[kin]

Dear diary,
I was doing my jog a walk this afternoon, I was jogging along the road when i heard a lot of noise coming from the bushes in the forested area on my right,  I saw a wild boar a few steps away from me, it was just as shock as me, it ran for a few steps before it slow down when it sense no danger coming from me. I have seen wild moneys, squirrels, monitor lizard before but never a wild boar…
Guess my day have return to normal after the hectic  rush to straighten things out in the last 3 days. Glad and grateful to be traveling  one baby step forward at a time now.
Heard someone say this before,
Never look for trouble until trouble looks for you
In the meanwhile, I am contented with the peace and calm I get now and hope it will continue
 — 2/6/2013 8:41:45 AM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

Originally posted by kin

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
The apostle Paul wrote: “ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living with every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )
Serenity is having an inner calm in the midst of ups and down of life.
It involves learning to be content with the things in our life that cannot be changed.
 

Dear diary,
This week dated 28-may to 2 Jun  was not smooth sailing especially near the end but it was not all that bad after all.  I had tried hard to take baby steps daily and be mindful of the happening around me in my life
I have to make changes regularly to keep myself in check and balance with the changes outside especially at work from  the expectation of my company and the unpredictable demand and changes put in place from my immediate superior, which is normal and expected from a sales environment.
I chose a most junior position, one I am very confident I could deliver so I can focus on other priority in my life now
Everything  in the week was progressing  fine, I  could feel grateful and contented with what little I have daily and I was feeling peaceful.
I was even more careful now, I am doing something I don’t in the past in recovery, if I was really exhausted, I will take a break and rest or sleep…that means I will sacrifice and miss the support group meeting or church service to break the cycle of rushing and slow down the pace in my life. Rest and sleep have risen in priority in my recovery.
Despite all this, my peace was broken on Thursday evening. I received a letter from the inland revenue department informing me about their recovery action on my unpaid  taxes. My bank account was frozen by them. I was shock, frighten and have no time to react because I needed the money inside to service a loan 2 days away on Saturday. I panic a little, I was definitely frustrated and angry.
I told myself I can either do nothing and chose to be helpless for the rest of the day or I can do something immediately to repair the situation…yes the thought to gamble came automatically, I entertain the thought for a few seconds, at the same time, I also knew  it can make matter worse if I lost, most importantly  I have decided no matter how bad is the situation, I will bite the bullet and move on without the gambling.
My only option, I still have half an hour after I receive the letter to call them to find out what I can do before their office closes for the day. I spoke to one of the officer… over the conversation, of cause the officer was not cooperative in the beginning and I have to admit it was all my fault but I really do not have the surplus money to service my tax as I was still servicing my loans. She told me I could provide supporting documents to prove my case, pay a nominal amount and they will release my bank account and the money inside at 2 pm the next day, if I can report to them the next day at 8 am before I go to work at 9 am.
It was all about rushing from one place to another on Friday, and  even on Saturday when I have to attend to a housing purchase matter, also at  8 am, get the money at 1 am and then service my loan at 2 pm.
End of everything, I knew I was safe but I have a new problem, I have to cope with a new anxiety feelings inside me now. I should be feeling gratitude and contentment that everything ended well, but I was not feeling peaceful, and I don’t have the calm to be still, I should go home to rest or go to church later at 7 pm but I was restless …. my thought and feeling don’t seem to be in line.
I just walk and walk for more than 2 hours, I window shop and look at all the shops and things I passes by , the hardware  and army / police supplies shops until I was so tired and thirsty, I sat down at a coffeeshop for a can of **** and watch the world passing by, the restlessness was gone , my emotion was stable and I just wanted to go home, I am feeling really tired now,  I am ready to go home, take a hot shower and sleep early. I am not rushing to the church service later at 7 pm.
I don’t know, I feel that I was again this close to ******** up my life but  God is watching.
Finally here on a Sunday, I am able to write down all my thanks, gratitude and contentment that I could not on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thank you Lord !
 
 
 
 
 — 2/6/2013 8:31:48 AM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I can’t.
I do what I don’t want to – what I hate.
I know perfectly well what I was doing is wrong, and my bad conscience proves that I agree with these laws I am breaking. But I can’t help myself, because I ‘m no longer doing it.
It is sin inside me that is stronger than I am that makes me do these evil things.
( Roman 7:15-17 TLB )
Before every man there lies a wide and pleasant road that seems right but ends in death. ( Proverbs 14:12 TLB )
We felt we were doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves. ( 2 Corinthians 1:9 TLB )
You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there ( Jeremiah 6:14 TLB )
If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done ( Ecclesiates 11:4 TLB )
I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. My eyes are growing old and dim with grief because of all my enemies. ( Psalm 6:6-7 TLB )
 — 19/5/2013 5:45:39 AM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

Originally posted by P

Crazy **** urges !!! ugh P
hi sister,
let ‘s hold hand and do our recovery together ODAAT

[kin]

Dear God, Your Word tells me that I can’t heal my hurts,
hang-up, and habits by just saying that they are not there.
Help me! Part of my life, or all of my life, is out of control.
I now know that I cannot “fix” myself.
It seems the harder that I try to do the right thing
the more I struggle.
Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth,
I pray for You to show me the way.
In Your Son’s name I pray, AMEN.
 — 3/5/2013 1:58:56 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

Originally posted by bettie

No one in a "gamblers support group" can afford to gamble- no matter how much money they have!
If they come to the group to complain of losses
then look for gambling partners they do not belong there.
Report them to a "trusted servant" or whoever in in charge.
There is enough stress stopping gambling-and that is not support.
 

Well said….bettie
I love this site

[kin]

I knew i have addictive personality.
Gambling alcohol and *** is just a part of it
Stopping myself is hard enough
Someone from the gambling support group who can afford to gamble invite me to do it with him tonight
I ask him to help me to stop gambling instead, he reply to me that I should stop if I cannot afford
one day he will understand

[kin]

it felt very warmth and  nice to hear from all the familiar names, I miss everyone too– 9/4/2013 2:32:43 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

we share the same sickness, we forget too fast
this is one reason why I return to this website n real life gambling support groups now– 8/4/2013 4:36:04 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

It is time for me to come home to this website where I belong
Gambling only adds to the pain,  
its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

 — 8/4/2013 1:45:01 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

Dear diary,
I had expected the outcome to be worst. It all started when I dropped my pay cheque in the quick deposit box on the first this month. I was shock when my cheque did not clear the next day. I was afraid that the inland revenue is confiscating my salary again after taking all the money inside my saving account in May, they promise me everything will be fine after I talk to them. Where is my money now ?
I was not informed the bank closed my saving account automatically because there was no money inside on the 31 May. I approached the bank manager to check what is happening on the third of June. I was told if I had bank in the money on the 30th May, this would not have happen but I was not paid yet. If the inland revenue have not possess whatever money I had in there without my consent, this would not have happen, it is causing me a lot of inconveniences and stress.
The bank don’t know the where about of my cheque now. They have send it out to another location.They have informed me that they will send it back to me by mail and I can bank it into my new saving account.
Today is the 4th and I guess I am not going to see my money until another week or so from today. Still no news, no cheque in my mail box.
The anxiety and frustration was there but it could have been worst or higher, never knew what could have happen during the last few days if I have acted out.  I was so capable of so many different means to self destruct , really don’t know what I could have done. I just don’t want to hurt another person.
I actually live with the problem and move on with my life, did not expect myself to do it this way in the end. I actually accepted the reality and live with all the inconveniences, the frustration, anger and the scary anxieties. I had manage to minimize the damage this experience could have done to me.
I could have done the usual. Push the blame to the inland revenue department, the bank and my company. After that I could press the self destruction button, then look for a solution and a quick fix. Normally I end up using , then stressing, inconveniening and hurting another person. It never happen this time.
 
 
 — 04/06/2011 15:45:56: post edited by kin.

[kin]

The inland revenue department promise me they will release my banking account last Thursday
Today I checked, result shows otherwise and I felt ……
BETRAYAL (  MY TRUST ) & *******
DISAPPOINTED & UPSET
AFRAID & FEARFUL
SHOCK & HURT
RESENTFUL
FRUSTRATION & ANGER
I could not verify with the bank as it was after office hours
I could not call the ***  to check either
I don’t know what is happening to my account
I was afraid and very fearful I could lose every single cents  I had
Dear diary
I check my feeling , the  above was exactly how I felt between  6.30 – 8.30pm
The emotion showing on the surface  was anger
When I try to feel and describe each emotion
There are more
I expected myself to behave worst
I could have let out my frustration on my love ones
It could have been a perfect reason for me to act out
But my head tell me to use this opportunity tonight to learn
So on my way back home from work
I tried to describe my feelings on the bus
I plan to use it to question myself ,
have I done something that has hurt someone
resulting in them feeling the same  
I know how they feel now
they must be very disappointed with me
they must be very hurt
it must be very hard for them to ***** those memory
they must be very resentful of me
they must be very angry
they must have hated me very much
it must be very hard for them to forgive me
 
 
 
Dear GOD,
I am a sinner
Please have mercy on me
 
 

[kin]

Originally posted by bettie

I will wake up to 90 clean days tomorrow. I have had many trials to get here. I worked for it. I earned it d*mn it! And I am pleased as punch about it!
What will the next 90 be like? Too much to think about. I plan to forget about it, as much as I can, and concern myself odaat.
Every day is day one.
peace
bettie

Dear Bettie,
Congratulation on achieving your  90 clean days !!!
CG stop all the times but the trick is staying stop
you have really shown us how it should be done in the first 90 days
This is what real recovery is all about,
the gambling has stop but the real living problems did not.
Recovery is all about doing things differently
It is about facing life on life‘s term
Do not be too concern about the next 90 days
It is the same like any other day
Like the first day in recovery
We are this close to the next bet
We still need to earn every single day one day at a time
It still require effort and vigilant to stay stop
Thank you so much, your presence in here help me
Best regards
Kin
 

[kin]

Dear Bettie,
This is for your pleasure viewing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWEp5XAxuKs&feature=related
Best regards
Kin

[kin]

Dear Kathryn,
Although no words can really help to ease the sudden loss of your brother in law,
Our hearts go out to you in your time of sorrow.
Kin
 

[Author]

Posts