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I am so glad to read your post. I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip. Next year you can pay it forward and help someone in need. I am sure your friends feel the price of that ticket is money well spent.
You are very wrong that you have been no help. Your posts to me in the first few weeks here meant an awful lot to me. Your honesty in your own journal brought me outside myself and showed me a very clear picture of my own struggle. I think you are very special and I am thrilled that you will be with people for Christmas.

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I am so mad at myself! I bought a $20 scratch off card and it has just about killed me today. I asked my husband yesterday to stop ans let me play the lottery and buy some cards and he drove right past the convenience stores that sell them. I asked him why he didn’t stop and he said, “you told me not to let you if you ever asked again.” So…I guess it was brewing. We have been spending a lot of money on gifts yesterday and today too and we went out for lunch both days. Is spending money a trigger? So today, I just walked right past him and our son at the grocery store and went up to a machine that sold them. I thought maybe he would stop me but he didn’t notice. I kept waiting for him to ask me if I won. When he didn’t, I felt terrible because if I didn’t tell him, then I would have to add lying to my guilt list. I told him about 3 hours later. He was disapointed, but told me it was alright. It isn’t, really!
So I have confessed here too.
Uggh, I wonder if I would feel this bad if I had won. (There’s a CG phrase for you!)

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Happy Birthday!!!

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Thank you all so much for your posts. I have been really sick the last few days. I missed two days from work. I was back today and tonight we had the Christmas party at a restaraunt at a local airport. (Small airport) it was very nice and free. I was able to dance for one song and had a couple of cocktails. Now I am remembering that I am still not 100%, so am completely wiped out. I have got to go shopping tomorrow to get the groceries for our Christmas Eve party. We have an open house every year. Lots of different people come over and we have a fire iutside and hot chocolate stand for the kids. Before we really started gambling, we would boil crab legs and have raw and steamed oysters. Needless to say, we can’t afford that anymore, so now we have everyone bring their favorite finger foods.
Have to buy a few gifts too. I can’t really wait any longer, we have one small pay check coming Christmas Eve, but that will be too hard, to prep the party and shop. Hoping my money will stretch to cover all the gifts.
My cinnamon broom has lost its punch, so I may buy some candles to help mask the dog smell. My husband has washed the livingroom area rug to help with the smell, but it may be too late for that rug. It really stinks. I dont have the money to replace it, so we have it hanging on the deck now to hopefully air it out.
Now that I said all that, I was really missing the casino tonight. I told my husband on the way home tonight just how badly I missed it. He said “think about this, here wee are driving down this highway, on our way home. We had a good time. We didn’t go to the casino, we have money for shopping tomorrow. Now picture this same ride if we were on our way home from there. We would have no money, we would be in the hole. It is Christmas and what would we do? You would be a mess right now!”
I know for a fact he is so right. This is a much, much better way to live. That self-exclusion on 10-14-14 saved our Christmas!

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There is hope!
Xxxooo

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We went to a Holiday Chorus performance tonight for my son. The teenagers were really talented.
My Mother came and I told her it had been two months since we gambled. She mumbled “Good for you”, then immediately asked me if the boots I was wearing were a pair she had bought for me. It nearly made my head spin, how fast she changed the subject.
The new job is going as well as can be expected. There are people who have not been getting along and they all want me on their side……..I am trying to not be sucked into the history they have with each other.
I am coming down with a cold and can”t decide if Ii should stay home sick tomorrow or not. I don’t want them to think I am a slacker, but I also don’t want to spread this crud through the office either.
One thing I can say is, the complete change in routine has quieted most of the gambling urges. I have been too busy lately to be bothered. Still broke, but not making it worse by gambling is bound to pay off eventually, right?

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Congratulations on your 2 months gamble free!!
I really enjoy reading your posts and all the good changes happening for you:)

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I have read your post and am praying for you. As long as we have breath there is still hope. Don’t give up. You are worth the effort it takes. This is a sly, mean addiction. It takes planning to overcome the lies it tells us. Banning and not having money available are weapons we use to fight the lies. Willpower is useless to me. It failed me everytime. I had to ban to even find a place to start to find my life again.

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Hi Eileen,
Sundays, I found was a trigger day for me too. The freeplay was a trigger as well. I tried throwing them in the trash without looking, but I usually dug them out anyway! Then, we asked our kids to get the mail and toss anything out that came from the casino, but they were unreliable. I marked the emails as spam, but then I would check the spam folder. Since you are trying to do this without excluding, I thought I would mention these things as it did help sometimes. I went on and on this way for years. I think it can be done, it’s just I did not have the willpower on my own. Until I excluded, the longest I ever went is about two months. Today is two months since I excluded. I no longer get mail or email from the casino. Noone knows we did this except my family and a few choice friends. So far, it hasn’t come up at work as a destination for a party or event.
If that should happen, I think I willclaim a stomach bug or something! Lol
Actually quitting made my emotions very labile for the first month, but they seem to be evening out now. I still have urges and still want to go, but that ban was the best thing I have done to help me quit. I wish you all the best and prayers for your recovery.

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It makes me sad to think of you not having any face to face time with other people. I want to load my family up and come knocking on your door, and drag you out of there to breathe some fresh air and have some human contact.
I was hoping you would be able to take Vera up on her invitation. So since Florida and Ireland are out of the question just now, what can be done to help? Working is good for the finances, but you are admitting to bad sleep patterns and isolation. The bars (pubs?) Are probably a bad idea too.
Maybe the grocery store? A park? A free museum?
I don’t know……I bet when you smile, people smile back! Just a feeling you give off here in your journal.
It’s good that you plan for payday. Gambling your money away after all that hard work would be a terrible waste.

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Today makes 2 months since I have gambled.
I have tried to remember the last time I made it this long and it has to have been at least three years, maybe even five years. This is a huge accomplishment for me personally.
I am sleeping better and just beginning to chip away at the financial damage. I am so glad to have hope that this is the beginning of a new and happier life. (ONE DAY AT A TIME! THANK YOU GOD!)

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Congratulations, your last bet is so close in date to mine, I know exactly what you are saying here. It feels like a long time and it is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.
:)Self improvement is worth it!

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I can relate to your post about withdawal symptoms. I could always seem to manage one week, then on week two things would get ugly around my house. If I couldn’t get my gambling fix, everyone around me suffered for it. I am glad you have your barriers in place. For me, if it wasn’t for those barriers, I would still be riding that crazy train.
Stomach all swirly for the excitement of betting; stomach all sick, sick, sick afterwards. Emotional Jail!
Wishing you a calm and peaceful day, without the Mania or Depression that gambling creates.

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I think I am going to go completely bonkers somedays. The difficulty of balancing such a financial mess is really taking a toll on me. I have this new job and new people to manage. They need a stable Administrator. They don’t need or want my baggage. I have to act the part. I was invited to lunch by some ladies in the office. I had brought a tuna sandwich for lunch. I went, I couldn’t turn them down, not when I am trying to build rapport. The office adopted a needy family to buy for for Christmas. (I must contribute). The church has a gift exchange tonight. That’s 3 gifts, I have to purchase. (Our 21 yr old can pony up for her own). Everyone thinks we are rolling in it! We should be!!
We have such debt and bills. It would boggle the mind of a non-gambler to understand the financial destruction I have caused. Still have to go on, still have to participate. This is juggling 101. My son told me the other day that his friends think we are rich. (Ha ha!) We have a tiny house and I have told people before that we decided to stay and not upgrase because we didn’t want to be house poor, with a big mortgage. Truth is we are terrible with money, we have crap credit from gambling for years. We couldn’t have upgraded if we tried and certainly not now.
So, I am exhausted, wearing this mask that all is good and ok. I am not really depressed, just tired!
We are going to get the oil changed in my car this morning. I finally have the funds to do that. (I have to keep my vehicle going). Going to go buy the gifts for the exchange tonight and we have to bring the Meat for the potluck. (Again, we on the surface, look as if we have more money than others at our church). They look at us for help. We have very good jobs and they know it. Many of our congregation are elderly or have financial hardships. We are supposed to be the stable family.
Just tired. Really really tired and broke and have been stupid with money.
Tomorrow will be two months since I gambled. Longest time I’ve managed in probably two years:)

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There are a lot of people hurting right now. This is a hard time of year. This is the time of year when we want to be happy. We are told by everyone to be merry. That’s a lot of pressure.
I don’t really know how I am going to put gifts under the tree this year. I know, whatever we do, it wont be on the same monetary level as years past. It will be ok. I am going to bask in the season. I am going to concentrate on every good thing I can.

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