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Hi Lulu,
This is a great way to start. The best thing I have done to help me stop gambling is self-exclusion from the casino. It wasn’t that hard at that moment for me because of how many times I had tried to stop by sheer will power. I kept going back, over and over, despite my promises to myself. I finally realized, I had to make it nearly impossible for me to gamble. I can’t trust myself. I am pwowerless over this addiction. I had to admit that. I had to Suck up the courage and put my name on the banned list. It will be two months in a few days and it has been a struggle, but it has been the best decision I have made in a very long time. You can stop. Put up some high barriers and take it one day at a time.
:)KP

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That’s the trouble with this addiction! My coping skills have gotten rusty. Everytime I get stressed, my mind reminds me of how much “fun” it was to gamble.
We both know the “fun” leads to a world of pain! But isn’t it the strangest thing to have that urge over and over?
I was glad to read you had family time with your sister. It is good to try to patch up family. It is a way to a life without as many regrets.

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Hi Bettie,
Praying for good results from your scan. I understand about being too tired to do all the traditional decorations. We have had the tree up for 5 days and it hasn’t been decorated at all!

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I was just thinking of some of the things I tried to help myself quit gambling.
I wore a rubber band around my wrist for 2 weeks one time. Ever time I got a thought or urge I would pop it. Then I needed the rubberband for a file and used the one on my wrist. That experiment was probably a year ago… it worked until it didn’t. Lol

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Thank you Ican, Sad, and Vera, Overcoming the gambling urges and consequences of my weakness and bad actions is so hard!!!!
I think we are all on a journey and if we want that journey to turn out right, we have to know it is not all about what we want. What I want is not always the best for me. When we really understand that we reap what we sow. It is easy to understand the bad outcomes that come from addiction. I mean all addictions have some negative outcomes.
I totally agree with you Vera that there are people that are charlatains and prey on the spiritually weak for their own glory.
Temptation never comes from God, it comes from our own minds or the devil himself. The strength to resist temptation can be found in ourselves as well, but I have to lean on my faith because I can’t do this by myself. I tried. I failed so many times.
I do believe a person could be healed in an instant. I have seen and heard stories. That doesn’t seem to be what God has in mind for me. I think I am going to have to battle this gambling thing until the day I die. During times of trials and temptation I am being worked on. I am being honed and pressed into something better. I am one day going to be able to help someone else when they are going through a battle.
Make no mistake, God will not be mocked. We will reap what we sow, and this is not just a threat or warning, it is also a promise. If we sow things of the spirit we will reap spiritual things. I am trying so hard not to keep sowing to the flesh, because that has brought about my desttruction.

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Sending up prayers for you. That big fat zero in savings glares at me everytime I check the banking. In fact there is some rather big spaces in my jewelry box and my husbands retirement account is at half mast. We did up real good (sarcasm here). We messed up so bad it is sickening. The urges come anyway!
We must press on. Press on toward the mark, day by day. Paycheck to paycheck. If we fall we will never see those zero’s turn into numbers. We will never see those spaces filled in. We will hollow out our souls at the same time. The bet is too much, the risk is too high. Reaching out my hand to you through cyberspace. We shall overcome.
🙂

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I got flowers delivered today from my new boss and she took me to lunch!
What a very nice way to be welcomed.

Vera,, I think our Pastor knows, but not from us. I never had the courage to tell them. My husband and I went before the church and asked for prayer. (They even annointed us with oil). First time I ever had that done. This happened about 2weeks before we self-excluded. Those two weeks was the most frantic binge we ever had. It was pure chaos after we were prayed over. I truly believe that GOd brought things, or else allowed things to come to a very painful end so that when we stoped we had a very strong reason to seek Recovery.
It may sound far out there to some people, but this is my walk and I believe there is power in my Higher power. That’s what helped me have the courage to ban. I wanted to keep gambling. I just didn’t want the consequences of losing. (I suppose, if I am honest , I still feel that way.) I really can’t handle the consequences of gambling. I have to remind myself everyday.

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You are doing so well! The urges are the worst, but fighting them down, whatever it takes, feels so good the next day!
Living for the feel good of the next day is helping me set my mind straight.

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Hi John,
Hope you are getting ahead in your work and I am vglad you are trying to stay in the now. None of us really know what the future holds. Regret, shame, and guilt is found when looking back. Anxiety and worry can be found when looking into the future. Peace is often found in the very moment we are in. Negative thinking breeds negative thinking, so try to find a positive thought to concentrate on.
I remember when I was a child and I would have a bad dream, my Mom would say, “think about your favorite things to help erase the bad dream.” I would think abou
t hot dogs and rainbows and You know, that really does work.

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Lights are on the house and the back deck. My hb forgot that he was aggravated last year and tossed nearly all the house lights in the trash, so we don’t have enough to make it around the front completely. That means another trip to Walmart! We bought the tree and it’s in the stand, but we didn’t pay enough attention to the bottom and so our tree is much shorter after trimming and it has a bare spot:) I am smiling….what a funny scene we must have made for the neighbors, out in the front yard with a small chainsaw. He changed that tree from 7ft. To 5 1/2 in about a minute. Totally unnecessary for what he was doing, I just think he likes power tools! We have small house so its fine, but it is definitely a smaller tree than the last few years.
We had a great service at church and we took our pastor and his wife to lunch today. They have a one year old baby who is precious beyond words. She is adopted and I know they struggle with those adoption costs. That lunch was well overdue, but we had zero money up until now. Thankfully, they were conservative and we didn’t break the bank. IT FEELS AMAZING TO BE ABLE TO SIT WITH THEM WITHOUT GUILT AND SHAME! That lunch meant a lot to them. What a wonderful benefit of not gambling!!
I start my new job tomorrow:)

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What I like about recovery is…..paying the bills:)

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Thank you Ican,
We didn’t end up getting a tree today. The plans got changed. We ended up in Orlando with my sister and brother-in-law. They called when we were out this morning and invited us to go to Bass Pro Shop with them….no kids! Just grown ups and it was so funny because my husband had just shownn me a gift card he had from last year ($25) that he had never used. So we just up and dumped the teenager back at the house and had the best day ever. We ate at Moonfish for 1/2 price happy hour then went next door to The Meting Pot for chocolate fondue. She treated me to a Hawaiian Cosmo (fabulous)! We bought a few Christmas gifts and all total spent about 9 hours laughing and having a blast.
So I did end up celebrating my new job.
I took the teenager’s phone with me and hid the video game controllers, so he had a productive day completing a
ton of homework! Trust me, you must not feel bad for him. We took him out to breakfast this morning and he procrastinates so bad about homework sometimes you have to take away the distractions.
Being on the interstate at night reminded me of all the trips to the casino, but just a reminder. No real desire to go. What a great day I had today!

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Today is a beautiful day. Clear, blue sky and I woke up feeling great! I didn’t have any alcohol in the house so I didn’t drink or gamble last night. I am appreciating recovery right now. I remember the skipping thoughts and crazy insomnia after 8 hrs of slot play. The addiction wants me to remember playing as a fun time, but it wasn’t fun for me anymore. I remember crying, nearly hysterical in my kitchen, begging and pleading with my husband to say No to me the next time. Clutching and grasping at him, feeling suicidal, feeling like I was going to vomit from the pain of it all. Feeling out of control, a failure as a Mother, a wife, a Christian that had no faith. I remember that night! And I remember going to gamble many times even after that night. Today I am looking at my addiction very clearly. I still have it, I can still be fooled by myself.
Today, we will buy our Christmas tree. We will decorate the house tomorrow. I am feeling great! I don’t have to hang my head this morning. I am gamblefree today. Just for today I am free. The lying addiction voice is quiet this morning:)

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Waking up on a weekend feeling well rested because I was able to sleep. I love Seeing a new day with possibilities instead of regret and overwhelming worry.

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Last day at my office and I am glad to see the end of that! I was virtually ignored all day. The people in the office there are some of the mmost miserable people I have ever known.
The sales staff and field staff all were very sweet, and sorry to see me go, one even brought me lunch. I should probably focus on that. But it is very hard not to take it personally when you work with a group as small as ours and only one of them can bring themselves to say a proper goodbye. I guess they are as happy to see the back of me as I am them.
I look forward to a new chance with a new set of people. These last 2 1/2 years have taught me that some people just want to be miserable and there is nothing I can do to help that. That is a very hard lesson learned.
I would very happily take myself to the casino tonight. It just feels like that would set me straight. I want to celebrate my new job and celebrate the end of my old one. I want to run to the slots to bury the very hurtful day I just had.
Instead, my husband is working late, my son is out with friends, and my daughter is at my mother’s for dinner. I am home alone and have no plans. Why didn’t I pick up some wine when I was at the store? Gambling and alcohol won’t help, I know this,,,but this is my journal and if I’m not honest here then what is the point?
Arrrggghh!

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