[kin]

I just found out that if I press the report button on someone post in my thread

This message will appear on their post – This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

I am so sorry for the mistake.

[kin]

Yesterday I woke up feeling totally different from the previous few days. My feeling was calm, manageable and under control. I could find joy in simple thing; I was not depressed. I could feel peace, contentment and gratitude. I was thankful: a simple meal feels so satisfying, and I was thankful to have a job.

Everything would have change if I could not resist and fall into temptation in the past few days.

I notice some warning and danger sign. I feel very different before work and after work. I need to be extra careful as I can be easily triggered and suffer from anxiety once I am tired and exhausted after work.

Taking one day at a time.

I need to watch out for depression and anxiety.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

My thought today.

After so many years of falling down, picking myself up again and continue with the journey.
I can safely say that I wish I have done better because I did not have a very impressive record.
I have slips and I have relapses. It was not perfect.

At the same time, I am really very thankful.
I know that things could have been much worst for me but it was not.

All the credit and glory goes to God and the people that was send to help me along the way.

Thank you.

[kin]

It seem to takes more effort and hard work for some people to stay gamble free.

Never compare
1. Some are not suffering from chronic physical illness.
2. Some are not suffering from mental illness.
3. Some are not suffering from physical and mental illness.
4. Some are not suffering from relationship problem.
5. Some are not suffering from financial problem.
6. Some are not jobless.
7. Some are not homeless.
8. Some are not hungry.
9. Some are not drained and exhausted.
10. Some are not lonely.
11. Some are not handicap.
12. Some are not caregiver.

Stress can come from many different factors.
Sometime it can be more stressful because you are stressed by a few things at the same time.
Sometime the stress can come in waves, one after another, one on top of another.
They can be a big distraction, temptation and trigger.
It just made the pain, hardship and suffering worst.

People are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule and sentence a person.
Few people know what it is like unless they suffer from the same problem.

Staying gamble free was easier for some and harder for some.
It was a choice to stay clean and sober.
This is why I respect anyone who can stick to their plan all the way to the end.
When I was depress, I just wish to escape and take away the pain, hardship and suffering.
I did not stop myself from wrongdoing.

If I have known that I have make a mistake and are heading in the wrong direction
I must make a U-turn back and change my ways.
If I allow the mistake to stay and continue in the wrong direction, I have not repented.

I am not sure. Look like I have not fully recovered from depression after more than 30 years.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Everything has return to normal for me now but yesterday was not.
Everything was OK but I did not feel OK.

I had this problem for many years but only getting familiar recently.
I am beginning to recognize the problem.

Nothing was wrong yesterday but I was feeling depress.

I have not gamble so I am not facing the problem that gambling gives me.
I have not gamble so I am facing the problem that has led me to gamble.

On the surface, it looks like a gambling problem but at the bottom, it was depression.

Depression made me feel very helpless and hopeless, I was feeling unhappy, pressurize and stressed. It was very dark.

I thought my bad days was over but never expected another one yesterday. My stress and trigger came one after another, wave after wave. I ended up feeling depress on the last day.

If the stress from my eczema and exhaustion did not make me relapse, the depression definitely will do the job every single time in the past because I wanted the pain, hardship and suffering to go away immediately. I would turn to compulsive eating, drinking, doctor prescribe drug, sex and gambling for good feeling.

I tell myself to stay focus on the job, I was at my working place for many hours, it has keep me occupied so I did not gamble yesterday.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Thank you marcusmaximus for this post.

[kin]

I was having my hot coffee and had the following thoughts:

After I journal in GT and put everything down in words, I seem to be able to see the picture clearer and it helps me see a better choice. When I speak to an addiction counsellor, recovery mentor or sponsor, I was hoping they can help me see a better picture and help me to make the correct choice.

Today I ask here:
What was the same for me yesterday and today?
What was the difference for me between yesterday and today?

The stress from eczema remains the same. The stress from my long hours at work remain the same.

Yesterday I was stress by both eczema, and exhaustion from work.

Today I was only stress by eczema after the sleep and rest I had yesterday, I am no more exhausted. I have regained my strength and energy that I need to cope with the stress from my eczema and job.

There are days when I have more stress, I can get stress by a few things at the same time. Stress on top of stress threaten to make me weak and break.

It was more difficult and harder to manage stress when I am weaker. I cannot find the inner strength and energy that I need to resist the trigger, distraction, temptation and need to escape any pain, hardship and suffering.

Everything returns to normal today. I went to the atm machine to withdraw money for grocery, not gambling. I walk to the supermarket to purchase grocery, not to a live betting house to gamble.

I do not have to live with regrets after I have lost money gambling yesterday
and I do not have to live with guilt after I have won money gambling yesterday.
Instead I had peace of mind, safety and security today.

[kin]

my scalp is very itchy today, my eczema is acting out plus the long hours at work without sleep yesterday, guess I was stressed and this has trigger me to want to act out in compulsive and destructive behaviors. I only want the pain to go away.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I was gamble free yesterday. It was suppose to be a normal day that I could have easily allow myself to relapse.

I wanted to sleep but I could not sleep. I went 24 hours without sleep on this day. My beautiful day turn ugly suddenly.

I could not describe that sick and stressful feeling inside my body. I cannot describe what hits me. I was feeling terrible. Maybe it was the fatigue and exhaustion from no rest, maybe it was the weather that has change to wet and rainy lately, this could have triggered my eczema to relapse. Maybe it was my off day and free time.

Instead of asking myself why I relapse today? I was asking myself; I did not know how I manage to stay gamble free on this difficult day.

I had the impulsive thought and was very close to acting out. I have look at the harmful consequences of acting out but I did not care anymore. I just want my pain, suffering and hardship at the moment to go away.

If I have gone to the atm machine to withdraw the money. If I have gone to the live betting house. Today was an off day, I had the time that I would not normally have on other days. I would surely relapse. I did not go near these dangerous places.

My barriers has offer me resistance and slow me down in acting out. I need to withdraw money that I have put away.

I have been practicing but this habit is still not very strong, I need to put in more effort to be patient and tolerance on this tough day. I was mindful that I will fall asleep eventually, it just take a longer time.

I was very mindful that I would not enjoy the acting out, it just help made my pain go away temporary. I will normally feel that it was a waste of time and money after acting out in the long term.

As a result of practicing, keeping myself safe today and staying away from danger today in the journal, I was very mindful not to go near danger.

I can remember rising phoenix posting sticking to the plan all the way to the end. I can understand what that means.

I prayed to my God, I ask for help, I honestly tell God that my thought has change; I have tolerated and endure gambling today; I wanted to compromise and give up my recovery with gambling today; I was wrong and I need to repent today, I need to make a U turn. I need to follow God, and change my way and direction but I did not want to do that, I only want the pain to go away today. I ask for forgiveness and mercy.

I tried to sleep again. This time I manage to sleep for 6 hours. I was still not well after I wake up. I sleep again for another 5 hours. This time I woke up feeling fully recharged, that pain and terrible feeling has disappear. I have regained my strength and the energy to stay gamble free for one more day. I did not relapse today. Everything returns to normal.

I do not envy anyone doing this. On some day, it is so tough and hard.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
I only need to stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Thank you risingphoenix for showing me how you do it.

“Stick to the plan all the way to the end.”

[kin]

Just finish doing my laundry and post in the forum.
Till we meet again. Stay safe and happy everyone.

[kin]

Hi jvr3419,

I loves the spiritual message and the spiritual discipline I see in your post.
Thank you for your sharing.

Best Wishes
Kin

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix,

Please do not be too hard and rough on yourself. Keep a look out for burnout and stress from work.
Please do not forget to give yourself a well deserve break from work.

Best wishes
Kin

[kin]

Take one baby step at a time
Stay gamble free one day at a time
Add up all the baby steps
It can bring you very far
Christmas is around the corner
A time to be merry and celebrate with love ones.

I read all your posts.

[kin]

Hi sarah,

Your last post was on the 13th November 2023.
Hope all is well with you.

Best wishes from Kin

[Author]

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