[kin]

My Current Triggers
People:  Mr E ( Alcohol ), Ms K ( ex gf )
Places: Saturday ( Gambling day )
Things: money , too much free time, not enough rest and fatigue, stress.
Feelings
Mr E called to meet up tonight, I turn him down with a new excuse that I am busy with a new exercise  program.
Ms K message me today, strange that she do so after what happen last week, apparently she is not strong enough to stay away completely. I did not want to make it any difficult for both of us and did not start any discussion with her.
I thought I was fine after giving myself a break yesterday and slept. Sleep was difficult, I cannot sleep in the beginning with all the muscle aches.
Thoughts
It did cross my mind to gamble today. The season starts today.
I did not want to grab on the thought for too long.
Action Plan
I knew I must get out of the house and do my walk a jog.
I must do something with my free time
It is too dangerous to let my mind drift, the signs are there.
My day 5
I can feel a little stress when I jog today,
feel like giving up very early after 3 km.
Then it start to drizzle after I passed 4 km
it became a perfect reason for me to stop and go home
175 more  days to go…… 
 

[kin]

My day 2
I feel that there is no way I can find extra 2 hours to do exercise everyday
The only way is to make time,
I can use the time I waste on drinking alcohol or internet surfing
and chatline which can go on for many hours
into the early morning  at 2 or 4 am
At 9 pm tonight, I start my walk a jog
and stop after 10.30 pm. 178 more days to go…… 
my back, butt and legs is really hurting now
 
 — 13/8/2013 4:45:00 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

My day 1
For a start, I will commit to my recovery 100% for 180 days, one day at a time starting with today
I will countdown and try to be clean for 180 days and see what it was like
At 5 pm today, I decided to take a long walk to the drop in centre for recovery people
I have never done this before, I reach the centre at 6.30 pm
 

[kin]

When I was acting out in all forms of addiction,
I didn’t practice the recovery program I was taught
I forget how to live life
I needed another person to tell me that today
I was blinded by my problems
I have many like debts, my work, gambling, alcohol, my health and family
she was right
 — 12/8/2013 2:53:16 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

Dear diary,
Today, I finally get  to talk to the person I enjoy being with
I accuse her of not being there for me when I really needed her this year
I accuse her of  shutting me out and *****,
being manipulative and running away when I have problems
I realized after I have spoken to her, I have been doing the same thing to her many *****
When I was gambling, I been ***** to her
I told her I was running errands, in actual fact she knew I went gambling.
I was doing all the wrong things, now I realized I was wrong.
This relationship may have ended, I ask her for forgiveness
I ask her to forgive me for all the harm and pain I brought to her
 

[kin]

I miss my dog now

[kin]

Dated 11 August 2013
I was a bankrupt spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and financially
Alcohol is affecting the way I think n feels after more than 4 months
Gambling suck me down faster
I have lost the trust, tolerant and acceptance from someone I enjoy being with
To be turn down by people I once help and support hurt me deeper

[kin]

Dated 4 Aug
Dear diary, I only stop jogging and attending service on weekend and I start to miss people, places and things like crazy, it is so uncomfortable and uneasy.
Automatically I will remember what I normally do at these ***** and the nice feelings I get from them, I will crave for the continue good feelings and I starts to struggle very badly….replacing them with bad company,  alcohol and gambling only have one ending…..back to the rock bottom .
It sucks big time , kinda depressing.  I got to hang on
 — 4/8/2013 10:26:50 AM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

When you stop chasing the wrong things,
you give the right things a chance to catch you
Let "Tomorrow" be your second chance
to prove that you are better than today and yesterday
 

[kin]

hi RG,
I agrees with you, it is back to the drawing board for me now, back to doing the little things………… like having proper rest or sleep and putting a stop on my dependence on alcohol, food and footie to alter my feelings, instead try to pray more often, exercise regularly, and  attend more support group meeting & church service, the rest I guess will fall naturally into place.
taking baby steps keeping myself clean today, cheers.
 — 8/7/2013 4:23:34 PM: post edited by kin.

[kin]

Dated 8th Jul
I have begun  to backslides.
I stop attending support group meeting, church service, exercising and I have also lose some discipline at work.
I have started consuming alcohol and keeping late nights, overeat and also betted with some lose change on some games.
Putting them down on writing, thing start to look so obvious
Either I start to bring some discipline and committment into my life, things will get out of control eventually one day.
 

[kin]

Originally posted by san250

I know I am enabling my son to continue with his gambling and I want to stop but can’t seem to do it. My son has been gambling for over 8 years. He seems ‘lost’ now and wants things in life but has no money to do it because as soon as he gets any, its gone. He has a job but doesn’t like having money because he says the pull is too much. After he has lost it, he sinks into depression. It’s a vicious circle. I don’t know if he wants to stop or not. I’ve tried to guide him here and seek professional help. I want to be strong but mentally I am not at the moment. I’ve just completed treatment for cancer and have had to put all my energy into fighting it and deal with side effects. Being faced with your own mortality has an enormous effect on you and money in the scheme of things does not seem important any more. I’ve lost my job and have no income anymore. When I don’t have the money it’s easier to say ‘no’ to him because I know I am not ***** to him. His siblings need my help too. Any advice greatly received.
Hi san250,
this is sad. I hope you take care and I wish you a speedy recovery. Your son really need help

[kin]

Bill W of A.A. fame said, "Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth."
He was telling us a very profound truth. In fact, pain is probably one of the greatest gifts we have been given.
Feeling pain, whether physical, emotional or mental is the way our bodies perceive danger.
Why does pain get such a bad rap?
Why is it so difficult to accept pain as a well-respected teacher?

There are two types of pain,
necessary pain and unnecessary pain.
When we try to avoid necessary pain, we fall prey to a state of neurosis.
This means that we rely on our defences to try to avoid the call to us that something ***** to be taken care of.
Neurosis stops emotional, mental and spiritual growth from unfolding naturally in our lives.
On the other hand, when we accept and welcome unnecessary pain and discomfort,
we have what is called a character disorder.
Legitimate pain helps us identify areas of our lives that are not working well. Legitimate pain leads to growth. It is never necessary to feel shame over feeling pain.
In fact, we are better advised to reach into our pain. Feel the pain, and do what ***** doing. Once the healing has begun, we no longer need the pain and it will recede.
 — 9/6/2013 9:07:58 AM: post edited by kin .

[kin]

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
The apostle Paul wrote: “ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living with every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )
Serenity is having an inner calm in the midst of ups and down of life.
It involves learning to be content with the things in our life that cannot be changed.
We must begin by turning our eyes away from everyone around us, including
those we blame for our condition in life or
those we condemn to make our wrongs seem less in comparison.
Then we can get back to looking within our self.
I can either be
very angry at what I don’t have
Or
be happy with what I have
I have a choice
Dear diary,
Feeling muscle ache and Pain was terrible last night, it triggered all the automatic thoughts in me to act out.
I had to tell myself not to give in to the urge to gamble, drink or have *** with someone who doesn’t want to do it. I turn to watching movie online, the movie finished after 1.5 hours and the urge was still there, my last resort was to go out for a jog if it got any worst. I struggled… … all because I was not getting all the things I wanted, It may be late but I still wish to do all the familiar things, I need a relief for my lousy feeling and the muscle aches  on my back, butt and legs  make it worst tonight. I was angry, it was terrible, no one want this. The right thing to do was to go to sleep but I could not and struggle until I fall asleep.
Today I woke up feeling grateful another day has passed,  grateful last night ended safely, glad  taking baby steps forward one day at a time helps.
 

[kin]

Originally posted by kin

I can either be
very angry at what I don’t have
Or
be happy with what I have
I have a choice

[Author]

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