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Nope, he still says he didn’t do it. I called him at school that morning and the first call he didn’t answer. The second call he answered and guess what? He got a referral! Ha ha. I got the call this morning from the Dean. He has work detail after school on Thurs. For 2 hours. I told the Dean it was me that called him, but he explained that my son answered the phone and then proceeded to walk out of the classroom to talk to me. If every student did that, there would be chaos. I just said, yes sir, and laughed to myself. That kid knew he better answer me. He knows what he did. I am going to make him wash and vacuum my car this week. He is sticking by his story, but his behaviour is very telling. Usually, he tells the truth when he is caught, but I just don’t know this time. It is kind of a tactic he is using to make me doubt myself. I did that with my Mom. I would borrow her clothes and “forget” to put them back. She would be looking for a blouse or something and it would be gone. Knowing it was me, knowing she hadn’t worn it. I would look right at her and LIE! My poor kid, he doesn’t understand what a terrible teenager I was. My memory is still pretty good, so he’s not fooling me very often. I also tell him, whatever we don’t catch him at, God still knows. My sister calls him Jonah. She tells him “you can’t run forever you will still end up in Nineva”. She says he’s going to be a minister and won’t he have the best pulpit stories about how God turned him around! I will add your children to my prayer list, your baby, we will thank God in advance for the change in him:)

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Today is the last day of my four day weekend. I am trying not to think about work.
I accomplished a few things…
I cleaned the oven.
I pulled clothes out of mine and my husband’s closet (a huge garbage bag full) for a friend who is having a yard sale. Also got together two bags of books for her.
Yesterday, we went to The Magic Kingdom. I don’t know how many more times our children will want to be with us like that. Already, I know we are blessed that they give us the time of day. Ten hours there and although I can walk today, my legs are sore. We had a great day, but there was some tension and arguments towards the end. There are not enough places to smoke! ( just kidding-sort of). My nicotine addiction was making me grumpy, and there was a moment after about 4 hours that I wasn’t sure I was really at “the happiest place on earth”. My daughter was so pleased that we went. She wanted to show us where she works and all the characters that she helps. My husband met Goofy, his favorite! I hugged him first and talked into his ear, I told him my hb is a huge fan and to please embarrass him very badly. And so he did!!! Goofy grabbed Reub and practically put him in a choke hold, he hugged him so hard and wouldn’t you know, we got video and Reub was grinning ear to ear like a little kid. You wouldn’t have known he’s 44 yrs old. What a great moment. My daughter calls them magical moments:)
So I am just contrasting yesterday against a day of gambling and there really is no comparison. I slept like a baby, I spent what I wanted and still have money in the bank. I am sore, but not depressed. I have memories that are not going to haunt me. My children are happy, beacause despite my grumpiness yesterday they don’t see me weepy and emotional today. I am not nauseous. I can share what we did on facebook if I want and have not a moment’s worth of shame.
So take that gambling! I found some fun that doesn’t have a price tag I can’t afford.yesssssss!!

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That is a wonderful post. I am amazed at your energy. I always think I love home projects and cleaning, but after a half hour or so, I am wishing I had never started.:)
Your frog sounds like a character. It is a good feeling to gige back to our family. I think the good feeling is a great reward.
You are doing this!!!!

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So glad you are at home and your family is helping. It is good to hear that your Mom is on the mend. Great news!

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I only told a few people……
They probably have shared it with everyone else! My own sister, who is my closest friend told my sister-in-law, so now everbody knows. I told that lady at the play during Christmas and the other day at work one of my sales people had heard it from her.
I have to look at it like this, I am not perfect, they already knew that! I try not to worry about what other people think, but sometimes…..you can’t help but feel their judgement. It is a sort of accountability to me I think. If I fail, they are watching. It becomes another barrier. The people that love me still love me. The people that are self-righteous have their own issues to deal with and that is much worse than what I am trying to overcome. I don’t have to worry about them. They must never have liked me anyway. (Benefit of honesty: you find out who your true friends are).
I agree with Vera, you have to be selective, but there is really no such thing as a secret. Tell one, tell all! But you know, I shame myself more than any of them could anyway. I have to deal with what I have done, what I still want to do. They only have to talk behind my back. I would rather that than my face,.at least then I can pretend it’s not happening or what they are saying is kind:)

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Hi Kurt,
My journal starts out very similar to yours. I believe there is hope.
I think you are right to seek some help. Staying quiet and trying to handle this gambling problem by yourself is probably not going to change much of anything. I recommend reading the posts here and putting some orr all of the advice in to practice. I don’t know what your area of gambling is, but I know that when it gets to the point of pain, we have to change something. There is chat line that I believe a live counselor can speak to you.
Please keep posting. There is help to be found here!

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Hello my friend. How are things with you? Miss you on this forum…..hope you are doing well;)

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Hi Charlster, I spent some time reading your thread and am amazed how strong you are. Your determination to change your life is inspiring. Your posts to others show such thoughtfulness and kindness. I am thrilled for you to get to go for treatment at GM. I hope you will share some of the advice and tools you learn there.
I wish all the best in your recovery and that your family might be reconnected with you in a way that will give you joy. Your outlook is so very positive; it is contagious:)

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That is a lovely post. I love that you have thought of ways to turn your mood around. It is not easy to stay in a positive frame of mind. It is especially hard when we are condeming ourselves over and over again. I am trying to look in the mirror at myself and say positive things. Things like, you are beautiful to God, you are a child of The King, you are an overcomer, you are loved….. I need to do it more often, it is so easy to feel shame and despair when I know how badly I have behaved. There is a bright future ahead. One day at a time! 🙂

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Thanks for the comments!!
Vera, I read yours to my husband. He wants to choke him, he is so mad. He said you are welcome to come stay with us! You have some experience with this! He knows I have been journaling here, although I have never read any of it tohim before. I told him I wished you could sit down with our boy. He asked me today how I was doing without gambling. He saw the email alerts on my phone for the comments. I told him that I was missing the excitement, but happy not to have the hangovers!
I remember having whiplash once, I had no idea my head was that heavy! My neck hurt so bad having to keep my head up there! I also had a few back spasms, but was ok after about two weeks, I got better everyday. Hope you feel better very soon!
Happy, I pictured your garden, and it sounds like my back deck. That is where I sat for some reading too. It needs to be pressure washed and a board has rotted and needs to be replaced. But the tranquility of the spot is still good. Getting alone with the Bible and prayer always helps me. I know I am in trouble when I don’t want to do that. I think when I am like that I don’t want anything to stop me from getting what I want. I once wrote down all the reasons not to gamble. It is in a little book in my purse. I wrote this in 2013 I think. I have probably read it maybe 5 times in 2 years. It is really raw when I have read it. The thing I am trying to say is this, any CG that read it would not want those things to happen to them. I know that! That is why when I want to gamble, I won’t read it!!! It might stop me.
Maybe I will post it here. I have read my thread through
several times and it would be here for me to see. I think I will get it out and reread it now. It hurts to know I continued on for another year after writing it. It hurts to know that I still want to turn a blind eye to the chaos and play those stupid machines. I didn’t gamble today. I went shopping to the hardware store with my husband and bought the guts to fix the kid’s toilet and some cedar sachets for my closet. We went to The Dollar Tree (everythings a dollar) and spent $35! On mostly junk. Then we went to a steakhouse and had a Porterhouse for two. Then to the grocery store. It was a fine day out!

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I believe you should give it to where you are being supplied by The Word. I am not Catholic, but if your church is filling you up spiritually, then that is where I would give it. If it is a Bible believing church then God will use it for His purpose. Titheing was an old testament thing to support the Levites who were not given land when they were delivered out of Egypt. They were the ministers. So what Vera has posted makes sense to me. It is to support pastors and the church essentials like paying for utilities and to keep God’s house a place of refuge. I would not want to list a specific denomination as where to tithe, because there are good churches and not so good churches in every denomination. I tithe to where I go to be fed. I sometimes give to other places, but that is what I think of as an offering. An offering is an amount above the tithe, it is for something special, like foreign ministry or a homeless shelter, like that…
I am no expert, this is just what I believe to be true. Our pastor never talks about tithing. I was convicted by listening to sermons from the radio. Happy, you should listen to David Platt. He is young, but really old school in his messages.

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Sitting on the backporch having my second cup of coffee and smoking (coughed my head off this morning). I have got to quit. It poured buckets of rain last night and the porch leaked. More home repairs in the future….
I want to do something fun today. I am still underwhelmed by normal fun things. Nothing seems to compare to the thrill of gambling, but I know that is a lie. It is the addiction that wants me to remember the fun and not the consequences. I wish the thoughts or urges would just go away completely. I can at least go long stretches without them, but then all of a sudden, bam! There I am. I can post on here something very positive and that I am feeling good and strong and in a day or sometimes within hours I feel like I am back to my old scheming self. I think I would need a labotomy to disconnect the damaged parts of my brain. I have a gorgeous Sat. In front of me. Why is it all I can imagine doing is inside with dim lights and flashing pictures, dings and pings, and bump, bump,bumps. In cigarette filled air with sad or drunk people walking like zombies around me. Oh, there it is, the under side of the fun. The desperatiin. The sick stomach, the praying for forgiveness or for God to let me win.
Right, so I can’t have that today. I don’t want that. That is not fun. It is the opposite of fun. It is crap!

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That is a testimony! So happy that you are changed.

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Big God we have! You know we don’t surprise Him. He is not up there shaking His head at us. He really, really loves us. He wants only good for us.
I heard an anology the other day, when some people train dogs, they put the master on one side of the room and the dog on the other with a bowl of food in the middle. If they can teach that dog to look only at his master, then the dog is good to go. If the dog looks at the food his training is not over, he will go to the food. Keep your eyes on The Master, don’t look left or right.
Look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Do you know that song? It is a terrific one for what we are fighting. “Turn your eyes upon Jesus”. Beautiful old hymn.
Hugs and prayers!

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Yours was the first I read of any journal here. It took me several days and gave me the courage to start my own. You are a really special somebody! I was so sad to read that you had been gambling, but you know what? There is no judgement, only support and empathy. The fact that you were able to even type those words show how strong you are. It is truly an addiction of shame and secrecy, you showed that you are stronger than those two things. You told me that this is the fight of our lives and I agree with you. Your friend sounds like she might be a bit arrogant if she can be so judgemental as to turn her back to you so easily. I hope when you tell her she surprises you with love and understanding. If she doesn’t well, what you say to Jen if she had a friend like that?
Right! Our children became the focus of so much joy and at the same time, heartache. It’s just part of loving someone more than ourselves. I have no advice on whether tough love is right or wrong with her, because I don’t think you can paint every relationship with the same brush. Hang in there, you are such a fighter, When you look at all you have accomplished in recovery, don’t let this episode hide the amazing triumph you are as a person. Much love and prayers for you. Bettie is my alltime fave!

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