[kpat]

Just finished a wonderful meal. I had $68 left in the ine account and spent $64 of it at the grocery store! Bought and cooked Salmon and pork inTeriayki sauce and olive oil. Made some brown rice with onions, mushrooms, seasonings (bay leaf) and at last an egg mixed in. Nice salad
too. Wow! My son has an interest in cooking and he did the meats with my direction. It was a lot of good time spent together. (He cooks better than our 21 year old daughter)
So my husband had a terrific meal ready when he came home from work. Husband was eccstatic! He is taking the left overs to work tomorrow. (That breakroom is going to reak of fish!)
I wrote in an earlier post how lazy I had become. It was good to cook something nice. It was a good day off. I matched a huge basket of socks for the whole family. (I am laughing to myself) It took FOREVER!!!
Another pay day tomorrow and the money is all used up already. I sorted through some of the unopened mail today. That was frightening. ALSO Had a UPS (you have to sign for this) delivery today. I wondered who ordered something. But No, it was a bill collector notice. They are obviously getting more serious about collections if they paid for that letter to be delivered like that. So I will pay them tomorrow. (Check will be gone)!
Probably shouldn’t have splurged on the Salmon. I wanted to buy a jigsaw puzzle to work on, but that would have meant less food in the pantry. It would have also meant a trip to Walmart. I hate going there. That place makes me crazy. My lack of patience for those lines makes me a nut case by the time I leave there. So….I will buy a puzzle soon (maybe send my daughter?)
No gambling, haven’t got the money or the time and I REFUSE to become addicted to scratch-offs or the dog tracks.
I hope everyone is still gamble free. I know self exclusion is probably the only reason I still am, but Hey, I will take it.
Thank you all for posting here and to me. I really look forward to reading and may become a little addicted to this. This site has been a life line for me.

[kpat]

My son has a day off from school tomorrow for Veteran’s Day. I decided to take the day off with him. He says he hates that I will be off with him. I am probably ruining some of his plans! Good;) He is always up to something. Mostly he is a great teenager. Terrific grades and brilliant at school. He is also the curse my mother placed on me when I was a teen. “I hope you have a child just like you!” I was a liar as a teenager. Always aguing with my parents. Always into something not good. He is going to be a great man. I just have to make sure he lives through these years.
So I will spend some time with him. Make him go to the grocery store with me. Make him get some of the homework done. He is a terrible procrastinator (like me).
On the recovery front…. I think I might be going a little
crazy. I am finding that logging onto my computer at work, makes me think about the slots. Going into a public restroom makes me think of the casino. Knowing I had the day off tomorrow made me think of going to the casino when I got in my car today. These are just momentary thoughts, but still…enough already.
I am thankful there are no other venues within 2hours of here and they aren’t really the venue I want. ( I know this, because I looked it up a couple of days ago.) What a crazy thing this is in my brain. I looked up to see if I could go somewhere else and gamble!! What??
11/14/14 will be one month. Only one month and it feels like a VERY long time. I learned something from all these journals. One day at a time.

[kpat]

I have to agree that husbands are very strange creatures. I don’t often have to tune my husband out….he doesn’t talk much at all!!
I am in Florida, so I can’t complain about the cold just now, but I thought I would send you some warm thoughts from here. I read nearly all of this thread and Bettie’s and I want you to know how much you have helped me see a life that is waiting for me without the anxiety of gambling. I see I must stay on guard and find things to do. Your quilting makes me remember when I used to love to cross-stitch. I wonder if my eyes could still handle that. It’s been a long time since I tried to do anything other than plan my next casino day.
Thanks again and I hope you have a beautiful dinner. Stay warm::)

[kpat]

You are doing fantastic. It is very inspiring to read your posts! Keep posting, I am excited to see all the great new things you will find now that your head is clearer.
This a hard road we are taking to EARN our money iinstead of being delusional that we will win. All my wins added together over the years have only Ever made me a loser. I am tired of being a loser!
No more taking chances with my future.
I think we will all be winners if we keep choosing to work hard and pay our bills, be present and sober for our children. These are the things you have been doing and that makes you a very big winner in LIFE!

[kpat]

I did something very different today. My husband and I took a care package to our nephew who has just moved into a community work program. He is fresh out of prisonn for embezzlement. This is his second trip for the same crime. He didnt check in with his probation officer or continue to pay his restitution. He let his grandparents pay it for almost 2 years and then they told him he had to take it over as they are on a fixed income and could no longer afford it. He never paid it, not once. All the time acting like everything was fine, knowing he was going back for up to 24 months. He has two young sons and their Mom is not agreeing to bring the boys to see him. I tried to tell him that she is just trying to protect them from seeing him incarcerated. He will be done Jan 30.
The point is we were able to buy about $20 worth of snacks and give him some help for bus fare until he gets his first check. If we had not stopped gambling, we would have been at the casino unconcerned about him today. Sunday afternoons, I am finding are a big trigger day for me. Reaching out to help him felt terrific. We really don’t have any money and that money should have gone to pay debt, but I have to remember there are a lot of DEBTS owed to our family because of a self-centeredness and isolation that we have ignored too.
I am going to try to add acts of kindness to my recovery, it feels really awesome:)

[kpat]

I am very happy to read of your holiday plans. I am with Vera on buying that ticket asap! I think you should consider taping your son’s picture on your computer. It is hard to look our kid’s in the eye when we are planning to gamble.
You have recognized your risk, so put some sort of barriers in place to get you through the urges. I remember a story or maybe it was amovie where they put their cards in a bowl full of water and then in the freezer. It was funny, but maybe it would make us think, before we set off to self destruct.
I liked the list you made of your plan a few posts back. I keep re-reading my posts so The memory of my despair stays fresh.
Oh and dont forget you need a new pair of shoes!!

[kpat]

Vera………that is sooooo gross! I would have bolted too! Yuck! Nasty man!
I always had to stick close to my husband when we were in the casino. Number one he is nice looking and some of those women….well, you know the type. But more importantly to me at those times was he always held the money!!!

[kpat]

Oh yes, we were Elite at our casino. $80 voucher for dinner meant $1200.00 in losses. All the while my sister is taking vacations and we of course, can not afford to go with them.

Wish I could get a do-over for the last 5 years…..
My sister told my sister-in-law about us self-excluding. It sort of upset me, as I thought she understood this information was confidential. I guess it doesn’t matter, the more who know, the less I have to worry about my secret getting out. It’s just so humiliating to be the one with a problem. I wonder if this means, all the times I was thinking I was helping someone through something tough, that I was secretly judging them? Why should I worry what people think? My sister-in-law will tell others. Maybe it will help someone else.
My household, probably lways appeared to have it all together. Maybe everyone knowing our “secret” will let them feel better about their own issues. I just fear that we will be a stumbling block to someone. Living the church life with a gambling addiction sure would look like hypocrisy to a lot of people.
Knowing we were living a double sort of life, made me quick to forgive others. I hope that as this comes out to the rest of our families and friends they will be forgiving of us. (Me).
My husband is the very best guy in the world. Everyone loves him. He is so laid back and calm. Not me, I am the shrew. I am Eve. Thank God for His mercy and Grace. I am in need if it daily.

[kpat]

I was just thinking about our self-exclusion and remembered the conversation I had at the security counter. My husband and I are completing the paperwork and I asked if the ban was nationwide. My husband was looking at me kinda funny and I blurted out, “well, I might want to go Vegas or something!” He was horrified.
As we were walking out, we were holding hands tightly ( my slot partner and main man) I was looking around saying goodbye; I guess. My husband started walking a little faster, he said, “This place is our Sodom and Gomora, Don’t look back!” And we were at the door.

It has been 24 days and I haven’t gambled. I am so glad. Just a Friday night at home. That’s all we can afford, but I must say I am feeling pretty rich. And I am not a pillar of salt.

[kpat]

In the US, when times are really tough we say we will be eating Ramen noodles. Thats what college kids do when they are slap broke.
just add water they cost about 35cents.
I have been bringing them to work for lunch! I have to laugh or I would cry. You are so right that us gamblers can find a way to get by. Today is 24 days, still in debt but looking up.
Day 1 will be day 2 soon. I see filet mignon in your future!

[kpat]

Excellent post!!
So positive, great to read such uplifting words.

[kpat]

I hope you get to spend some of the Christmas holiday with your son. Many people dread the holidays because of being alone.
So you have a plan to get the funds together for the trip and by not gambling those funds away, I am sure you will be able to do it! You wont have to be so relieved to see it over if you get to be with the one you love.
I read through your posts and I must say the positivity in them is starting to really shine!
I had lunch with my Mom yesterday and you know, I actually thought of you and even though she was very negative, I was able to just enjoy being with her. You sharing your pain, made me appreciate her. It made me recognize how important it is to spend time with her. I am so sorry for your loss, I just wanted you to know that it made me recognize that I have been neglecting those I love for a long time now. Thank you for that!
When you get lonely, post here. I know we all are rooting for you! One day at a time.

[kpat]

Day off from work today. I took my Mom to an appt. She had to have a biopsy after some test results came back suspicious. My Mom is also a CG. She has not come to that conclusion herself, but all the family is aware.
I really hate it for her, because she has lost so much money in the last few years that my Dad is very controlling of her. I can’t really blame him too much. She lies to us all a lot. She is so negative about everything and because he is an alcoholic, she feels she has the right to keep gambling. This is not her true personality. She is areally caring person, but gambling has made her an angry and agitated person. We only went together to the casino twice in all the years we have been gambling. I never told her when me and the hubby went because I knew she had a problem. Her and my Dad fight viciuisly about money. I told her about our self- excluding and she quickly changed the subject. I knew she had problems with gambling for years before I ever went myself. I even went to an intervention for her with my sister . I cant believe I let the same thing
happen to me!
This gambling issue runs deep in our family. When she was about 12, her father, my grandfather, was arrested for stealing money from his milk route. He had played poker with it and lost. She saw him taken away in handcuffs. Her brother was arrested for embezzlement from his job managing a gas station. He stole the scratchoff tickets, thousands of dollars. The whole family had to pitch in close to $30K to keep him out of prison. He died of a sudden heart attack at 52 about 6 months into his probation.
I am writing this to myself. To remind myself of the destruction this addiction has caused. I believe in familial curses. Iniquity traveling through generations. This has to stop here. I dont want to hand this to my kids. I hope its not too late as they are 16 and 21 already. They have watched their Dad and I and still see their Grandmother running to the casino every chance we could/can.
I really hate what gambling has done to my family. I can only try to make positive choices for myself going forward and keep praying for my Mom.

[kpat]

Trust is hard to gain back. When we have hurt those we love with our gambling, it makes them so distrustful of us. Your journal reminds me of a friendnof mine who had an affair. Her and her husband separated, they went to counseling. She was faithful again and things were going better. They reconciled and some years went by. She complained that her husband still would ask her probing questions, look through her phone and so on. I felt for her. She was faithful, but she had really hurt him. Try to be patient with your family. They need time to see the changes you are making.
I think Gambling for us is an escape. It certainly doesn’t help our situations. You have lots of tools from your treatment. Go back and start again! You are worth it and your family will come around when they see the tools put to action.
One day, one hour if need be, at a time.
Don’t give up.

[kpat]

So my husband was making a joke and said a phrase from one of the slots we used to play. For a moment the breath was knocked out of me. I asked him if he knew where the phrase came from and then the kids asked….I told them it was from a slot machine. EVERYONE was silent and then he said, “I didn’t mean to, I don’t know why I said it”.
Anyway, apparently the games leave a mark. It has been 18 days since we last went. I had to count it. It feels like a very long time.
I asked him on Friday as we were walking into the highschool football game how he was doing, and he says he is fine. I told him I was most definetly not “fine”. I told him I wished we were on our way to the casino right then!
We spent $17 dollars on parking and entrance. That made me think! A $20 in the machine was nothing. I used to beg him to let me play with a $100. It is so hard to earn it. Why was it so easy to give away?
We had to self-exclude. There really was no other choice. I was going to die in one of those chairs! I had to give CPR to a lady in that casino. She had what I think was a stroke while playing a slot. This was probably 5 years ago. I was the first to get to her and being a nurse, I started CPR. She was dead, but started breathing after we worked a few minutes. I should try to keep this in mind. That was going to be me!
I dont want to die in that place.
I am Thanking God today for a second chance.

[Author]

Posts