[KiwiMac]

thanks Steev, Hambone and Seanraj for your comments. It’s nice to have a place to talk about this stuff where people have been there and understand.

I think I underestimated how hard it would be to stop. It sounds easy in theory – just don’t do it. But that’s not how addiction works. It’s hard work, every day.

I am going to my first GA meeting tomorrow night. Am nervous, but committed. I hope that being around other people who are dealing with the same problem will help me in my recovery.

Today I bought myself some new bedding and towels. Felt good to put my money to constructive use. It’s ironic that I struggle to spend money on myself but used to have no worries about wasting it gambling.

Working hard on not thinking about what I’ve lost to gambling, but thinking about quitting gambling as a win. I will be saving so much money by dealing with this problem. Have been tempted a few times last night and today, but am glad that I installed Gamban on my devices so gambling is not even an option.

[KiwiMac]

Well, like a lot of people who are gambling addicts, I had a relapse the last couple of days. I knew I was ignoring my triggers which was work stress, and weekends, and not feeling well. Same old story, I thought I could win back some money and then quit. Instead I lost more money.

I am done now. I just can’t keep living like this. I’ve texted the contact for local GA meetings and installed Gamban on my devices.

One day at a time.

[KiwiMac]

Thanks Steev, I appreciate your supportive comments. I am going to start making a list of the triggers I have and work out some strategies for managing them.

Have been doing a lot of thinking today, on my first day as a recovering gambling addict. I had work to distract me which was good, but had some thoughts about how I just needed to win back what I had lost. I know that’s a pipe dream. Even if I did win back what I’ve lost, I would get sucked back into that black hole and end up losing it again, and more. I also had to check my bank account to see if I got paid for something and had to see all those transactions to the online casino during the weekend. That was hard to see. The regret, guilt and shame. I have to let that go though. If I think about what I’ve lost then I’m too tempted to gamble again to try and win some of it back.

I came home from work and watched a talk on youtube, it’s called ‘problem gambling: no one wins’…it starts off a bit slow but then they have a recovered gambling addict who talks about his experiences and how it all spiraled for him and he literally lost everything. I felt for him, it obviously tore him up inside. It was helpful to be reminded about how easily gambling can spiral out of control, even to people who seemingly have a good life, and how bad it feels and all the negative effects. I think I need to be reminding myself of that whenever I am tempted to gamble “just once”. It’s never just once. It always sets me off on that same old road again. 

I also looked up GA meetings in my city. There is one that I could go to, although I haven’t got in contact with them yet. I am honestly a bit scared and anxious about going and wondering if it’s the right thing for me at the moment. I don’t want the stress of going to trigger me into a relapse, however I also wonder if I’m not making excuses to avoid going. One of the things I’m worried about is that I don’t know who else will be there, what kinds of gamblers will be there? I guess the only way to find out is to attend. I can always go a couple of times and see how I feel about it. 

I have also been thinking about the addiction side of it. I know some people call it “problem gambling” but for me I think it helps to think of it as an addiction. That is something I can deal with and manage, it’s an all or nothing thing, whereas “problem gambling” makes me think that there is a possibility of “responsible gambling”, which maybe there is for some people, but not for me. I have to treat this like an addiction, not just a problem. 

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