[kpat]

Vera
I am discovering that my husband is not a CG! He must have really loved me to have gone with me all these years. He talks to me about gambling, but he is not having urges or really any problems with quitting.. He looks at me like I have two heads when I tell him I want to gamble. Apparently he would have been ok to stop anytime. I would pitch some amazingly awful fits to get him to tae me. I will spare you on some of the lies I would tell him about the bills in order to let him think we could afford it. Basically, I need the help in quitting and he needs to learn to stand up to me. He wanted to keep me happy so he went along with my scheming. He never has wanted the responsibility of the household finances, so it was easy for me to dig this hole so deep. Now, I m not saying that he didn’t spend a lot too, but he was just as happy to play the games for free on the computer. He trusted me to not take out more than we could afford. Then I would “remember” all the bills on the way home. It is truly a time of reflection right now in our house. He is growing a backbone and I am working on humility.

[kpat]

I got the job and it comes with a nice increase in pay too!
I start Moday. Now I have to figure out how to complete my quarterly report in ONE DAY! I have to finish it or else. I have been very busy making sure everyone’s evaluations are done, because it will be anyday now that the branch I am leaving is going to be audited by our Corporate compliance officer. I want them to do well as it really is a reflection on me.
I am ready for a change, but a little nervous too. The new office is three times the patient census and employees. There has been some unhappiness there and one clinical manager walked out on Tuesday because she was so unhappy. I hope to be able to bring their team back together again. Personalities are always the hard thing. I truly believe it is hardly ever about the job or the work itself that makes someone quit. It is nearly always about the coworkers.
I spoke too soon about the overdrafts. Apparently I forgot to pay the car insurance, so I had to take the fee in the chin. Very, very frustrated about money. I should not have this problem. We make a nice living. I just gambled to the brink and am paying for it dearly. I mean I really must have lost my mind somewhere back there in that casino! I will
probably have to wait right up until Christmas to be able to shop.

[kpat]

That was very scary to read about your Mom. I hope she continues to improve. You really are an amazing person. I am glad to have read your story. Feeling Hopeful is the best tag line of all!
I was a cardiac nurse before I got into home care and the heart monitor and stress test sounds like the right things to me to get to the bottom of the reason for her episode. Hope you have a wonderful time on your trip and I will be praying for your Mom:)

[kpat]

Thinking of you and especially your Dad today. Praying for good results from his tests

[kpat]

Hi Micky,
What sort of things do you have planned for 10 days off? Your posts are very inspiring. I worked nights for one summer several years ago and I thought I would die. I admire anyone that can do that!

[kpat]

Money, you have to have it to live. I made it a full week without an overdraft! Looking forward to a mailbox without collection letters and a bank statement without negative balances and overdraft fees.
I am sick of sandwiches for lunch!
My car is overdue for an oil change by at least 4 months.
This is a right, pretty pickle we have put ourselves in.

Just needed a tiny moment to vent.
Now, I know; we won’t starve. We are blessed, blessed, blessed. And my house still smells like cinnamon:)

[kpat]

I am in for a December pledge. I need it. I need the accountability. Not just to me or my family, because I have failed in my pledges to them and myself in the past. On December 15th I will reach two months. I am thinking very hard and I really can’t remember if I have gone more than 6weeks without gambling in over 5 years. I would Try and try and make it about two weeks. This time is different. I am only promising today and that I will takee each day and they will come together to add up to December.
Without the gift God gave to the world on Christmas, the gift of forgiveness, I would be lost. Jesus offers the hope I need, to live with eternity in mind. The opportunity to be forgiven is a gift I need everyday. Merry Christmas, Ican! You are the first one I’ve said this to for the season:)

[kpat]

My children had a big fight today. Our 21 year old daughter picked up the 16 year old after school. They started arguing because he wanted her to take him to DunkinDonuts for a frappe or some such. Apparently she said no and this ended up with him getting out of her car in the middle of the road, while she was stopped behind a school bus. She called me frantic at work because she couldn’ t find him for a few minutes. As I was talking to her trying to think what to do, he walked up to the gas station where she was parked waiting for him. Then, it just so happened, that my Mother drove past and saw her car and she pulled in too. Oh Dear Lord at the drama!
I am home from work now and our daughter has left for a date. Our son is very contrite. HMMMMM?!
She apparently acted like she was going to hit him and was driving like a mad woman and…. oh, whatever! I am just glad they were not hurt. I think I am coping pretty well. I am going to let their Dad straighten them out. In the past, if something like this happened, I would still be screaming at them. I did not even think about gambling to fix or stuff or forget this drama. That is progress of a sort.
Still haven’t gotten confirmation about the job transfer, the VP is out of state so it may be week of waiting. I have no control over that, so I will just have to put that in the column of things that I will not be stressing over.
My house smells like cinnamon. (Cinnamon brooms are so cool to have at Christmas time) I am so glad I bought one!

[kpat]

Hi Liam
Hoping you are taking care. Come back and post when you can.

[kpat]

I am so glad you came back and posted. I offer you no sympathy, I offer you Empathy. I have no idea how anyone that has felt this horrid beast breathe down their neck could not understand how things could get very bad, very fast. I have been praying hard for you. I even added you to our prayers this morning at church. I asked for prayer for my friend John, who is going through some terrible things. You are important and worthy of the recovery from this addiction. Take care of you, if it means residential treatment, do that. Whatever it takes, you are somebody! You are somebody’s father, son, and brother. You are my friend!

[kpat]

Hi Tiki,
Welcome to GT. Thank you for the kind words on my journal. This is probaly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will add you to my prayers and encourage you to gather together all the help and support you can find.
In the first few weeks, I was so sad and tearful. Don’t give in! You do deserve better. I am on an emotional roller coaster since I stopped, but at least I am able to hold my head up. I am having a good day today. Today I will not gamble. I will not give in today. Let’s have those good things we have denied ourselves. Just keep it real simple. Worry about today only. Sufficient unto today is the evil thereof. Tomorrow is a day away and I will worry about that later. Breathe girl!

[kpat]

Thanks Sad! I was smiling and thinking of you when I sewed a button on an old pair of comfy pajajmas last night. I have a lot of black clothes too. The dye won’t help that I have slacks that are very dated in their style, but I love the idea.

Happy today to give over all the depressive thoughts and defeated feelings. This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

[kpat]

Home all day today. Nearly all the laundry is done. Probably two loads left. I have been stir crazy. I have to force myself to do the housework. Made a sort of gumbo with the leftover turkey and ham. We will have that for dinner. Husband had to work today in order to have Thanksgiving off so it was the teenager and I together. He helped a little, but has been sick so I let him sleep in til 10:30.
Basically I have been planning a casino trip in my mind all day. In the past I would have tackled the housework and then used that as reason for a trip to slotville. I guess old habits are really hard to break. I won’t go. I won’t gamble. I just am having a hard time thinking of something else to do.
Now my husband is home and he is tired from working all day, he had to be at work at 6:30am. I, of course, am raring to go. Anywhere at this point to stop that longing to go and RUIN MY LIFE BY GAMBLING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
He mentioned having a fire outside in the firepit. Maybe we can sit out there and just be. I have no idea how to get pleasure out of just being still anymore. I think I am doing good and moving on, and then a day like today, just makes me realize that all I am really doing is gambling in my mind.
This is not about the win. This is about habit. This is about boredom and wanting excitement. I watched a video the other day called Finding Joy. It is on youtube. It is about a woman named Joy chat was a CG. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. It was too depressing, but there was a part that showed the brain patterns of a CG and how the excitement center becomes dull. The brain has become immune to excitement because of overstimulus from gambling. It explains so much. It helps to know that my brain probably looks like that. I have been zapping it for many years with fast moving pictures and endorphins from expecting a big win. And now I am damaged. I have caused everything else to umderwhelm me.
Now what I need to know is if I can retrain my brain to feel excitement again?

[kpat]

Thank you, Ican and Bettie for the support you offer.
I had a great day today. Work was very pleasant. The girls in the office have decided to be nice to me. I think they are very nervous about who might be my replacement. We decorated the office for Christmas and I bought pizza and wings for them out of office funds.
Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner were fantastic. I finally had enough room for pecan pie. (Delicious).
Haven’t been able to shop yet. I guess I will have to miss out on Black Friday deals. Looking forward to the weekend, but not the laundry that has piled up.
Gambling is calling my name, but I am too busy to answer!
Life is good.

[kpat]

My children were laughing at me and it’s your fault!!! 🙂
I was walking through the house this morning and picking up all the mess. Sayingthanks as I was working. “Thank you God for these dirty socks. Thank you God for this basket of clothes to put away. Thank you God for these shoes and these shoes that are left in the livingroom floor.” Not being sarcastic, but being truly thankful for the family and blessings that allow a mess to be created. They were smiling and laughing at my silliness. My husband looked over at our very old, very whiney dog and said “Thank you God for this whiney dog.” What a great thing you posted. I will be thankful for every dirty thing in this house!
😉

[Author]

Posts