[kin]

This is what my gambling does for me but…

Winning someone else money does not bring me permanent joy.
Taking advantage of the situation to made money does not give me happiness.

Once I start to focus on what I have left…
and not on the years and money I have lost…everything changes.
I have gamble uncontrollably in the past…I was trying to win back my losses.

Once I accept… that I can never win back the money and years that I have lost, it was easier to stop gambling and stop chasing the losses today.

Once I accept… my imperfection, it was easier for me to seek progress today.

[kin]

Life is more manageable and under control one day at a time but it has threaten to run me off the track a few times last month, and the last hit was the hardest. I was thankful to remain gamble free in November.

I have to deal with the usual stress from exhaustion due to long hours at work. It was harder when I was triggered by a few stress at the same time. There were stress from exhaustion and my eczema.
I did not gamble, but it became more stressful when I was triggered by exhaustion, my eczema and other illness, I had two small fainting spells.
Just when I thought these problems has come and go, that my life has return to normal. I was hit the hardest by the unexpected last one when depression return, it was dark and painful.
Under these conditions, it was natural for me to look for good feeling in other things but this journal has reminded me to remove the risk and stay away from danger one day at a time. When things is beginning to run out of control, it has pull me back and put me back on the right track.

Not everyone can understand me unless they have the same problem. I can be hit by the unexpected curve ball that life throw at me, and sometimes my urge and craving comes in waves, one after another, one on top of another, one day after another.

This post serve to remind me that I can get attack and trigger by multiple stress on multiple days.
I need to stay focus on today, one thing at a time, one day at a time.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

You ask me, “How many years do you have gambling problems?”

I am a compulsive gambler. I was blinded to my gambling problem and did not believe that I had a gambling problem for many years. I first experience losing all my pocket money to a fruit machine when I was less than 12 years old. That was more than 40 years ago.

I only found out that I can seek help for this problem 18 years ago. I have continue to slip and relapse all these years until this day whenever I am not careful. This problem has affected my daily life and I cannot function properly like a normal person.

Recently I ask myself: What are the proof that I am in recovery? What are the evidence that I am in recovery? Is it all worth it?

I have kept an excel spreadsheet of all the amendment that I have made in recovery. These are proof and evidence that recovery is helping me to do thing that I cannot do previously for me and my love ones. It has given me hope and keeps me going. My life will be unimaginable and a lot worst if I did not seek help. I am very sure this recovery thing has saved my life.

When you are active gambling, you have to deal with the problem that gambling give you, but after you have stop gambling, you still have to deal with all the living problem that can lead you to gambling. I take it one day at a time.

I try to stay gamble free one day at a time. It has help me stay gamble free in November 2023.

This is my shameful and embarrassing but honest answer to your question.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I notice that staying focus on today is helping me in ways that I can never imagine.

Take today for instance, my priority today was to remove the risk and stay away from danger.
It means that I need to protect myself from exhaustion and fatigue today
It is tempting to do other things but I must be careful not to fall into this trap
I need to get some sleep to recharge and restore my energy.

I must do everything to protect myself from placing the first bet today.
Because win or lose, I cannot stop myself from placing the next bet after the first bet.

I only need to stop betting today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

Hi sarahluna88,

It is so important to emphasized the benefit of setting up a good barrier to help us stay gamble free.
It stops me when I want to gamble because I do not have the free time, money and place to gamble so I cannot act out my thought and feeling.

[kin]

Hi ididit,

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey.

Congratulation on achieving a clean and sober life.

[kin]

I am not taking simple thing for granted today.

If I want to keep my job, I need to work hard and protect my job today.
If I did not want to lose my money, I need to protect my money today.
If I did not want to relapse, I need to protect my recovery today.

I only need to stay clean and sober today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

Reminder…Today is already the 26th

You posted: “One thing that frightens me at the moment, is the next payment day when i get my money. (30th every month)

Charles posted:

This is a phrase/tactic you will often hear here. No money = no gambling. We know this from when we lost it all in the past! It can now be a great barrier to help us stop gambling.

It is important to remember though that the opposite is also true – no gambling = we get money again. We get paid again, we get allowances again, we pay down some of our credit meaning we have available credit again. Which is the point of course but can become an ever decreasing circle if we gamble every time we get funds again.

So if you are new to recovery, if you are stuck in one of those circles, then take actions now, while you don’t want to gamble, then things are in place when funds return.

“I’ve lost all my money so I don’t need to be accountable” doesn’t really cut it – you will get funds/credit moving forward and things need to be in place before that happens – waiting till we have money again is often too late.

Charles posted:

I’m sure you will have read the barriers that have helped others on some of the other threads here?

Here are some suggestions though – you deposited money on……. – how about closing it and, importantly, asking them to ban you? There are also blockers you can download to stop you signing up on other gambling sites.

Accountability – who can help you with this so that you can’t gamble secretly or instantly act on an urge? When I first stopped I had all bank statements etc sent to my mum’s address and on payday my money transferred to her account. It was still my money of course, it just meant that I couldn’t gamble it.

Report your credit/debit cards lost or damaged. You will get new ones. Get someone else to open the envelope when they arrive and scratch off the 3 digit code. You then can’t register them on any online sites.

Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking now, while you don’t want to gamble and before the urges return.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I can write down my problem in better details now:
the many layers of feeling;
the problem on the surface and the problem below the surface;
the few problems that hit me at the same time;
the problem that hit me one at a time one after another for a few straight days;
the many thoughts-intrusive thought, unwanted thought, obsessive thought, impulsive thought, compulsive thought, fearful and negative thought, the dreadful thought.
the uncontrol behaviors, the repetitive behaviors, the harmful behaviors, the impulsive behaviors, the compulsive behaviors.

In the past, I cannot do it.
I was under the influence of alcohol and gambling
I was not sober and my mind is not clear.
I was numb to everything and my wrongdoing.
I could not think, see and feel clearly, it was a mess.
It was all distorted.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi sarahluna88,

Good to see you again.
You can write on the word document first.
After you have finished doing that, you can copy it and paste here.
This way you will not lose everything you wrote especially if it is a lengthy one before the session expires.

[kin]

My thought today

Not everyone can resist the temptation of free time, boredom and loneliness moment

Having a power greater than me to protect me is not good enough
I wanted to turn to other things like substance and behavior for good feeling

I need to be told: Repent before it is too late

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I am not facing the usual problem that gambling gives me.
It was a different problem; I am facing problems that leads to my gambling.

Too much free time makes off day tricky.
I was mindful today to practice walking away from dangerous place.

I gave myself a little treat today, no big celebration leading to compulsive eating, drinking, sex and gambling. I have survived a difficult and tough week to stay gamble free.

I need to protect myself from placing the first bet.
I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger.
I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes to gamble.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi Charles,

Thank you for all the wise words!

[kin]

Hi Craig,

Looking forward to your next post.

[kin]

Hi tjj1986,

Thank you for the sharing.

Looking forward to your next post.

[Author]

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