[Lala]

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I am in the process of moving in the midst of all this so I could not reply right away.

I did tell my mom. The obvious followed. She nagged him and yelled at him and made him feel bad probably. He ended up ahowing her the cash he withdrew the other day to prove that he didnt gamble. It was just missing $100. Which proves to us that he did and luckily maybe that he didnt lose all of it.
I asked my dad to give me money to help pay for some of my moving expenses. It was rather a cover for me to try and save any last bit of their savings. Because now there is nothing else left. So I got my dad, with the help of my mother to gave me half of which dad had transferred back. I made him finish his loan to his friend and a little bit that he paid towards my brothers credit card bill with the left over. So now their savings is officially no more. Nothing left. Nada. He wants to always help my brother, which in my opinion is something he has to ease up on. Anyway thats another issue in and of itself. Then he withdrew $500 for himself because he said he prefers having cash versus using a credit card. Deep down I know that its because so he can gamble whenever he gets the chance but I couldnt stop him from doing that. I put the little money he gave me aside so that if my mother ever needed money I ll help them with that but in the mean time I keep checking my dads account to see if he goes to gamble… Everyday I look at his account or as often as I possibly could. For example after I finish typing this I will go to check his account to see if he has gambled recently. This is soo tiring Velvet. I already have anxiety issues so this has really been the cherry on top. I went to the doctor for the hives I have been getting and he said it could very well be stress induced eczema but couldnt be sure, of course. Anyway I know I will be ok it just feels like in between trying to run a house and take care of my handful child, trying to navigate this gambling issue has me exhausted.

As for the 20questions you have mentioned. I found it. Read it over a few times. Print it out and just could not give it to him. Because I dont know if its going to do more harm than good at this particular moment. I have already typed up all of his casino ATM withdrawals and totaled them year by year and at the end with a yearly summary and their total as well. I showed this to him because the issue is still he denies having a problem. Its such a strong belief that I end up getting confused like he makes me rethink it too, despite my better judgement of what is clearly an issue. Its black and white and its on the paper but still ignores knowingly or not knowingly. I am not sure at this point.

My mother told my brother too that perhaps not right now but in the near future if he were to ask for money not to give to my dad because he gambled away alot of money. He had to go to his other job so they really couldnt talk much but at least he is aware as well.

Now I am simply watching his account and thats all I have time to do. And tell my mother so she knows. Thats my strategy because when he starts to nag I know none of us want to deal with it. Its like torture hearing him nag.

What do you suggest at this point?

Thank you and hope you have a great weekend.

[Lala]

OMG! This is so true and brings back so many emotions from the past that are still there actually. My brother had and maybe still has issues. But the real problem was he was never left to deal with consequences or thought to deal with life and its problems. Dad always bailed him out everytime he got in trouble with the law. Dad paid his lawyer even most recently as last year again because my brother is just not normal. I cant even get into the details but outside of dysfunctional family dynamics, he also began experimenting with drugs at an early age, hung out with the wrong friends, skipped school, partied too much and on and on. My brother s excuse was he was going to “live his life” and that no one was going to stop him. Keep in mind it also meant fear for our lives. My brother would physically hurt and intimidate us. I could not wait to leave that house and the resentment I had for my parents always forgetting how bad he would get in between his fix that I moved out for a while when I finally could afford to do so. I dont know too much about what he is doing now because he has 2 kids of his own and has to work 2 or 3 jobs to make rent alone and cant even afford car insurance due to all his wreckless driving history that he might have to move back into parents basement. I used to cry and feel stuck and pray every single night as I held on to the keys to my car so he wouldnt take away again the only thing I had to my name. I eventually got tired of praying for him to “get better” after years of all this.

Now that I am not living in the house I feel more safe physically even tho I watch my mouth every time he is around because he is like an explosion ready to happen so everyone (parents- mostly dad) still cater to him. Anyway enough ranting from me. But it is so true that a sibling gets neglected, pushed aside and told verbally or thru actions that they just arent that important. This tells a child, a sibling of a CG that they are not that valued or they must simply have issues and act out in order to get attention, which in turn is sure to create issues in the other children, no matter what. It just isnt fair to ignore aiblings. It is even more important that siblings and all parties share and communicate. for CG to get the right help a family must first be united and come together and address issues in a fair way. Otherwise its a cycle that will never end.

[Lala]

Thank you Velvet. Yes I agree. I think they worry about shame and hurting their reputation too which enables them to continue the cycle. I have read your post about cycles of the enablers and I agree. I will do my best to identify exactly what we or I do and change it somehow. I will also read the one about sisters.

You are right. I can only do so much and my priority is doing my best to save whatever is left of their savings so my mother doesnt end up desperately broke as a result. My sister kepts saying she didnt need to bother herself with details of how he took out money most recently. In the last 20 days alone he spent over $900 which again is money that could have went to bills. Anyway you are right. I cant spend my time on trying to fix my sisters perspective. Perhaps its difficult for her to accept this harsh reality so she chooses to bury her head in the sand. She told me that each time he takes the money out that I tell her and she will go and berate him so he eventually will not go. It sounds like thats also a possibility. What do you think about that?
I fear that my father is going to cause so much pain in the next few months. And I might be the one everyone hates for a while. But I am willing to be the bad guy to shake things up, because thats all I can do at this moment.

My mother has alot of chronic back and leg pains. She is also overly dramatic and emotional as a result of her own past, losing work, being unemployed and partially disabled as she cant physically push her body to do things she used to do. I believe her perspective naturally affects her and rightfully so but when she is sad and overly depressed her hands and feet get more numb and sometimes she cant get out of bed. But I think its partially because she drowns in “I gave up, life is too tough, I cant go on” mentality. She is a tough woman but she is bitter and does not know how her words affect others so she is sure to feed dads monster the way she reacts. So this is where I am struggling the most.

[Lala]

And so velvet. Why does my mom and sister insist that my boyfriend doesnt know about all this?
1. How is it even possible? We live together and share everything so its hard to keep this from him when I am constantly watching my dads account and stressing out about all this?
2. They keep saying he shouldnt know and my sister specifically feels as tho her boyfriend and so therefore mine too might feel like they can use this against us somehow?

So because my dad gambled again just a few min ago and therefore I had to call my sister to go catch him. But instead she waited at home for him and tried to coerce him to come home via text. But anyway how can I hide this even if I wanted to from my boyfriend when I am having such urgent conversations with my sister. So its not only impractical and unrealistic but shouldnt relationships be built on trust? And call me naive but I wouldnt use this against my boyfriend if he was going thru the same thing. I would instead do my best to help him cope with it. So please let me know if I should be aware of any special circumstances where I need to cover this up from my boyfriend.

Lastly my sister is still in denial and does seem a bit reluctant to get more information about gambling addiction because she doesnt think we have all the facts just yet. She is adamant I do not tell mom. At least not yet. She says for moms sake and for her wellbeing not to stress her out with details. What do you suggest?

[Lala]

Hello Again,

Harry said he will contact the developers regarding the technical issue I am experiencing with posting. So I will try to post quick and short replies.

I have been regarding others posts and I have to admit, it brings me both some solace and sadness over my situation.

As I sit here in the middle of the night, as my 18 mos baby and boyfriend sleep so peacefully, I cry and cry because of the fear and the unknown of whats going to happen in the next few months.

I just checked my dad s account and he just transferred whats left of their savings. I knew he was banking on it. I am taken to the times when the major cause of stress and tears was my brother. I remember sleeping with the car keys and wallet under my pillow and in my hands. Those days I do not want to repeat and I cry and plead with God (whom is the only hope I have left with possibly helping but my brain reminds me- there is no Santa Claud… So I cry some more). I pray that we wont have to re-live those years of hardships again and this time with dad. I pray that he wont put the house and the family in jeapordy. I am scared and fear that he will continue to gamble. Leave me and my mother to clean up behind his mess. I hope he wont but I am trying to imagine the worst but I know that life is more imaginative and more creative than I, so I feel even more scared of what lies ahead possibly for my family. I wish I was a careless, selfish person sometimes but instead I am a worrywart, panicking hopefully about something silly.

[Lala]

Hello velvet,

Thank you so much for your kind support and help. I will be contacting the Helpline for the technical issues I am experiencing so that I can continue to post. I will try to post my original reply hopefully once I figure out how. Thank you again and hope to talk to you soon.

[Lala]

I keep trying and that somehow went thru. Thankfully. I have emailed the helpline but havent received a response yet. So i hope this goes thru.

[Lala]

Thank you for your kind reply. I keep trying to reply but for some reason it is not letting me. The website keeps showing an error message all the time. Please help

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