[kolberg]

We are indeed!

I’m just said I’m different than most people because I’m a gambling addict. Why did it take so long to really assume it and take effective measures against this monster?

Anyway, now I’m all set to become a better version of myself. I know that expecting too much will lead to disappointment, but I cant avoid doing it. 

Regarding crying, it’s just that I feel that if I cried it all, this horrible sadness would go away. There’s still regret, shame, etc, but sadness is definitely the most intense emotion I’m feeling right now… Maybe I’m depressed and should get professional help, but I guess I’ll wait a couple of weeks and see if the new routine will help me feel better.

[kolberg]

Hey Steev,

Thank you for your words. Indeed it’s better not to go, but I never know when they ll decide to ask for cards at a coffee shop and play. I could try to persuade them not to, but it’s never certain.

Anyway, today I’ve been thinking precisely about that. I think I’ll let these people go as I start my new life in 2 weeks. I don’t mean no contact at all, but realise they re not that important and try to find more supportive, nicer friends in the city I’m moving to. Of course I’ll see them once in a while, but I get the impression that their friendship is not that genuine.

Regards,

Kolberg

[kolberg]

Today was an odd day… I did the afternoon shift yesterday and the morning shift today in this summer job. I didn’t sleep much because I had to come home, sleep and go work again all in 8 hours and it was a bit tiring. The job implies speaking and hanging around with lots of people from all over the world, so although it is a bit though sometimes, I get to know amazing people.
Anyway, in the afternoon I was with my parents and a friend of them, and this friend was telling all this stories about army, war, dictatorship, etc, and I was really emotional (like patriotism, empathy and a lot of sadness together). It was really touching my heart and I had to make an effort not to cry in the coffee shop. This leads me to the thing I wanted to talk about: we say men don’t cry, it’s a lie obviously, but i personally can’t cry alone. Sometimes I even feel I want to let it all out, burst into tears, but it seems my ego is too strong to let it happen. It’s strange, but I just wanted to share this thought.
Im doing my best to be in the good path! Regards,
Kolberg

[kolberg]

Well done on fighting the urge… Day by day we are going to become free from gambling!

[kolberg]

It seems it was so long ago but just a week passed. Not receiving emails, sms and ads from online casinos has been so nice.
A boss of a previous summer work texted me and I worked today and will work a few more days till the end of August. It was so nice working hard for money. Plus I got a 10€ tip and was so happy about it. Slowly I think I’m respecting money again.
After work some friends of mine called me while they were playing cards for money and whilst before I’d want to know who was winning, who was losing and how much, today I just said I didn’t care. They don’t play often, but I just hope I find the strength to just watch the next time I’m with them and they play (some of my friends are with them and don’t play, so technically I would just have to join those). I know it will be hard to refuse, and I also know that sooner or later I’ll be with them and they will ask me if I want to play. Does Anyone have advice on how to deal with it?
Regards,
Kolberg

[kolberg]

Hey,

Thanks, I do want to change my life. And I will!

I wish you all the best and will watch your progress on your journal too

[kolberg]

Self excluding myself was the best thing I’ve done. I stopped receiving emails, sms, even less Facebook and Instagram ads, I think.

Now it’s just dealing with the consequences of the last relapse, but I’m so relieved that I won’t spend one more euro in online casinos. It’s such a great feeling.

[kolberg]

Hey Steev,

I will make it a gamble free life!

Regards

[kolberg]

Hey Chris,

Thank you for your words. We must indeed look at the positive side of it. 

I excluded myself from all online casinos (in my country you can do it in just one government site). It was so simple, I wondered why I didn’t do it before.. Like 2/3 years ago… I wouldn’t be in debt, might have lost some money but not in the extent I did.

Anyway, as you said, what’s done is done.

[kolberg]

Hey Steev,

I’m looking forward to reading whatever you bring us, either your thoughts and moods or stories from the past and of your recovery. You’re an inspiration to me and I think to most of us.

Regards

[kolberg]

Well, reading what I wrote on Sunday is ironical, since that night I went to the casino with friends and gambled… I won some money and that was the beggining of a tragical week… I set 10€ limit per month in every website where I have an account (probably 10 websites), so it was really easy next day to blow everything I won and more. The worst was that I found a website where I didn’t put a limit so I gambled a lot of money, and the worst is that the money was not mine.
This is exactly what I meant before in this thread. It will never stop, it’s relapses after relapses until suicide, hospital, jail or miserable life.
I’m not giving up though, it’s just two weeks now till the new job, new city, new friends, new life.
For now, what I can say is that today (Saturday) is day 3. I didn’t even want to come here and admit I let this happen, I’m so sad, so disappointed. I guess I’ll have to take what happened as a lesson that one bet is enough to ruin everything. Deep down I knew it, it was just the gambler inside me desperately trying to feed the addiction.

[kolberg]

Hey,
Thank you for your words Steev. Listening to our inner voice is the most important thing. Figuring out why we feel low, or high or what’s going on is the key! But it’s so hard.
Anyway, I just came home from the vacations, they weren’t as amazing and healing as I thought they would be. Spending 24h/day with my family was a bit overwhelming and I thought about gambling and the mistakes I’ve made way more than I intended to. That’s not bad, as long as it makes us learn that gambling is an illusion, is stupid, is pointless. But it’s frustrating wanting to enjoy the beach, a beer, and our mind is constantly punishing us for the things we’ve made.
Well, I feel this time is for real. I’m on day 24 and I’ll keep counting the days, and I can never forget that this addictive behaviour is for life, and that one bet is enough to lose control of everything.
Good luck to everyone trying to beat this terrible monster and take care 🙂

[kolberg]

Beginning of day 15 🙂

Today I felt kind of low… I don’t know exactly why, it’s not even the regret about the mistakes I’ve made (I’m not thinking about gambling that much), I guess it’s the loneliness, but at the same time when I get the chance to be with people I tend to prefer to be by myself.
For example today friends that I don’t see that often invited me to hang out but I made up some excuse and didn’t go.
Should I force myself to go in such circumstances (as it eventually turns out to be funny and good for me)?
As said, I’m going abroad in a few days with family and I’m very excited about it, I hope it swings my mood and let’s me live a happy remaining August till I finally start this new challenging job in September.

I wish all the best to everyone (and of course to myself)! Take care

[kolberg]

Thanks RG 🙂
Day 12!! As I wrote, I was afraid this Summer was going to be really hard to me, since I don’t have much to do and I’m just waiting to start this new job in September.
Actually it has been easier than I thought. I’ve played music for many years (at least I’ve got one hobby that survived this addiction) and yesterday I had a concert and it was so nice to play, I really loved it. Today I’ll drink some beer in the afternoon with friends and then have dinner, so I guess it will be fun and gambling will be out of my mind for a few moments. Isn’t it crazy that I’ve thought about gambling every single day of my life in the last 3 years?
Well, I feel normal now, not too sad, not too happy. Actually next week I’ll travel to one of this all inclusive hotels with nice beaches and swimming pools with family (cousins, aunts, parents, etc) and I’m sure it will be really funny and I won’t think about gambling for sure.
Best thing is that when I come back I will have crossed the 21 days mark, which is technically the amount of time needed to “forget” an habit. With gambling it’s different, I know, since some gamble once a month (payday) and have obviously a problem. It’s still a benchmark I’m looking forward to achieve and I guess it won’t be that hard since I’ll be abroad and having a really nice time with my family.
I’m so grateful for the family I have. Regardless of everything, I feel unconditional love from them.
Thank you all for the support, specially Steev 🙂

[kolberg]

10 days GF. I don’t have much money to gamble anyway. I believe something’s different now and that this time is for real though!!

I’m a bit drunk now since I went out with some friends, but I still feel digusted about gambling and wouldn’t gamble even if I had the money or if it was possible (I set very low limits in all sites I used).

[Author]

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