[kin]

My regular journaling here was an activity in my recovery.
It is like riding a bicycle down a road
When I stop peddling, I naturally fall.
I need to keep moving.

[kin]

Hi jvr3419

You do not share with us what to do but show us how you do it in your post.
I always felt that it was harder, more difficult and tougher for you to achieve the same thing under your circumstances.

But your sharing show me how you have struggle and done your best under your circumstances in your situations.
You are someone who show me what living life on life’s term was all about
You have shown me what progress was all about in a life full of imperfections.
You are a true survivor! You are truly awesome!

You are one of the very few here who understand about spirituality in recovery and have a recovery program. Many got mix up and do not understand, they think spirituality must be related to religion. I really value and treasure all your sharing in here.

Thank you.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix

You have always demonstrated to me in your posts
You are someone who have the courage, strength, wisdom, focus and resilience to carry out your plan.
I was using your words when I mention “stick to the plan all the way to the end” in my post.

Thank you for sharing.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

I read all your post and always looking forward to the next one.

Thank you for sharing.

[kin]

I was gamble free yesterday.
I need to stay gamble free today.
I can better enjoy and appreciate life in recovery today.
The most important thing is to keep my focus on today.

I have come to realize after many years that the person with more than 30 years gamble free time and the newest recovering person trying to stay gamble free on his first day are doing exactly the same thing.

Every person only had 24 hours in a day, no more and no less.
Every person begins at the same starting point every day.
I must do everything to protect myself from not placing the first bet today.
I need to keep a look out and remove any risk to my recovery today
I need to stay away from danger today.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.

One day at a time.

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix

I am so happy to read any post by jvr3419 and you here.
I get motivated, encouraged and inspired by them.

When things get tough, I will be cheering and wishing both well in my heart.
When things are well, it was such a joy to watch your progress and better life now.

Both of you are living testimony of recovery
All the hardship, suffering and pain to get well are worth it.

[kin]

This journal remind me to have gratitude and contentment today.

I am not deeply troubled by all the pressure and stress that gambling gives me today.
I only need to deal with all the stress that can lead me back to gamble without gambling today.

[kin]

On a good day, I need to be thankful. It is very easy for me to forget where I come from
– heavy unmanageable debts, harassment from debtors, unable to stop gambling.

I am a very forgetful person. I still want to do the things that make me fall into heavy unmanageable debt, harass by debtors and addicted to gambling.

This journal remind me to have gratitude and contentment today.
I am not deeply troubled by all the problems that gambling gives me today.
I only need to deal with all the problems that can lead me to gamble without gambling today.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Ever since I handover the money to someone for safekeeping yesterday.
I did not have any unwanted thought to gamble with the money yesterday and today.
The intrusive and obsessive thought just disappear.

In the past, I was not honest, I did not remove all the risk.
I did not handover all the money, I hold on to some money.
I did not think that I would gamble with the money.
I was wrong, the answer is “not yet”, it really happen one day.

I have learn from the contribution of others in this forum to:
1. set up barriers.
2. be honest and remove any risk and loopholes to the best of my ability.
3. stick to the plan all the way to the end.

Take it one day at a time

[kin]

Leonardo da Vinci said, knowing is not enough; we must apply

I needed a power greater than myself to help me do it.

My energy is fully recharge and restored today, I have the strength to do it.

The heart is deceitful and evil, I had to handover the excess money to someone to safekeep for me. I have removed the risk for today.

This will help protect me from suffering obsessive thought, that keeps repeating itself, telling me to use this sum of money to gamble

The next time I have thought and feeling on the time to gamble, and the place to gamble, I do not have the money to follow and act out the thought and feeling.

I need to put down the burden, the longer I hold on to the obsessive thought, the more powerful and strong it will become in the end.

Before handing over the money, I had one passing thought to gamble, and after handing over the money, this thought just disappear.

You can walk away from some one and some place.
How do you run away from something or thought that follow you inside your head everywhere you go.

Not everyone can understand me unless they have the same problem.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I stayed gamble free today.
I was grateful for another gamble free day.

It was just like recovering from any other illness.
It was not something I love to do.
It was something I need to do.

Not doing it means
my life risk running out of control.
situation turning from bad to worst.

I was not protecting what I have and losing everything I have chasing after the things I do not have.

I only need to do it today
Tomorrow, I do the same
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I was suffering from mental and emotional relapse before the rest.
I was tired and exhausted. My thinking and feeling were distorted.
My judgement was impaired, I was slipping into a relapse.
It was scary. My environment was the same but I was not the same.
I have struggle to do the same thing in every situation.
I have thought about what to gamble, how much to gamble, where to gamble and when to gamble.

This journal has enough updates for me to follow and do the same thing.
It has help me at the critical moment.
I have started to look elsewhere for good feeling but it has help pull me back.

This journal tells me, first thing first.

“…not to do other things now. I must recharge and restore my energy. Sleep and rest are my top priority now.”

It has help me switched back from relapse into recovery.
I have just woken up from a very long sleep.
My energy is fully recharge and restored.
My thinking and feeling is in good orderly direction and back to normal.

Nobody can understand what is happening to me unless they have the same problem.
If I am not careful, I can switch from recovery into relapse anytime.

I woke up not thinking or considering placing the first bet; not affected by the money in the bank; not going anywhere near danger or the gambling house; not going to use my free time for gambling related activities.

I was hungry, I went out for a meal and came home later to update this post.

I check my thought and feeling. I feel peaceful and calm now. My thought is stable and not restless or anxious. There was no fight between good and evil, right and wrong, no thought to gamble or not to gamble, no tug of war inside the head now.

hmm maybe it was the calm after the storm…I really don’t know.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not perfect.
I am vulnerable and attracted to sin.

[kin]

The strong anxious feeling that I get over something that never come has disappear after the money was bank into my account.

I am watching my anxiety level now.

I need to be told:
I need to do everything to protect myself from placing the first bet today.
I will struggle to stop placing the next bet, win or lose… after the first bet.
Who am I supporting in a match between between “no more bet for me” vs “one more time”
It is a tug of war between “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “evil”.

I only need to stop today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

I will continue to recharge and restore my energy. I need this power to help me face the stress, deal with the distraction or resist temptation every day.

If I have handed the money that just arrive to someone for safekeeping. The thought to use this money for gambling will not play inside my head.

I did the unwise thing to hold on to the money now.
The same thought is beginning to replay in my head slowly.

I need to put down the burden.
The moment I handover this money to someone, this stress will disappear.

I am going to close my eyes and sleep now. I will probably decide after I wake up.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Today is a new day. My thought and feeling have change today.

I have just finished work. I can feel my weak and vulnerable moment today. I need to remove the risk and stay away from danger.

I must not look elsewhere for good feeling. I must not do other things now. I must recharge and restore my strength and energy; sleep and rest are my top priority now.

The warning sign and danger are there today. I was tired and that triggered me to check my bank account repeatedly many times today. I suffered from both intrusive thoughts and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I felt less stressful and anxious each time after checking my bank account. I was acting out my thoughts.

I could not gamble because the excess money has not been banked into my account yet. I did not want to feel broke and insecure; I would like to hold on to the money. Not handing over my excess money after the money was bank in will make me more vulnerable and put me in danger of gambling one day.

[Author]

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