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Missing P:(

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Thanks Lizbeth and Happygirl ( I will just pick my favorite name for you68)
I looked all through the forum for your thread! Where is P?

I can’t find hers either:(

So time for some honesty. I wasn’t as brave as some and didn’t come back and post after my worst experience with gambling since I started my recovery. Well there was the horrific fight at the boat, but this other event made me feel like I had stooped lower than any other time n my gambling addiction.
I wanted to go, I let my thoughts run wild. I had been doing so well and had not posted because I wasn’t thinking about it at every turn. I had let my guard down..
I invited my daughter to go with her Dad and I!
I can barely type this. This was about a 6weeks ago. Who does something like that? I KNOW this runs in the family. I did it to lessen my guilt? So I didn’t have to feel so bad about running off. I don’t know! When we walked in and I had to show her how to do the math and I watched her start to play. I thiught I was going to vomit. I became physically ill.
She lost money, her own money and a lot of ours because we kept handing it over to her. I am glad she didn’t win. She didn’t have a great time and we didn’t stay as long as was our ususal. Basically, I am a CG that introduce gambling to my beautiful, sweet daughter.
Someone should add that to the list of questions for GA.
Are you such a low life addict that you would involve your innocent child in your schemes to lesson the feeling of guilt in that moment of weakness?
Yes X
Did it make you feel better or worse?
Like a big fat peice of crap failure as a mother and human being WORSE.
I can’t even type anymore. Seeing this in writing makes me want to cry.

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If we dont like it on our lap
How would we like it up to our knees?
If I keep at it
It will be up to my neck
and to swallow the crap
Would be nasty indeed.

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If we dont like it on our lap
How would we like it up to our knees?
If I keep at it
It will be up to my neck
and to swallow the crap
Would be nasty indeed.

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Love you Lizbeth!
Love that you are so positive, love that you are introspective and despite the difficulties with your Mom and debt, you work on improving what you can. It is so true that if we want a relatiinship to change, we can only change ourselves. Sometimes that means just changing how much we let it bother us. Sometimes the other person reacts positively to our change and the relationship strengthens. I just adore your posts. I dont get everyone’s posts, but yours shows up on my email, so despite my being quiet for so long, I have read every post ffrom you. Its like a daily dose of energy for me. I just wanted to say thanks:)

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I am coming up on the anniversry of my ban. In 8 days it will be one year. I have been to a casino 5 times in the last year. I am not proud of that, because each of those slips took time and deliberate planning. I AM very happy that we banned from the the closest, because I had no way to fight that place. My addiction could not rest for a minute until we took that step.
I still have no savings. I applied for a credit card recently ro buy a new washing machine and was denied, the rejection was because of past delinquencies. That’s just as well. I had to pay outright. It is paid for and I am able to move on without more debt.
I have to say, it was humiliating to see my annual income, but be denied for that amount of credit. That’s what gambling addiction really is to me, Humiliating!
I had this picture in my head of success, and I saw the money go in and then right back out. Success should not be pictured this way. I had believed for too long that a certain amount of things would make me happy. A certain amount of money in the bank, a certain title at work, a certain car or wardrobe…..that’s not success.
Success was on Sunday when my children wanted to have lunch together with us after church (22 and 17 and they still give us time). Success was tonight seeing my 9 year old nephew’s face when he realized I came to watch his baseball game. Success was getting a text from my 17 year old letting me know he was on his way home from work the other night because he knew I would worry about him driving in the rain.
I want to focus myself on these intangibles, instead of monetary things and the world’s view of success. I mean what really drove me to be come a CG? It was the search for a good time, a big win, for what? Who was going to want to spend a second with me when I had shut all of these important things out? I have to ask myself, if I was still in the strangle hold of gambling like I was, would I still even have these intangibles to be grateful for? I highly doubt I would have a nickel if we had not banned last year.
I am not cured, but I am getting better. I am moving toward a life that finds joy in other things, things that truly matter.

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Hi Lizbeth, It was good to catch up on your posts. I admire your energy and your projects sound fun and rewarding.
We need to repair our fence. I love the idea of painting, but the reality of it always sets in about an hour into the project. Doing it over a few days sounds like the right way to go about it!
I think you handle your Mother’s bad attitude wonderfully. You spend time with her regularly, but leave when she gets too grumpy. That’s a nice balance. Pat yourself on the back, you are a good person, a great daughter, a supportive Mother, and a rock star of a Grandmother.
Wish you lived closer, because I would love to have a coffe with you! You are just the kind of lady that all would love to call friend:)

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So happy for you! It is wonderful to read about your renewed relationship with your daughter. God Bless!

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Feeling down tonight. I am still gamble free and finances are certainly brighter, but I feel very flat. I had a rough day at work. I have been speaking to a few people about my gambling addiction lately and have spoken out loud all of the misery it has caused me. It seems to help keep me focused on NOT causing myself anymore harm. My thoughts still get twisted up and the lies my addicted brain tells me are still very tempting. Talking it out just seems to settle those lies down. When I start to list all the bad things gambling created, it sheds truth on my own lies. I can’t win. Even if I win, I will have to pay taxes on the winnings and I will not get to keep the win. I will just give it all back and reawaken the daily torture.
I would get nauseous when I tried to eat. I couldn’t sleep. I felt guilty all the time. I felt like all my life revolved around when I could gamble again. I could spend a weeks pay in one night. I almost lost my house, (twice!!) I sold my first weddingband, I sold a ring I had since I was 15 years old (I sometimes forget I did that and start searching through my jewelry box for it). I ruined my credit. I created debt that wont be paid off for years.
So I haven’t gambled, but tonight I feel really depressed. This is not like me. I am so tearful and for no good reason.
Gambling surely wouldn’t help. I would just be depressed and broke. I am vulnerable when I feel like this. This is why I am not able to gamble, I have a brain that has decided that the cure is gambling, when the truth is gambling was the disease itself. The very disease that caused my brain to be jacked up like it is now!

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What a wonderul post. You are truly an inspiration. A warning to us all that this addictionhas serious consequences, but there is hope. You are an overcomer. I am thankful to God that He carried you through to this happier place. May your life be all that He has designed it to be everyday (because what He wants for us is better than we can imagine)!

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Life is better without gambling! Lizbeth, Vera, and Happy thank you for your replies. It makes me feel good when someone writes here.
Our church added Sunday school today and an extra sservice in the evenings. They have nominated my husband to be a deacon. He will also teach next week’s Sunday school lesson. God is really changing things. We are trying to live according to His will, but can I just say that this world sure does turn my head. Keeping fixed on Him is hard if you keep turning your head. Money and success here on earth wont mean a thing in heaven. I dont know if my husband will accept the deaconship. We have a lot wrong with our household. I don’t know if we are really living up to the standard of such a position. I suppose my biggest fear is that we will end up a stumbling block to someone. He meets all the criteria, except The wife of a deacon is supposed to be” reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things”. He is also supposed to rule his house well.
I am not so sure that I am temperate. I am certainly not faithful in all things. I am scared to be held to these standards because I don’t want to hurt our little church, or be a reason that someone might say, hey look there, you see those two? She has a gambling problem and he let her! He likes to gamble a little, but she, she is an addict. I don’t want to be the reason someone might stay away. God offers grace, but few people do.

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I appreciate all the comments. Thank you.
It was a good thing that we didn’t give in and gamble last Saturday because my son’s car is very old (1994) and wouldn’t you know, the alternator went out on it on his second day of driving it! So his Dad took it to the mechanic and had them check the whole thing over for safety and have them replace the alternator. The bill was a whopping $697. Now we still have to replace the tires and I am hoping this vehicle still has some miles left to give us. The mechanic said that mice had made a nest in the wiring:) this is a car that sat for a long time. That is all our available cash. All gone, but let me just say that not gambling has allowed this opportunity. I had $7, I had -$1200!!!! This is truth. I was so completely irresponsible with our family’s future. No wonder I was sleepless and frantic. Having a paycheck go into our account and not be gone from negative balance fees is awesome. Getting a bonus and watching it sit inSavings week after week waiting for the time to buy our boy a car. Priceless freedom.
Lauren and Happy (sorry girl you cant be fear, i reject that name) you both have a similar thought in your replies to me. Happy, you wrote resist the devil and he will flee from you…..Lauren wrote to stay focused on God. Both of these work together. The verse is James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
That’s the way to win at this recovery.

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Hello to all my GT friends!
Just thought I should update. I have NOT gambled. I did have the opportunity to run off last Saturday, but we stalled and stalled until the weather was got ugly and because of the lateness of the day and the long trip it would take, I just decided to pass. That is real progress. I was still a bear for the rest of the weekend, but that is my addiction acting out. I still struggle. It is horrible that this switch has been turned on in me. Why after all that I have been through would my mind still turn to gambling as a fun activity?
We have managed to buy our son a car. We have been able to afford the exhorbitant car insurance premiums. My bills are current. Our debt is still massive,, but we are chipping away at it very nicely.
My life has improved so much and yet that temptation becons still. It isn’t every day thankfully and with proper planning, and by not allowing myself opportunity, I am still gamble free. Praise God!

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Just checking in. My husband and I went to the beach for the weekend about two weeks ago. We had a great one night get-a-way. We were running away from our ungrateful children. It was a great trip, but we did visit the dog track while we were there. He loved it, I tolerated it. We both bet, but I have to say, I was ready to leave very soon. He wanted to stay, so we stayed. I know it is a form of gambling and I saw all the same desperate characters, but for me, this is not my addiction. It was like something I could easily do without forever. I suppose I have to count it as gambling, but there is no real guilt there. I didn’t want to tellmy family because they all know I struggle with slots. I have not bought a scratch off lottery which is something I do recognize is risky behaviour for me. So I stay away from that.
I believe that given the opportunity, I would go to the casino, but since we keep cramming things into our weekend, there has been no trips. Money worries are lighter, I am making serious progress on debt reduction. I don’t think about gambling for days at a time now. That is so nice. I am having some thoughts today, I don’t know what we have planned this weekend, so I will have to be on guard.

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When you deeply dislike someone, they have as much power over your thoughts as those you love.
Those people don’t deserve to have any room in my thoughts, so letting them push me into gambling is giving them way more power over me than I am willing to give.
If I were to blame someone for making me gamble, that is a copout. They might make me want to gamble, but to act on that trigger is all me. No-one can choose to do that for me.

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