[kin]

Every recovery center has successful stories but at all times, there are people relapsing
Come pay day they will lose every single cents and they don’t understand why
They never imagine they could lose everything, they thought they could stop everytime
But they could not stop until they have lost everything every time

They stop gambling for 29 days only to gamble everything away on the 30th day
It hurts. It is very painful.
When that happens, you either pretend this never happen until the next payday
Or you will be self-beating yourself for the next 4 weeks.

This was also my story
I have to go thru this phrase before I finally felt I had enough and surrender
How many more times am I going to allow this to happen
How much more suffering do I want
“ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH”

One is just too many
That I am powerless over gambling

[kin]

Dear all,

Mercy, Peace and Love
May the Grace & Lord surround you and
be with you on Good Friday

Praying that the Lord fills your heart with peace
Hold you in His Love and blesses you with His Grace
on this Holy day and always

[kin]

What is Habit?
Habit formation is the process by which behaviour, through regular repetition, becomes automatic or habitual
1. A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behaviour that is acquired through frequent repetition.
2. An established disposition of the mind or character.
A disposition is a habit, a preparation, a state of readiness, or a tendency to act in a specified way.

Easy solution: I can form a new habit to replace the old habit

What is addiction ?

Addiction is defined as not having control over doing, taking or using something, to the point where it could be harmful to you. An addiction is an unhealthy relationship with drugs, or alcohol, in which you use more than you would like to use, and you continue to use despite negative consequences.

Awarenness: I am no more arrogant, I learn to be humble and admit I am powerless over my addiction. When I try to control my addiction, I am actually losing self control.

I don’t try to suppress my addiction anymore, I find that they actually snowball over the days and the feeling became more intense and unbearable, it is so easy to fail.

I have a new found respect for the power of addiction,
as long as I don’t start, it cannot grab hold of me .

I found a power in God greater than the devil in addiction.
Daily I focus in God, I pray to God.

the meetings I attended in the week keep my thoughts in check and focus in God and my recovery.

I learn now; the number of clean days accumulated does not matter at all in the future, it does not make you any stronger than your addiction, everything can be lost overnight when you are not vigilant.

I only need to focus on staying clean today,
the secret is ODAAT.

my hope is not on striking lottery or the big winning anymore. now my hope is in God, first I came to believe in step one, now I trust God, I will be given sufficient, I will have abundant.

Amen

[kin]

have grown in recovery since my last entry

experiencing living life without the gambling, and alcohol, it is actually not that bad at all

focusing on ODAAT / focusing on God daily

many problems are caused by the gambling,
take away the gambling, the many problems also go away, life is less complicated.

[kin]

it has rob me of everything I have, and stripped me of all my self respect, dignity and esteem, leaving me with only shame, guilt, hopelessness and more suffering.

I do not want to have anything to do with gambling and alcohol anymore

[kin]

the mind was thinking of the slot machine clubhouse recently
crazy isn’t it , it is a place that will destroy me without a doubt, yet I long for it.
I am increasing my awareness and mindfulness now
it is not a habit and has never cross my mind in the past
but I am practicing it now.
I found myself with 2 hours free time, I have to tell my mind why I don’t I visit the cinema to watch the movie, it only cost me 10 SGD at the cinema, I don’t have to lose 1000 SGD at the clubhouse, I am not going to save the 10 SG dollar.
I didn’t watch the movie in the end but it took my mind away from the slot machine.

My addictive mind can still be very dangerous to me, my awareness cannot afford to be lower.
I don’t want to go but the mind is finding excuses to get me to go. Other than killing boredom, I have no love for this place.
I have to exercise my mind to think of other not harmful activity to do whenever the mind tell me it is ok to go the slot machine clubhouse.

I pray and remind myself to be obedient, this to me was a struggle.

[kin]

Light Shines Through Cracked Pots

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one is able to see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when our cracked pots let the light of Jesus shine through. Choose to be a glory-filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

Hi P,
our relationship here goes back many years, yes you are one of my best friend in here, nothing changes, I still love chatting with you. Will be here posting more often.

you too, take care yeah

[kin]

my journey continues

[kin]

Having come to carry out the will of the Father, Jesus remained faithful to it right to the end. He thus carried out his mission of salvation for all those who believe in him and love him, not in word, but in deed. Love is the condition for following him, but it is sacrifice that is the proof of that love.

“If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Lk 9:23).

Dear Diary,
I am hit by wave after wave of bad news now. I am hurting deep inside.
Is this what carrying my cross and denying myself really feel like , it hurts real bad.
If I have a chance to ask a pastor why so many unfortunate things happen to me now after I have stop acting out in my destructive behaviors and turn to God. I am very sure I will crack and break into tears talking about the pain from the hardships.
I am trying very hard to be brave and strong in front of other people but I am not that strong.

Grateful to be clean today.

[kin]

The Lord is using me …..show how he change me.
3 months ago, I was facing a mountain of debts as usual and the debtors are pressurizing me to pay up, most of early October and November month was all about negotiating payment to them. I was also separated from my female companion and I missed her very badly for many days, the feelings was lousy, near to the point of panic. The worst is still yet to come , on 16th November, I received a letter of demand from a legal moneylending company chasing me for payment , I didn’t borrow from them, it was very upsetting so I reported to the police and found out the letter was fake, it was all a scam. On my birthday, 11th December, mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013. On the 19th December, I was informed by my company they are not renewing my employment contract due next month. I am going to be unemployed soon. Should I be upset because I did not do anything wrong at work.
My friend in Narcotic Anonymous group used to say …Everything is NOT OK but I am OK.
In the past , I will be very upset, I will struggle with my emotions and feelings , I will sink into self-pity and anger I will try to fix it. I will press the self-destruction button and self-medicate. I will consume alcohol , gamble and look for other woman.
Today I notice I am not the same person. I don’t numb my feelings anymore and when it gets real bad, I pray and speak to the Lord and his messengers. Without the alcohol, gambling and sex, I really feel the pain and sufferings, there was no more escape.
I always tell myself that this pain and suffering feelings will go away. I hate this feelings , I want it to go away immediately but after a few hours they are still here. They only go away when I tired myself and fall asleep, only to return the next day in the night… I am not in charge or in control of my feelings, it can carry on like this for more than a week sometimes. I can feel very helpless and vulnerable.
I like to praise the Lord for keeping me sane, protecting me and giving me the strength to cope with the many disappointments in life now…….l felt the suffering but I did not fix it with my old ways instead I carry them ever since I follow Christ.

[kin]

Dear P , Beattie, Kathryn, Carole
Good to know that everyone is doing fine.
I am also glad to informed you ladies that I have been clean
from all form of destructive behaviours’ for more than 10 weeks now
All thanks to the Lord

Wishing everyone a Great Christmas and Holiday Season

[kin]

Mark 8:34-38

34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save their life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? 37 Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

I stop gambling and drinking alcohol for more than 2 months now

[kin]

Dearest P,
you have been missed, nice to see you back

[kin]

Dear all,
I have not acted out for a month now. The time I was missing from the journal, I lost myself in alcohol, gambling and work, none help, I increase my debts in the process.
One day more than a month ago, I woke up and found the strength to put a stop to the borrowing, gambling, and face the consequences.
I still feel that it was not me who did it
Anyway I was able to move on with my life with little fear, little anxiety, I was able to experience peace and a life.
Day one, I knew with the money I had, spending 10 dollars a day will not be enough to last me thru the month but I saw this poor man by the street, I thought he need this dollar more than me, it is not going to make a big difference to me, I gave it to him.
When I was left with my last ten dollar note on the last week before payday, I received 5 movie tickets, a reward for my work. I sold 3 to movie goers and got 26 dollars for it and I still have 2 tickets to give it to one of my girlfriend and her daughter who is on school holiday now, think she need it more than me. She ask me why don’t I sell it away for cash, I told her I have enough and don’t need anymore, she can have it.
What has happen to my life now. I have enough ? I don’t need anymore ?
Anyway I have return to the recovery community here and have attended more than 7 support group meetings , gambling and narcotic ones .
Trying something different now, been attending church service in a traditional methodist church for 2 weeks, accepted the invitation of some new friends and have joined them for 2 cell group meetings. I was initially very uncomfortable with them , I felt that we are from 2 different world in term of our moral value, I don’t feel a sense of belonging but they have been very kind and nice to me. Especially after the second meeting , I decided that I am not going to use my girlfriend body anymore, I am going total abstinent from adultery and premarital sex too.
Have put on some weight from my past struggles, I am very round now..haha …but I am finally able to start slow jog again, I was only doing one third the distance I did before this update but I feel very happy.
What happen to me ?
One month ago , I saw this clip

then this

follow by this

follow by this

follow by this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj1d9h7IL0I
thank you all for reading my journey, I am work in progress

[Author]

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