmed by the state of the house. My normal self always needs to have my house clean with things in place or it tortures me and I can’t go out before doing so. Strange how I adapted to accommodate my gambling, changing how I lived and who I was, even my lifestyle.

The thought of going to GMA has changed my perspective and I’m getting back to being prim and proper and need to get my house in order and things sorted. I could never bear my neighbours coming in to look after my cats with everything disorderly. I plan to confiscate any letters or signs of my troubled gambling life. They do not know and will never know. They will always see my ‘happy go lucky’, ‘got it together’ face.

So I continue a day closer to my summit……..onwards and upwards……

Just for today, I’m still gamble free.

[lauren05]

KPat, thanks for your post and support. Indeed that is true. We must believe who we are in Christ and be positive and speak out loud with words positive things over our lives but more so to ourselves in the mirror. My sister says to me everyday…’you are kind, you are gentle, you are loving, you are generous, you are smart, you are intelligent, you are blessed, you are loved. I love you.’ She tells to say that to myself in the mirror and learn to love myself first so that I can learn to love and give to others.

Yes, it is very easy to feel the shame, guilt and despair when we keep doing what we do, pray for forgiveness and go back and do it all again. But if you truly believe you are forgiven, I’ve found the aching pang deep down inside me, filled with remorse and shame, leaves the moment I pray for forgiveness and believe cos then you are clean as if you’ve never done it. If God forgives and forgets, who are we to remember and continue to live with that burden ?

Accept it and you WILL feel a new person with hope for the future but also more confident to trust His promises.

One day closer…..
Bless you…..

[lauren05]

Hi Kurt,

We’ve all been there but I’ve been doing it for over 20 years or more. I stopped counting. We have to learn that we will never win from gambling and that our only win is from NOT gambling. It destroys and changes you as a person but it totally controls you and you keep chasing your losses. You have to forget about your losses and decide to stop and take one day at a time.

I’ve got no money till pay day. I gambled all my March salary and a month’s bonus the very day it got paid into my account. I felt so sick with the guilt and remorse and worthless feelings that accompanies losing. But I couldn’t stop. I cannot stop and need support from here. Enough is never enough. Even when I win, I will gamble for a bigger win till I lose everything.

But all that guilt, remorse and pain from March was soon gone and forgotten when I received my work expense money which got paid to pay my company card. That demon came back to entice me and whispered that I would win this time and made those urges seem attractive with a nice win. He tempted me to just play with £100 but once I played the £100, it turned to £200 till all was gone and I was again broke. That was a week ago.

I’ve been on here ever since and been gamble free but only because I don’t have any money to gamble. But I am determined and focused and with the support I have on here will not gamble one cent of my salary this month.

When you get the urge, get up and go for a walk. Try to delay it and tell yourself in an hour’s time, then an hour later, till the urge eventually gets less and less. Decide not to gamble and go with your mind and not your feelings or the voices in you head.

Keep posting on here. Write about how you’re feeling, what you’re doing to fill your time so you don’t gamble and overcome those feelings and focus on your recovery one hour, one day at a time.

Stay focused and strong.

All the best.

Lauren

[Author]

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